Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Oh green that sounds terrifying. Head wounds bleed so much :( I'm glad he is fine though, ice cream heals a lot. Also glad your mother has left! Sorry if that sounds mean, I know you find her a bit difficult x x

How is everyone doing? Been so quiet on here recently, I hope things are ok with you all xxx

kleine, I hope that things are going ok and that the drugs aren't making you feel too bad xx

fan thinking of you and hoping that everything is going ok xxx

Thinking of all of you xxx

hello all, been reading, then have been absent after this thread fell off my active list... but I have so many good wishes to send out, please accept a flow of love to you all, as we worry about our growing babies and sick families, as we hope for those magical BFPs, and as we hold hands to give each other courage.

I had a follow up scan today which went well, only 1 baby but we saw the heartbeat which was reassuring, so thankful. 6+3 so puts me at nov 16th.

I know anything can happen all the way through so I'll never be complacent but for now all is well and I am happy with that.

Hope everyone else is ok. I'm exhausted. Looking at getting Ella christened by May, about time. Lots to do and I'm wondering how I will cope with 5 and a sick dh. I'm so nervous about doing this again so soon.

Just a quick check in, I hope everyone is well. Sorry no time to name check, but I have read back.

Cheese, yay for a heart beat!

Hi all. It has been quiet on here... I hope everyone is doing well.
Thank you elly - and others! - for thinking of me. I am doing ok at the moment. Apart from the odd bit of completely overwhelming tiredness, and a slightly 'heavy' tummy where the follicles are growing, I'm very grateful to be free of side effects so far. I was so concerned about the hormones affecting my mood (when I'm already pretty much on the edge!) but they haven't, which is great. I shall update you all if we manage to get as far as egg collection...
Also, elly, not long now for you - neeeearly there. Are you managing to enjoy the beginnings of your maternity leave a little bit, or is just all too stressful to be able to use the word 'enjoy'? Lots of love to you xxx

Hi blizy how are you doing my dear?

rainbox so glad all was good with the twenty-week scan.

green how's J - I hope he's all healed up now? How frightening for you. I'm glad he recovered quickly from the shock of it.
Glad your mum was well enough to travel home; it must have been a difficult week for you all. Hope you're having a slightly more restful time now xx

fan how're you doing?

Sending tons of love back to you, too, mias

cheese so glad you saw a heartbeat. And gosh, of course you're worried about managing with five little ones plus DH needing help too - there must be such a lot for you to do. Do you have much support from friends/family?

babyh thinking of you - you must be in the States by now - I hope so much that you are able to relax a LITTLE bit and enjoy the time with your family plus your secret extra passenger
I'm so sorry about your grandad xxx

I'm not sure who I've missed - my apologies - I am off out now for another scan. Love to you all xxxxxxx

KLEINE, good luck with them finding what they hope for on the scan. It must be nerve wracking for you and DH. I'm glad it's not making you feel too rough.

Cheese, it's great you could see a heartbeat, are you and FAN about the same weeks then?

Sorry not to namecheck. Will read back properly soon.

Just been to the maternity day unit as MW recommended I get checked as couldn't feel baby move. Very tense day! All ok though, HB good and strong, and thankfully easy to find this time! I wish I could fast forward to him being here and safe... I don't think I believed it would be ok today.

It's Merryns birthday in just over two weeks. It can't be a year ago....

9 weeks yesterday by my dates 8 weeks tomorrow by the early scan dates. I'm seeing the midwife on tuesday for the booking in appointment.
Had to lie at work yesterday, someone came up to me and said that she was going to ask me something and I had to tell her the truth, she said your pregnant aren't you, I can tell. Then she said I was glowing. I told her no and that I'd rather not talk about it. She did apologise later. God some people wish they would just leave me alone.

cheese so glad all is well. And I'm sure you will be fine with five. My DH is one of five and they all pretty much look after each other.

green how scary for you, I hope it all settles soon and baby starts to kick more regularly for you.

poppet good luck honey, I hope those ovaries produce a good crop.

Fan, so pleased everything is going along well. I am at your colleague - some people are so nosy! Imagine demanding to be told the truth. I'm glad you said no. The bumptiousness!

Cheese, you are superwoman as it is! So happy that you saw the little hb.

My period is just starting, I have started spotting. I'm just so fucking fed up of it now, it has been 2years now of ttc. Thank god this is a holiday weekend, I am going to drink wine and eat lots of chocolate, as soon as I finish work today.

Hi everyone,

Blizy I'm so sorry about your period, it is totally crap, no other words for it. I think wine and choc is a good idea.

Fan some people are totally tactless, I think you did the right thing by saying "no" though.

Green sounds like you've had a rough time recently, I hope the little one starts to wriggle around a bit more soon, the movements must help to reassure you a bit. Big hugs to you coming up to Merryn's birthday.

Cheese great news for the heartbeat.

Babyh very sorry about your grandad. I hope you are managing to relax on your hols.

Elly thinking of you, hope the next couple of weeks pass quickly.

Rinbox Hi! Very sorry to hear about your son and also congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm glad everything was ok at your scan and fingers crossed he is in position to give you a good view of his face and heart next time.

Hello to everyone else I haven't mentioned, hope you are all doing ok xxxxx

Hi there - new here and wondering if I can join?
My son was born sleeping last Nov and I've just miscarried my rainbow - ERPC two and a half weeks ago :-(
Now about to start TTC again..... Feeling very out of sorts! Just wish I could speed time along....
Hope everyone here is doing ok x

Oh blizy sweetie I just want to shout and scream on your behalf. I'm so sorry. I wish I understood why you are having to go through this... but I have no idea. Huge, huge hugs xxxx

green what a difficult day. So glad all ok with the LO. Have you got a relaxing Easter coming up But I know that things will feel really hard, with Merryn's birthday coming up so soon. What date is it? Hugs for you too xxx

fan what are your colleagues like?! Grrr. Well done, and glad you're doing ok.
and too I LOVE your perfect use of the word 'bumptiousness'

littlestar hello my love!

jules I'm so sorry you find yourself here - you are more than welcome, although we will all wish you didn't have to be here - and to hear about your precious little boy. Feel very free to tell us more about yourself and your son, if you'd like to.
I'm so sorry to hear about your recent m/c as well. I do know how you feel... I lost my daughter at the age of two days last June (and had to go in for an ERPC a month later, due to retained placenta), then had an early m/c at the end of Nov/beginning of Dec. It's crap, isn't it? Am now going through IVF, as it's pretty hard for us to conceive naturally and we don't want to risk missing our chance, but that brings its own challenges of course! I hope you fall pg again soon xx

Hi Kleinepoppet - thanks for your reply!
Hope everyone is doing ok?
My son, Ben was born at term plus 12 days and was IUGR. He died during labour. He was far too precious and perfect; conceived after two years of fertility treatment.
Our second was conceived naturally first cycle after Ben but it sadly wasn't to be.... ERPC at 10 weeks as ovum blighted.
Really need to hear success stories and would love to hear about others stories here too....!
Hugs x

Hi Jules. I'm sorry that Ben isn't still with you, where he should be, he sounds like a gorgeous little boy. His name is lovely, we had it on our list every time. There are lots of success stories here, but the thing I think that has helped me the most is the sheer determination, bravery, and strength that the ladies on this thread show day in day out, it has helped me to keep going lots of times.
I am lucky enough to have two amazing boys, aged 10 and 5, and on 12th of April last year I had my daughter, Merryn. We knew from the 20 wk scan that she had a tumour, and she was transferred to GOSH straight after birth. I was also very ill with PE. The op wasn't a success, and although she tried to get strong again for six days, she didn't make it, and we had to say goodbye. She was beautiful and strong and I miss her terribly.
I had two MCs before Merryn and one after, and am now 18 wks pregnant with a little boy. During this they have found out I have an autoimmune problem that affects my thyroid, and are now treating me for it, I am also on high dose FA and low dose asprin, I don't know if any of that is helping, but I like to think something is!
I hope you find some comfort and hope here, and people who understand. X

KLEINE, I hope your scan went as well as possible. I don't know much about IVF, but I have everything crossed that you don't have to go through this for long before your rainbow is conceived.

BLIZY, there isn't anything I can really say. It's shit, and wrong. I wish it wasnt taking so long for you. I don't know where you are up to with tests and consultants, are they DOING anything? You always seem to me, without 'knowing' you, like you are able to find love and hope in situations, hearing your wedding story inspired how I got through the summer after Merryn with our boys, filling it with as many love filled moments and memories as possible, carrying Merryn in my heart. And that was a lifeline. I wish we could carry you through in the way you have often carried us, please know people are really very much sending you hope, love and strength, I'm sorry we don't have more than this. Xxx

LITTLESTAR.. How are you?

FAN, your work colleague is shocking! You did very well, I think my jaw may just have dropped. People are so stupid at times. If you ARE blooming though, that's very lovely?! (I look like hell)!

My little one has been off all week with a bug, which DP also had, as did I. We have BIL arriving after lunch for WE, which is nice, but I'd rather just sleep and relax. Oh well. I think the run up to Merryns birthday will be the hardest bit. I'm determined that the actual day will be nice for the boys. We are going to Trebuh Gardens in Cornwall for the day. The bluebells should be up by then, and I associate them so strongly with Merryn.
I don't know how to cope with the 18th, which is the day we said goodbye to Merryn. I want to ignore it, but I won't be able to. I don't think the boys will think about it as a 'day' and that's fine. I think I'm angry at it existing, and don't want a negative day to mark, if that makes sense. I don't know. maybe it will have a natural course, and I will just flow through it.

Hey greengoose, thanks for your reply. I'm so sorry about Merryn... She has the same birthday as my Brother. The day I'm sure will be so difficult and painful but I hope it will pass gently. We are already thinking about Bens birthday - we plan to go to the butterfly farm together (dh and I) and then have lunch somewhere remote. It's so utterly tragic that so many families have to plan days such as these.
We have just come back from seeing Ben at the cemetery - we go every Saturday morning together and as I was stood there the sun came out; it was so warm on my face I felt sure it was angel Ben saying hello and standing with me. It made me smile.
Kleine - I hope your IVF is ok? We were about to have that right when we conceived Ben. It's a tough road but happy to offer words of support if I can on here.
Greengoose - congrats on your new journey.... Even that gives me strength and hope. I'm sorry to hear of all your heartbreaks but hope this journey will be special and precious. Looking forward to hearing all your news as things progress!
Also looking forward to meeting others here.
I'm patiently waiting for AF post ERPC now.... Finally got all HCG out of my system and now on the look out for ovulation signs! Fingers crossed.
Anyhow hope you are all planning a nice weekend x

Green, it's so heart warming to hear that i inspred you. We have my little Zoe bear to thank for that. I am not finding any hope today, still in my pj's on the couch with my duvet.
I am still on the waiting list for the fertility clinic.
Do you have anything planned for Merryn's birthday? How can a year have passed already? I often think of you, your boys and Merryn. I love your heart stones and river, such a beautiful thing to do for your perfect, precious Merryn. X

Jules, I am so sorry you find yourself here on this thread. Ben is such a fab name for your perfect little boy, I'm utterly heart broken that he can not be with you. I am sorry to hear about your MC too.
The ladies on here are such a fantastic bunch, I'm sure you will find lots of support and friendship from us all.

Fan, how are you doing?

Thinking about Kleine, cheese, razz, littlestar, too, elly, Mia's, whatever, babyh, mumlah, blue and everyone else,,apologies to anyone I have missed.

Spilt and angel, hope you are both ok? Not heard from you in a while. X

jules welcome, so sorry to hear about your little Ben.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn 23 months ago due to a knot in her cord. She was a perfect little golden haired girl. I have had two early miscarriages but I'm currently pg. I hope this thread helps you as it has helped me, I don't think I would feel as strong as I do with out these wonderful women behind me.

green I'm thinking of you often in the run up to Merryns birthday.

blizy I want to scream and shout for you! Bloody AF why can't she go do one! Have a slobby day on the sofa I think you deserve one, and I hope very much that you will get that BFP very soon.

We have decided to call this bump Bumpkin.

Fan.. I've been waiting on your name for bump! Bumpkin is very sweet! You are so brave, I can't think too much about 'actual real babies' yet... Although I had a few more flutters, so it is getting more real whether I admit it or not!

BLIZY... Duvet days are just sometimes the way to get through, (duvet weeks have been known here, but don't tell my DP).

JULES.. The wait after ERPC is horrid, I hope it passes quickly and your body picks up its rythme soon. It's lovely that you felt Ben close to you today. The sunshine is so welcome after the grey skies, I love spring.

In 'other news' our sewage tank has overflowed in the woods. (too much rain). Dp is going to be shovelling it out this WE. What a joy. I shall cook and play with the kids and try my best to ignore......

green oh no what bad luck! Your poor Dh having to deal with that.
We named Ophelias bump Bubble because I needed to feel attached to it, I didnt feel pregnant and it didnt feel real. But now its like we have to acknowledge the little baby with a name, just incase it doenst survive. Its nice to say when I was pregnant with beanbag or bungle, they may not have had a heartbeat but they were so nearly here. We all get through this in our own ways I guess.Weve even talked of names, which I still cant quite beleive.

Im being waited on all the time by DH, he wont let me hoover, dust, cook, even do the washing. So I have been sitting watching copious amounts of tv, loving the reruns of Great British bake off, though seeing some of the raw ingredients does make me feel sick.

Hope everyone is well this easter break.

A little hello from the sofa - my DH is doing the same as yours, fan, although for different reasons! I am under orders to rest quite a lot this weekend, in order to make sure my body has plenty of energy to devote to growing follicles... We are watching Game of Thrones series 2 on DVD, which keeps DH out of trouble when he's not doing the cooking
All looking ok from the scans at the moment, there are a few follicles growing, which is good - we'd worried that I might not respond to the drugs at all, but even on a low dose it seems to be working ok.

jules our stories are perhaps a bit similar in some ways - we struggled for years to conceive, then we actually conceived our daughter, naturally, during an IVF cycle - I did the down regs, but then my period never arrived... So the world of the fertility clinic isn't new to me, although it's a very different experience going through treatment as a bereaved mother. Managing ok so far though.
I'm so, so sorry you lost your lovely Ben during labour. Were they able to give you a reason for the IUGR? My DD was severely brain damaged when my labour was induced at 42 weeks. In her case it was due to undiagnosed vasa previa. She was born by crash CS, about 16/17 minutes after the cord broke and I started haemorrhaging, and was eventually revived in order to give us two days together, before she just couldn't keep going any more. My perfect little girl.

green you made me cry with your sweet, sweet words for blizy. I just want to reach out and hug you both!
blizy pyjama days are a speciality of mine. I'm so sorry that you're not finding any hope today... You have been ttc after Zoe for far, far too long, and I can't imagine how painful and exhausting it is. Honestly, if I could somehow gift you a BFP, even if it meant waiting a bit longer for my own, I would. I wish I had a magic wand... (And I really wish your fertility clinic would get a bloody move on. Waiting list, schmaiting list, as far as you're concerned. I just hope so much that they see you soon....)

Oh - my dinner is ready - but, love to everyone else too x

Kleine, my lovely you have in turn made me cry with your words. I wouldn't take the bfp from you, you deserve yours as much as as me and everyone on this thread.
Yay to the follicles, I really do hope you have a bumper crop of eggs to harvest. Enjoy your dinner!

I'm still on the couch, although I have showered and changed into fresh pj's. dh has been out watching football since midday, he just called to ask if he could stay out longer. I agreed he could, but wish I hadn't. Modding want to be a meanie and tell him I wanted him home.

Hi everyone,

Jules welcome, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Your darling Ben sounds just perfect, i so wish he was here with you. My son was stillborn in September last year at 27 weeks, he was our first baby and we are totally heartbroken that he isn't here with us. We are ttc again but no luck so far. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, it is so sad under normal circumstances, but when you are already grieving I imagine it must give you a whole other layer of emotions to work through.

Blizy I've been thinking of you lots this weekend, I also specialise in PJ and chocolate days-far too many recently. You obviously have really wonderful friends (the posts on here make me cry). I'm praying you don't have to wait much longer for your Rainbow xx

Fan Hi! Glad Your DH s waiting on you hand and foot.

Kleine hello lovely, glad your DH has been looking after you this weekend. I have been keeping you in my prayers.

Green thanks for asking after me, I've had a bit of a funny day today (more of that in a bit). Thinking of you so much in the run up to Merryn's birthday, I'm glad you have some plans for the day itself, but I imagine the whole period, both before and after will be tough for you. Sending lots of love xx

My update-DH went to a wedding today (I decided it would be too much for me so declined) and I spent the day with my mum. Found out that her close friend (an older mum) has just miscarried at about 16 weeks and my primary feeling was one of relief. I feel like such a terrible person, I never wanted her to have this baby, she announced pregnancy just 3 months after F died (and went on and on about how difficult it was for her being scared because my baby had died) she didn't want to have this baby and I just felt so devastated and jealous. I obviously never wished her or her baby any harm (and i know only too well that thoughts alone cannot determine the outcome of a pregnancy) and now I feel sad for her and her husband, but mainly I just feel relieved that i wont have to see or hear baby news from her. My emotions seem to be so different for people who have suffered loss like we have. rainbow babies give me hope and I can feel genuinely 100% happy, why can't I feel like that for others? Why can't I just have a "normal" reaction?

The rest of my day was quite nice, went to F's "spot" and then a really special evening vigil service at church (no electricity, loads of candles, really spiritual and special) and I felt so close to F, it was wonderful and sad at the same time. Then went to pick DH up from the wedding and there was a pregnancy announcement (I'm SO glad I didn't go). It has just made me feel sad that I don't have my baby boy here with me, I miss him so so much and it is so hard being a mum without my baby here. Not sure i will be able to sleep tonight as my head is whirring with emotions and thoughts. Sorry for long rambling update and I also really hope I haven't offended anybody with how I feel about the news I received today, wish I didn't feel how I do. It is also 1 year ago tomorrow that I got my BFP, I was so excited and happy-what a contrast to how I feel now....

Sending so much love and strength to all of you xxxxxx