Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

[RainboxFX]

A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

Thank you blizy my dear and at your DH! (Which reminds me, I should at green's DH too )
I am SO glad you're having such a good time. SO glad!

elly I'm so sorry you've been poorly - are you off work? Is your Mum still staying with you? Get well very, very soon. Thanks for your lovely message.

I have had an email from our EPU consultant, offering me fortnightly reassurance scans for the first trimester, if the pregnancy continues. So kind!

Love to you all on this horrid, rainy, windy day xx

I only wanted to pop back quickly to say:
I know she's not reading this at the moment, but I can't stop thinking of fan. And so I am sending lots of love to her, and hoping that she somehow feels it - and that tonight, tomorrow, and all the following days will be good ones in the fan household xxxxxx

blizy I should have said earlier, thank you for such a generous message. (My head is still a bit all over the place, I'm not quite functioning properly... My apologies.) Also very much thinking of you, too. xxxxx

Love to everyone else tonight - thinking of you all, and of your beautiful babies who should be with you xx

Also thinking of the lovely fan here, hoping that she is finding lots of wonderful 'me-time' activities.

kleine your words were absolutely perfect, thank you, they gave me a whole new perspective. And so glad you giggled at my false alarm - it was in Dunelm of all places!!

blizy loving the Las Vegas reports, and loving that you are having such a great time - all totally deserved!! But if you win millions, spare a thought for the little people like us

elly take it easy, no point in rushing around when you aren't 100%

little9 yay for an extra week on, but understand the conflict about the due dates. We have realised that Mia was with us for 400 days, and this baby will arrive around arrive another 400 days since she died.

angel you convinced me to convince MrMia to agree that we need to buy a new boiler before baby and the Christmas arrivals, as the thought of both of those here in a freezing cold place doesn't bear thinking about!! Well, we always knew we needed it, he just wasn't keen on forking out on it, despite the recent service telling us it was being held together by a single screw...

moomins at the size of your DS1, makes me feel much better about this one with its perfectly round tummy!

whatever, angel, split May I ask you all a question? Did you have any bereavement counselling just before your rainbows arrived? We are thinking it might be a good idea, simply because of all the emotional fall-out which is likely, even though we haven't had any before.

Had a good meeting with the hospital today, and they have been accommodating about tomorrow's meeting so I will still be able to say my piece then too.

mias ha at Dunelm!!!

Am so very glad that the hospital have made a way for you to contribute to today's meeting.
Thinking of you and your LO as you have the tests done today. Update us if you can. xx

A rather frazzled wave from me before school run. Lots of flooding and storms here. I have to cross a very old bridge to get boys from school, ju st hoping its still open! My Inlaws are arriving in an hour or two, so I've spent my day madly cooking and baking and cleaning. Lovely distraction! DH also just emailed to say his work have cancelled tommorow, so he's off when he gets back from london tonight, which is a nice surprise.

Another lovely thing that has happened here is a woman who visited my oldest sons class to talk about dartmoor ponies and let them meet some has called the class teacher to say J impressed her so much with his 'uncanny' way with them that she'd like him to visit her farm on the moor. It's so lovely to hear possitive things about him, he struggles so much with his dyslexia, I was really pleased. He is amazing with animals. Anyway, those are the things that are going on here... None of it ttc related, as AF still not here. It's nice to have the break and live without ttc or being pregnant for a few weeks.

Mia's, hoping all is well after your appt... I also thought KLEINES comment about juggling two kids was very lovely and apt. And as mother of my two boys and Merryn, I can say the guilt is something that crops up.... Juggling is an art!

KLEINE.... I'm still grinning ever time I think of your news... Sooo happy for you!

FAN.... Yes, I can see that it all gets far too much. I hope you know that we all will be holding you in mind. You have helped me through some awful times, if you ever need anything, just ask. I still have some alpaca fleece with your name on it, it will be spun one day! Xxx

Hi to everyone else, must go now or I'll be late!

Mias, I have had some bereavement counselling since finding out I was pg, I think it's helping, although I've only had 2 sessions.

That's really lovely green about the ponies & farm visit for DS1!

That's great that EPU have offered that reassurance to you kleine, I have found that a scan will keep me going for about a week before I start panicking again :)

Got MW appointment in the morning - hopefully will get to hear heartbeat, am worrying that me being ill has affected the baby.

Thinking of you fan

Hope you are having an amazing time blizy!!

Hi to everyone I've not namechecked xx

Miasmum I arranged counselling last June , 6 months in to my pg with the same counsellor I'd had after Georgie however, on the day I was due to attend my session we had to have 1 of our cats put to sleep. So no I didn t have counselling this time round... I ve found at times, emotions run very high & it's hard to work through all the conflicting feelings.. So , if u think counselling will help ; go for it xxxxx
Good news Kleine about your monitoring ..xxx
Hi Green how are you?
Love to all, Phebs still ill here & small blood stain on her sheet this am so I re-arranged my working day so could swap clinics , took time off rushed Phebs from nusery to drs & was told just a virus , we re doing all we can etc....nightmare!!!!!
Hoping she ll pick up soon
Love to all xxxxx

Oh angel how worrying. I dread the day Holly gets poorly, I will be a panicky mess. Hope she's right as rain soon

Kleine sounds like fabulous support from your epu. I'm so pleased you are going to be well looked after

Elly fx for hearing hb tomorrow xx

Loving the pics of Vegas Blizy and of E and L Blue How are you finding balancing have two at home?

Green bless J, sounds like he has a very special gift with animals, what a fabulous opportunity. Your whole family sound so lovely, I so wish Merryn (and all our angels) were in our families where they should be xx

Mias you're so close my lovely, the strain of the final furlong is so hard. Glad you were able to attend meeting at MK Hospital, I know how much it means to you. When have they scheduled your gtt? What's the birth plan again? As for counselling, no I havent, I was going but stopped when I fell pg with Holly as I found it too distressing to open up about Erin and be pg. However I think I could do with some now, even just a session or two with someone impartial to get out all my jumbled feelings around K, E and H. I feel very conflicted and torn and confused some of the time which I think is part and parcel of rainbow babies. I think you should definitely consider having a session or two before baby comes as you probably won't feel like it straight after. It's probably slightly different for us as Erin always should have been our last, Holly really is only here because Erin died and i find that hard to comprehend. I guess for you now would have been a natural time to have a sibling for Mia? Or was it Mia's death that triggered you ttc again? So much love, I really can't wait to see your beautiful little one xx

Busy day today, ordered Holly's christening cake - snowflakes with white Holly leaves and silver berries. I've asked them to add a small pink butterfly to it as well to honour her big sister. Too if you're reading - how did you end up including Thea in Maia's service? We'd like to make sure Erin is mentioned. Went and tidied up at the cemetery and it struck me how much I do for K and H and how little I can do for her, think I need to sink my teeth in to some fundraising next year - help me feel like I'm doing something just for her.

Love to all - especially my lovely fan xxx

Today was first day I had to do school run on my own and get them both ready. We managed, but it's difficult with not being able to plan L's feeding times. We went into E's school and the head teacher went round with L, the children were all very excited and pleased to see me. I go in and volunteer and lots of the children come to after school club. After that we went to coffee pop in at church and L had lots of cuddles with all the old ladies :)
This afternoon we spent watching the tellie and snoozing.
L doesn't like sleeping in her Moses basket at night, she's sleeping in our bed most of the time. Considering getting a co sleeper cot, if it fits next to the bed, we're quite tight for space as we have a super king bed. I love having her close though, but DH says she should really sleep in her basket...

Evening Ladies

OMG Kliene I am over the moon for you. I cried when I read your post I am so soooooooo pleased for you.....congratulations on your little miracle :) I cant believe I have missed so much since Monday.....I came on to see how you got on with your appointment and have just cried tears of happiness for you. This is the 1st time I havent had chance to read for so long for one reason or another, What a difference a couple of days makes.

Glad your getting plenty of attention from the consultant and EPU. A lovely July 2013 baby, many congratulations to you and Mr Kliene xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thinking of everyone else as always.

Will catch up on the thread properly tomorrow. Haven't really had chance to read.......I just quickly scanned. Things have just been so busy in the Babyh household lately. My beautiful daughter was 9 on Tuesday.......the years have flown. It broke my heart in two when she said it would be the worst birthday ever because 'A' isn't here :( however, in the end she seemed to really enjoy herself. Her celebrations continue at the weekend with her best friend sleeping over and taking her 5 friends the cinema to see 'Danger in a manger' and then for a meal on Sunday.

Love to all xxxxxxx

Morning all.
angel how is Phebs today? Thinking of you all and hope so very much that she feels loads better soon.

green did you manage the school run ok?!
I am so pleased for J; I bet he's so chuffed, to know that his aptitude for being with animals was noticed and is being praised. Do you know when he/you all might go and see the ponies? Aren't people lovely sometimes - that lady sounds like she's really kind.

elly thinking of you for your appt this morning xx

mias how are you doing, lovely?

blue well done on getting to school and back yesterday! L is so tiny, I'm so impressed that you are doing so well. It must be lovely to have her in bed with you... hope you find a solution to her sleeping habits that suits you all (particularly Miss L!) soon.

wtw Holly's cake sounds WONDERFUL. Did you get the vicar you wanted for her christening, in the end?
I know what you mean about feeling sad that you can't do much for Erin It must be such a huge contrast for you, as well, with your two other girls.
Who would you do the fundraising for - Sands? We are going to set up a tribute fund to E in time for the six-month anniversary of her death with Sparks - www.sparks.org.uk - as they carry out research into cooling treatments for babies with brain damage. E's brain damage was too severe, but other babies can be helped... Anyway, just thought I'd mention it in case you (or anyone else) are interested.

babyh you are so sweet. Thank you! How are you doing?
A belated happy birthday to your beautiful J - I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy her day, after being so sad beforehand I love the sound of her weekend plans - movie, meal out, sleepover - it's just what I used to love doing for my birthdays when I was younger! Good luck with getting any sleep that night yourselves, though

Afm, well, the shock is lifting and I am starting to stress about the lack of symptoms. I do realise there's nothing at all I can do about it, and that I just have to wait and see what happens... obviously am pretty scared that next week's scan will bring bad news, but am just going to try to fill my time up till then as best I can. I have been tidying and cleaning the house like a maniac (albeit one who needs frequent breaks because she's quite tired)
Love to all xx

Sorry, I wasn't clear above: I meant to say that Sparks carries out research into all sorts of conditions that affect babies, both in the womb and after they're born - not just brain damage.

wtw Holly's christening cake sounds lovely!

kleine I haven't heard of Sparks, but Nancy had that cooling treatment to try to minimise the damage, even though the damage was too severe really, they still tried.

We got a lovely certificate through from Sands for the event that we organised in July - we raised over £2400 in total (we donated £200 of it to a local hospice for children though), great result and it felt really good to do something positive.

blue, sounds like you did really well yesterday with both girls!

Appointment went well, heard hb straight away, thank goodness - MW said they'd keep me there until they heard it! Was so worried beforehand, but it was all ok. Going again on Tuesday, and they said they'll see me every week for reassurance which is great.

kleine the tiredness is a good symptom though, will keep fx for next week, it's such a scary time. Also hoping that you don't get hyperemesis this time though xx

Hi, don't normally post on here but pop on from time to time. Just wanted to offer fan the option of pm me. I lost my son in May 2011, since then have had 1 miscarriage and 1 chemical pregnancy. Not yet had my rainbow baby so know how hard it is when other people come and graduated. Like you I was told they could not find a reason for it. There was a stage where I needed to take time out of this thread and where I was really fed up of other peoples BFPs (no offence). I think it helped when I realised they were not getting a baby in place of me and time helped heal. Pm me if you would like to chat.

I recognise a few familiar names especially georgie sorry you find yourself on this thread ladies, wishing you all your rainbows in the end.

Hi, I hunted down this thread after someone mentioned it on a thread about late miscarriage. We lost DD just before Christmas last year at 18/40. I know how blessed we are. We have a wonderful (if infuriatingly naughty at times) DS and I am 27/40 with DC3, so I am sorry to come on here, particularly when people like fanjo are having such a hard time and deserve so much more sympathy.

I suppose I just wanted to ask if the feelings of (I don't even know how to describe them) sadness, jealousy, sorrow for what we wanted and have lost ever go or get better.

I am so aware of how it must sound to other people. I am pregnant again and things are going so well, but I am just not enjoying it. I am just waiting for something to go wrong and I just don't believe that we will actually get a baby in the end. I pretend to be excited when people ask me but I am just not.

And then I am surrounded by so many pregnant people at the moment. I have 4 friends due within a month of me and there has been another flurry of pregnancy announcements recently. They just make me cry. I AM happy for them, I don't want people not to be pregnant or to have problems, but it makes me so upset that things just didn't work out that way for us, that they are getting the age gap we wanted, that they get to enjoy their pregnancy and get all excited and that I don't.

Gosh, that has turned into a bit of a rant, so thank you if you've persevered right the way through for a newbie to this thread. I really, really do know how fortunate we are to be expecting again and to have a little boy already and I am so sorry for the similar feelings that this will cause in others reading this, but it doesn't take away these feelings or the guilt for having these feelings.

Kleine pls don t fret about your lack of symptons it means nothing. I never have/ had any ... Remember time dragging between each stage however you will get there . 1 day at a time. Phebs' slightly better today & slept from 12-6 last night. However, I m full of a cold now!!!
Elly xxx glad alls going well... Your care package is mirroring mine with Phebs... Whoop whoop for heartbeat xxx
Hi Lemon so sorry for your losses ... I m fine thanks. I ve been lucky enough to have my rainbow 13 months ago ; Phoebe .. I hope you re taking care of yourself & keeping well? Xxx
Blue well done on your school run xx love to you re girls xxx
Hi all ; hope everyone is well? Thank god it's Friday... Phebs slightly better but I m full of cold now ...love to all xxxx

Hi BartletforteamGB sorry for your loss. I think what you re experiencing is perfectly normal. My first dd ( after 2 mcs) was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 ; Georgie. I had my 2 nd daughter ;Phoebe 18/10/11 . I hated being pg with Phebs , not the physical side but the emotional side, the absolute worry & terror Phebs wouldn t make it. I constantly regret that Georgie isn t here & my one under lying though always comes back to " it's not fair" Georgie & us for not having Georgie here . She's missed/ missing out on such a lot & us too & it's not fair. She was deprived of her chance at life ... & that stinks & always will.
Having Phoebe has helped with the pain as it gives me another focus in life & for me time has helped. I was told this initially after loosing Georgie & didn t believe it but it is true. Time helps dull the pain slightly & I ve found ways of coping with the pain. That's not to say the anniversaries aren t hard & quite often the raw pain will hit me again out of nowhere or for no apparent reason but I ve learnt to go with it.
I envy/ dislike people who have easy stress free pregnancies who ve never understood the pain of loosing a baby... However that / those feelings have also eased after my Phebs is here safely...

Sending u loads of love & good wishes ... Hope u find a way through to help u cope xxxxxx

Yay for good clear hb Elly I cried with relief every single time! I never realised how anxious I was until the swoosh swoosh noise and then my eyes started leaking every time! xx

Kleine I hadn't heard of Sparks - looks like a lovely charity. Between us and my work we've donated about £5k to Sands in Erin's name. I'd like to do some for the bereavement suite at our hospital and also for clic Sargent (children's cancer charity) next I think. There's an abseil down Spinnaker Tower (Portsmouth) on her birthday next year.......seems apt, not sure I could though!! Yes we did get the priest we wanted - thank you for asking. So so so pleased that all 3 of our girls will be baptised by the same lovely man. A small thread that links them.

Sherbet what a kind offer I really hope Fan sees it. Sorry for your losses xx

Bartlet a warm welcome, a very safe haven to voice all those 'unvoiceable' thoughts that go with being pg again after losing a child. I'm similar to you I have a 5yo DD, I lost DD2 shortly after birth in August '11 at 35 weeks, I was fortunate to fall again quite quickly and had my scrummy DD3 in August this year. A real rollercoaster, and yes to all those confusing feelings. Here to hold your hand x

Glad Phebs is feeling better Angel you sound run down. Lots of OJ and vitamins and as many early nights as you can manage.

Well done for the school run Blue

Lovely little Holly has done a week of 7pm to 4am - feel soooo much better for it. She's such a joy to be around, we went to a baby sensory group today was so sweet, she was ever so smiley. Tucked up and watched Arthur Christmas with K tonight, perfect

Love to all xx

Hello bartlett. I also lost my beautiful red-headed 13-month-old daughter in October of last year, and I am now 38 weeks' pregnant with her sibling. It has been hard for me to enjoy this pregnancy too, simply because that innocence and expectation is now lost. I suspect others will come along soon and say it is a very normal thing. I have particularly been challenged when people blithely say to me "Oh, it will be fine." They just don't know, they cannot guarantee that. I still say "Assuming everything is ok, then..." At the same time, the other women here have been enormously supportive and helpful. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I should not let the dark side of life, the fear, the pain, the grief, be Mia's legacy to her little sibling. She was everything that was good and perfect and wonderful in this world, and I feel as if I owe it to her to bestow these gifts upon her little brother or sister.

kleine I also had no symptoms this time, yet I knew straight away I was pg with Mia. Don't panic! Follow angel's mantra - For today, I am pregnant.

elly the heartbeat is still the best bit of every scan and check-up for me. Although the sonographer this week commented on how much hair baby has.

Blue impressive!

green what a great outcome for J, he must be so pleased.

angel hope you have a quiet weekend planned, maybe a duvet day?

whatever I know exactly what you mean about doing something especially for E. That is why I am engaging with the hospital - it is a way to continue to be Mia's mummy.

GDD test yesterday came back all normal, but have been told by the dietician midwife to limit fruit and carb intakes, so baby doesn't become too enormous. In a way, I realised I was a little disappointed - I would have been quite happy to meet baby next week in a nice, neat controlled ELCS. An ELCS has always been the plan, due to Mia's birth, just later on. Now I have to worry again about it deciding on its own that it is ready, and that is scaring me quite a lot. I am also now quite uncomfortable physically. I am waddling... [duck icon]

Thanks for the advice about bereavement counselling whatever, angel and elly. Not sure how it happened, but I think we were fast-tracked due to baby's imminent arrival, as a counsellor is coming out to our home next week to speak to us both.

Hello to everyone else here, babyH, lemon, rainbox, blizy, little9, moomins, missamel, split, amy and anyone else I may have missed and of course, thinking about our lovely fan.

Oh dear! My turn to have had a post eaten...
I will try to remember what I wrote (I have time - it's Saturday, and my completely exhausted DH is having a big lie-in...).

elly and wtw such wonderful fundraising totals. A fantastic way to have honoured your beautiful daughters xx
elly REALLY glad you heard HB, and that the midwives are being so understanding. Hopefully it won't be long before you'll be feeling little flutterings, and that might help to reassure you a little bit?
wtw I think it's so lovely that the same priest will have baptised all your girls. Really special. Also, hurrah for sleep!

lemonsherbet I am so sorry to hear about the death of your son, and of your two pregnancy losses since then. I can't imagine how hard it must be, and wholeheartedly wish you your rainbow baby very, very soon. It was so lovely of you to come on here and write that message for fan xx
Which makes me want to say - fan, thinking of you, lovely lady.

bartlet I am very sorry about the loss of your DD - and at Christmas time, too - a particularly hard time of year to experience such a loss, I'd imagine. Our daughter died in June of this year (aged two days; she sustained severe brain damage, due to an undiagnosed problem with the cord, while my labour was being induced at 42 weeks), so I am not as far down this path as you, or as many of the women on this thread - but, I have to say, it sounds to me that all of the feelings you describe are completely normal. In my case, I try to ignore the guilt about the way I'm feeling as regards other people and their pregnancies - but I've done a lot of reading on the topic, and it really does seem that almost all bereaved mothers feel this way to varying extents. I have been honest with my friends about it, which has helped, as they understand that it's very difficult for me.
And as for a subsequent pregnancy - well, judging by the experiences I've heard on this thread, sadly it seems almost impossible just to sit back and enjoy it - gritting your teeth and just getting on with it seems to be the norm. Losing a child just changes your perception of almost everything, doesn't it, and worry/terror/anxiety are part of everyday life. Do you have a particular birth plan - ie, would you be induced a bit early, or anything like that (I'm just wondering if having an idea of your 'end date' would help?).

angel glad Phebs is feeling a little better - hope your cold vanishes; you DO get more than your fair share, don't you?!

mias good news about the counsellor. And very glad that all is ok with the LO, but I can understand your anxiety about what would happen if labour were to start before your ELCS. I think I would feel the same. Have you discussed it with your consultant - is there a plan? When did Mia arrive - when did your waters break with her? I don't know for sure, but I am presuming that you had a CS with her, given the vasa previa, so I suspect that you're also concerned about the possibility of a VBAC if baby decides to arrive quickly? I very much hope that all of this will prove to be unnecessary worry, and that baby will be very happy to arrive in luxurious ELCS style, on the appropriate day.
Sorry to hear you're uncomfortable and duck-like...

I have written quite a lot more this time than I did in my last, eaten-up post - so I had better finish soon in case this one vanishes too!
Doing ok here, keeping as relaxed as is possible. Also, our friends had their baby yesterday, and I was very relieved for two reasons: one, baby is fine; two, baby is a boy... it's selfish, of course, but the fact that he's a boy means that we will find it easier to see them sooner. elly I know you'll be going to see your friend's baby, when you're feeling better, and I hope it's ok/manageable/not too awful (delete as appropriate).
Hope everyone has some nice weekend plans - look after yourselves, lovelies xx

Ooh look I have the thread all to myself...
Hope everyone is ok?

Slightly worrying times here, as I had a lot of abdomen pain, some nausea, and dizziness this morning - not for too long, so we didn't go to hospital, but it was enough to make us come home and plonk me in bed for the day. No bleeding, and I feel fine now, but obviously we'll be keeping an eye on everything.
Luckily, or 'luckily' perhaps, a small tree fell down in our garden overnight, which meant that DH has had lots of sawing and chopping to do this afternoon; otherwise he would have gone mad with worry. So horrible for him to be so stressed about me.
Anyway, scan is on Thursday, so that's something to aim for. We'll see how it goes.

Love to all! xxx

Oh Kleine how are you feeling now my lovely? Am hoping so much it's just normal early pregnancy niggles as that little bean beds in nice and snug xx

Bit worried here too - Holly had a slight cough yesterday which has got worse today and since about 2ish has had wheezy, crackly breathing. Not struggling for breath though just noisy. She is okay in herself but sleeping more than usual and feeding less than usual. She's sleeping on me at the moment. Will be ringing doctors first thing in the a.m!

Love to all xxxx

Kleine hope u re ok now? Roll on Thursday xxx
Wtw poor Holly ... It's horrid when they re ill? Hope Holly picks up? Phebs is improving I m just hoping she doesn r get my cold back from me now ... Xxx
Hi all; hope everyone else is well? Had a lazy day today was going to the Xmas market in Leeds but wanted to stay in to get better for the weekend.
Early night tonight , dosed up to get better for Thursday when my bday celebrations start... Love to all xxxx

Thanks for your kind words, everyone. It has made me feel a bit more normal, if not a bit better! I am sorry though to read each of your stories.

Kleine, hope you continue to feel better. Time never goes as slowly as in the first 12 weeks! I can imagine that you are counting down the days/sleeps/hours until your scan.

We don't have a particular birth plan and, after lots of scans, have gone back to being low risk. DD had Turner's syndrome (we discovered after the PM) and we knew she was likely to die from the 12 week scan, but we'd declined a termination, so I spent weeks this time last year carrying her and having lots of repeat scans waiting to see what happened. All the scans are very encouraging this time, so we have been discharged from fetal medicine.

wtw, never worry about phoning the OOH GPs if you have a poorly baby. I hope she improves and that you both get a decent night of sleep. I can never sleep if DS is in with us whether or not he has been poorly. Co-sleeping just wouldn't work for me!