Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hi all, hope people are OK. I'm doing OK, AF now 2 days 'late' from 28 days, but can't bring myself to do a test just yet. Can't stop eating tho that could just be PMS!

Afs not too regular at the mo, so don't want to get my hopes up, but

sorry got distracted there

Afs not too regular at the mo, so don't want to get my hopes up but can't help it really.

Will test on friday if no AF by then, thats 33 days!

Sorry if tmi but can't talk about it in rl.

Fantastic news cupcake, congratulations.

Fingers crossed owl, hope it´s your month.

Any appearance Lemon?

Nothing really to report here. Still waiting to be referred to Notts. Getting sick of waiting so have put a complaint in.

Hope everyone is well. :)

Cupcake Congrats! Seeing that little heartbeat is just the best feeling isnt it.

Owl Yikes, fingers crossed for you

Little dont blame you for complaining, sometimes its the only way to get things moving

Lemon thinking of you, hoping your rainbow is in your arms and youre both ok

AFM - Getting really nervous about the weekend, its DHs bday and we're having all his fmaily here for lunch. It will be the first time I see them since we lost A (6 months now) and I just know its going to be awkward and awful and Im going to end up in tears. And the worst part...DHs niece will have her baby with her and I'll have to act like thats ok when inside it'll tear me apart. Gosh that sounds so selfish :(

Hugs to all xx

Hi all Cupcake congratulations! Great news.

Owl keeping everything crossed for you, very restrained of you to not test, I don't think I would have that willpower.

Little I would def complain, you've been waiting such a long time

Miss gosh, I would dread that too, but at least you will be at home so can go and hide in the bedroom for a hit if necessary, does DH understand why you feel anxious? Hopefully he can help as much as poss with the hosting. And crying is fine, they are family and it sometimes isn't a bad thing to let people know you are still grieving and finding things incredibly tough. And it doesn't sound selfish at all re the baby, any of us would find that hard to deal with and be feeling the same way.

My news-I ovulated 3 days early this month so "normal" rather than ridiculously late like it has been in the last 6 months or so.....BUT I have a sodding UTI so now currently obsessing over whether this will impact ttc or if we do conceive will it harm the baby etc etc etc. I am a worry pants.
Wales holiday was good, nice and relaxing and the weather was ok too, even got a bit of a tan one day!

Lemon thinking of you.

Jules you've been pretty quiet lately, hope you're ok.

No news I am afraid. Failed induction round 3. They will decide next week what to do. At least I know it must be comfortable in there. I know fan they are talking about inducing you. Lots of the women that were coming for induction it worked on. So I think it is worth a try.

little hope they give you an appt soon.

miss I would dread that to. I hope they are at least sensitive to you.

Waves to everyone else

miss you sound nervous about your weekend plans. I've felt this a few times when seeing people for the first time as such. I'm already feeling a little bit nervous about DH's sister's wedding (end of August).

It will be hard with a baby there, sometimes people are not sensitive, but equally I have to get used to the fact that other people have babies. If they didn't have their babies it wouldn't make me feel any better about not having my baby. I try and keep this in my head... its not always easy tho.

It will probably not be so bad once it is happening, it's the build up to it that is sometimes worse. I'll be thinking of you.

lemon hope rainbow arrives soon, thinking of you.

star don't want to test, it will probably be a no, and i'd rather be in ignorant bliss for a few more days! I wouldn't have thought an UTI would hinder chances of conception, are you on antibiotics?

(still no AF ov.)

lemon I think of you every morning, hoping your rainbow is here. Have they said anything about section? Would you want a section?

Owl I understand what you mean about not wanting to test, if you don't know you can still hope. Fingers crossed for you.

I'm not on antibiotics, just been drinking 4litres of water a day-feel like I'm going to explode! Think it is on its way out now thankfully.

Have had a bad moment last night. Went to a work meal out as a colleague (and friend) is leaving work to have a baby.

Got to the pub, and as i walked in i had a real moment. It was the same pub we had been to the previous year for someone's retirement, and of course i was about 7.5 months pregnant then. People were standing in the exact same place at the bar, others were sitting at the exact same table in the eating bit.

Well, i gathered myself, spoke to a few people, including the lady having the baby (just about holding it together at this point, but managing).

Then preggo says to someone 'we need a high chair too' I says why have you brought your daughter? No, [insert name here] is coming and she's bringing her baby. What!!!!

Well, i was really upset. [insert name here] doesn't even work with us anymore, she has a perfectly functioning husband and its Saturday night. wtf? I'm afraid it really upset me. When she arrived i couldn't even speak to her i was so angry and upset. Why bring a baby to a work night out on a Saturday? When you know a colleague will be there who has lost a baby and not even bother to give any warning - first i would have known unless i had overheard the high chair convo would have been her walking in with the baby.

I had to leave, went outside for a bit. In all honesty if id had the car i would have left and gone home. I was so upset. I mean, that's not normal is it, to bring a baby to the pub on a saturday night work do. Once again, this lady has made it all about her (that's another thread i guess!) and i do feel my evening was ruined, i hardly ate my meal, too shaky.

I did speak to her as the night went on (game face) and i text her to say 'apologies, didn't expect dd to be here tonight, feeling a bit delicate'. She replied ok, but i couldn't have come if i didn't bring her and didn't want to let preggo down.

I'm not sure whether to leave it at that or contact her again really. I don't really care about her feelings at the mo tbh. I just think she should have given me some warning to prepare myself for this. It's only the second time i have reacted in this way to an inappropriately placed baby, and tbf i see them every day as i work in a school, many of my friends have babies, i do socialise with people with children, etc.

Why do people just seem to think you are going to over the death of your child because a few months have passed? I'm dreading baby owl's birthday, if people don't acknowledge it it's going to kill me i'm afraid, especially all those friends with children we have sent birthday cards to for years and years.

Sorry, needed a rant there. So much for for my earlier advice about having to get used to other people having babies, i've failed spectacularly at that today!! What's that old saying about if everybody took their own advice... I hope the birthday celebration went well mia, and DH and you enjoyed the day.

STILL no Af, tested on fri am, bfn tho. So 35 days now, i think 37 days has been the record.

Hope you are over the UTI now star and feeling better. Hoping your rainbow is here lemon. love to fan and green hope its all going well, waves to everybody else.

Hi Owl that sounds so tough, is the baby the same/similar age to baby owl? It seems like it was because it was so unexpected that you were thrown off balance. For me I am ok if I am prepared, I like to know everything in advance. Not just the unexpectedness (?) of the baby but also the fact it was thy pub, same bar, same table etc as when you were last there and everything was ok. I have found the first time I have done something again/been somewhere again since pg has been tough. I think you did so well to make it through the evening and not go home, so well done, you shouldn't underestimate how well you did to get through the night. I'm not really sure what to do about texting the lady again though, not sure what your relationship with her is, could you maybe say you understand but next time could she let you know in advance of baby is going to be there?

Sorry, on phone.

I hope you managed to sleep last night and that today is restful.

Miss I really hope the birthday gathering wasn't as hard as you were expecting and that DH's family were kind and supportive.

Lemon I'm sure you are fed up of people asking, but I REALLY hope baby is here now, the waiting must be so hard.

to everyone else x

Thanks star, yes, she is similar age to baby owl. I think it was the unexpectedness of it really, i was sort of geared up to the evening, didn't expect to feel upset, and then the baby on top of that.

Also i realised i meant miss when i said mia. Hope you and DH's birthday celebrations went well, and you were able to enjoy the day.

That's so tough, have a {{hug}} from me. I hope today is gentle and you can get out in the sunshine x

Thanks for your support star. I did text again just to explain why i hadn't spoken to her. I just said that i was upset and that a warning would have been appreciated, especially given the location and the fact we were celebrating another pregnancy.

I didn't say how weird it was. I mean, other people didn't come because they couldn't get child care. I don't think anyone else would have thought it was normal to bring their children with them to a work night out. I will gently see what others thought on Monday. She has 2 boys at private school so its not like she can't afford a sitter!

Took your advice and went out for lunch with DH and a couple of friends and their baby, who is lovely. Was nice to sit in the sun for a bit. DH now asleep on sofa, me gearing up to sorting out the house ready to go back to work tomorrow. Feeling much better now.

Owl oh poor you what a bloody insensitive thing to do, honestly!! Of course its ridiculous to go on a night out with a small child, and to know that she was going to see you there and just not care is simply selfish. To be honest if she was capable of doing that then I dont think I'd bother even contacting her again, she probably wont understand. But like Star says, be proud of yourself for for hanging on in there and staying. By the way I think we should take up your phrase of "inappropriately placed baby" and from now on refer to them as IPB...LOL. glad youre feeling better now.

Star hows the UTI going? Fingers crossed you've flushed it out by now. I think even during pregnancy if theyre treated promptly its not a problem, its just if theyre left for ages untreated that they can cause probs.

Lemon thinking of you

Just got rid of DHs family after the bday celebration. This morning when we woke up was the worst part as DH had a bit of a meltdown...kept saying that all he wanted for his bday was his little girl. To see him break down and cry is sooo hard. The rest of the day to be honest wasnt quite as bad as expected, even though nobody even mentioned Alex so it felt like there was a bit of a pink elephant in the room. Didnt get any unwanted "life goes on" advice either so that was good. A tough moment for me was when we inflated a baby pool I had bought for Alex for the baby to play in....he had such a lovely time splashing around but all I could think was that they should have been in the pool together. I nipped off to the bathroom and had a quick few tears but was sort of ok after that. Really glad I got it over with, and thanks for your support xx

I'm glad your weekend went well, miss, you were very generous to let your niece's baby use your baby pool, that must have been a difficult moment, well done for getting through it. I'm glad your DH was able to enjoy it too. The life goes on comments are strictly only allowed to be uttered by the bereaved, no-one else imho.

Thanks for your support re the IPB(!) I think to an extent you are right really, she would have had a good idea i was going to be there, and she obviously didn't care or she would have at the very minimum warned me.

We have a rose bush with the same name as our daughter, it has flowered over the weekend with 2 beautiful roses. Makes me smile.

hope everyone has a good week, hugs to all.

Hi Miss well done for getting through it, I agree with Owl, it was v generous to allow the baby to use the pool. It sounds like you did well to get through it all with just one episode of tears each. It must have been hard for nobody to mention Alex, I still find it very hard when nobody says F's name and agree with the "elephant in the room" feeling.

Owl I am so glad you are feeling a bit better today and that the rose bush flowered and made you smile, hopefully it makes you feel she is close by.

My UTI is clearing, but I had to have antibiotics in the end. I've had a day of sunshine today which was good for the mood.

Hi everyone I hope it's ok if I post here. I lost my baby girl 7 weeks ago. Me and my partner are absolutely devastated. We had been trying for a few years with no luck then went for IVF and were absolutely delighted to find out we were expecting. The nine months were the most happiest time of me and my partners life we were so excited to be parents and its all we talked about. On the 12th may I went to hospital to be induced because of high blood pressure I was scared but also excited at the thought of having my baby girl in my arms. I got induced at 3pm then at 2 in the morning I thought my waters had broket I turned on the light and saw blood everywhere I was rushed for an emergency c section. My baby girl Olivia rose was born with no heartbeat they resuscitated her and after 48 mins they got a heartbeat. She was rushed to the neonatal unit and placed on a cooling mat we were told that they had no hope for her as they had never seen a baby come back from that long without a heartbeat and they were right our little girl was braindead she passed away in her mummy and daddys arms. We had her for nearly 3 days. Since that day I have been utterly heartbroken and im hurting so much. Im also hurting for my partner as I knew it was all he wanted his very own princess. He wants us to try again as soon as possible and I would love to have another baby but im just so scared that it would happen again. I am so scared that I will forget her. Everyday is so hard and some days I feel I just don't want to be here without my baby girl. Will this pain ever go? I keep asking why us. Thank you for taking the time to read this im sorry it's so long x

Hi oliviarosemummy welcome. Your story sounds pretty similar to mine. My daughter was born with no heartbeat due to the cord being round her neck tightly 3 times. She was resuscitated but her brain had been starved of oxygen during the labour. She was also cooled but the brain scans showed she was too badly brain damaged and she died at 3 days old. This was in September.

I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this. All i can say is that we all understand on here, we have had different experiences but all know the pain of losing a longed-for child.

It is hard to imagine, but it will get easier. It's small steps, and it takes time. It is important to keep communication open with your partner, and stay close. What personally helped me to cope initially was to get out of bed at a reasonable time, eat meals i did not feel like eating and go out of the house somewhere every day. These things help your physical well being, which help you cope better mentally.

Hang in there, others on here will be along with great advice soon, i'm sure!

oliviarosemummy I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Please post if it helps, I've found it very helpful to be able to 'talk' to other people who understand how I'm hurting.
3 months ago when nearly 36 weeks pregnant I had gone to lie down having had a few strong braxtons and then i too thought my waters had gone. I'd actually run down the stairs before I realised it was in fact blood. We called an ambulance but there was no heartbeat when we got to hospital.
One thing I know is you won't forget your beautiful daughter - it's weird that we worry about that whilst also not being able to think about anything else. Keep going, one day, or one hour at a time, and be kind to yourself x

star hope your uti is properly better today & that you got some more sun - has been lovely here today.
owl sorry your evening out turned out so rubbish (love the acronym ipb tho) well done for getting through it. Have been crossing my fingers for a bfp constantly since you posted, you might not be getting your hopes up but I have!!
miss well done for getting through the weekend - it's so hard when no one acknowledges the elephant in the room isn't it? I find I can only spend a certain amount of time with people who do that before having to have some space. I can't blame them though, I'm sure it's what I would have been like, I'm never good at knowing what to say.
lemon hope you're ok & it's not much longer to wait and quick & easy when it finally happens
pad don't know if you're still lurking but have kept thinking of you, hope you're ok?
fanjo I had a look at the wooly hugs website - so lovely. Think I will make some squares soon. I was crocheting a blanket for Eddy which I never finished, so it would feel a bit poignant to do it straight away but I think it's a lovely idea. In the first few weeks after Eddy died I often wore dh's jumper which felt cuddly and protective - I imagine having a wooly blanket which so many people have contributed to must be like that.

We have been holiday which was good, although helpfully af arrived on the first evening and stayed with us til the last day. She wasn't invited!! Anyway, at least I know where I am now, although I did actually find it quite scary bleeding again - totally irrational, but there you go.
We also had the pm results last week, which didn't really say much that was new - but the cons was quite encouraging that he didn't think it was likely to happen again and that it was up to us when to try again. So we have started ttc (slightly scared now, but do feel more positive to be actually doing something rather than just waiting iykwim?).
Thanks everyone for your comments on going back to work, they've helped me mull things over. I went in to work last week and talked to my boss about going back part time, which he was essentially ok with. I need to work out how many days and some other details, but I met a few colleagues which i felt was a good thing as the first time I see someone is the hardest. At the moment I'm not intending to go back for another few months so I can spend the summer with my other kids.
Hmm, mammoth post again, sorry about that!

Hi Oliviarosemummy I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Thank you for telling us about Olivia Rose. Everything that you are feeling is totally normal (although people telling me I was normal in the first couple of months didn't help). The first few weeks and months are so hard but like Owl has said, it does get easier. The pain and heartbreak will never go away and you will never ever forget your darling little girl, but you will be able to function again and do "normal" things. In the early days I would quite often set myself "targets" for the day, things to focus on etc. I found it quite hard to leave the house as where I live is baby central, but I would have other things to try to achieve, sometimes really really simple, like must have shower and wash hair by 10am, must put washing on and other such boring things.

My little boy was born at 27 weeks in September last year, my first baby, very much wanted and the pregnancy had been perfect, he just stopped moving one day. I still have difficult moments, but they are less frequent and I am able to pull myself out of them more quickly.

Google really nice to hear from you, I'm glad you had a holiday and that work are supportive about you going back part time, that must be a relief. I'm glad the so consultant said that whatever it was is unlikely to happen again. Well done for starting on the ttc road, I agree it is scary, but I totally know what you mean about doing something.

Owl I too am hopefully for a bfp for you this month, for some reason this is what I thought about when I first woke up this morning .

Finally Oliviarose please do keep talking to us if you feel able to. We are here to support you and I'm sure one of us has felt a similar way to how you feel, or if we haven't then we can at least try and understand and be here to listen and hold your hand. Nothing is off limits here.....

Have just set my own teeth on edge with awful typos and grammar errors in last post, sorry please ignore. I blame the touch screen....

Hi Oliviarosemummy I'm so sorry you find yourself here and to hear about the terrible loss of your beautiful daughter. Seven weeks is no time at all, and of course anything we say about it gradually getting a little better will sound untrue. But it is true...the sharp edges of pain are eventually ground down by time and it becomes a duller type of pain. Doesnt go away, but becomes easier to bear. Like some of the other ladies have said, in those first months its best to set yourself gentle targets. For me at first it was just getting out of bed every morning. And every evening when DH came home he would push me to get dressed and go out with him even if it was just to buy a loaf of bread or to drive around for 10 mins. Dont force yourself into contact with people if youre not ready. I think one of the best things you can do is to come on here and "talk" with us, or any other site or group where you can feel you are with people who have lived the same experience. Sending you a big hug.

Owl Glad your roses brought a smile to your face. I too have a rose plant, I keep it in Alex's nursery and it hasnt stopped flowering since I bought it back in January!

Google great that you can go back part time, and like you say the first meeting with people is almost always the worst so you've got that over with at least with some of them. Great that the consultant doesnt think anything similar will happen again, and know what you mean about feeling better if youre actually doing something. Feels like having a bit of control back doesnt it?

Star LOL dont worry you dont sound like a stalker at all !

Lemon thinking of you and hoping you and baby are both ok

Having a bit of a panic at the moment, I know it sounds silly and pathetic but since we lost Alex I havent been alone overnight. Yesterday DH told me theyre having some sort of problem with their dept in China and he has to go there for a week and sort it out. I know I will be ok but he has been such a rock for me these past months that I'm dreading him being soooo far away and also I now seem to have much more morbid thoughts about plane accidents and things :( Has that happened to any of you?

Hugs to all xx