Elderberry Pavlovas Unite - the over 30s TTC number 1 (thread 3)

[Bunnygirlie]

Hey ladies, we're over here!

bunnygirlie, 32, TTC since June, AF coming around New Year!
Twinklestar 2, TTC1, cycle 16, BFP was due 19/12
BraveLilBear,TTC
Lolcbcb,TTC
Aquarius,TTC
Happylass 34 cycle 4 BFP due Jan 1st
Navis176, 35, TTC #1, cycle 3 (this time around), bfp due around 19 Jan (I think?)
Neshie, 31, TTC #1, on cycle 9, after stopping the pill 18 months ago (took 10 months for AF to return!) BPF due 12th January Fx
MotherOfCleo TTC#1, cycle 3, 5dpo, BFP due New Years Day.
Viviennewestwould, 41, childless hag, TTC one year (mmc in March), on Clomid, ovulating today!
Pipbin 37 cycle 16 BFP due 26/12

Zombies, 32, almost 3 wks pg (by my calculation)- per standard
measurement from LMP, 6 weeks pg, PCOS.
MeanMrsMustard 31, 5 weeks pregnant.
Quod,33, PG
Purplemonster, PG
Janey 38, 12 week scan on Christmas Eve
HazleNutt, due June 21st
Rach, 34, 13+4 pg, due 26th June

Apologies if I've missed you or got something wrong

Ow Aquarius that sounds hideous! Mine was pretty excruciating last night when the worst of the clots were in the process of being passed, but tbh yours sounds even more painful and intense . Loads of sympathy to you. I find it so mystifying how much menstrual pain varies from person to person, I am normally very lucky and last night found myself thinking 'oh my god some people have a version of this every month!' and not knowing how they cope . I think it's definitely worth getting it checked out - you shouldn't be having to deal with that. I don't have any knowledge about endo either I'm afraid.

I do wonder if bad pain is something to do with AF starting suddenly/full on rather than easing in, as mine does, which I imagine gives your cervix longer to get used to the idea?!? I'm wittering now sorry.

Hugs quod x

Purple I'm sure a quick Google of 'private untrasound devon' would come up with loads of places
My DH is just being obstructive because he doesn't want to find out the sex at all whereas I am insisting on it. He is going on a week's snowboarding holiday on the 19th so I keep winding him up that I'll find out while he's gone and he will arrive home to a house full of gender-specific baby gear.

Aquarius that sounds absolutely horrendous! You really must go and get that checked out or you will just live in fear of it happening again.

Aquarius, I don't think I'm as bad as you, but I have painful periods and have done for as long as I can remember. It only lasts about 36 hours but during that time I have to dose up on ibuprofen or feminax, and flout the 'every 4 hours' rule too! If I miss a dose, I will end up being physically sick and pretty much unable to do anything except writhe around on the floor. It's pretty pathetic and has embarrassingly happened at work once or twice. Sorry, Quod, but am also going to have to spoil your theory - my AF eases in!

thanks so much ladies you're all dears. boodle yours sounds worse than mine - at least mine went after a few hours. I can't take too much ibuprofen as it messes up my stomach. so awful having it at work poor you.
do you remember when they used to put codeine in feminax? those were the days...sigh
quod i'm so sorry you're having to go through that and hope the worst of it is over soon if not already.
i think your theory could have something in it - perhaps if I hadn't got up and wandered around and just tried to sleep through it might have 'eased in'?? or might not. who knows. am definitely going to the doc and won't leave without at least a blood test or something.

ps viv really hope you and your oh are working things out

I know my complaints are really trivial compared to some others here, but can I just whine a bit anyway? If I have barely put on any weight, where is all the extra blubber coming from? Am I just full of air or something? Just bought a few tops, a size bigger so I could wear them when I'm oh, 7 months or so. Well, they fit right now. I look like a barrel.

Can I also whine that several of you will have your 20 week scans before me? I'll be on holidays in February during the time I was supposed to have the scan, so will have it only on 19th. Quite concerned that I'll be so far along then (22 weeks), what if there's something seriously wrong?

hazle I'm with you. Put on 3lbs in first trimester - all of that within a couple of weeks of finding out I was pg and stuffing my face with carbs . After holiday and Christmas weighed the same - but was HUGE. Although weighed myself this morning and appear to have put another 4lbs on in two days? Argh. Still huge, but just look fat, not pg.

Can't remember if I've moaned about this too, but have no idea what's going on with my skin. Over the weekend my boobs started peeling. Yes, peeling. Big flakes of skin falling off. And then I had a nosebleed and sneezed and blood went everywhere.

I am clearly very attractive at the moment and DP can't take his hands off me. Well, that's how it is in my mind. In reality, I'm still exhausted, full of cold, and have never felt more unattractive in my life, and think DP may well feel the same

But I really am not moaning. Lots of you really are having a crappy time. Perhaps my peeling boobs and splatted bloody face can cheer you a little....

Hazle why don't you book yourself a scan before your holiday? It might be worth it for the peace of mind.

Another fully paid up member of the barrel club here I am finding the body shape psychology of pregnancy difficult. I have always thought I would love putting the weight on and growing the bump as it's a sign of what is going on inside, but so far I absolutely hate it. I hate catching a glimpse of my side profile, especially without clothes, and I find myself trying to suck my belly in to make it flatter even though it's impossible. My normal clothes still fit but are tight, which is depressing, but maternity clothes are still mostly too big so my wearable wardrobe is now really small and I feel like a whale.
I was sitting behind an 8 months pregnant work colleague yesterday (who was probably a similar size to me before,) and she had so much back fat that it was bulging everywhere and hanging over the back of the chair. I couldn't stop staring at it and was horrified! (obviously I told her how great she was looking )
I too feel bad moaning when many on here would love to swap places. I just need to work out how to get my head around it.

I would also like to ask opinions on another issue if I may?
I have been researching various baby equipment for a while and had pretty much decided to get a particular pram/travel system which will cost nearly £800 (it's a Which? Best Buy, has won loads of parenting awards, etc). Last week my truly lovely PIL announced that they would like really like to buy us our pram. We tried to say there is really no need for that (we will not struggle to afford it ourselves,) but they are insistent they would like to buy it. We didn't tell them we have already decided on one but now I feel like I should maybe choose a cheaper one because it is way too much to ask them to spend. They are reasonably comfortably off but certainly not rich. Even if we get the car seat separately the pram/pushchair is still £600. What should we do? I don't think I can even bring myself to tell them the price when I'm sure they are expecting maybe £300-400!

Rache why don't you talk to them and say that you've actually found exactly what you want but you are aware that is is hugely expensive, you appreciate their offer but couldn't possibly ask them to pay the full amount without feeling guilty. However it is a lovely gesture and you don't want to be rude so perhaps they would consider going halves? Then they get to 'pay' for the pram and you get to not feel guilty?

Just think ladies in a couple of months you will have a gorgeous bump and will be able to feel your little one wiggling around inside you. For the time being be grateful it is winter and break out all the jumpers it's a big adjustment not just physically but mentally too I guess.

Good advice mother I reckon.

Out of interest rache which one were you thinking of?

Yes to looking like a whale and as someone who has always been body conscious, struggling with it. I know I'm supposed to get bigger, I know, but honestly, it's HORRIFYING even though I know I'm being stupid.

Janey, if it's any consolation I had the most stinking snotty cold over the whole of Christmas (still feeling pretty hellish to be honest and have been ill for WEEKS) and pretty much EVERY time I blew my nose, which was obviously a lot, it bled. It got to the point where I thought if I disappeared for a few days and the police looked in our bathroom bin they would have some serious concerns about my welfare. It was seriously gross and one of those things that nobody warns you about pregnancy.

Thanks Mother, it is certainly something we will consider as I can't possibly ask them to spend that much. DH agrees but is not exactly full of ideas considering they are his parents!

Janey we are I am reasonably certain we would like the Uppababy Vista although I haven't actually seen one in person yet. It has great reviews though and I really like the Carlin Green colour.

Rach the sonographer suggested it, guess she didn't have time earlier, I've heard this scan can take quite a bit of time and it's a busy office. At that time I wasn't paying that much attention to the weeks. But I'll have a doc appointment end of January anyway so I'll ask if they can squeeze me in earlier.

As for the pram - if you really want a certain one (I think we've chosen ours as well), I wouldn't agree to get another just because the PIL wants to buy it and you wouldn't want him to spend that much. As Mother suggested, maybe go halves? Or he could get pram and you'd get pushchair part yourself, if it's possible to buy them separately?

Oh and NO to travel systems, lalalalala fingers in ears not listening. OH keeps asking me what kind of pram/cot etc etc etc I want. I don't know! how am I supposed to know! I've never had a baby before, the whole thing is too big and scary and there is too much choice so I'm firmly sticking my head in the sand and forgetting about it before it sends me mad. He made me pick a blind for the 'nursery' the other day and having to do that nearly sent me into a meltdown as it was.

I think the new Bugaboo Cameleon would be the one for us - as we have 2 big dogs to walk as well, the pram should be able to also handle more difficult terrain.

Oh Rach how is puppy doing by the way?

I was looking at the Cameleon in Mothercare (one I have actually seen in person) and liked it quite a lot. I think what has swung it for me on the Vista is that the carrycot is suitable for overnight sleeping so we won't need a moses basket, just a stand (Uppababy's stands are nearly £100 but Kiddicare do a compatible rocking stand for £20).

Our doggy is an absolute angel says his totally unbiased mummy He's nearly 6 months now. I can't believe how fast it has gone! He's very excitable, as all puppies are, but he's generally very good and I think he will be absolutely fine when baby arrives.

Purple you're only delaying the inevitable

Can I please thank you all for your kind concern. I promise I have read all your posts before writing this. I am lucky to have found this thread, I feel, and not because you are all such good listeners. You are all so insightful and, although my current issues are non-ttc ones, I know you don't mind my coming here. I have learned so much this weekend. Michael's relapse has taught me that living out the rest of my life without children is not the worst thing that can happen to me. It is losing Michael to alcoholism. It is losing myself to alcoholism. It is losing my family, my sanity, the love of my life. People are complex and good people do bad things - this is the first thing we learned in rehab.

Michael turned up at my mum's yesterday - I had the shock of my life - two trains, three buses and an on-foot odyssey. He stayed for an hour and I discovered the thought processes and emotions behind relapse. Thankfully, Michael has not been drinking 'for months' - Saturday was the first time. I knew this in my heart because His behaviour and moods have not been erratic and I have never once smelled alcohol on his breath (and we kiss alot). He has thrown himself into his new job recently in a way that has made me so proud of him (he hasn't worked in five years thanks to addiction). You cannot do that if you are drinking.

I eventually asked him to leave my mum's and when he did I was broken. I ached for him. Half an hour later I rang him and he was about to board his first train. I told him to wait, that I was coming...
We are looking to a future together - wiser, stronger (hopefully) and with a little bit more respect for the power of this horrible addiction. I have learned that we are not 'special'; just because we conquered rehab and the last 2.5 years does not mean we are immune to complacency or heartache. Saturday could so easily have been me staggering around our house. I have found myself thanking God that it was Michael and not me. I have thanked God that we have been reminded of the insidiousness of this addiction and that we are fallible. We have been shown the consequences of hiding our thoughts and fostering nostalgia for the 'good old days'.

I told Michael that he needs to think very hard before deciding to give us another go because if he doesn't learn to deal with his stress more effectively he is in danger of another relapse (which, he knows, I will not stick around for). I have told him in no uncertain terms that there could be another four years of my yearning for a baby. I cannot see how - despite my perspectives shifting a little - I am suddenly going to stop yearning. He has to know that and he has to devise ways to deal with the concommitant stress. I told him I want him to unshackle himself from every single habit-forming action: smoking; energy drinks. I have told him I don't expect him to quit smoking immediately but I've asked him to come up with a date in the very near future. He quit energy drinks immediately. I've told him he must still go to his footie matches. He needs the release and football is not a trigger - stress is.

I love him more than I have ever loved any man and will fight for this relationship. I've realised I want him more than I want a baby. Of course we will continue on this ttc journey but I have decided to not take Clomid this month. I want to see the results of my day 21 bloods after not having taken the drug; I think this will be useful knowledge when I begin IUI soon. I've also set up my new CBFM for the first time and wanted to give it a fair chance of deciphering my hormones without Clomid being present.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I'm shit with synopses.

Viv that sounds like very sound thinking to me. Good things come out of bad situations - my MC has also made me realise how very important and special my relationship is to me, which can so easily get lost in babyfog. It sounds like this massive incident has allowed you both to address some big issues that were all a bit intertwined and clear the air. I wish you success. It sounds like there is a lot of love and commitment and strength there in the face of the really challenging circumstances of addiction.

On another note, bucking the trend:

BFN! HURRAH!

(ok there is the faintest, faintest impression of a line on a very sensitive stick, but my levels have clearly fallen in the few days since I last tested and got an instant strong line.)

In other (grisly but weirdly compelling news) I think I passed the last bit of tissue yesterday evening. It was exactly the size the consultant said it would be. I have never been so pleased to see something so grim (I even showed DP - he was weirdly delighted too, I tell you what this MC business opens up whole new vistas in your relationship). Today I feel much much better about everything.

Quod - utterly brilliant news about your womb, ovaries and everything else being in good nick. I hope you are finding peace through all this x

Aquarius - how scary and horrible. I hope it's a one-off anomaly - will you be pursuing the medical profession for some answers?

Rache, set your stall out early when it comes to your spending decisions. You mustn't feel guilty about the price of the pram you want (you have to push the bloody thing and it's your baby's safety at stake). I would be honest with the PILs and tell them your heart is set on a pram which is, unfortunately, expensive thanks to its brilliance and safety. Tell them you'd be chuffed to buggery if they felt they could contribute towards it. I very much doubt the PILs are so naive as to think a pram costs a mere few bob these days.

Viv that sounds a very clear, well thought through path. Nobody is perfect, I know I'm not! It sometimes comes down to not what you can live with but what you can't live without. I really hope everything works out, I think a month of clomid is a good idea. Thinking of you. xx

Quod, my lovely, we crossed posts. It's bitter-sweet, this reconciliation, in that I feel so overwhelmingly right in my decision to move forward with the relationship, yet my emotional bruising hurts so. It has frightened me, Michael's relapse. The 'forgiveness' thing I find very easy. How can you not forgive human frailty? Protracted deception is quite another thing, I think, which made it such a relief when I realised he had not been drinking for months. Michael is finding his situation bitter-sweet, too. He cannot quite believe that I have forgiven him; he feels terribly unworthy still, and he is emotionally battered, too. He is going to have to get his head around the meaning of 'unconditional love', I think. He has never experienced (given or received) true love before he met me. His alcoholism covered two decades and the road to love was never one he had travelled until he got sober. He finds it hard to believe that someone who has led his life and done the things he has done could actually be not only admired and respected, but loved. He will have to figure all of this out if he is to allow his confidence to build.

Viv very glad to hear you have managed to work things out - well, considering the circumstances. I'm sure it must be an incredibly difficult time for you.

Quod good news, so back to dtd or did the doc tell you to wait?

As for the buggy prices, I do believe the GPs might be shocked if they have no other recent grandchildren. Even my DH said "HOW much?!?!?! " when i mentioned the Bugaboo price
I'm sure you can get something totally fine for a fraction of the money, but on the other hand, we're not going all out with special color-coordinated nursery or anything, so might as well spend a bit more on certain other things.

Argh! I keep crossing posts. Thank you, Mother and Hazle. My decision to stay with Michael certainly doesn't feel like a desperate need to not be on my own (goodness knows it would be easier to walk away) or to have a baby. Those 'needs' have, quite suddenly and unexpectedly, taken a back seat. Life will never, ever cease to amaze me. You just never know what is lurking around the corner (and this, happily, applies to terrific things, too)

Ah viv your posts have honestly made me cry. I am so, so happy that you have managed to forgive him and from the other side of a computer screen, it's incredibly clear how much you mean together. I truly hope that this awful time has made you stronger and that together you will go on to conceive a perfect little baby very, very soon.

quod - there's nothing more wonderful than a BFN after the torture that is a mmc at 12 weeks. I'm so glad that it looks like you can finally begin to put it behind you to some small extent. And yes, it does bring out strange things in you; I went through the MMC on my own as my parents were at their house in France, my ex lived abroad and we were on the verge of splitting up, and my brother lived abroad. Plus I didn't want anyone else with me. But I vividly remember discussing with my brother the size of the clots I was passing, and how they measured against my fingers, so he could ask his consultant brother in law for medical advice. I have to say I never thought I'd be having that conversation with my little bro, but the barriers just seemed to disappear. Grisly indeed, but essential - and I'm glad it was exactly as expected so you can now know it is over. I can't begin to imagine how awful this has been for you both over the Christmas period, but hopefully 2013 will bring everything you deserve.

Thank you, Janey, for that lovely, lovely message.