Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hi Fan... Yes, just appears to be a crazy side affect.... I kept having them most of the night, but was too tired to stay awake any more. My gran would say it was my own fault for eating cheese before bed! Any cures, let me know...
Have you contacted the MWs yet?

Apologies to all for worse than usual spelling etc last night, was v tired!

green I don't have a cure, my imagination is on over drive during pg, I just have to go with it. I havnt contacted the MW's yet I think I will be put on the list on friday. The nausea has hit today! Tictacs at the ready, hope they help.

Reasurrance needed please ladies. I've just walked around the local supermarket looking for dinner and I'm having some stabby shooting pain in my womb area. Now I'm sure its just ligament pain but I am worried. If it continues I may ring the docs or at the very least go to an epu tomorrow. Please tell me its normal!

FAN...I had this, and panicked, but doc said it was normal, unless on the side in one place, as could signal ectopic. (I had it with Merryn too, can't remember as far back as the two boys....). I got an early scan out of it. I think it was just things stretching..... I really hope all is fine, and I'm sure it is, but get checked, if nothing else then to put your mind at rest. Are you six weeks yet? Here to hold your hand love, it's all just blooming scary. X

Thank you green it is in the smae place the stabby pain. But its only when I walk about. I might go to GP in the morning and see what they say. It is very blooming scary.

Here to hold your hand fan. I think it is normal, I have been having sort of stabby pains all the way through and the doctors/MW have never been too concerned, but I think you going to the Dr is a great idea if you think it will put your mind at ease.

Sorry I haven't been about much, work is really busy and I am feeling very anxious. Have been refered to the prenatal mental health unit to "discuss my birth phobia". I don't think I really have a birth phobia, I have a things going wrong during birth phobia. I think I would like to push for a c-section but I am worried about setting my heart on one and being refused, then getting upset.

Thinking about all of us, in good times and bad x x

Fan, how are you doing?

Rainbox, sorry you are feeling so anxious, I hope the counselling helps. X

blizy I'm ok, no more pain, but I took the day off work. I think I just got way too worked up last night. If I feel anymore then its straight to the GP's.

RAINBOX.. Sorry youre having a tough time. I think it's just completely normal that you worry about what could go wrong, how could you not? I think if you really want a elcs then you should push for it, under nice guidelines they would be pretty out of line to refuse you, and you could always ask for a different consultant. They should let you have as much control over how you give birth as possible, and I know people have been granted CSs for far far less. You are doing amazing well, and the time is passing, with your baby getting bigger and stronger.

FAN... Well done for taking the day off. This is more important, and if it helps you to take some time, then you should. Do go to the doc if you are worried, even if just for a chat. You should try and plan something to look forward to, just to stop going crazy, even if it's just nice food or something. It's really 'good' you are feeling sick!

I'm spending today making world book day costumes, J(10) is going as Lorek Byrnison, the armoured polar bear from Phillip Pullmans 'Northern Lights' books. Bit tricky. Only to be trumped by K(5) who is going as 'The Hedgehog with the Wooden Spoon'.
After much frustrated grilling by me as to which book this was he said "well Mummy, I just haven't written it yet....". Hmmmm. Hedgehogs are tricky...

green thank you, I'm fine most of the time but every now and then this one thing about this pregnancy takes hold and me and DH both freak out. Its going to be a long nine months. Your boys costumes sound great, well done to J for picking Iorek! And K sounds like he has an amazing imagination!

rainbox I agree with every thing green has said.

Hi all, hope you all ok. Been hectic few days. Had a hen party on Sat which was really fun. Found out a couple who were expecting had kept it quiet from me n dh cos they didn't know what to say. Didn't stop them putting it out on twitter tho, so that was how me n dh found out. I can't believe that.

Rainbox, I agree you don't have a birth phobia. I definitely have a things going wrong phobia. The consultant told me I could have a cs if we get pregnant again. My little one was starved of oxygen during the birth due to the cord being round her neck. There's no way I could go through giving birth thinking that that could happen again. It's great they are offering you support to deal with this but you are definitely not unusual to feel this way.

green I lolled hearing your children's costume ideas! Hope they (or you) win a prize!

fan hope you are feeling ok. Green is right, you must put yourself first and take it easy. (easier said than done I know).

It was 6 months on Monday since my little one was born and 6 months tomorrow she died. Can't believe the time has gone so quickly. My work colleagues had a collection when she died and collected £70. Me n dh not sure what to do with it. Thinking of buying some books for the school in her memory. What do you guys think? Do you have any ideas?

Evening ladies
So much to catch up on with everyone I am always thinking of u all so here it goes in no particular order lol:

Green: thinking of u. Hope your managing ok.....has your mum arrived now? The days seem to be flying is it less than 2 wks now until your next scan? Hope you have nice dreams tonight......I've had lots of strange dreams too its awful when u have broken sleep x Your costumes for book day sound unbelievable I'm really impressed :) my son has absolutely no interest in choosing a character and is wearing his football kit!!! J is gonna be Dorothy complete with a cute basket and little dog too.......not a real one obviously :) xxxxxxxxxx

Poglol: I hope tomorrow is gentle on u. I found 6 months a particularly tough day. Grrrrrrr to the Twitter announcement people are just so bloody insensitive arnt they!!! All of a sudden it's like people think you have a virus and its catching.......remember, they have no idea..................I'd rather think that than resent their ignorance!! We had a few kind donations which we gave to the Alder Centre where we go for counselling because they were such a great support to us when we were in the depths of despair. The books sound like a lovely idea! Xxxxxxxx

Fan: I'm relieved your pains have gone, Your doing incredibly well. Hope you sleep well tonight and have NICE dreams xxxxx

More to follow..........

Sorry POGLOL I just read again and realise 6 months was on Monday, sorry! Xxxx

Rainbox: Sorry your feeling anxious......it's understandable and not a phobia. If you really want a c-section kick up merry hell until you get one thats what I would do in your position. I can now look back at my last pregnancy and realise I let them dictate terms ( prior to 'A' dying ) and that definitely won't ever happen again. I was scheduled for a planned section and they back peddled and said I would have to deliver to which I point blank refused due to previous massive blood loss when I had 'J'. I later found out it was the right decision because I did the same again but they got it under control during the OP. I'm certainly not a wimp I delivered 'J' myself but was really sick afterwards and in hospital on the ward for a week. I think you should push for your rights and do whatever you need to do to get through the pregnancy and bring Team P home safely xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: Sorry you didn't get any answers, it's so tough and there's so many 'what ifs' with all of us. I always think exactly what you've said 'if I had just got to the hospital earlier' etc etc Dont blame yourself.........all you ever wanted was to bring your beautiful baby girl home and I wish you did x I'm glad the consultant was nice and hope the meeting helped......if only a tiny bit. Xxxxxxx

Kliene: hope you had a lovely birthday weekend on the coast. How long before you start treatment? I'm here to hold you hand my lovely friend xxxxxxx

Mia's: thank you for thinking of me. Mil still in hossy with no signs of getting out. Grandad home after an OP to remove a tumour on his bladder. He's very frail TBH but at least he's back in his own home with my nan for now which is what he desperately wanted. He will find out in a few weeks if its cancer and if its spread. On a happier note Finns massage class stories made me smile he is such a little character I can't wait to hear about next week. Blowing kisses to Mia too. Night Night xxxxxxx

Whatever: how's the girls? Hope you coping with being back in work xxxxxx

Elly: chuffed you have a date for delivery. Not long now, stay strong your almost there xxxxxx

Blue: how are you? I often thing of your gorgeous girls xxxxx

Blizy: hope your keeping your chin up. Thinking of you xxxxxx

Angel: You too.....I hope your family are being supportive. I know you must be feeling it with your brothers baby on the way too. Big hugs......always here if you feel like a moan xxxxxx

Little: how are you getting on with the baking? Hope the days are being kind xxxxx

Apologies if I missed alone out I'm knackered now and off to bed.

If I get side tracked as the week goes on I just wanted to say I will be thinking of all you lovely mums on Sunday. I'm incredibly lucky to have 2 living children and I wish my lovely angel baby boy was here so I could give him a Mothers Day cuddle. I've had lots of signs lately, lights flickering etc I'm sure he's around though!!!!

Night night xxxxxxx

Poglol I am thinking of you during this very tough week. 6 months sounds a lifetime and no time at all. It is all so confusing. I know that it is far too long to be without your precious little one. I think the books idea is just lovely. We are doing some fundraising through family and friends for Sands, but I definitely think the books will be a wonderful legacy.

Fan I hope that the pains have disappeared and you have had a nice relaxing day. I can only imagine how incredibly tough it must be, but I thinking of you and pray for you each night.

I hope your costumes went well Green - sound epic! I hope also that your nasty dreams leave you alone soon, must leave you feeling so exhausted.

Rainbox I completely agree with everyone. My understanding is that it is everyone's 'right' to have a c-sec and people often have them when there is no reason at all. You have a bloody good reason why you should have one. I think that if your first consultant refuses, he must pass you on to another for a second opinion. My consultant has said that he hasnt ruled anything out for next time (when it happens) but that he would prefer a natural labour - but he's not ruled it out and so I definitely think you should have the discussion as I'm not sure that they are allowed to rule it out completely. It is so unfair that our pregnancies have to be like this now, if only we could still have the innocence of before....

Babyh Glad to hear your grandad is home, although I know it is still full of worry. Also, I hope that they are taking care of your MIL in hospital. Thinking of you xxx

Hope you had a nice break Kleine

I think I may have had a bit of a delayed reaction to the PM results. After the meeting and the last few days I have been quite reasonable, taking the results in my stride and telling myself it was the 'best outcome', but tonight I have felt awful and have had to get out of bed so as not to wake DH. The grief hit me like a train but I have managed to calm down a bit.

I think I am also getting worked up about going away at the weekend. We are very lucky to be going to Dubai for a week, as it is my 30th birthday next week and I definitely wanted to be away from the pressure to celebrate. I am very grateful that we are going (and do not want to seem spoilt) as the sun and change of scenery will do us good. But it all just seems very strange. I am usually so excited about holidays but I just didn't think we would be going away again without our baby. My DH as said there is no pressure for me to get there and 'suddenly have the time of my life', he still expects we will be sad, just in a warmer climate so I guess the pressure is off. I am so sorry as I know how this must sound - I am very grateful to be getting away, but everything in life now seems so strange and different since we had Isla. I keep imagining how much of her stuff we would pack if she was coming with us. I know its not helpful but sometimes I cant help myself.

Thank you for listening to my non-problems! I hope you are all having a better night. Wave to everyone who I've not mentioned, but thinking of you all

xxxxxxxxxxx

Poglol I am thinking of you during this very tough week. 6 months sounds a lifetime and no time at all. It is all so confusing. I know that it is far too long to be without your precious little one. I think the books idea is just lovely. We are doing some fundraising through family and friends for Sands, but I definitely think the books will be a wonderful legacy.

Fan I hope that the pains have disappeared and you have had a nice relaxing day. I can only imagine how incredibly tough it must be, but I thinking of you and pray for you each night.

I hope your costumes went well Green - sound epic! I hope also that your nasty dreams leave you alone soon, must leave you feeling so exhausted.

Rainbox I completely agree with everyone. My understanding is that it is everyone's 'right' to have a c-sec and people often have them when there is no reason at all. You have a bloody good reason why you should have one. I think that if your first consultant refuses, he must pass you on to another for a second opinion. My consultant has said that he hasnt ruled anything out for next time (when it happens) but that he would prefer a natural labour - but he's not ruled it out and so I definitely think you should have the discussion as I'm not sure that they are allowed to rule it out completely. It is so unfair that our pregnancies have to be like this now, if only we could still have the innocence of before....

Babyh Glad to hear your grandad is home, although I know it is still full of worry. Also, I hope that they are taking care of your MIL in hospital. Thinking of you xxx

Hope you had a nice break Kleine

I think I may have had a bit of a delayed reaction to the PM results. After the meeting and the last few days I have been quite reasonable, taking the results in my stride and telling myself it was the 'best outcome', but tonight I have felt awful and have had to get out of bed so as not to wake DH. The grief hit me like a train but I have managed to calm down a bit.

I think I am also getting worked up about going away at the weekend. We are very lucky to be going to Dubai for a week, as it is my 30th birthday next week and I definitely wanted to be away from the pressure to celebrate. I am very grateful that we are going (and do not want to seem spoilt) as the sun and change of scenery will do us good. But it all just seems very strange. I am usually so excited about holidays but I just didn't think we would be going away again without our baby. My DH has said there is no pressure for me to get there and 'suddenly have the time of my life', he still expects we will be sad, just in a warmer climate so I guess the pressure is off. I am so sorry as I know how this must sound - I am very grateful to be getting away, but everything in life now seems so strange and different since we had Isla. I keep imagining how much of her stuff we would pack if she was coming with us. I know its not helpful but sometimes I cant help myself.

Thank you for listening to my non-problems! I hope you are all having a better night. Wave to everyone who I've not mentioned, but thinking of you all

xxxxxxxxxxx

Oops, not sure why this posted twice, sorry! Must be operating machinery while drowsy. Will stop now! Night x

Wanted to send love to all. I am feeling exhausted at the moment (think it's my body's way of preparing for stress - all I want to do is sleep. I went to bed at 10 last night and woke at 7, and I am still shattered...), so please forgive the lack of name-checking, but I HAVE read everything and am really thinking of everyone who's having a particularly hard time at the moment.
We had a fairly awful weekend away (!) but were glad we went anyway, and are now on the fertility treatment rollercoaster. They've brought things forward a bit, so I've been in and out of the clinic already, and first scan is next week before starting the down-regs. On Tues in the waiting room, I sat next to not one but two couples, all grinning away and whispering excitedly at each other, clutching their six-week scan photos - which was really lovely actually!

Hello All

Kliene: Sorry your weekend was awful.......god everything is so hard at times. Forgive my ignorance regarding down-regs? I will google in a mo and bring myself up to speed. Stay strong, I will pray you will be holding a scan photo soon just like those other couples in the waiting room xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: Ah.....I thought you would be feeling it. I was desperate to meet with the consultant and then when the meeting was over I felt so sad and empty. It feels like such a waste to have nothing after carrying the baby for so long so for me it was something to focus on. Remember, one day at a time I know and understand how incredibly hard it is to be on this journey. Xxxxxxxxx

Hope everyone else is ok today especially FAN xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: I hope my message made sense.....I meant I understand how bad you must be feeling......try and stay strong its still very early days in the grieving process and so raw for you at the moment xxxxxxxx

How is everybody today? Thinking of you all...

Hi babyh my lovely. How are YOU doing? Do let us know. Nearly eight months for you, I know... Nine months for us tomorrow, then Mother's Day straight after - lovely ! I'm feeling ok-ish about it - although it's stressful staring down the barrel of the IVF gun, it's also really helping me to know we're doing something... whether or not it works, we're trying, and that's helpful.
Oh and to answer your question, down-regs (down-regulating) are the first part of a long-protocol IVF cycle, when you take drugs to stop your natural cycle. Once everything is set to 'zero', you can start the stimulating part of the cycle when you want your ovaries to start producing lots of follicles. That'll be the bit when I'm posting on here every five minutes in floods of tears because of all the extra hormones in my system...

Thank you Babyh. I sometimes have to remind myself that it is still early days. It seems so long and at the same time no time at all, since I held my little girl. It is so comforting to know that you lovely ladies understand. I hope you are ok too. Xx

Kleine - will be thinking of you throughout your IVF journey. Here whenever you need to rant or cry etc. I will pray for you. xxxxx

Morning ladies

I'm not sleeping very well at the moment......hence the early post!!

I've got a busy day ahead. Got to be at the stone masons for 10am to choose some stones for the babies grave. It's coming on Monday (yay.......at last) so once the stonemason has checked everything is ok we could get the green light for it to be installed. She has confirmed it will be before 26th March if everything is in order.

Kliene: thinking of your beautiful 'E' today. I wish she was here. I don't know whether your visiting the cemetery today but spring is in the air and the daffs and crocuses are coming out which make it so nicer. I wish of course that SHE WAS HERE and you were busy doing all the things a mother should. I'm on a learning curve with your IVF journey.....if you don't mind me asking how long does it take? Here with you every step of the way to hold your hand and listen to your 'Extra Hormones' xxxxxxxxxx

Snowdrop: I remember wishing I could fast forward my life 6 months so the pain wouldn't be as bad. I longed for the day I wouldn't wake up each day and relive the events of that awful day. The doctors face the day we went to the hospital will be engraved in my mind forever. He didn't have to say it.........
It does get easier though and during those early dark days I never thought it would. Time definitely helps. Another mistake I made was cutting myself off from my 2 best friends. I just felt like they didn't understand how much I was suffering and I resented that and just hid myself away. I would make constant excuses not to do anything.......life was marching on but my world had fell apart the day my baby boy died. It was only when one of them came round and started to cry I realised how much they were missing me and things are a lot better.

Time is a great healer, I hope my little stories are helping, if not.....feel free to tell me to shut up!!!!

Ok gonna hit the shops for bread and milk while everyone in the Babyh household is still asleep.

Thinking of all the growing rainbows. Also thinking of the mums who are holding their rainbow babies at last xxxxxx

Angel, Little and Blizy big hugs to you xxxx

Hope the day is kind.

Thinking of us all and apologies to anyone I've missed xxxxxx