Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hi guys, thanks for your kind words.

star you are absolutely right about the hind sight thing. If I had known what was going on i would have insisted on a c-section. But i didn't, midwives who do this every day didn't. You can only make decisions based on the information you have at the time. It's so true.

Thinking of your bad week star. We have yet to choose a stone for our little one, seems like a big task somehow. You are very brave to do it. These weddings are a bit shit at the mo, i keep thinking we should be there showing off our little one. Instead me and Mr owl just drink lots of wine and chat to the childless.

Jules so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, must be so difficult after all this. We are dreading that happening, but i guess its the risk you take. We will have to compare notes about the clearblue monitor. Sorry its a no for you this month too.

miss thanks for your words of support. I'm not sure what you meant about the financial cost tho; the inquest was called by the coroner as our daughter died at 3 days. There was no cost to us, it was to determine cause of death. I guess maybe you are thinking about legal action against the hospital? We are not pursuing that. We had a narrative verdict which recognised some errors were made, but nothing that pointed to negligence. I'm glad about that. I think it would make it a lot harder to deal with all of this.

I am fine thanks for all the kind thoughts.

miss I found my relationships changed. I basically have nothing to do with my PIL now. I do feel bad for DH since it puts him in a difficult position but that is how things are. I think you did the right thing asking for a different psychologist if she is making things worse then that is not going to help. Sorry to hear about the lad who threw himself off a cliff. It also made me appreciate some of my other friends, one of which offered to pack my hospital bag for me if it was too much for me to do. Another who has got baby stuff for me but says she will bring it around after the baby was here. These were not people that I would of said I was exceptionally close to before.

owl and jules I was using the monitor a couple of cycles before I got pregnant with this one. I did used to have peaks however the month that I conceived I did not have one. Obviously I must have ovulated. I did find it reassuring and much easier to use than OPK where I was trying to work out if a line was present.

star your in laws sound as sensitive has mine! You have my sympathy. It sounds like you have found a lovely stone mason. Hope you manage to find one that reflects your love for F. Though I know it is hard.

fan always around for a bit of hand holding.

rainbox how are you doing.

Also a mention for little (in case she is lurking) I know that you would of been due in June. I can not imagine what it is like to of gone through this twice. I just wanted to say that I am still thinking of you at this difficult time.

Waves and hugs to all those I have missed out.

Star I so know what you mean about the thoughtless comments on "just getting pregnant". Even if it were that easy...nobody seems to realise that its NOT a guarantee that you'll have a baby at the end of it. I suppose its better to be blissfully unaware of what can really happen. Even in our high-risk pregnancy once we got past 5 or 6 months we totally relaxed. I even skipped the "When things go wrong" chapter in "What to Expect" cos I just didnt think it would happen to us. So stupid and so wrong. And people not even asking how you are...have they really forgotten or are they just scared to ask? I only know that today I spent all morning with a friend, listening to her and her relationship worries and not once did she ask me how I am. Ggggrrrr. If I knew how to use the emitcons things that would be an angry face!

Choosing a headstone for your little man...that really is something no parent should ever, ever have to do. Big hug for you. And your comment to your tactless friend was certainly not mean at all. Her comment was just plain stupid and she deserved a good verbal slap. Hope youre feeling better today.

Re: taking wrong decisions. Yes youre right, we just did what we thought best at the time. The specialist who we've visited with all the results thinks I should have been on 8hr monitoring till Alexandras lungs were matured and then straight to a c-section - like Owl I would have demanded one if I'd known. They were only too eager to do one once they'd let her die. I had a Valium stuffed under my tongue and was expected to take the decision in under 10 mins, straight after getting the bad news. Also they told me that I would only have to wait 6 months until I tried again, yet now they refuse to take on my extreme-high-risk pregnancy (if I get that far) if I dont wait a full year. And at my age thats just not an option :(

Owl yes we are considering taking action against the hospital, but we are in touch with another couple who lost their baby (different hospital) and they have told us about the huge costs involved. Right now we are soooo strapped financially and anything we borrowed would go towards trying again if we decide to go ahead. This couple also say there is no "resolve" at the end either, even though they did win their case after 4 years in the courts.

Lemon How are you doing? You must be 37 weeks now? Have the docs decided whehter to induce you or not? Strange isnt it how people you think you can depend on let you down, and the least expected ones stand by you. I was emailing a girl on FF throughout my whole (and her) pregnancy...we got pregnant at the same time and wrote regulary. She had lost a little boy at 38 weeks in her previous pregnancy and of course I tried to be supportive but at that time had no real idea of what she was going though. When she found out that we had lost our little girl, incredibly, she dropped me like a hot potato . I never, ever heard from her again even though I wrote various times. She was the last person I would have expected to do that to me. Almost a year of "friendship" just forgotten. I can sort of understand that maybe she doesnt want any reminders of her past grief...but to do that to a "friend" who you know is devastated I think is rather cruel.

Padawow how is the bean?

Zen how are you doing?

Hello and hugs to all xx

Hello again,

Star- felix's gravestone has recently been put up, he is on the same one and is buried with my Granny. I found it an almost comforting process choosing something for him, if you see what I mean. It felt like I was doing something for him. When most of the time you feel like you cant do anything for them. I am sorry you have had some unthinking people cross your path lately- its so hard to know how I am going to react when that kind of thing is said/or not said and I have found myself many times being rather scathing to somebody.

All this talk of hindsight- I totally identify with. I was on a monitor for 2hrs and in the hospital for 3hrs, with a baby in distress that nobody picked up on. I thought I was in the best possible place. They either werent looking at the trace or the midwife couldnt interpret it, because it was so severley abnormal in terms of his heartbeat from the moment it was started. All I knew was I could hear his heart beat galloping away, and he was still alive despite the pain and the bleeding and so I didnt think for a minute that I wouldnt be taking him home. If only I had made a bigger deal of things/asked more questions/asked to see the senior registrar quicker but they didnt seem worried and I could hear his heart beating away so I just trusted them. Same goes for the week before, I was hospitalised for 24 hrs then sent home with some anti biotics and told it was "probably a UTI"- why didnt I push for them to actually find out rather than guess what was happening? Hindsight is a bugger.

Zen-The bean still seems to be there, no bleeding or cramps. So fingers crosssed all is well. I have a scan booked for next tuesday morning.

I have started to dream that it all happens again this time, the same dream every night this week. Only this time I die. I almost did when felix died, I lost 3 and half litres of blood and my family all said goodbye to me before I went into theatre. But yes as I say, this time I go with the baby and I see felix too. Its all too morbid but a sure sign my anxiety is rising. I feel like there is this knot of anxiety in my chest that has been there since I went into hospital before Felix died, that just wont go away until I have a baby safely delivered into my arms.

Just cant believe there are so many people out there this has happened to as well. I wish I could stop anyone else ever having to go through this.

Wishing you all masses of luck and sending you prayers, whatever stage of this nightmare you are at.

x

Hello ladies thought I would just drop a little update an will
Be back at weekend to post in more detail to you all. Sorry I have to be short but didn't want to drop off.
Today we had consultant apt which went ok really I got upset going back to antenatal an being in the room but had to snap myself out of it. It didn't really help that I passed the receptionist my letter to which she didn't even look an asked for my green notes when I said I didn't have any she said oh you've forget them, no I said I'm not pregnant! Oh your in the wrong place then! No I'm not if you read the letter I'm in the right place... Followed by a muttered apology!
Consultant reiterated that it was a 1 in x chance for
Us an it ''just" happened. More than eagerly told us to try again as quick as we like an advised would provide as much support as can next time.
All in all I feel even now so soon after we need to have our baby, ill never forget jack but I have to have a baby to help us xxxx
Thinking of you all xx

jules I saw your post and just wanted to say that I totally understand, I ttc'ed for 18 months before I fell pg with Ophelia, then three months after she died I had my first miscarriage and a year later my second. It took another 10 months before I fell pg again. I was told too that I must be so fertile to be pg so many times. So hurtful. Fx that you will have that BFP soon.

Hi everyone, Pad I think it is lovely that Felix shares a stone with your Granny, my DH and I also feel like choosing the stone is something lovely to do for Finn, but it was still so hard. I was feeling all positive about it and the meeting with the stonemason went well but I've been so teary this week, I think it has had more of an impact than I expected. Fingers crossed for your scan on Tuesday, I hope all is well and that it reassures you (even if only for a little while before the worry kicks in again).

Zen you poor thing, what is wrong with medical receptionists? I have only come across one nice one, ever. I really do think that hospital staff in particular need to have more training on how to deal with people who have been through what we have. Sadly as we now all know, it isn't that uncommon. How do you feel after the results? I was also told we were just v unlucky and "one of those things" I felt pretty flat afterwards, nothing will bring our little ones back. Good news (in a way) that you can start trying again for a little brother or sister.

Jules so frustrating when people say things like you ae fertile, or you won't have any problems. We conceived Finn quickly so were lucky, but now we are on cycle 7 and nothing at all. People just keep saying to me that we won't have a problem-how do they know??? I also feel like I shouldn't be trying to get preg at all, if all had gone as it should have I would have a 6mth old gurgling away next to me now and imagine getting pg would be the last thing on my mind.

Miss that seems ridiculous advice re waiting a year, surely they take your age into consideration when handing out advice like that? Honestly, the medical profession baffles me at times. I hope the last couple of days have been uneventful for you (uneventful is what I hope for a the mo).

Owl I've been a bit naughty and declined all wedding invites thus far. I went to SILs wedding in December and bawled my way through the service and the meal and then made a speedy exit. I declined the 2 from friends for this year, luckily no more weddings now so I'm off the hook for a while. It just makes me so sad, like you, I think I Sould be there showing off my cheeky monkey and I just can't bear to see the happy families there with their children.

I've taken the step of stopping my OPKs this month, I've done the last 4 cycles and always got a positive on the same day so figured it probably isn't worth continuing and it might just add to the stress. Having said that, I'm not sure I've ovulated this month at all as I haven't had any other "signs" bl**dy typical that this is the month I haven't used OPKs. Trying to de-stress slightly. I THINK (although could change my mind tomorrow) that I feel if we don't get pg this month then that is OK and maybe another month to get emotionally stronger isn't necessarily a bad thing...... Now watch me have a melt down when AF arrived in a couple of weeks.....

Hope everyone is doing ok. X

Oh star every month I think this, the longer it takes the stronger we will be. And also about if we had a little one we wouldn't even be trying. But we havn't and we are. Why shouldn't we want to have a family? It's a perfectly normal thing to want.

Hello everyone,

I have been away from the thread for about a month, and I am so sorry to have to welcome so many new faces. This thread has been a lifeline to me, and I hope you can find some comfort here too even though I am sorry you have had to begin this journey.

My son Dexter was born with no warning at 24 weeks last year, and lived for 12 days. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly, and I am so very grateful, but it has been a rollercoaster. The doctors think I probably had an incompetent cervix, so I had a stitch put in this time and I am now at 30 weeks.

This month has been Dexter's birthday, the anniversery of his death and then DH came off his bike and broke a collarbone! RL has just been wearing me down. But, my maternity leave has now started and I really will make an effort to be around more!

Thinking of all of us. There is sunshine and birdsong where I am, I hope we can all find some peace today.

rainbox yay for mat leave! I've got a few weeks to go before I have to decide, but I do have five weeks holiday to take too!

star I didn't use opks when I was ttc for Ophelia, then the first month I did - fell pg. I then fell pg twice more with them. And then this time I didn't use them because I had the flu had sex once and well got a BFP. So I guess what I'm saying is its good to know your cycle, but you never know when one of those little spermies is going to get through.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say will help any of you ladies especially the newer ladies but two years on from Fi's death and I feel totally ready now for this baby. I do feel more peace. I think that first year of grief is so hard but your body yearns for a baby so much, but looking back I'm not sure how I would have coped. Not to say I wouldn't have, I think I just want you all to know that is it gets easier to carry the grief and I hope when you do fall pg that you can enjoy parts of it.
I have enjoyed so far parts of mine, but at the moment I just need to get these next two weeks over with so I can have my 20 week scan. I can't feel anything, no flutterings no tightenings, I guess my fibroids are making it difficult again. I wish I had written down when pg with Fi, when I first felt her.

I do think of Fi often I think of her as if she was here and two years old, what would she be doing. I think she would be playing in the grass, picking buttercups and daisies, I would make her a daisy crown. It makes me smile to think of her like that.

Hello everyone, have been lurking rather than posting. I've been up and down the last week or so - kept feeling as though AF is about to show up, but not so far. How long did it take for everyone else?

star I know what you mean about people making throw away comments about getting pg - a week or so after Eddy died, I needed my hair cutting and thought it'd help to sit and have a banal conversation with someone who didn't know anything about what had happened. In trying to avoid talking about children, I kept the conversation about work (which felt odd enough as I was on mat leave, but seemed a 'safe' subject) when I said a couple of negative things (i have a rubbish commute etc) she said I should 'just get pg and go on mat leave'... Couldn't really tell her that I'd been on mat leave for a fortnight and my son was dead. At least that wasn't her fault though, she wasnt to know.

babyh thank you for thinking of me, and what helped your kids. Our eldest 2 are the same age, and we also have a 4 yr old. Sounds like we've handled it in a similar way, although they did come to the funeral as they were so upset to never have got to hold or meet their brother, we couldn't do anything about that but at least we could include them in everything else, and they realy wanted to go. They also each have his photos, and have made things to go in his coffin and in the memory box. I think all that has helped, but I do think they have worries they're not sharing with us (possibly about death in general, and other people dying?). Thy've also said they'd like us to try again. I was half really pleased, as that's what I want so much, and half really sad, because if we don't (either because it's too risky or just doesn't happen) it means they'll be sad because of that too. Just wish I could make everyone happy again.

Sorry for long post, will stop now! Hope everyones enjoyed the sunshine today

google mine took five weeks, but I did have a retained placenta that they had to remove so that reduced my bleeding.

Google mine was 4 weeks after the bleeding stopped.

Hope everyone has had a gentle day today, we were promised sunshine but haven't seen much of it sadly....

I hope everyone has had a peaceful weekend.

Mine has been fine up untill this afternoon, I've been suffering from hayfever, and found out its because thers two aspen trees right next to my house! Can't take meds because I'm pg, so just have to lump it.
And then we've just spent 6 hours trying to get one of our one year old kitties back in the house, this may sound silly but he just wouldn't come back. I got a bit upset, I can't hack losing something else I love, last year was terrible when I miscarried and then 6 weeks later our new kitten died. I kept thinking that it was happening all over again.

God that does all sound silly.

Sorry you've been feeling upset fanjo - I don't think it's silly, it's totally understandable. And hay fever is just rubbish, especially when you can't take anything for it. Hope it's easing off now and you get a good nights sleep x

Google I expressed for a fortnight, and then my AF returned exactly 32 days after I stopped and settled into a cycle fairly quickly. I really hope it starts soon for you so you know where you stand x

Fanjo I'm sorry you had a rotten afternoon. I understand. I am regularly totally paranoid about something happening to DH, or my mum or siblings. Really irrationally so. I guess we now know that bed things do happen to good people and it is hard not to think about. I can also sympathise with the hayfever, I've had an evil cough for three weeks now. And I can't take any of the really effective drugs so I just have to cough til I throw up. Will all be worth it in the long run!

Thinking about all of us. It is beautiful and sunny up here. DH's parents came round yesterday with a present for us of some lovely garden furniture in Dexter's memory so I think I am going to go drink some caffine free tea in the sun. Maternity leave is great but odd, I can't shake the feeling I SHOULD be doing something!

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for a while and reading stories and finding great comfort. We lost our little girl at 30 weeks nearly 5 weeks ago, and like feels pretty bleak right now. Occasionally the sun breaks through the black clouds, giving us some respite in short bursts, but there seem to be lots of things that send us hurtling back those 5 weeks to 'the day'. This morning we got a date for the funeral, and it's my husband's first day back at work, so having a bit of a struggle today.

We're TTC again - feels like falling pregnant is the only thing that will help us move forward - and it's so reassuring to read about the forthcoming rainbow babies on this board! Makes me feel hopeful that I could have one soon too.

Xxx

Hi check sorry that you find yourself on this thread. It is quite normal to feel bleak at this point. I am not sure how I functioned. Remember I watched a lot of qvc since that seemed to be the only child free channel. Do you want to tell us about your little girl? I lost my son in May 2011. He died in the womb and no one could tell us why. I am now expecting my rainbow baby, who is due this month.

Fan I was so upset that my cat died a couple of months ago. I think we just expect bad things to happen. I know at my NCT group I have not told them about my son.I thought I would wait till they delivered, since they all seem blissfully ignorant and telling stories about buying mobiles after the 12 week scan. We all have bad days and we are all here for hand holding. I often think about you and how you are doing. Having hayfever is rubbish. Have they suggested that you smear vaseline in the inside of your nostril apparently it helps trap the pollen.

google I also went and got my haircut after I lost my son. Only the hairdresser that I ended up seeing had had a stillbirth about 10 years ago.I wonder if it was some sign that I ended up with her and that she was there for me that day.

star and jules it has taken me 2 years to get my rainbow. Hang in there. I also got lots of you must be fertile comments together with the when are you going to try again. Then when I announced this pregnancy at 20 weeks got was it planned!!!

I will just wave to everyone else. Take care and hugs

Hi Check I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, it makes me so sad and angry that there are so many people loosing their babies. We would love to hear about your little girl if you would like to tell us abut her. I lost my son at 27 weeks in September last year, he was my first baby and died in the womb due to cord issues. 5 weeks is such a short time, like lemon I'm not sure how I functioned. Well done for still being here and finding this thread, I hope we can support you. I'm not surprised today has been tough, I was terrified when my DH went back to work (like fan and lemon I just expected bad things to happen) and couldn't bear being apart from him.

I know it sounds like a cliche and at the moment things seem bleak but they WILL get slightly easier. I don't think the grief will ever go away, but I am now almost 9 months down the line from saying goodbye to my little boy and the gaps between the awful days are much longer.

Lots of love x

Oh and fan this might be a ridiculous comment, but I have heard eating locally made honey is good for hayfever (I've never suffered thankfully so feel free to ignore me).

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've been AWOL for so long, sometimes I just need to let the time pass and not think too much. Welcome to all the new faces, it's so sad there are so many new people, I wish this thread wasn't needed.
For those of you I haven't 'met' properly, I have two boys (10,5) and last April my little girl Merryn was born. We knew from 20wk scan that she had a large tumour, although we thought it would be fine after an op. anyway, she arrived 8weeks early due to me being very ill with Mirror Syndrome, and the op to remove her tumour failed. She struggled to get strong for six days before we said goodbye.

I am now 27+4 with another boy. I've also had three MCs. This time around I am on asprin (to hold off the pre-eclampsia) and they have found out I have an autoimmune condition which means I'm on thyroid pills. I was also on high dose Folic acid, but reduced now. They scan me every few weeks.
So that's me.... Being pregnant again is in turn amazing and terrifying. It's easier now I can feel my little boy kicking, but I still fear for what could happen. As others have said, fear is now part of life. The days are easier though, and I re-live things less often.
I will go back and read though the thread to catch up, my thoughts are with you all. X

Hi check so sorry for your loss, and that today is a struggle. It has been a black cloud day for me too. We lost our son Eddy at 36 weeks 9 weeks ago tomorrow. It was due to a placental abruption, everything had seemed fine up til that night when I bled and there was no heartbeat when I got to hospital.
I have found the sun has broken through the clouds increasingly often since then, and I am very much trying to hold on to that thought today. One day at a time... Actually right now, it's more like 1 hour at a time. I have other children, who have struggled with their own grief, and who are currently putting up with a teary, grumpy mum who's hiding on her iPad whilst they have tea.
I long to try again too, not that anyone else could replace Eddy, but it would help soften the pain I think. Maybe it's not even that, just a deep longing that I can't rationalise. We are waiting for an appointment with the consultant to go through the results of the post mortem; it may be that trying again is too risky, especially given we already have kids. That thought just makes me feel so utterly despondent right now. In any case I've had no visit from AF just yet, so I have no choice but to just wait, but it's on my mind all the time.
Thanks green, star, lemon and rain - your comments have all been things I've held on to today; that it will get easier, and that there is hope for a rainbow.

Btw fan I did try the eating local honey thing previously - it did seem to help, and is quite nice as natural remedies go, so prob worth a try :).

Wow, thank you so much for your replies. I haven't really spoken the story out loud, so maybe this is a good place to practise it before I have to verbalise it face to face to someone... I had a textbook, super healthy pregnancy - our first one, and we conceived about a month after we got married last July. We were amazingly happy about it, and I can't believe how much I loved being pregnant! We were expecting a baby girl whom we had already decided was stunningly beautiful from her perfect scan pictures and a 4D scan video we had done at about 28 weeks - I watched that so much. A week before my 32 week midwife check up - five weeks ago today in fact - we went for our first prenatal class in the evening. I realised during it that I hadn't felt my normally super active baby kick for quite a while that day. We went home to have dinner and spend a bit of time sitting still and feeling her kick, but I realised something was wrong when I didn't feel anything over half a hour. So we rushed back to the hospital where 2 midwives searched for her heartbeat on the Doppler to no avail, and then at about 11pm a consultant scanned us. I'll never forget seeing her eerily lifeless body on that scan. She looked so perfect. But so still.

I delivered her in an 8 hour labour two days later and have been trying to put my world back together since. I flit between desperately wanting to fall pregnant again to panicking about all the things that might go wrong a second time. We're waiting on our PM results, and now have our funeral date for the 19th. My brain seems to have frozen solid though - I can't seem to think about any of this at the moment - mental inertia has hit quite hard. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism. I'm not sure.

So it's a 'one day at a time' approach right now. I should be hearing from the consultant tomorrow and maybe get a précis of the PM results. I look forward to these big milestones being behind us so we can finally move forward. But for now, one day at a time.

There. I said it all. Sorry for any typos, can't bring myself to read it back...

X

Hi Check thank you for sharing, she sounds like a wonderful little girl and I know it must have been hard to write down your story. All the milestones are so hard. Lots of us on here had perfect pregnancies so can relate to that part of your story. I really hope your chat with the consultant tomorrow is as helpful as it can be. For what it's worth the mental inertia is totally normal, I wandered around like a zombie for quite a while, I'm sure it is a coping mechanism, I'm not sure how I would have got through the early days otherwise. We will be here for you tomorrow if you need some hand holding.

Hi Google, I'm SO glad there have been some brighter hours/days, we have to cling on to those moments don't we. Thank you for endorsing my local honey idea too!

I'm off to bed now having just watched "The fall", its pretty creepy so hope I don't have nightmares!

Hello again.

Had my early scan today. Good news is things are in the right place and there was the tiny flicker of a heart beat. Bad news is I measured with dates right on the edge of possible. 6 weeks, just. I thought i'd be quite a bit further forward. I dont think its going to work out this time and that the pregancy is failing. It was too good to be true, it being first month after the six months they told us to wait before trying. I have to go back in 2 weeks. Felix would have been 7 months tomorrow. Feel like I might break in half.

Dear Check in reading your story, the love, hope and excitement you felt at carrying your little girl is palpable, I am so very sorry you didnt get to bring her home. I hope those scan images might bring you some sort of comfort in the coming months. My ultrasound images from my pregnancy with Felix, have sustained me in my blackest moments as they offer a snap shot of my little boy-alive. I hope the consultant and pm results help to give you some answers.