Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

blizy oh dear, tears all round yesterday then! Thank you for your sweet words. I hope so very much that today's a better day, that you and DH have lots of time together and can just relax and enjoy each other's company xx

littlestar goodness... I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your mum's friend - of course I remember how difficult and complicated it was when you found out she was pregnant. Please give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling... You're not a terrible person at ALL, you're doing the best you can with such a whirlwind of emotions, and your feelings will change with time. (Knowing you as I do, I strongly suspect that soon you will be able to offer her support, while she starts to grapple with her loss.) I have certainly wished that friends' babies haven't existed, during their pregnancies - without wishing them harm, just wished that they would somehow evaporate - fortunately none of them had any problems and all have arrived safely, but it would have felt hugely complicated if any part of my wishes had 'come true'. Hugs to you and esp on the anniversary of your BFP. I hope you got a bit of sleep xx

Wishing everyone a peaceful Easter and many many blessings over the year to come.

littlestar I really understand how you feel, and I don't know if this will help but a good friend of mine once said you never know the trials and sadness another couple has been through. And that may not be the case for your friend but I try and think this when those feelins take hold of me. Don't be hard on yourself your feelings are totally normal, but isn't it just wonderful that you can come here and say them instead of letting them fester. Be gentle with yourself.

Hey all.... Just wanted to say that our Angels are enjoying their Easter treats up there together.... Today is hard but we will ALL get there in time.... It's just that time seems so long and it's hard to wait as it ticks by. I hope you are all having a gentle day x

Littlestar - I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so incredibly hard. I plus all the others here know how you feel and I an echo the feelings you have about others. All totally normal and I also feel this too from time to time.
Have a gentle day today and try to keep positive - you have strength oozing from your core which is how you find yourself still here after your loss.... I keep telling myself that everyday.

I wanted to share this poem for us all today:

I'm There Inside Your Heart...
Right now I'm in a different place, And though we seem apart, I'm closer than I ever was... I'm there inside your heart. I'm with you when you greet each day And while the sun shines bright, I'm there to share the sunsets, too...I'm with you every night. I'm with you when the times are good, To share a laugh or two, And if a tear should start to fall...I'll still be there for you. And when the day arrives That we no longer are apart, I'll smile and hold you close to me...Forever in my heart. Text © Abbey Press

xxx

Thanks Jules that is a beautiful poem.

Thank you for being kind about my feelings Kleine Fan and Jules Despite having about 4 hours sleep and being exhausted I actually feel a bit better able to cope today. I think yesterday it was all a bit of a whirlwind for me and my emotions are a bit more in check now (a good old cry provided some release too). I am happy for my friend who is pregnant, it is a much longed for pregnancy for her (yesterday it just made me feel so sad about not having F here with me). I have also got past my confused feelings about the miscarriage and feel just sadness for my mums friend and her husband. I am so grateful for being able to let it all out on here, it really does help, thank you.

I hope everyone is having a gentle Easter weekend-we are about to attempt a leg of lamb......

xxxxxxxxx

Little, I so know how you feel about the pregnancy announcements. A close friend of ours is just recently pg with their second child, there are only a few weeks between their dd and Zoe. It just feels so unfair that they ateon their second child, when I can't hold my first and only baby.

Jules, thank you for the poem, it is beautiful. I am sorry I haven't properly introduced myself. My dd Zoe (first and only child) was born sleeping at 41 weeks in Feb 2011 after I went to hospital with reduced movements. I had a condition called defective placental maturation and we also found at the PM that Zoe had Down's syndrome .

I hope everyone has had a gentle day, I may be a little drunkon wine .

blizy getting drunk is clearly the only sensible thing to do... I am quite sure I'll be enjoying a glass or seventeen of wine if the IVF doesn't work...
It IS massively unfair that your friends are expecting their second while you don't have Zoe. Life really sucks at times, doesn't it? Sending you lots of love on this chilly Bank Hol xx

Sending everyone so much love this Easter Monday. The snow has finally melted up here and the sun has returned to the sky. Went to Dexter's grave yesterday and the crocuses my MIL planted have started to flower. It was lovely to look at, but did make me cry. How can life possibly go on, and the seasons swing around again, when we have lost so much and feel so broken sometimes?

Kleine I am so glad this cycle is looking good so far. I must admit I have no idea how IVF works, but it sounds very stressful. I am pleased you are getting RL support too.

Green you poor thing. I am glad you got the scan though, and hoping this little one gets wriggily quickly. I can't believe Merryn's birthday is so soon. Dexter's is on the 30th April. It seems mad, how can it have been a whole year? Thinking about you.

Fan grrr to insensitive colleagues. Thankfully I only have one other person in my office, and they are frightened I might cry, throw up on or eat them. You would think yours would have thought though. Bumpkin is a wonderful name. Good luck for the booking in appointment tomorrow.

Blizy I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. I wish I knew what to say. I hope at least that you drank my share of the wine? Sending you all the love I have.

Jules So sorry to have to "meet" you here but sending you such a warm welcome. Ben is the name of my very favourite person in the world, so I am very biased towards it. I am sorry your son in not here with you, and that you have had to deal with another loss. My first child Dexter was born at 24 weeks last year and stayed with us for a fortnight. Sadly he was just too premature to survive. I am now 21 weeks pregnant with a little brother for him, and delighted and terrified in fairly equal measures!

Littlestar thank you. We got a really good look at Noodles this time, his face and heart are all fine. Though she took forever to look at his heart and I of course paniced and thought the worst. Turns out all is well. Other people's babies and pregnancies are so difficult. It's a hard anniversery for you as well, no wonder you feel down. Sometimes a good rant and a cry helps, and we are always here! I met a friend's baby last weekend and it was the first baby boy I had met since Dexter died. All my friends have had girls so far. It was surprisingly hard, but I managed and feel a bit better. Look after yourself.

Thinking of everyone, I am sorry I have not namechecked properly. It has been a really long night. We went to a concert last night, and it was great. I was able to get a seat and the music was brilliant. But I woke up at 3am with what I thought were contractions and freaked out completely. It really felt exactly like my last labour. So we rushed into the hospital and after a night of monitoring, turns out it is just a UTI and braxton hicks [bublush] I now feel very sheepish and embarrased but wow it was so sore! I feel like someone has beaten me about the kidneys with a plank. I have some antibiotics though, so hopefully those will help. And an appointment with the mental health team on Thursday.

HAppy chocolate bunny weekend x

rainbox what a scary thing ti happen, but I'm so glad its just a UTi, must be awful having one when pg. I hope the antibiotics kick in as soon as possible.

Rainbox that sounds terrifying, you poor thing. Glad all is ok xxx

Thank you! I really appreciate the sympathy. I have never had a UTI before, I did not realise how painful they were! And Noodles keeps booting me in the bladder, which bloody hurts. But I am also thankful for each little reminder that he is doing fine in there. Taking a couple of pjama days to sulk and feel sorry for myself.

How is everyone doing today?

rainbox you rest up UTI's are horrible. I've had a couple one of them went to my kidneys and I ended up with renal colic! And that pain was worse than labour! I'm glad noodles is behaving himself.

This is one of my first very serious postings on Mumsnet. I honestly don?t know where or how to start. The beginning was ages ago and far too long a story.
I am 36 years old. Until a few years ago, I was superbly happy, entirely satisfied with life and always up for a giggle. I had a huge zest for life. I have always been a worrier though, but it's never been as bad as it now. I am hugely depressed now, I barely leave the house, I can't stop crying, I am disgustingly vile to my partner who I hate to even look at now, I don't seem to remotely care how I look (was always well presented before) and I'm furiously angry with the world.

Last August I gave birth to my perfect little daughter at 41+3. I was so excited to be meeting her after her horribly stressful pregnancy which involved a house move and my partner's ex making our life a living HELL.
My labour (my first) was super fast; 4 hours and 13 minutes from start to finish. We'd had a heartbeat at 00:30. My waters broke clear at 01:40. She died in labour. Unknown to all of us. They tried to revive her for 17 minutes.

The pm suggested a very sub acute death, possibly in the final minutes. Her lungs were smothered in meconium. My poor little angel. She was so beautiful and so perfect. Very small at 5lbs 12 but the stupid hospital picked up on nothing. The hospital were horrific to us. My whole labour experience was terrifying. From being sent home, my begging to stay, they shook their heads, coming home, my waters breaking on my bed, we returned to hospital and the doors wouldn't open to let us in as her head was crowning. We were turned away from rooms by a coordinator who was being screamed at by the midwife ("there's a head!! She's giving birth!!") and I gave birth in a side room somewhere. The hospital have admitted negligence on over 7 counts. We are suing the arse off them. Not that it makes a difference to bringing our little girl back but their behaviour was nothing short of manslaughter as far as I'm concerned.

I have therapy twice a week; a bereavement councilor and a psychiatrist.

Nothing is helping.

I am now 11 weeks pregnant and struggling is an under statement.

My temper is violent and I am livid with everyone. Yesterday I lost it and through uncontrollable sobbing I smashed my little girl's frame with her ceramic hand and foot prints. For the first time ever, I felt hugely angry and disappointed with my late daughter for "doing" this to me. I can't explain. I'm typing too fast......

I'm pregnant and terrified. I'm pregnant and not; well, I barely notice that I'm pregnant. Other than the depressing and never ending treacherous morning sickness, I barely remember that I'm carrying. Until , that is, I think about it being a boy. Then my stomach turns, I go into a state of anxiety and panic, my temper flares and I collapse and sob. Sob uncontrollably.

This morning I have just returned from seeing my sweet GP where we discussed a termination. I am very aware that I'm suffering from acute A.N.D. but we are steering clear of the SSRI's until i am past my nuchal. Then I'll go straight onto 10-20mg of Sertraline or Citalopram to carry me as sanely as possible through the remaining long and terrifying months. In the meantime, I am seeing a top psychiatrist at St Thomas's, London who is a ray of light shining down on me during the 90mins that I'm with him. Then I leave his therapy room and everything comes crashing down around me. I return home and I fall into a terrible low that inevitably results in my being vitriolic towards my partner, the father of this unborn child.

We have talked about splitting up and it seems like it's very much on the cards. I would be keen to leave London and move down to Hove, East Sussex. I just think this is very unfair on my partner who is kid crazy and is desperate to bring a child up and he defines that as being under the same roof as this child. To be fair to him, I got us into this mess. I was the one desperate to be pregnant after losing our gorgeous little girl; I was the one begging him to ttc after the Xmas holidays; I was the one who told him begged him and pleaded with him, my parents and my best friends that being pregnant was the ONLY, ONLY, ONLY thing that was going to help me get better and to feel sane again.

Wrong.

How very wrong I was. How very foolish I am.

I am now 1000 times worse than I was. I have frequent suicidal thoughts; I am disgusting myself by sort of sickly wondering if the nuchal next week will go wrong and I'll have to terminate which will get me out of this pregnancy.

Do I want to terminate? Not 100%.
Do I want to continue? Not if it means like this.

It's like I'm almost willing this baby to die now before it dies later at full term. I am so unattached to whatever's inside me at the moment. I have no love there. At my 10 week scan last week, they asked me if I wanted the pictures and I said "no thanks." What was I playing at??? (Though I felt a little bit of fascination at seeing what was inside me.)

I am dreading having to tell people that I'm pregnant. I don't want to hear "congratulations" or "oh we're all so happy for you." Those sorts of comments make me want to punch these people!!!!! (I think I may need to go on an anger management course!). There is no congratulations; I shouldn't even have to BE pregnant. I should be here with my little girl, nearly 8 months old, gurgling away, throwing sweet potato mash all over the kitchen floor as she starts to take food, starting to giggle together, watching her figuring out what's what in the world and being smothered in so much love by her wonderful family.....not go to her grave daily to light her candles and read her "Guess How Much I Love You" at the foot of her grave as I sob my heartache away.

So now what? How on earth can I get my head around this pregnancy? How will I feel the love? How can I start to care? And what on earth will I do if the FMC tell me it's a boy next week...........................? I won't be able to cope. I'm very, very frightened.

To all of the angel Mummies reading this, my heart breaks for your loss. The pain of losing one's child is worse than any that I couldn't have possibly imagined.

Thank you for reading and understanding.

x

Hi Duckling I am so sorry that you have found your way to this thread (but relieved you felt able to share). Your birth experience sounds terrible and I'm not surprised that you feel so angry at the hospital. I really do feel for you, it sounds like you are on an emotional rollercoaster and finding things very hard. Life is so tough when your baby isnt here with you.

I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice from experience, but can only suggest that you take your time regarding a split from your partner and/or a termination. As I said, I don't have any experience but assume that although you feel very confused about your pregnancy now a termination would bring a whole other load of emotions to the table which could also be very hard to deal with. Is it an option to see your psychiatrist more frequently? Could you perhaps book in to talk to your GP once or twice a week? Can you have a session with your partner as well? Sorry if these are basic/silly suggestions, I'm just trying to think of anything I can that might make things slightly less difficult for you and so you can get to a position where you are confident that any decisions you make are the right ones for you, the little baby growing inside of you and your partner.

Take your time, give yourself permission to feel how you feel and I hope you manage to find some peace. Thinking of you xxx

Hi duckling, I am so, so sorry to hear about your little girl. We would be glad for you to tell us about her, if you would like to. I understand you feel rage, anger, pain, sadness, confusion. I wish I knew what to say that would help. Sadly there are loads of us here, and we all grieve and feel different ways. None of these are WRONG, but I understand this must make you feel helpless and stuck. If seeing your psychiatrist helps, do you think you could have more talking therapy like Littlestar says? Would involving your partner help?

My experience is so different I am not sure I can offer any practical help. My son was born extremely premature last April, and was just too little to survive. I am now 21 weeks pregnant with a brother for him and I know, it is so hard. The only thing I could say is I know exactly what you mean. I begged that if anything was to go wrong, please let it be an early misscarriage. I know MC is devastating but I thought I could cope with that better than a later loss. Bonding was so difficult, even though this baby is like yours very much wanted. It has gotten easier in some ways since I have started feeling movements. But still very frightening.

Your post is so raw, I just want to be able to do something to help you heal and make sense of what you are going through. We are always here to listen. Thinking about you today. Take care.

duckling I just want to give you a very unmumsnetty hug, you are really feeling every emotion. But firstly I want to say that what you are feeling is totally normal. Not everyone comes through this journey how they went into it. Your baby died in terrible circumstances its bound to put a strain on you and your realtionship. Please do not blame yourslef.
Have you told your partner about all your feelings?

I'm sorry this reply is so short I'm off out for an hour or so, but will be back to talk to you some more. Just know that you are not alone.

Not read back so sorry to not namecheck, just want to say that I'm thinking of you today Fan, I hope your appt goes ok xxx

Well I'm back from booking in, it went well. She couldn't find a Sands sicker for my notes tho, does anyone on here have a spare?
She was nice and called Fi by her name which was lovely of her. So I'm happy with her, just have to wait the two weeks for my 12 scan.

duckling I was thinking of you the whole time I was there, hoping that there's someone in RL to speak to and show you some support. I really hope that when you get the antidepressants that they help you out. Some ladies on here are taking them before and during pg so your not alone.
You talked about the gender of the baby, its a tough topic I think, many on this thread have had the same gender as their angel baby, but a few have not. Some have found out the gender to prepare themselves. In my situation I feel I don't want to know, in our circumstances if we found out early it was a girl we would be scared that it would happen again, due to DH's sisters both being stillborn and then our daughter. Each one of us has their reasons and not one of them is totally right for others. Unfortunatly this is a journey we often have to suffer alone, others like on here have been through the same but also a different experience, that's why I said above what you are feeling is totally normal, because really there is no normal for what we have all been through.
It really must feel though that everyone and everything has let you down, and we all totally understand that.
Would you like to tell us about your daughter?
My daughter was called Ophelia (Fi) she was 36 weeks perfect golden haired baby who died from a knot in her cord. I'm 10 weeks pg with her sibling, I'm scared everyday. I have had on and off spotting so I'm scared I'm going to have a third miscarriage but also I'm scared I won't feel anything for this baby when its born. I'm not looking for a replacement baby, but I'm scred that all I know is death.
Please be gentle with yourself and your partner. Can I ask how does he deal with his grief?

Hi Fan I'm so glad the mw was nice and she spoke about Fi with you, it is so important to have her acknowledged.

Duckling I've been thinking of you all afternoon, please know that you are not alone and we are all here for you. Like Fan says, there is no "normal" and we can't help how we feel.

If you would like to tell us more about your daughter we would love to hear about her. My son was stillborn in September last year, he was my first baby and I miss him desperately. I feel lost and lonely and useless without him. I have only been on this forum for a couple of weeks but already the ladies here have shown me such kindness and support and hope.

I hope that being able to post on here will help you in whatever small way it can.

Jules thinking of you, how are you feeling?

Rainbox hope the antibiotics are kicking in.

Elly have been thinking of you lots too, hope you are ok.

Blizy Green Cheese and of course Kleine waves to all of you x

Oh that's really good fan. My MW didn't have any Sands stickers either, but they stuck one on my hospital notes when I had my dating scan. 2 weeks til your scan - I hope they pass quickly for you xx

Duckling, a very sad welcome to you, I'm very sorry that you've had to find us here, but the ladies are so so supportive, it feels like a really safe place to be able to come to vent - we all understand the mix of emotions that sometimes other people in RL just dont/can't understand. As Fan said, what you are feeling is totally normal, everyone has different ways of dealing with all this crap. My dd Nancy died aged 2 days 15 months ago - she had been starved of oxygen (blood clots in placenta) and had IUGR, prob because of the oxygen deprivation. I am now 35 weeks pg with dc2 and absolutely totally terrified - they are delivering the baby next wed (8 days - eek!) and I just can't believe that I will get to bring this baby home with me. Pg brings so many hormones which can be v difficult at the best of times nevermind when your grieving, try to be gentle on yourself.
Is there any way you can see anyone with your DP? Therapy/counselling may be able to help? men & women deal with grief in v different ways and it can be very hard on your relationship trying to deal with the death of your child.

Blizy, I'm so sorry the bitch turned up, I so wish there was something I could do, you are so supportive of us all xxx

I've only got 8 more sleeps to go, am desperate for this last week to go quickly.

Thinking of you all xxx

I meant to say Duckling also, I have been taking citalopram since before I got pg and I've found them really helpful - I tried to come off them when I found out I was pg but I found it too hard. There are some very small risks in early pg but by your stage those will have pretty much dissipated - from your post, it may be worth discussing with your GP. ADs were a last resort for me but I was really struggling and they have helped we cope with everyday life a bit better.

Duckling, another welcome from me. I'm so sorry your little girl isn't still with you, and that you had such a nightmare with the medical staff who should have been supporting you. I second what the others have said, any feeling is 'normal' in this very un-normal situation we are all in, there is nothing 'wrong' with what you feel, but it does sound like you are having a very hard time. I hope you can find a way through that is right for you, with the help you need.
My daughter Merryn died when she was six days old almost a year ago, after an operation went wrong, and she couldn't get strong enough to try again. I am lucky enough to have two boys aged 10 and 5, and I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with their little brother. I am struggling to accept that this time is a boy, and thats all tangled up in my grief for Merryn and my hopes of mothering a girl. I guess, already having two boys, I have the benifit of knowing once my child is placed in my arms, probably looking very like his brothers and his sister, that I will be ok, but this is still painful. I think if it had been a girl, I would have had to face the fact that it still wasn't Merryn, which is the biggest grief. Having another child was never the 'easier' path, but I felt driven to try, and I know I won't be this scared forever.

Fan.. Glad your MW was lovely! I got the sands sticker (only last week) from the hospital MW, but I had to ask. I've so many 'special' stickers on the front of my file now it looks like an album, I must strike fear into their hearts!

ELLY, eight more sleeps, so so soon, you are almost there! I hope the week passes quickly for you, and as calmly as is possible. Xxx

As for me, I seem to be loosing the plot a bit as Merryns birthday nears. I am back to the stage where I have vivid recall of the noises, sights and smells of NICU and PICU at GOSH, I'm having nightmares again, and I feel a bit panicked. I thought I had got through the panicky stage, but now it's all back and I just want it to go again. Have any of you had this kind of thing around Birthdays? I had tried so hard to just hang onto the very very little bits that I could cope with as memories, and let the rest recede. I can hear all the monitors, and the conversations with consultants and feel the blind panic and fear all over again.
Merryns birthday is on the 12th, and I just wish it wasn't for ages. It feels wrong that a year has passed, I just want to stop time until I can cope with that idea. I remember the boys being one, such a joy and excitement and pride. I don't know how to feel or behave or cope with Merryns birthday, she's not 1, she's not here, and I cant celebrate any of that, but I have to make sense of it for the boys, somehow.

I should say, that while writing that post my little boy gave me my first proper kicks! He must have known I needed a bit of a lift!

Thinking of everyone, especially ANGEL, I hope you are OK, and just having a break from us, but I miss you! X

Dear Angel Mummies who have so generously replied to my posting,

Thank you for all words written. I spent the afternoon with some very good friends who I should have gone to see many weeks ago because they made me feel warmer. I returned home to actually eat something (miracle), a bowl of home made pasta with home made sauce and vegetables. Some goodness.

I have sat down to read the many replies, slowly, thoughtfully and repeatedly. You have all written such generous and personal replies that they deserved to be re-read.

Thank you.

Please can I sleep on your advice and I will reply tomorrow, with a dutiful and worthy response?

I'm sad that we have had to "meet" here but I am so very grateful to have found an appropriate thread that I think might just keep me on a safe path.

With love,
Duckling xx

Hi,

Green you poor thing, the mind can do such awful things. I don't have anniversary/birthday experience yet, but my mind does occasionally (more so at the beginning) go back to the hospital and it feels so real and scary and just hideous. Do you have anything that you usually do to calm you down? I find I am worse when I have time too much time to think so try and keep busy (but doing easy non tiring things). Nightmares are tough too, it is exhausting enough in the day dealing with the grief, but to get no respite at night makes things that much harder. Do you manage to fall asleep ok? If not then I found a warm bath and a milky drink (and herbal sleeping pills but not sure you can have those when pg) helped me get off. Unfortunately I haven't found a good trick for keeping me asleep or getting me back off post nightmare. Thinking of you and Merryn lots at this time. YAY to kicks though, I hope they brought a smile to your face.

Elly only 7 sleeps now. I hope this week passes quickly and easily for you.

Duckling how are you today?

Rainbox hope the UTI is clearing now.

I wondered if I could ask advice from those of you who have gone back to work. I am really struggling. I went back part time in Jan (4 mths off) and am now full time. The background is that I really didn't like my job before i was pg, nothing major, just felt like I didn't really "belong" and the work was slightly stressful/dull in equal measures. Unsurprisingly the work hasn't changed but a job that I found difficult before is now almost unbearable. I have been lucky that they have been supportive but i feel like my goodwill is wearing thing now. I am working from home this week (having decided that I couldn't face going in) and that is a little more bearable. The commute into work is unpleasant at the best of times so taking that out of the picture helps. I also feel so lonely at work, I feel like F is the elephant in the room that we can't talk about (I'm not sure i want to talk about him at work, but I don't want to feel like I CAN'T-does that make sense?). Bizarrely I feel less alone when I am at home on my own, I feel very lonely when I'm with people who don't get it/I can't talk to. My colleagues are nice enough, but just colleagues, there is nobody i am particularly friendly with (2 very good friends and colleagues left just days before F was born). I just don't know what to do. I'm considering asking to work from home every day for the next 4 -6 weeks or so while I build up my work load and confidence (have lost all confidence in my ability to do anything at all). I think my other options are reducing my hours (we could probably afford for me to do 3 days for a couple of months) or just getting signed off sick. I feel like I cope ok (ish) when not at work but the whole work thing just tips me over the edge. I don't know if how I feel is normal, or if I'm being melodramatic or what the best thing to do is, should I just try and go in 5 days a week and recognise that it will be awful for a while but then hopefully get easier? If I'm honest I thought things would be easier for me work wise by now, but they are not.

Apologies for the long post, but if anyone has any experience or advice they could pass on I would be really grateful, thank you.

xx