Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

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A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

Evening all.
Back home and on a bit of a downer TBH. I mentioned a while back that my SIL was pregnant and I am really pleased for her. I was a bit sad inside when she announced it because my baby is dead but obviously didn't show it in any way. In fact I even gave her some maternity clothes of mine still with the tags on because she mentioned her clothes were getting tight. Anyway I discovered accidently today that my DH new all about her news and never told me. So the day she came round was a total farce for my benefit because everyone new except me even my own DH. Can't believe he would do that to me after 15 yrs and 3 children. I feel totally gutted I understand his sister in a little way worrying how I may react but not my own husband. Feeling totally betrayed tonight. Sorry for moaning x

Ah Fan totally self absorbed for a second there have a lovely time at Wembley on Sunday x
Green: glad your DH home x
Love to everyone else x

dont be sorry for moaning babyh Im sure your DH had your best interests at heart, but he could have handled it better, like telling you in advance of her coming over. I think I would feel betrayed aswell. Have you spoken to DH about how this has made you feel?

Thanks Fan he knows I'm totally pissed off about it. He said he doesn't know why he didn't tell me? I think he should have told me in advance too!!!
Men eh!
Nite all hope the weekend is kind to you all xxxxxxxx

Because men are weak babyH & often take the path of least resistance!!!!cxx
Yes, we had a fab time in Blackpool ; chav spotting!!!! Lights good & Phebs enjoyed herself, ta xxxx
Green xxxx
Hope everyone is ok? Can t namecheck as forgot what everyone's up to!!! TGIF!!!! Long , busy week... Now , on the coldest day of the year, the heatings bust!!!!!
Nightmare!!!!!
Love to all xxxxx

Oh no angel! Is it working now or properly busted?

baby that's a nasty situation, not surprised you are hurt.

Well we have had fun today rescuing an escapee dog. She was running around in the main road causing all sorts of chaos so we got her onto the pavement, checked collar, no tag, and thought what the heck do we do with her now?? Tried the local police station but it was closed so ended up walking her 2miles to the vets! Fortunately they found a microchip so should be looking after her until the owners pick her up. Lovely dog. I think Freya was hoping it was her new pet...

Freya is now our apple monster. If she catches sight of one anywhere she will shout and gesture insistently until you give it to her, preferably half peeled. She will then pretty much eat the entire thing if you give her long enough... 3 apples yesterday Still, keeps her happy and means I can cook tea.

Having been all "no more children, can't ever do that again" since Freya was born, I have suddenly in the last week hit a broody patch It's a bit unnerving tbh, I thought I knew my own mind on this one. But now I am eyeing the new pack of condoms in DH's drawer sadly and wondering if we should have got a smaller box Fortunately (I think!) the fact that my periods are still MIA, should save us from any rash decisions.
I think really what it is is that I want a chance to "put right" my experience of pregnancy. And I'm not sure that's a good enough reason tbh. Obv the pg with Bobbie ended tragically and far too soon, and then with Freya it was so much terror and stress and raw grief as it was so soon (BFP 2 months after losing Bobbie). I spent all of Freya's pregnancy really heavily and actively grieving her sister so tbh the memories of it are incredibly painful.
But I am nostalgically thinking of the heady excitement of seeing that 2nd line appear on the stick, the early days where you have a "secret" baby as no one knows, that amazingly special feeling of knowing there;s a baby in there and how protective it makes you, seeing them on a scan (once past the utterly terrifying bit at the start where you see if there's a hb) and going soppy over the pictures, baby kicks.... and part of me wants to do it all again.
Though it needs balancing against the possible heartbreak of ttc, the chance of not going to term, the horribleness of sickness, the chance of grim things like forceps, nasty tears, haemorrage, poorly baby etc etc and are we brave enough to try? Because ultimately it's a gamble isn't it going for babies. All you can do is throw the dice and hope for the best, but there's a lot of horrible/stressful/painful things that can happen. Thankfully I am unlikely to be able to do anything at all about my broodiness for now so have plenty of time to see if the feeling lasts.

Cat is going in for a tooth op on Tuesday. My credit card is wincing already.

Spilt seems ok at the moment but booked a service for the heating next week. Boiler is about 12 years old so won r be surprised when its gone hopefully will be in a few years , after we ve moved!!!!
Like you I m having the same thoughts. More so as in Dec I m 42 so not got the luxury of time. Talking at work yesterday about ttc again. I weigh up all the odds , like you, but also can t afford 2 lots of nursery fees , want to move closer to my parents ( about 100 miles away) but if pg again would like my consultant, medical team & midwives who ve been here for Georgie & Phebs to look after me...also loving not thinking about pg , loosing weight & enjoying some normality in life after 4 years of being an emotional rollercoaster. Being pg , for us, is so very hard mentally that it would absorb me mentally & emotionally & that would take me away from enjoying my Phebs... I m of the opinion that sometimes I should be grateful for what I ve got instead of wasting time chasing something that may be un obtainable....
Don g know , there s such a lot to consider... OTH don t want to get 3 years down the road & regret not ttc if I wanted to!!! Having said that I m back on the pill & we re not exactly having regular sex so not an option at the moment....
Said we ll have the " talk" at the end of the year & make a decision then....
Love to all xxxxx

Hi ladies, I hope it's ok if I just join...its just 13 days since we lost our beautiful little son Blake at 34 weeks. We don't know what went wrong yet. One of the first things I said to my DH was we have to try again. Since then it's really sunk in how terrifying that will be! I have two beautiful teen girls, I am so grateful for, but I want a little one in my life so much! Has anyone heard of additional at home monitors for high risk pregnancies? Or had experience with that. Thank you all

missamel welcome to the thread, and so sorry that you find yourself here. So sorry to hear about your little boy Blake. That is a lovely name for your little man.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn in April 2011, at 36 weeks. She died of a knot in her cord. I hope this thread can offer you the support you need.
I too knew straight away that I wanted to try again, it is scary but well the ladies here are such a support.
Some of us are still trying some of us are pregnant and some of us already have a rainbow baby.
Additional at home monitors, Im not sure about that, have never heard of it actually.

missamel I'm so so sorry to hear about Blake. Do tell us more about him, if you want to. And he died so very recently... you are going through something that's very nearly unbearable right now (the only reason I say 'very nearly', is that all of us are somehow still going, so we are the collective proof that it can be done). We will all be here to help, if we can, by listening.
Our little girl, E, was born in June at 42 weeks. My labour was being induced when the umbilical cord ruptured, and despite a very very rapid emergency CS, she was without oxygen for too long. She was able to give us two wonderful, heartbreaking days before she died in my arms. She was our first child, and we are trying for her sibling now.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about at-home monitors, either. Unless you mean like a doppler, ie something you can use yourself to hear the baby's heartbeat?
This thread is often quite quiet on the weekends, but I know other people will be along over the next couple of days to welcome you as well.

babyh these men of ours... I'm so sorry for you. It's just so much hard work, isn't it, when people let you down - even if they have the best of intentions. How are you and DH doing now?
On a more positive note , even if your SIL (and then DH) got it all wrong, at least she was trying to be as sympathetic towards your feelings as she could be. That counts for something, I think. But yes, really difficult that your DH didn't just tell you.
How are you getting on with your CBFM, lovely?

green I was so glad to hear that your DH got home early to look after you and brought flowers too. (Perhaps redeeming all men in the process!) How are you doing? Do you think the worst of the MC has passed? How have your boys been, this weekend? Still thinking of you loads xx

amy I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I hope so much that you and your DH will be able to work out what's right for you to do next.

rainbox, blizy, where are you at in your cycles? I am thinking of both of you and fan too - glad you're feeling a little better, fan, and hope you're having a really great day today!

spilt and angel hope those broody moments/wonderings about ttc will eventually be resolved in whatever is the best way for you both. angel, also, is your heating back on? Nightmare... it's freezing cold here.

wtw how's lovely little Holly doing? Has anything improved with DP at all?
And mias, blue, moomins, gah who have I forgotten... anyone else with a big bump! How are you all doing?
elly, do you have a tiny bump yet? (And btw, I have SEEN recent photos of you on FB, lady, so don't go telling me you're hugely fat. Rubbish. I will not argue with your hospital if they say you need to do the GTT test, but I will come and HAVE WORDS with them if they say you are fat. Ok? ). Also, little, hope all is well?

Feeling too lazy to scroll back further Please forgive me if I've missed anything vital!! I've got that Sunday feeling...
Am doing ok. A huge thank you to all who chipped in to help on FB over the last couple of days. You are all so lovely. It knocked me a bit, but feel like I'm standing again now. Due to ov, any day now... (just in time for DH to fly out of the country for work - luckily just for the day, though!).

Thank you, both of you for your welcome. It feels like a safe haven here. I live in Canada btw, so my time of day is different. Went to church this morning, to the cathedral where my Nannie and darling Blake are interred. I was a bit let down, the sermon seemed dry, although the minister has been a doll when we visit. I'm feeling guilty because maybe I haven't made a big enough deal over Blake. I haven't said anything on fb, a few of my friends don't know that we lost him. Closest friends and family joined us at the memorial. My pics of him are still on my phone, I have sent them to loved ones. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be distancing myself from him, but looking at his pic many times a day, it makes me so desolate.

missamel I am just about to go offline but then your post popped up... You are right, this is a safe haven - anonymous enough, but a place where you can share everything, all your darkest or most scary thoughts and feelings.

I understand the guilt. Guilt is a huge part of losing a child. It's incredibly unfair, but there it is - everyone experiences it. You are in the very earliest of days after losing your darling Blake, and you are in a bleak, black place. I am slightly further down the line than you, although only slightly, but I can tell you what I have learned from the last four and a half months: at the moment, although there is no 'best option', and there is nothing that you actually want to do, the best thing to try to do is whatever hurts you the least. You will not be hurting, forgetting, or abandoning your son in ANY way. Ever. How could you? You are torn apart by his absence in your life, and you are just groping your way forward, a tiny bit at a time, and, at the moment, you simply have to survive without him. You also still need to be there for your two girls, don't you... So, if you prefer not to tell people about Blake, or not to look at his photos, because it means you get through the day - that's fine. Really. It only means that you are doing your best to honour your son, by getting safely to the end of another long day without him.

If it helps you to know this - we had only immediate family plus two friends at E's funeral, and I came off FB immediately so many of my 'friends' on there still have no idea what happened. (I've created a new profile, since then, to make friends with the lovely ladies on here.) Also, DH and I have only shared photos of her with those who we love and trust. DH, for example, recently removed her photo from the front of his phone - he didn't want random colleagues at work to see it and ask him about her in the middle of the day, and he didn't want to continually upset himself at work whenever he needed to phone someone. It doesn't mean he loves E any less. He is just trying to keep going.

Lots of love to you. Please try not to worry. Just do what you need to.
Also, in case you don't know - there is another thread here for bereaved mothers. I have never posted on it myself but I know it's there.

Sorry, I have just realised that could have been interpreted as me saying, you should go to the other thread! Not what I meant at ALL. I just wanted to let you know about another source of support that's available, if you felt that you wanted to look at it. xx

Thank you so much, I needed to see that....can u add me on fb? Melissa Frech

Also, anyone else in this thread who would be willing to add me on fb, I would love that.
Spilt I am 41, I can relate...my ob was encouraging tho, she said you are young and healthy and menopause is years away! You can still have a baby. I was very grateful for those words

missamel hi & sorry for your loss of your son ,Blake... Xxxx I m 41 too ( just 42 in 5 weeks time!!!) my gorgeous first born daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 & we later found out , she had died from E. coli ( by a 1 in a million chance) . She'd would / should have been 2 2 weeks ago. My second precious daughter, our rainbow, was born 18/10/11 & turned 1 10 days ago. We ve all experienced the same as you and are at varying stages of grief/ survival . Like you one of the things I remember saying to my fab medical team in hospital was that I'd ve back when we had GBOS ( Georgie's brother or sister) I was determined Georgie would not be an only child ( if you get what I mean) I'd had 2 MC s before Georgie. We re a great support & lovely bunch , though I do say so myself!!! Take care, 1 day at a time... Xxxx hopefully you ve got good RL support I found that essential & credit my recovery , which is an ongoing process , largely due to them; family, DH, friends etc.... Xxxxx
Kleine heating ok now, ta. Though booked a service next week anyhow... nothing resolved re: ttc however , sex doesn t seem to be on our agenda at present so that solves that for now!!!!! Xxxxx
Hope u re ok? Xxxxx

AngelGeorgie thank you for sharing that with me! I feel better that others can be moms of little ones after 40! My family is wonderful, my best friends are my sisters in law and cousin in law. My DH is amazing. My two big girls are awesome but I'm feeling like I can't do much for them right now. Scared to be an empty nester as I had them very young and Blake was my first pregnancy with my DH.

I would love to hear what interventions and monitering have been reccomended or put in place for you ladies Ttc and already pg?

good evening ladies

Missamel: So sorry to meet you here and to hear that your lost your baby son Blake. Your already showing such strong character focusing on this thread so soon after your loss. For weeks I was in a daze but when I eventually found my way on here I realised that it was my lifeline. My family and friends were too, but all these wonderful ladies have sadly (and I truly wish they hadnt) lost babies/children and so they understand what we are thinking. My Beautiful boy Adam was stillborn at 38+4 days on 4/7/12...I went to hospital following reduced movement but he was already gone when we got there. We havent been given a true reason.....the consultant said she believed I had a problem with my placenta (defective placenta maturation) but the pathology report didn't point to this and also confirmed that the loss of cells from my placenta wasnt enough to kill him on its own. Sending big hugs to you and your girls. How are they coping? Do tell us more about Blake if/when you feel up to it xxxxxxx

Split: Ah the broody feelings again? I know you had such a tough time with
Freya but its amazing the way our maternal instincts take over isnt it! Sorry about the cat bill xxxxxxx

Angel: Talking of bills glad your heating is ok for now : ) You look so young. Cant believe your nearly 42! Love the Chav spotting in Blackpool thats the best bit and always a good laugh !xxxxxx

Amy: Thinking of you x

Kliene: Loved the pics of 'E's grave and the changing seasons. Your right you are an eternal optimist and I love that about you : ) Things still strained at home so no baby making attempts going on.....think I'm out this month dont think I've OV'D anyway. CBFM just showing high days (No Peak) I am on day 13.

Fan: Hope you enjoyed Wembley. Looked like a fab day you deserve it xxxx

Hope everyone else ok

Nite Nite xxxxxx

A very sad welcome to you missamel, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Blake. My DD Nancy was born at 37 + 4 on29th December 2011 but had been starved of oxygen and was too poorly to survive. She died on 31st December 2011 aged just 2 days. I can barely remember the first few months of this year, tbh. I do remember the fear that whatever had caused N's death would mean that we wouldn't be able to TTC again - luckily though that wasn't the case (there were blood clots in the placenta) and I am now 12+6 weeks pregnant again. In terms of extra monitoring, I will be consultant-led, and although I haven't seen my consultant yet this pg, she has said that I would get pretty much anything I needed for reassurance this time. I had an early scan (well 2, but the first one was too early to see anything) and will hopfully have more after the 20 week scan too.

The ladies on here are incredibly supportive, and all totally understand this whole nightmare that you have just found yourself in.

Bless you kleine - you truly are a poppet!! I did however, put 4 stone on when pregnant last time & shortly after we lost Nancy; and I have only lost 1 of them so far, so I am quite a bit heavier than I was, although weirdly only 1 1/2 clothes sizes bigger - my body is weird!! Yes I have got a bit of a bump now (I was hideously bloated for the last few weeks but that seems to have gone down a bit now), and am wearing my maternity trousers today - feel loads comfier than my work ones that I was trying to squeeze in to last week!!!

I hope everyone had enjoyable weekends - I was a total slob on Sat & didn't even get dressed, then yesterday my sis, bil & 2 nieces came round for dinner, which was fab but v v tiring!!!

Welcome missamel I am so sorry you find yourself here, your poor little Blake, it's so very unfair. It's so gutting and so sad that there are more and more of us here as time goes on, the nightmare of babyloss just doesn't stop. I do understand that absolute need to be pregnant again, I definitely felt that, I think most of us did/do. The emptiness after pregnancy when you don't have your baby is hard to put into words and I felt that being pregnant again would make me feel less empty, less desolate and less devoid of purpose. I was lucky and fell pg very quickly (it was a bit of a double edged sword at the time as Bobbie died of a toxoplasmosis infection and they were worried that I had conceived whilst possibly still fighting the infection and my next baby could be damaged by it too. Huge relief that that does not appear to be the case, but it was very scary). As you say, the subsequent pregnancy is a very harrowing time, and these ladies here are a tremendous support and a place to voice all those fears that everyone thinks are OTT or tries to get you to snap out of.

I'm glad your minister has been such a support to you. It can be better to find that support outside your family as they aren't emotionally involved in the way your own parents/inlaws are and can focus their efforts entirely on supporting and caring for you. Our minister was fantastic, and continues to be despite the fact I no longer go to church. I think the fact that they are used to facing death, funerals, grief etc means they understand and handle it so much better, not afraid to hear your blackest thoughts, or witness your pain and tears.

kleine speaks wise words about guilt. It is nothing to feel guilty about if sometimes you are unable to speak about Blake. 2 years on here, and sometimes I tell people about Bobbie, and sometimes I keep her to myself. It's self preservation really.

Keep talking to us. We'd be honoured to hear about your little boy x

elly mat clothes are just soooo comfy! With pg #2 I went into the mat jeans the day I got the positive test... so that would be at 3+4 then Think it was a psychological thing really, but def more comfortable, and could pig out in preparation for the weeks of puking I knew were about to start! Aaaw for a lovely little bump Do you get the whole bump grows during the day, seems whopping by evening and then when you wake up it is almost gone again?? I was baffled by that, but apparently it's water retention as the day goes on. Hope you are feeling well.

kleine just wanted to say how wonderful you are, so much wisdom and always considerate thoughts and insightful comments to all of us. I love your posts

angel that is exactly what I think, re your comment "should I be grateful for what I have and not start chasing something that may not happen". It's like a gigantic pandora's box. If you take the lid off and go for it, you can never go back. And I worry (about everything!!) but I worry that I would be heartbroken to ttc and never get another live DC, but if I just do not ttc and stop here it would be fine as it would be my choice - ultimately the outcomes are the same, no more DC, but one would be full of heartache and disappointment and one would just be "this is what I chose". Found myself going daft over newborn clothes in Sainsburys this weekend whilst buying Freya some wellies. It's interesting that you are having the same thoughts though. Good luck deciding.

Back on a food theme, I tried another MNetter's recipe for gammon and it was fabulous. Massive lump of gammon, 250g brown sugar, put in slow cooker all day, turn occasionally. Voila. I am starving all the time, eating loads, and still cannot maintain my weight. It is getting ridiculous now, am only 9st and 5ft9! Pre pg weight was nearly 10st and that was sensible. I can only assume it is the breastfeeding but actually it's a bit alarming to not be able to stop shrinking

welcome to missamel from here too. No person advice on at home monitors, but I am aware you can buy Dopplers to do heartbeat checks at home - some people find them comforting, others worry when they don't always hear heartbeats, but I understand that is usually because the equipment is not being used the right way.

Like angel, I am 40+, and naturally conceived my beautiful red-headed Mia at 40. Sadly, she died totally unexpectedly almost exactly a year ago, at the age of 13 months, and we have just been through her inquest. I am now 34 weeks pg with her little sibling (again, naturally), and the ladies here help enormously in dealing with the fear and joy I experience on a daily basis. There is also another thread here for 40+women seeking to conceive, and again, with lots of useful advice and support if you want it.

So - quick update from me. I have packed my hospital bag, as my mother refused to go home until I had, and even bought me all kinds of things for me and baby to incentivise me to do so! But I really couldn't until Mia's anniversary had passed, and she understood that. And today, I did think I might need it, as I had pains down my left side which wouldn't go away. Cue a morning at the hospital being monitored and scanned and checked. Baby is fine, and moving madly, but no sign of any real explanation why, apart from from perhaps my muscles around my c-section scar protesting about baby weight. Which was a huge relief... Baby is apparently 2.8kg already and has a very porky little tummy!!

Great news mias, although not about the pain, but the baby moving & being a good weight already! Well done for packing your hospital bag too - very sensible of your Mum!!

fan, how was the game yesterday? I hope you are still feeling positive xx

green, I'm so sorry I didn't ask how you are doing. I hope you have managed to rest this weekend xxx

Hi. Just popping on to welcome missamel although sorry that you find yourself here. The ladies on here have been a fantastic support. I lost my little Daisy at 20 weeks in June this year due to unknown causes. My waters just broke and although she was still alive, there was nothing they could do but induce me and she was too little to survive.

I am now 6+4 weeks pregnant and am absolutely knackered all the time! Got my scan date through for 12 week scan (if I make it) which is 7th December. Still waiting to hear from consultant. Presume I will have my booking in appt with them instead of midwife as should be on consultant led care but not sure - does anyone know?

Glad all is well mias.

Hope everyone is ok and has had good weekends.

A very quick wave to everyone and a sad welcome to MISSAMEL, I'm so sorry you find yourself with us, but we are a lovely bunch! My daughter Merryn died at six days old, after a failed op. to remove a tumour. We miss her terribly. I have two wonderful boys, aged 10 and 5, and we are trying for our rainbow. At the moment I am just coming to the end of a MC, I should have been 10 weeks. I also had two MCs before Merryn. I am 39.

Re what intervention I would have in future preg, I am on high dose Folic acid, and would be on baby asprin again from BFP. I would also have extra scans from 11 weeks. I would also have a BP monitor for me at home, as Merryns complications led to a type of PE that was very dangerous for me too. Most of these interventions are just for my peace of mind, as what happened with Merryn was 'just bad luck'. Hope this helps..... I too knew I wanted to try again straight after loosing Merryn, and don't feel I can do much about this, it's a very strong need in me.

Wave to everyone else, (need to do boys baths/ showers and stories). J back in London, but home tommorow evening and then off for the rest of week!! I'm exhausted, but I think MC must be calming down, so hopefully not too much more to put up with. Will catch up when boys asleep! Thinking of us all! Xxxx