Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hi Pad sorry for the delayed reply. That is good news about the heartbeat, not so good about measurements, but they aren't terribly accurate so early on so I will keep everything crossed for you that things are looking good at your next scan. Do you have anything planned to try and take your mind off the next couple of weeks? I know it is hard to stay positive, but this little one could stick! Take care x

Pad praying that things will work out for your beanie, dont lose hope its very early days yet and like Star says the measurements are not accurate till much later on. Hope the 2 weeks pass quickly for you

Greengoose its so good to hear your story after your nightmare with Merryn. I can only imagine the fear you live every day, sending you big hugs

Check So sorry to hear about your little girl. Its very early days for you and your frozen brain is quite normal right now, I dont think I was even able to do banal things like cooking, cleaning, holding a normal conversation for a long time. Did you get the results from the consultant?

I hope this question is not too upsetting/personal - what have you all done about photos? We have only got one of a sufficient quality to be printed (they were taken on DHs mobile and are mostly grainy) so I had it done - I really wanted to have it framed and put upstairs in the nursey, its a beatiful pic of our little girl and she just looks like any other sleeping baby. BUT...DH finds it really morbid that I want to have a photo of her put up. I dont want to pretend she didnt exist... when someone loses a child nobody would even think of not having photos around the house would they? Its not as if I want to put it on the coffee table in the living room...and nobody except us goes into the nursery anyway. Should I stick to my guns and put it up in there, or hide it away in my dressing room as if its something I should be ashamed of? Would love to know what you all think...

xx

pad congrats on the scan, and Im so glad you saw a heartbeat. When I went for my early scan I was pushed back by a week and a half, I was pushed forward again when I had my dating scan at 12 weeks, so try not to worry.

miss we have a memory box in our bedroom with all of Ophelias things in it, it has an album that is filled with pictures of me and my growing bump, a picture of me and DH taken the day before I went into labour, it also has all her scan photos in it. It is also full of the pictures we took of her. We decided not to put her picture up in the house, its not that we want to hide her away, we jsut feel the photos are for us.
I do though have a locket that I wear pretty much all the time, it is engraved with her enitials has a photo of her inside and a lock of her hair.
Its really up to you, but I guess its hard if you and DH have differing views on this. I have thought about having Fi's photo next to my bed so I can see it when I wake, but I think Im happy with the memory box. It sits pride of place on our tall chest a drawers. Everyones different though, I know several mums of angels who have their pictures next to their living children on the wall in the living room, or in the nursary.

Hi guys, welcome to check sorry you find yourself here. My baby died at three days old, she had the cord round her neck 3 times and was starved of oxygen during the birth.

My pregnancy was also textbook. The waters broke at 38+2 and she was born 2 days later. This frightens me as I feel I won't know if something is wrong next time. However we are TTC as we just feel so strongly that we want to have a family. It has been 9 months now, and still trying!

missalexandra I am lucky in that I had 3 days with mylittle one so we have many photos and have made a little album. I have 2 small pictures on display, one of my daughter on the day she was born and one of me, Mr owl and her when we were allowed to hold her. I have them in the lounge. I would not put them in the nursery myself as it would 'claim' the nursery as her room. At the mo I can think of it as a baby's room, rather than baby owl's room. This makes it much easier for me. However, everyone is different. I don't see why you shouldn't display a picture of your child, it doesn't have to be 6 foot high, but they are part of your life, your story. I like to look them everyday. Maybe put the picture somewhere more neutral than the nursery? Maybe in your bedroom if it is too private to share?

Sorry have gone on a bit there. Waves to everyone, lemon and fan and Rainbox thinking of you all the time. pad keeping fingers crossed for you. star hope it is going well, think I've cocked up the monitor somehow this month! Hey ho. Remembering it is not actually the monitor that makes me ovulate!

Oh, fan said about the necklace too. I have a necklace of my daughter's birthstone. It's a pink sapphire, and I wear it quite a bit, not everyday tho. It's nice because only me n family know the significance. I like the locket idea too.

Hello everyone, hope you're all doing ok. I've had a pretty rubbish week - no particular reason why this week should feel harder, except that it seems like I haven't been around people enough, everyone's been busy with their lives and it's all gone back to normal for them. I'm wondering about finding out about a sands group - don't think I'm that close to one but I think it might help to meet people irl who've been here.

pad hope you're alright and managing not to worry too much - good news about seeing the hb, and I echo what fan said about them being inaccurate at that stage, I had a scan previously at around 9weeks that was about a week out from both my dates and the 12 week scan dates. Can I ask what they said about waiting 6 months - was there any reason for it related to the abruption? (am asking as we've not had the pm results or met with the consultant yet, so one of the things going round in my head is how long we'll have to wait to ttc.). Also, are you having any treatment to try to reduce the risk? (again, hoping there's something, anything, that might cut down the chances of it happening again. Hope you don't mind me asking).

miss we haven't put Eddy's picture up anywhere, but I keep thinking about it. Our other dcs each have his picture, and we also have them in his memory box. One of the things I really find hard to deal with is the way that I can't readily show people a picture of my beautiful son. Its like you said, if someone has a child that has later died, they'd still have pictures of them in the living room etc. I guess it's because the picture is actually taken once they're already dead. I know my favourite photo of Eddy is just after he was born, and he really does just look asleep to me - but even then he's all vernixy so some people wouldn't want to see that anyway. My mum finally saw his picture a couple of weeks ago, but my dad and brother haven't. I was so touched by a friend who asked to see his picture and cried with me over it. I'd really like a painting or something to put up to symbolise how he's still a part of our family, I keep thinking about how to do it, but as I'm not the most arty of people I've not got very far!

check I've still got the mental inertia thing now- am coping ok with day to day things, basics like cooking etc, but as soon as I have to remember things, or make a decision, or do something I'd usually find mildly stressful, I fall apart. It's a bloody good thing I don't have to go back to work at the moment as i don't think I could right now.

Hello to everyone else too, especially those lurking cos they feel too rubbish to post x

Google doodle, there are artists who take pictures no turn them into portraits, or render them black and white and maybe that would be good for you. Sorry for your loss. X

Hi everyone, Google sorry you've had such a tough week. I have been to my local sands group a few times and have found it helpful, very sad, but still helpful.

Miss I have photos, I have some on my phone that I look at, and I have one framed in the bedroom too. My DH likes having the photos and to me he is my son and looks just like he is sleeping. I have shown other people his photo too but I am careful who I show them to as conscious they may not want to see, that makes me sad. Other things though, I have a bracelet with a charm on it that has his initial and I wear it all the time, we also had some wooden letters of my and DH's first names in the living room and now we have added to it, so if your DH isn't keen on the photo, there are other was you can have Alexandra's memories in your home. Are there any symbols that make you think of her? for me and DH it is stars (hence my username) so we also have a wooden star hanging from a door handle. I hope I haven't given the impression my house is like a shrine! Have you also thought about a little photo in your purse? That was longer than I intended, sorry!

Owl I have read on other threads that the CBFM doesn't often "work" the first cycle, not sure why that is, but seemingly the readings get clearer/what you would expect the second month. Made me smile when you said you need to remember it doesn't make you ovulate! I've stopped using the OPKs this month and for some reason I'm convinced I haven't ovulated!

Pad hope you are doing ok, thinking of you.

So sorry to see so many new faces here.

I haven't been on for ages so I apologise, A seems to take up a lot of time and these past 8 1/2 weeks have flown by. I have been thinking about all our angels though, as I think of Nancy and how she would be & look now, wondering how much A takes after her etc. went to a party an angel mum friend of mine held today for her angel son's 2nd birthday, and it made me think again about our beautiful children xx

I haven't really read back, but did see you we're talking about pictures etc - I wear a locket (angel wings which open) which I have a picture of us with Nancy, and have pictures up of her - with us, on her own, and with the family that were able to visit her. To me, she is a big part of our family, and I love to have family pics around so it was natural to have her pics up too. I will also put some photos of her up in A's nursery so she will always have her big sister around. It's very personal though, and you can only do what feels right for you and your DHs/DPs.

Xxx

Hi Elly it is really nice to "see" you on here. How lovely that your friend had a party for her son, but I imagine it must have been sad and difficult at the same time. I'm so glad A is doing well.

Well, after a couple of weeks of feeling quite strong and positive I had a terrible night last night. I had felt a bit teary all day and then when i got into bed it all just came out. I cried so hard, I miss my boy so much and I am finding life so difficult without him. There are of course moments over the last few months where I have managed to laugh and felt a bit like the old me, but for the most part I feel like I am acting out living a life. I feel so isolated from my friends as more and more of them are having babies/talking about starting a family. DH seems to have shut down a bit and i am worried that I will never be able to have another baby, paryicularly as another month ticks by. I don't like my job and I want to move house but having a look at the finances yesterday means that both of those things are unlikely to happen. Ultimately though, I just want to be with my perfect little boy, I hate being apart from him, it just isn't right and I feel like life is pointless and empty without him.

Sorry for this being such a depressing post, I just needed to get it out, I hope you ladies don't mind. Thinking of us all xx

Oh Star I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment. It's so hard to stay positive and keep on going at times. Everyone seems to have their babies, all perfectly healthy, yet here we are, having to wait...

I too feel just like you at times. I am so worried we won't be able to conceive again. I keep reminding myself that it has happened once, no reason why it can't happen again, but like you say as the months go by it worries me more.

I think the main way I cope is to try to time limit it. I think to myself it's really not been that long, a year is a perfectly normal amount of time to try for, the longer it takes the easier(!) It will be to cope with etc etc. If all else fails a visit to the doctors after a year is not unreasonable. But sometimes I just want to bawl my eyes out cos shouldn't even be trying to get pregnant, should be with my child.

I think all this is perfectly normal, and we are grieving the life we should have as much as our children's short lives.

I hope that is helpful star in that you are so not alone in having these feelings. I an thinking of you all the time atthe mo. I'm sorry work is crap too. Any chance you could book a holiday or a big night out or something to have something positive to look forward to?

Thank you Owl it does really help to know I'm not alone. I have got a bit more perspective as the day has gone on but everything is still bl**dy hard. DH and I have a few nights away booked next week so hopefully that will give us a much needed break. Thank you so much for thinking of me, it really does mean a lot. How are you doing? Xxx

Well hello again all you lovely ladies. I'm sorry to have been absent for so long. I haven't even managed to lurk as I've just not been able to face up to what has happened or whether we should even try again. A quick flick back has revealed there are some new ladies here so a warm and very sad welcome to you all. Sorry I have missed way too much to read and catch back up properly. For anyone that doesn't know me, I have had three consecutive mcs and have no live children yet (notice the yet, there is still some fight left somewhere!). First was mmc and the last two were both at 20 weeks with my waters just going. Both were little girls and both healthy and alive until being induced both times. They have no idea why either mc happened. You're right lemon, Lily who we lost in January was due on Friday and we lost Daisy a year ago on Sunday, so gonna be a difficult weekend! Trying to stay cheery as DHs birthday on Saturday. Consultant just said even though they didn't think it was a weak cervix as what has happened was not typical of this but if we try again they'll put a stitch in and scan every two weeks from 16 weeks. Dr has referred me to notts hospital for 2nd opinion as that does not give me any confidence to try again. surely they should be doing more tests if they don't know why it's happening. We asked them to put a stitch in last time and they said it wouldn't help so why would it this time! Hate the waiting, just wanna be back ttc again knowing they'll do all they can next time. Humph, patience is not one of my strong points!

Anyway, have gone back to dancing lessons and even did a little show in April. Also been back to agility training with pooches. Have managed to get back to my usual pre pregnancy weight and have got a promotion at work. So rollercoaster doesn't even begin to describe these last few months!

Sorry for the self absorbed post but just needed to get it off my chest, xx

Hi little, lovely to 'see' you again, I'm so sorry that the doctors still don't have any answers x how difficult to have such significant anniversaries for both Lily & Daisy this weekend, will be thinking of you xxx

Hi Little what a tough weekend ahead you have. Do you have any plans? I'll be thinking of you and Lily and Daisy. What a few months you have had, well done on getting back to pre pregnancy weight and your promotion, they are really great achievements. It must be so frustrating not knowing what went wrong, you are definitely doing the right thing by getting a second opinion.

I'm still feeling pretty low today, it seems to be worst in the mornings for some reason, but I am still functioning, showering, eating, sleeping, so that's something I suppose.

How is everyone else? Google Pad Zen Jules Owl and of course all of the "original" ladies x

Thanks ladies for your messages about what to do re: the photo. Fanjo I love your idea of wearing Ophelia's lock of hair in a locket, but I think I would be so terrified of losing it. In fact A's hair is still in the hospital pot they gave it to me in, I just dont want to lose even one tiny hair by moving it. I'm also going to make an album with all the bump photos, scans etc. I think I'll do it online, couldnt bear to take it to the local photo shop. Putting up (or not) a photo is such a personal thing isnt it, I see we all feel differently about it, as do our DHs.

Owlinatree I totally understand your not wanting to put Baby Owls photo in the nursery, that youre keeping it for the new Little Owl. I think I personally would want any other child to be able to see thier older brother/sister, to be able to talk about them and have an image in their heads. I dont really have anywhere more nuetral than the nursery, as I dont think I want it in the living room and every time DH sees the photo he starts crying and is depressed for ages :( Love the idea of wearing your daughters birthstone on a necklace, I might just use your idea! I just looked and A's stone would be turqouise which I love.

Google did you know about the photographers who will retouch your photos for free? Its a worldwide network of photographers who mostly have lived this nightmare themselves and want to help others going through the same. They will even go into the hospital and do a full photoshoot (for free) if the parents know beforehand the outcome, so that the parents have those precious memories. Some of thier work is stunning. In our case I asked one of them to do A's photos as there were parts of her skin that were torn, so she made them into black and white and professionally photo-shopped them. I was so touched by what she did, she had lost her son to stillbirth years ago. I will try and find the website and post it here, maybe someone there could help you with ideas for Eddy's picture.

Star I understand what you mean about being careful who you show your LO's photo to. I remember before all this happened commenting to some friends that a poor girl on a forum had posted some fotos of her stillborn little boy, and they were all "how gross, posting photos of a dead baby". At the time I remember thinking how unfeeling of them, yet on the other hand I can understand that they see it differently if this hasnt happened to them. I love the idea of the charm bracelet, and also the tiny pic in my purse!

Sorry to hear youve been having a bad few days Star its so tough to see life going on happily around you, especailly when others are having children and sometimes even complaining about them. I hope your nights away with DH lift your spirits a bit. Sending you a big virtual hug

Ellypoo I've never seen a locket made of angel wings, it must be beautiful and a lovely place to keep Nancys photo. I too live a long, long way from family so have lots of photos up all over. It seems so strange that Alex isnt among them, but I dont want to cause DH any more suffering than he is already going through. Maybe in time he will be able to see her photo and not cry.

In the end I decided to take Alex's photo out of the nursery so that DH doesnt have to see it. We leave the door open all the time so he could see it every time he walked by. I have put it in my dressing room, its really the only place he doesnt go. It feels pretty sad not to have been able to display it, but I think I'll have to wait until he can face looking at it before I hang it anywhere :(

Little9 so sorry to read your terribly sad story, you have been through so much

xx

Quick question: is there something you can tick on Mumsnet that lets you know when there are new posts? I cant see it anywhere but then maybe I'm looking in the wrong place?

Hi Miss so sorry I forgot to namecheck you earlier, I was on a cleaning mission and now have a sparkling home! I was thinking of you and Alex as I cleaned for some reason and meant to come on here as soon as I had finished to see how you were. I'm glad we have all given you ideas for photos/memories. It is sad that your DH doesn't want to look at her photos, but maybe as time passes and the grief is more manageable he will be able to. I'm glad you are still able to have her photo up somewhere you can look at it.

I would love the link to the photographers if you are able to post it, some of the photos we have of F are quite blurry, I'd love to see if they were able to do something with one of those.

Today is not so bad as yesterday for me, I popped out for a walk at lunchtime and have had a productive afternoon cleaning the house. I also spoke to my mum for a bit and she is going to stop by on Thursday lunch time so I've got something to look forward to this week as well as our few days away next week.

I don't know if you can get an alert or not, I might try and investigate. Let me know if you find out!

Thanks star, elly and miss. We have no plans yet for the weekend, just gonna take it easy. Will probably go on a couple of nice dog walks and have a few beers for DHs birthday.

Thanks to all the lovely ladies for my fantastic woollyhug. It's absolutely beautiful. Just need to find a cat and dog free zone to keep it!

Sorry you're having a low time star. It can be so hard at times but I'm sure it will get easier with the passage of time, I hope.

I've tried looking for an alert of some sort but can't find anything.

Hope everyone is ok, xx

Star dont worry about not name checking, its so easy to forget on a thread where there are lots of people! Glad to hear you have a sparkly clean home...sometimes doing something so incredibly boring as housework can be just the thing to stop your mind going over and over the same thing.

The link for the website is: https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

The name is obviously taken from that little night-time prayer, I remember my Mum making us say it before we got into bed. A bit scary for small children when I think about it!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

I dont know if they will be able to do anything with your blurry photo, the ones of Alex were also blurry and they still are a bit, just that now they've been retouched they're so much easier to look at and black and white seem sort of appropriate somehow. The site is mostly American but there are people in the UK too. Apart from the fact that its all done via Internet so it makes no difference where you are.

Little9 sorry if I show my ignorance but what is a woollyhug??

Thanks Miss I'll take a look at that. Hope your day has been ok x

Miss - it's an absolutely beautiful knitted and crotcheted blanket. I didn't know about them before I received one. That prayer reminds me of metallica (rock band) as it's in one of their songs (showing my age a bit there, lol!)

Have had to remind the Dr today to refer me to Notts hospital. Think I may have to keep prodding nhs throughout my next pregnancy if we are lucky enough to fall! As if it's not gonna be stressful enough already!

Hope everyone has had a good day, xx

Thanks for the website missalex I had a look and have messaged one of the photographers to see what they might be able to do. i feel a little excited, it would be so lovely to have a photo of Eddy we can have on display :). I'm glad you aksed about the wooly hug as well, I was wondering too!

star sorry you've been finding things hard recently; it does seem to go up and down and you've sounded really strong and encouraging before; I suppose you're in one of the 'down' times (which I'm hoping will come round less and less often with time?). Last week I held on to the idea that i would come out of the down and feel better at some point, even if it wasn't as soon as I'd like. I really hope it's a short one for you and that you're feeling better with your lovely clean house (mine's a tip if that helps at all?).

What have other people done about going back to work btw? I have started properly thinking about when I should go back/what I should do. Until today, I wanted to make a major change and do something totally different, but I saw a friend from work today and now im wondering about cutting my hours instead. I work with some lovely people in a profession I like, just the job itself is quite stressful and my commute is seriously crap.

I have had a better week so far; I decided over the weekend to try to meet up with people more, so have arranged to see a friend nearly every day, and been to Pilates classes. I feel like looking after myself is one of the few things I have control of, and whatever else happens (whether we can/manage to try again etc) it's the most helpful thing I can do either way. I also had a lovely chat to my mum today; I was talking about wanting to try again and how I thought if we had another I'd feel better although nothing can replace Eddy - she said it was like that with me (she had a late loss and early mc between my brother and me). I thought that was so lovely, I hadn't thought of myself as her rainbow before :)

little so so sorry to hear of your losses, I too will be thinking of you and Daisy and Lily this weekend.

Elly congratulations, hope you're really enjoying your rainbow :).

greencolor thanks - having a photo I can display would be lovely, although what I meant was that I'd like some artwork that somehow symbolises how Eddy is part of our family - really not sure how, but wondering about something with all our handprints or a painting of us with a symbol that we know is Eddy, or something (like I say, I'm not arty...).

Hope everyone else is ok