TTC 10+ months, Part 11

[buzzybee123]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

dear lovely ladies, I haven't really got anything useful to add over and above the great advice already given, but this is for all of you who've had a really tough shitty day. m.youtube.com/watch?v=nnivOKYyWLY

Where is everyone today? . Scan in 40 mins. Trying to channel my woo instructions to breathe deeply, keep calm and think positive.

I am so the opposite of Doll.

I'm here nelly. Best of luck today, I know I won't be doll like calm. I'll be a bag of nerves throughout. I'm off work today, woke up with a migraine. The awful sort where you get that disturbed vision. I always find it really frightening. Now I've got the thumping head, don't suppose being on mn is helping. I think this is a hormonal one because af is due. This worries me that I might get loads when stimming. I've also been having palpitations today where my heart feels like it misses a beat and then does an extra one to catch up. I think I must be anxious. How can I stop this? Does anyone get the same?

Gin, massive hugs. It might still be too early. I will be desperately sad for you if it hasn't. This is shit.

Go, doll go. How amazing to have two top embyos. Wishing all three of you well.

Doll - you couldn't make it up, wow at the transfer. But great news that 2 embies are on board.

Gin ? i?m so sorry about the bfn. I hope it ?s just still too early. This is all so unfair and you most certainly are not a failure. I know it must feel hopeless right now but as others have said there is still a way forward even if this doesn?t work out. But it?s not over yet. Massive hug.

Sar ? i?m sorry about your meeting yesterday and it making you cry. I think it?s a wise decision to not let them do anything drastic whilst you are under. You need to have control of the decision making which you can?t have until you know the whole story. If you find out what is going on in there then you can then make a decision later on. It?s so easy to see why this is so horribly stressful for you because they just have no idea what the problem is. They are throwing out all these possible issues ? leaky tubes, bad dna, kinky cervix and then telling you actually they don?t think that?s the problem - it?s enough to blow anyone?s mind. But these are all theories because actually they could do another FET and that could work and after everything it could all be down to the numbers game. There is a huge amount these doctors don?t know. I aksed my consultant last week how and why would my ovarian reserve have fallen 80% in 18 months and her answer was ?i can?t tell you why and no one could. We just don?t know so much?.
I?m not going to lie, this build up to your lap is obviously going to be hugely stressful and worrying but it?s highly likely what you hear when you wake up is not going to be as bad as what you think they are going to say. You have heard all the shocking stuff, you now need to know your options and how it can be fixed. Also, pregnancy is two stages and you are half way there. You make great quality embies , it?s now the implantation stage they need to work on. But I know it?s so easy for me and people to say all this positive stuff when actually you?re living and breathing it. It?s emotional hell and there?s no other way to describe it. massive hug.

Euro - oh ffs. something obviously did happen this month. how bloody annoying and upsetting. Out of interest, will you go back on the steroids if/when you get to ivf stage?

Rabbit ? just what you have been through makes me . And now your flipping tooth. I hope it?s better today.

Art - i don't blame you not wanting to talk about maternity leave. Talk about rubbing it in. pilates will be fine. a bit of gentle exercise is fine. I hope you are ok otherwise.

Nelly ? GOOD LUCK!! Let us know what is happening in there. Oh and absolutely i think i will be the only one left. I think after this amount of time it's only natural to fear the worst. Pregnancy becomes unimaginable. Even though i have had a bfp once , it still feels like it is impossible to happen again. I also look around me and I have come across so many stories of people who have had huge problems, illness, cancer etc and where it all looked bleak yet they still managed to get pregnant in a reasonable amount of time. So my feeling is that something is very wrong with me. I don?t like hearing about amh either ? it makes me feel sick. Fecking bastard of a test. But your AFC count wasn?t that low was it? I thought it was the same as mine.

Buzzy ? it?s quite extraordinary what a turn around you have had. It?s very inspirational. Do you put it solely down to coaching? I don?t know why my mother is anti ivf. I don?t think she actually knows what it is or perhaps if she does perhaps she doesn?t want me to go through it.

Cosmos ? love the youtube clip. Sometimes there are no words and a good link to smething is best.

Weirdly I think my mum is trying to be supportive in a warped way. By telling me there is nothing wrong, she hopes that i will miraculously get pregnant. i feel for her. I am her only chance for having grandchildren. She is the only one of her friends who isn?t a granny and she does love babies and kids. God, i would love to produce her a grandchild then she can stop rocking her dogs like a baby ...which unfortunately i found myself doing the other weekend . I honestly think i prefer dogs to babies and kids though. I have thought about this a lot.

Anyway there has been so much interesting chat on here yesterday and i know i have missed loads but i need to crack on with some work.

Loo post again . Well the fast fill bladder was back . But there is some progress. The 10 is now 12mm and one of the 6-9 on the left is now 10mm. Still have one on each measuring 6-9 as well. e2 was 444 on Monday (from 55 on Friday). Lining 11mm is now ok. She said its slow but there is some more growth. Have 6 more days of drugs in hand now. If E2 has climbed I go back on Friday. If not very high I keep injecting till Monday. So EC won't be till next week, maybe even later in the week. Don't know if the smaller 2 will grow more or not. They want at least 15mm so they have a heck of a way to go.

Joy AFC was: 1 (burst) at 18mm, one on each ovary at 9mm and 3 smaller on each ovary 2-5mm. But they don't count those small ones and therefore class my AFC as very low.

Oh mrsden - I don't get migraines but how unpleasant. My heart does do some weird beating when I panic though. Breath out for 5 secs and then hold breath for 2 and the breath in for 5 to try and control it an get the c02 back in your blood, that can be why you have palpitations. I have to do this on aeroplanes!

Yay for growth nelly, that sounds so much more positive than when you posted last week.

Joy, I think your mum sounds like she is trying in her way to be supportive. I think it's tough for families when they can't make the situation ok, they don't know what to say or do to make things better.

Sar, your consultant does sound nice. I'm sorry you're worried about the op and what they'll find. We will all be here holding your hand.

Nelly - that's all looking good and things are still moving forward. Wow the change in E2 is immense. It just tAkes one and you are doing really well. Are you feeling ok?

MrsDen migraines are horrid. Definitely practice belly breathing if you can to calm the heart rate. Hope you feel better. Yes def more positive, any progress is better than none?

Joy I feel fine, other than the actual stress of worrying about progress. No side effects. No problems with bloating or hair loss or anything. Bit tired but then I always am and I think that's age and wedding stress. the change in bloods is interesting. Def glad I didn't cancel. Even if we don't get to EC stage at least I know I tried.

Am guzzling water now. Hunting out avocado at lunchtime too. .

Nelly - very pleases you didn't cancel as well! Out of interest do you compare notes with your sister and her experience and test results? Was she unexplained?

Mrsden - I agree I think my mum is but so annoying too!

Hello ladies

nelly good news on the progress. I am so pleased that things worked out and the cycle is going strong for you.

joycep It is strange when people seem anti IVF. I had never really pondered it before all this barren crap but never had strong thoughts on it. I just thought it was a good thing. I'm not sure that Leonards parents are that keen & hadn't realised that for Roman Catholics IVF is a big no, no and that in their minds the baby has no soul. That really pissed me off when I read that and I am just willing anyone to ever breathe anything along that vein to me.

gin how are you today? Thinking of you.

rabbits how is the tooth? I live in fear of toothache. It is the pits. I agree with Nelly about maybe trying clove oil. Also you can buy a gel for toothache. It's quite expensive but Leonard swears by it when his wisdom teeth get infected.

sarlat how are you bearing up today? Your consultant sounds nice but it is such a lot to process.

doll how are you? I have to say that I was horrified that nobody checked your name....cripes!

artemis I'm thinking of you too and fingers crossing.

buzzy it is so good to hear how much better you are feeling. When I hit the bottom I too made a bit of a decision that enough was enough. I literally had no more emotional energy left for temping and Googling. I also hear you on the deciding not be be a victim anymore and not being a doormat for selfish people. Actually I would say that that decision has been one definite positive outcome from this whole sorry mess.

Mrsd sorry about the migraine. I get a whopper too before my period and then most days during my period I reckon it is do with crashing progesterone and rising estrogen. Have you tried popping a couple of aspirin with a coke or coffee? Burnt toast is apparently a good cure too though I haven't tried it because our smoke alarms are so sensitive!

The talk about feeling like we will be the one who doesn't get a baby was interesting. I think most of us feel that. I personally find it really difficult to be positive and am afraid that by being positive I might tempt fate into kicking me in the teeth. Also like buzzy said I personally find it less painful to have low expectations.

No news from Pout Towers. We found a gorgeous house but the agent is asking over £600 in fees for contracts, check-ins, deposit release???? It is absolute daylight robbery and obviously a no, no [throws massive wobbly smiley]

Love and waves to everyone I've missed.

Yes unexplained. She never had an AMH test done, and FSH bit lower than mine (9 I think). Was never told she had a low reserve. But she responded better than me. Which in a way it makes a mockery of the whole mums menopause theory?

On the down side she hated the IVF as DR made her feel unwell. So at least I feel happy to go as many times as needed again. Which I won't need as my one and a half follies are going to win me a baybee .

joycep after the cervical scare I don't plan to ever take the steroids or anything else that F*s with my immune system ever again.

Nelly your follies are making progress - hurrah!

mrsd I feel for you. I had my first migrane in about 20 years when I was on Letrozole. And it was my first with visual disturabnces (usually they just make me extremely pukey).

pout can you contact the LL directly and tell him you love the house but won't pay that level of fees? He might be able to negotiate them down. You can find the LL via the land registry website, if you don't know who it is.

Cross post pout and I'm on a call so this may be more garbled than usual?! Ffs to the Catholic view. For real? Gawd. At risk of alienating some people I think the Catholic Church has a bloody lot to answer for. That story about the lady who died in ROI last month was awful. Well I've got news for you all. There is no God. So There. .

I'm sorry you to feel that you will not get your baby, but you will. I have decreed it .

Interesting you see the cycle as going strong. I still very much feel like its on a knife edge. I guess it's hard to remain objective when you are right in the middle of it though. In my heart I think 1 follie is rather desperate though. I'm really hoping the other 2 small ones put on a growth spurt as 4 feels reasonable for my age/prognosis. It was always a long shot, but if I get a few follies to that stage, even if it doesn't end in a BFP, then I will feel I did as well as can be expected and there is still hope. Whereas only 1 follie feels like I'm only clinging on by a rag nail to everything that makes me a woman . Does that seem nuts? I'd rather fail as a result of some hitherto unknown random issue, than fail because of the inevitable conclusion of my aging ovaries. In other words I want to prove my AMH wrong even if I don't get pregnant.. Makes no sense does it? I'm just fed up being written off. It makes me feel old and discarded. Meh.

I also remembered a crazy thing I did this weekend. Remember the Aveda chat? Well I changed as its nice for my hair. But last week as we were away for a couple of days I was using my kerastase in the travel bottle and decided to finish it up. Then I got the bad scan. On Saturday we were going out so I used the Aveda so got a good scan. On Monday night I was washing my hair, picked up the travel bottle, poured it in my hand. Then stood there for about 30 seconds, deciding whether to put it on my head or pour it down the drain. Honestly, in what world does 3 uses of a non-organic shampoo make the difference between follies growing, or not. in my crazy TTC world, that's where.

Anyway....

Gin how are you? Hanging in there? Hope you are ok.

Same to Art and Doll. Thinking of you and all the twins.

Rabbit is the tooth any better?

Ok better actually listen to this call for a bit...

nelly I did giggle at the thought of you on the phone whilst mumsnetting.

People on the outside being more positive than we feel I think is a typical thing. On the outside you can see things more clearly. I think when we view our own situations we muddy the waters with all the emotional baggage and weird little thoughts.....like shampoo jinxing your follies I laugh only because that is exactly the type of warped mental bollocks that I do!

BTW I do understand you wanting on some level to prove the AMH wrong. I spend a lot of time lately wondering whether the TTC quest for me has turned into me needing to "win" this battle against my body and prove that I can do it, and get pregnant.

As for the RC IVF thing I actually first read about it on MN. I was absolutely horrified to Google it and find it was true. Then the penny started to rattle around my head a bit about what Leonard's parents think about it all....

euro thanks for your good advice as ever! We have since found the house listed with another agent and have put our name forward along with all the other applicants who don't have dogs and will likely "win" the house instead

pout there are definitely levels of catholics. My friend who has three gorgeous IVF babies is married to a catholic (she's sort of hindu/agnostic!). His late father completely doted on the eldest before he died. They did feel a bit odd about "left over" embryos (and they luckily had their twins from their last frostie so didn't end up having any left over to make decisions about), but so do I and I do not believe in any form of sky pixie!

rabbit I hope the tooth is better. Mr Euro suffers with this. His dad (a dentist) recommended having them removed but he has woosed out so far! About once a year usually when we are about to do something important it flares up and causes him absolute agont.

pout glad you have found a house, fingers crossed you get it.

nelly I'm glad things are going better for you

mrsd commiserations on the migraines, I find mine vary, sometimes I get the aura others it just starts like a headache I never leave the house without my triptans

joy I'd put most of it down to life coaching, not really convinced the low dosage anti depressants are doing much I think I had just reached the end of the road with all the misery and like I said I didn't want to be a victim of my own circumstances anymore, all the crying and stressing hasn't helped me at all, I know I was stressing out Barry and making us both miserable, I feel more accepting of my situation and more in control.
It still hurts when you get preggy announcements, MIL's friend told me she is pregnant now then went onto complain that the pregnancy will either work or end in a miscarriage again yes that is the case for every pregnancy, I reminded her how fortunate she is to be pregnant!!!! and after such a short time since her last pregnancy!!! I understand she is worried but she is now under the care of Shehata on the NHS, there is little more that can be done at this stage, other than to take the steroids and have the regular scans. After saying that I haven't cried or felt distressed about it like I have in the past, which makes a big difference. I was annoyed that she took so long to tell me when I knew she was pregnant and kept asking, I don't need or deserve to be treated like that

V quick. Bloods now at 935. More than doubled in 2 days. About exactly as they'd expect so the follies are doing something. Yay! I've to go back on Friday. Kind of like me not to do anything until the last minute. off to acu, post later.

nelly super news on the bloods says she who had no blood work and knows nothing I see your cycle as positive, I compared my run up to EC with that of gin and Artemis obviously because it was the same time, so mine looked bad (and lets face it wasn't great), now because I went to EC and ET and your cycle looks a lot like mine did at this point it looks good to me. Simplistic rubbish I know but there you have it [ grin]

gin I don't see a recent post from you, I hope you are ok love.

Sending waves to everyone, non-IFVers I'm reading even if I don't always have something to say. euro we are a non-sky pixie household too, but Ken is from a RC background. I just brought up the no-soul baby and he said 'sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't think you would mind'. I'm really knocked out this evening, I had to go to the border today which is a mountain road and the drive made me car sick. I am being completely wet because all I had to do was sit in a car for a few hours, talk to some people then sit in a car for a few hours but feel like I've been run over by a bus. Loves to all. X

Hi ladies. Just popping in quickly. It was my first day back at work and an totally shattered! I too have a migraine thing mrsd. I didn't get any during stimming and last ivf cycle got none at all.

Great news about the bloods nellie. I am still convinced you will get a good no. of eggs and as doll has shown, you really don't need many. In fact despite, all my eggs, I ended up with only 3 embryos by day 3.

It's official test day tomorrow and am convinced it'll be negative after yesterday's bfn. I've managed not to cry today though so that's good. Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. You are luffley. Dave and I have tomorrow off and will be going for a boozy pub lunch.

Waves to all.

Fingers massively crossed for you Gin. It must be so hard to try to stay calm. I hope that you won't be having quite such a boozy lunch as you are planning. Keep us all posted :)

I will try not to give you all a blow by blow account of my day tomorrow . My ovaries are definitely starting to feel tender. I have to say it makes me wonder about the weight thing. Perhaps there is no room for more follies to grow, if I can feel this way just with 2 that are getting to measurable size. An excuse to eat pies, no?

gin - good luck. I so hope that you get better news than you expect tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you get happy news. I wish I could say the right thing - I wish this whole thing wasn't so hard.

nelly I am so glad that your follies are growing and your bloods look good. I am furious at the nurse who upset you last week. What a rollercoaster. Good luck tomorrow.

rabbit hope the tooth is feeling better. I can't believe what you've been through, bloody hell. Talk about a tough year.

sar I am sorry that you cried on the consultant. I think it is hard for doctors to understand how this affects us. And you've had a really rough ride over the past year, and been coping with it brilliantly. Keep the faith. You will get there.

cosmos loved the link.

madness your smoking story made me laugh! Hope the appointment went well.

art and doll - I am willing your little embies to be settling in. I hope you're both managing with the stressful wait.

On the RC thing, it was definitely something that worried me when I first started thinking about IVF. But now that I know it's the only way that I can get pregnant I feel more at peace about doing it. I feel like I've given my body every chance to have a baby in the natural way, but it isn't happening. I refuse to believe that God doesn't want me to have a baby, or is punishing me for not starting earlier, or that it's just 'meant to be' as I have heard non-barrens blithely sometimes saying. And even some of my super RC friends use contraception methods that stop the fertilised egg implanting, rather than preventing fertilisation at all.

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow so I have a four day weekend, which will be really nice. Work has been pressured recently. It will be good to have some time away from the office.

Sorry not to namecheck more - have done the usual thing of getting overwhelmed by how much I've missed.

Morning all. Have been managing to keep up with reading but not had time for a proper post. As usual rushing off to work this morning but wanted to say good luck to gin and nelly. Here's hoping for a very fattening pub lunch minus the booze . That goes for you too Nelly - any excuse for pie and chips is a good one in my book!

Will make sure I get on to name check everyone tonight.

Morning

Quick phone post from me from a busy, super-early train journey (I remembered to get dressed properly this time ). Just popping in to say yay to Nelly for the follies - I'm cross with that nurse from last week too - and big hug to Gin. I'm keeping everything crossed for some good news and a booze free lunch.

Reception is dubious so I won't linger, will be back later. 6 hours on trains today for a 1-hour meeting

Buzz - I felt sad reading your above post. What a hard time you have had. It must be so tought not having a good relationship with your mother. I agree wit Joy, your change in direction is amazing and shows how much inner strangth you have. Amazing lady! Sorry about the weird behavior from MIL's friend.

Cos - thanks for the link. You have a very calming influence. How are you getting on? Do you have a plan of action baed on your recent infection investigations.

Rabbit - wow, you story is quite something. I am not supreised you are shaken and unnerved after everything and you must follow your heart about not wanting intervention at present. You body has healed remakably well. Did you say the Dr's actually took your womb out of you body and held it?

Den - sorry for the headache and heart palpatations - that must be scary, I don't have any advice but what others have said sound useful. Stimming can bering some funny side effects but not always the ones you think you might get.

Joy - thank you for the vote of confidence in my surgery decisions and all of your reassurance. Thanks for the hugs. I wonder if it may be worthwhile asking your mum to look at some IVF success stories and try and educate her a little. She does want to support you I agree and I wonder if she is choosing not to think about IVF because she worried it is far more painful / intrusive/ bizzare than it really is. I am sorry, this is an extra layer of stress you don't need. If it were me, I would choose to view it as you do which is she cares for you deeply and just wants everything to be ok. I have no doubt that if you gae birth to her grandchild and it was conceived via IVF then IVF would become the best thing since sliced bread.

Nelly - hooray this is getting better and better. And your follies are growing like mine did easy does it . It makes me wonder how many cycles get abondoned unnecissarily. Keep going and keep believing my lovely. One day at a time with IVF and I don't think you sound nuts. Sometimes, there are more eggs than what there appear follies. It's great about your womb lining too. Good luck for today's scan - and I do want a blow by blow account

Pout - sorry about your Les' parents funny attitudes - not helpful.

Would it suprise you all to learn I am a practising Catholic? I can assure you that IVF isn't a big no no. There is still some conflict within the church about if of course but it's not IVF itself that is the problem. And there isn't a big doctrine to say not to do it. The main issue is that the embryo is viewed as a life in it's own right and therefore needs to be given the opportunity for survival. And this is a viewpoint held by many non catholics of course too. Believe me I researched all of this plenty before starting my IVF. The great thing about IVF tecnhiques at present is you can freeze viable embryos so it is totally compatable with this view point. They can be given that opportunity for survival. The 'no soul' thing is utter garbage and not a commonly held view - in fact I have never heard of that and the catholics I know view these babies as extra special. I think it's very easy to read weirdo and non-represetative stuff on the internet becuase that is where weirdo's spout their rubbish. I think if Len's parents are anti-IVF then they would be anyway if you know what I mean, just like many others of that generation, or younger for that matter. Many people find IVF unsettling because they don't understand it and find a reason for it to be wrong. As someone who works in health professions I have seen many types of interventions (including the ones I offer) viewed with suspicion by many different types of people and sometimes people's reaction to scary intervention is simply to say it is 'wrong' or 'not natural'. I hope that helps a little Pout? Also the catholics arround me have been very supportive and commited towards what I am doing and helping me get through it. Please be aware that the tragedy of the lady who died in Galway is also not a reflection of catholicsm. Women who have pregnancies which could threaten life are certainly not expected to contine with the pregnancy. I think the fact that this story made headlines show this is a rare situation and that something somwhere has gone badly wrong. Someone is responsable for this awful decsion making but not necissarily in the name of catholicsm.

Gin - thinking of you with the test today. Stand by boozy pub lunch sounds perfect

Critter - enjoy the long bank holiday.