TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

I honestly believe if the worst comes to the worst for any of us and it didn?t happen, then I am sure we would all be alright. I really believe that being stuck in limbo is more difficult to deal with than being given a final outcome. Human beings are generally very resilient creatures and can learn to cope with the hand we are dealt. At the moment, we swing from hope to despair, to constant feelings of worry and fear for the future. We don?t know whether to grieve or to keep hoping. This doesn?t particularly help me in the now , it doesn?t stop the anger, the bitterness and jealousy that likes raising its ugly head but I am sure we will all be ultimately fine.

Euro ? it?s very odd about the weight gain. Perhaps you should get your thyroid tested? It does seem to be problem after problem and i find that incredibly scary that the ivf drugs will have messed with your pituary gland. Here?s hoping it?s not the case.

Princess ? it took me a good 3 months to get over the withdraw affects of leaving FB. It really was the best thing I did. Even if I have babies, I don?t intend to ever go back on there to upload ?look at me and my babies? photos. I would feel too much like a hypocrite. I have also weaned myself off the online DM ? 5 days and counting...which feels just as good as leaving FB!

Sarlat ? I never get pains after ovulation really. It?s so difficult to know what is going on.

Lemon ? it must be a great feeling. I wonder what you would feel if a good friend told you they were pregnant now. I am interested to know whether that awful gut wrenching feeling goes immediately once you?re up diffed. Anyway, look after yourself and little lemon(s)!

Rabbit ? Dr Big does sound lovely and what a positive change to hear a big doc with compassion.

Nelly ? I sleep on my tummy and I often wonder whether I am killing any fertilised embies...madness.

Joy interesting re how we will react when pregnant to announcements. I feel a bit like this with weddings. I did my time as a girlfriend and fiance, yet some friends got married very quickly and I felt a bit peaved that they didn't have to wait as long. I guess I have a 1 - 10 scale for weddings as well as pregnancies. That said, 2 years into marriage I'm not at all bothered by quick announcements as we're very happy and I've seen so many quick weddings I don't give a toot any more I am also envious of the cooing over the engagement ring and wish it was me all over again Maybe the same with babies?

I think joy after yesterday's result, I believe it might actually be true. Now the jealousy has lifted a fair bit. I have not felt the need to avoid the downstairs (heavily pregnant) neighbour. In fact, I nearly congratulated her boyfriend when I saw him (and then thought that would be weird as he has no belly). I do still feel bitter, twisted, shit-scared about miscarriage or waking up and finding it was a dream.

joy I'm travelling for the next 3 weeks but planning to get my thyroid tested when I am back if I still feel porky. Mind you, 3 weeks of restaurant dinners might distort things a bit!

Joy you are so right it's the not knowing that's hard. That was sort of what I was alluding to re my hobble being sick. TTC is hard because you can't quite give up hope. Despite my awful prognosis, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still expecting to actually have a baby of my own one day. I don't know when I'll draw the line that allows me to move on. Maybe I never will? But I know there will come a time when I enjoy life properly again and that TTC stops being my main thought every day. In some ways, I'm looking forward to that day. But it's not here yet.

Blimey, lots of talk.

Euro My weight gain was ridiculously rapid too. After 3 days of Clomid I had gone up over a dress size - madness. My consultant said water retention is the likely culprit but the weight hasn't shifted & I am fatter in the face too, so I don't know. I feel your pain about the clothes situation. I literally have two pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts that fit. I was saying to MrP last night how I am thoroughly pissed off with now being barren AND fat.
I have the fear too that taking drugs that mess with the balance of hormones night irrevocably mess things up. Maybe testing your thyroid might be a good thing. MrP reckons that the standard thyroid test is bollocks if you have autoimmune issues????

critter What actually are chilli dogs?

Rabbits I like your consultant, the idea of a mini bereavement each cycle is very compelling and is probably the best way I have heard longterm TTC described.

Heart Hi and sorry you are in the tent! Like you it feels a little like grieving for a child that isn't here, maybe the best way I can describe it is wanting to meet my child so badly and hold it and smell it's head.

nelly I like your idea about a general chat thread. While it is wonderful that people get to graduate from this thread it is sad too to lose touch.
Can I ask you about the aspirin thing? What dose do you take and on what cycle days?
I agree with you about fearing laying on my death bed and feeling like I have wasted fifteen years in TTC misery/limbo. at the pets thing. I adore my furry babies but that said if we remain childless I don't think I will get any more pets. I would want to be totally foot loose and fancy free IYSWIM.

Sarlat Thank you for your kind words. You made so much sense and your words words truly were a comfort. Lots of love & gratitude to you for that.

BTW the age thing sometimes crosses my mind. MrP is 41 and I do the maths quite a lot. I really do think though that age is a state of mind.

joy Grieve or keep hoping and going? That is the mental battle isn't it.
I know what you mean about outwardly saying all the right things. As for treatment I feel guilty about all the money spent on me so much so that I am reluctant to go to the GP about anything else now.

Princess Glad that you are cheerier and enjoying your new house, I am very envious of tile & sofa shopping!
BTW your description of a typical cycle was so well put.
My uterus is acutely anteverted as discovered on my lap and hy wootsit. When I pushed my consultant on it she snorted and said it was irrelevant. I can't see that it is and any odd shape must cause some obstacle for sperm.

MrP showed me an article yesterday that said sperm can trigger ovulation.

Hello to biscuits. How are you? It's so nice to have you back fleetingly! How is your lovely bubba?

lemons I am so glad you are so happy. I did smile when you said you worry that it feels like a dream

Update at this end is that my AF started last night. Clomid starts today (this would be classed as Day 2 right?) While I have got the familiar feelings of doom and thoughts that I am fucked on the baby making front I actually feel a bit relieved that the mentalling can officially stop.

Oh no pout that's rubbish. Buggeration. I really hoped this was your month . .

I am taking 75mg daily. I'd been a bit hit or miss up to now, but so far my resolve is holding out. I'm taking it all cycle as I believe a) eggs have a 90 day cycle and b) it can help with implantation too? I may not be basing that on scientific research though!

I have been having noticeable pain on my left side since last night. So maybe reflexology really has Had an impact . It's a bit early as only CD8 but we started shag week last night anyway. We have agreed to a shagfest this cycle, including multiple attempts the day before and of ovulation. Sigh.

Ps would today not be cd1? I thought TCOYF says its only day 1 if it starts before 3pm. Not sure if same is true for your purposes though!

Nelly am shuddering at the thought of shagfests!

I read that eggs have a three month cycle too. Must be true!

Bollocks at the confusion over CD1....I might have to start a thread to canvas opinions. I hadn't heard about the whole starting after 3pm not counting as CD1 before.

Are you getting heartburn with the aspirin?

Pout and Nelly I have just read this 3pm thing on another thread? Why does the female cycle start and end at 3pm I wonder? I would have thought we just synched with other well used calenders and the 24 hour clock Pout if you start something I'll come and join you. I too am If this rule gives me a longer luteal phase I'll be mucho happy. I've been taking 75mg of aspirin on and off for the past couple of weeks and it doesn't give me heart burn.

Pout I just read that article on the Daily M*$l about sperm protein causing ovulation. It seemed a little spurious to me. Still what do I know? This line did make me chuckle tho

For this latest study, the team looked at two species: llamas and cattle. Llamas are 'induced ovulators,' that is, they ovulate only when they have been inseminated. Cows - and humans - are 'spontaneous ovulators,' meaning that a regular buildup of hormones stimulates the release of an egg In particular the sentence cows - and humans. I can think of a few cows who are spontaneous ovulators and spontaneous updiffed's. lemons and ladygee and my bestie excluded

No heartburn that I've noticed? And I even went running after a can of coke on Saturday (before my body became a temple ). I'm not prone to heartburn though. Or indeed anything as I'm annoyingly healthy with the one obvious exception.

Bollocks have also just realised that today is only Wednesday, so it's only CD7. And now I'm panicking there will be no swimmers left by egg laying day

nelly I get heartburn if I take aspirin for migraine...maybe I can just drink Gaviscon by the gallon like my Mum does to counteract the white wine box intake!

Princess I have started a thread. I'm already more confused by the only response!

at bovine spontaneous ovulators

If you drink gaviscon, people will ask if you're pregnant. Grrr.

I'm still being semi healthy. But I'm having a negative moment. But trying to channel the comment up thread (from heart?) Why Not Me??? You know, IVF doesn't scare me, but failing at it does. Please please please can I have an ironic updiff so I can stick 2 fingers up to the miserable twat of a doctor, and save myself the worry of whether I'll grow enough eggs. And save a shitload of cash too. Please??? .

Oh Meh. Back into the Tent I go.

I was just having a quick lurk and had to pop in to say congratulations to Lemon and belated congratulations to ladygee! So glad that thread 9 has done you proud. Hope it does just as well for the other 10+ monthers.

pout I'm so sorry that AF started, it must have been incredibly stressful waiting for it to arrive and hoping. Hope you're ok, and good luck with this round of Clomid. A chilli dog is a hot dog with a dollop of chili con carne ladled over it, like a big dollop of ketchup. You can get them with fried onions and cheese and mustard. So wrong, but yet so right.

princess good luck! I am so rooting for this to be your month. It's lovely to have you back! And very interesting about the brown diet.

lemon your news has given me such a boost. It's totally wonderful and it gives me hope. I'm sorry it's been such a long road for you. Sending positive thoughts to little Lemon (kumquat? suppose that's more of a small orange) from across the Atlantic.

teu glad you are still here and so sorry you're having a tough time. My DH isn't much of a talker either. To the extent that one of his wedding vows to me was 'I promise to share more' (meaning share in the American, let's-talk-about-our-feelingsy sense). I play a game called 'poking the bear with a stick' where I badger him and badger him and eventually he talks.

euro that amount of weight gain doesn't sound fun at all. I agree that it might be worth getting your thyroid checked out, and that the downregging sounds like it could have screwed up your internal balance.

nelly sorry you're back in the tent. Big hug. I hope you'll get an ironic BFP before the IVF.

sarlat those symptoms sound confusing - I would be mentalling. Gah.

joyce I am the same about speaking one thing and thinking another to people. It's definitely a defence mechanism. If you say everything is fine, then noone will probe too much (at least that's my theory) and you can avoid the whole 'have you tried ovulation sticks' etc helpful advice.

buzzy I'm sending positive thoughts for a little embie to settle in. Bring on the next walrus!

Sorry to miss so many of you. Nothing exciting to report here, last night of Clomid tonight and then I'll be looking forward to my scan on Monday and urging my slothful follicles to grow another egg for me.

delurks briefly lemons a massively well earned congratulations. I'm so pleased for you. Two hard earned BFPs in a short time on here. Was a little ray of sunshine into my little black hole of anxiety and worry. Makes upcoming IUI #3 seem more bearable too. Hope you keep happy and healthy xx

Wow lemon so pleased for you. A thoroughly deserved win. Fingers crossed all goes smoothly for you.

Grr phone is so crap for posting, have to re-type every word 4 times.

Pout sorry for bfn, here's to this month being your turn.

Waves and luck to all in shag week.

Will have to post more when I get internet back. Am ok, bit in and out the tent.

pout I was told by NLC that its after 6pm really spern can cause ovulation??? Sorry ERTD has started :(

teubig hugs hope you feel better soon. what about medically?? What investigations have they offered you, sorry Mr Teu isn't doing his bit. A good meltdown can't hurt and he does need to get his end tested, I know Mr B wasn't keen

sar it amazes me that all the people offering me an 'ear' and 'advice' all have bloody kids, but in fairness to her I didn't tell her that I was stressed with TTC and high as a kite on the drugs.
I too am 4dpo and I have also had funny pains, especially on my left side, quite sharp at times, I think its trapped wind but who knows, I had it last month too.

joycep I'll happily send on the lucky OPK's She said she felt guilty that she had a BFP and I didn't, I didn't want to tell her that I use 3 different kinds of OPK's already

princess I can sympathise on the pooping front, I was a bit bunged up and dehydrated on the weekend but didn't want to strain as I didn't want to push loose Mr B's sperm I have a tilted uterus, love it when sonographers make me bridge during fanny cam Mr B's sperm didn't used to get lost but now wonder if the sat nav is broken

heart I find FB great for keeping in touch with friends back home/overseas, I just choose who news feeds I see. I always think if you have to go on about how amazing your life/family are then it obviously isn't and you are trying to convince yourself not others :)

doll at Mr Doll and the walnut ice cream and morning sex

nelly I was advised to take the aspirin everyday

critter thank you for the vibes, I'm kind of feeling under pressure for it to work

well still feel tearful from time to time MIL keeps emailing me telling me I've been very quiet and am I ok I'm quiet because I'm ignoring you!!!
I'm trying to prepare myself for it not working, so please plump up a cushion for me, Mr B keeps talking about when 'junior' is here, he really thinks its going to work wish I felt so positive. Oh arse talking about FB, a few months ago I sent a message to bitch boss as she was likely to lose her baby, she has now 6 months later sent me a response claiming she has only just got my message now i'll have to bloody respond

Sorry for the arrival of AF pout.

The weight gain is really disoncerting. I've been a stable weight all my adult life, give or take half a stone or so. I've never piled it on like this. :(

Critter I'm laughing at "poking the bear with a stick". I'm a bit like that with my mum. But me and the mister are peacemakers with one another.

I found myself wondering today whether the weird pink blood and "spaciness" that I had with what I think was a chem preg two and a half years ago before we properly started ttc might be the nearest I ever get to pregnancy. I wish I had taken more notice of it! At the time I was a bit in two minds as I really didn't want to be preggo at my wedding, so when it didn't work out I wasn't too bothered but if I had known that would be my only chance....

Thanks for the delurking congrats frannie. I really hope things will go well for your nephew and hurrah for making you more positive about the IUI. It was my FOURTH (and I had given up all hope of this making a difference, if you were lurking you might have seen I actually hit one of my lowest patches around this IUI). Thanks also to you care. I really appreciated the "deservedness" you mentioned, because I have been feeling like I could not deserve to be this happy. Waking up smiling about 5 times a night and not getting back to sleep and sharing this with DH.

So sorry about the teflon embies and womble cramps, euro. I actually always visualised my womb as a well oiled slide...

I have a bit of a visual imaginations, so have in my mind's eye Critter poking a bear-man with a massive stick, and euro doing the same with her mum. IN my imagination critter's worse half is huge, a bit hairy, bit quite shy looking. Whereas euro's mum is a tiny little old lady

Keeping stuff crossed for you buzzy, you never know MrB might be right! I hope to see you in my golden tent, plenty of space and the cushions are fluffed and fresh lemon cake on offer. A delivery of the latter and all the nice wine I ordered in a sod this TTC impulse in July to the marquee of doom. So sorry.

Morning everyone

again for Lemon! Hurrah for confirmation and hope everything goes smoothly from now on. It's about time the universe looked your way!

Nelly thanks for the considered reply re HSG and private appts. I'm not going to pursue the HSG any further this cycle - just don't have the strength for any more arguments with receptionists - but I will see the consultant again before my next AF so will berate him then and try to get something sorted for next month. If I can't i should have time to arrange to get it done privately. I'm at the cost of your AMH especially as it has caused so much stress!

Teu sorry about the meltdown. It sounds like your situation is difficult enough without the added stress of TTC.

Frannie nice to see you delurk as well, best of luck with IUI no. 3.

Buzzy if your bitch boss ignored your email for 6 months I reckon you can do the same How are you feeling? I hope the rest of the 2ww passes quickly for you.

Joyce at the nuts. I do the Jekyll & Hyde thing too.

Rabbit I like the sound of your plan, especially not going near hospitals for the rest of the year . And what amazing perceptiveness from your consultant. A mini bereavement every month - yes, that's exactly what it's like.

Sarlat i've never had the post-ov cramping etc you describe. Helpful how our bodies throw out random symptoms to confuse us How are you getting on with the Mayan woo? Do you think it's helping?

Princess well done on leaving fb. I have hidden so many people I might as well do the same. I am too at the woodland wedding preg announcement even though i've never met them! I heard about another yesterday - baby due a week after the first wedding anniversary. How do these people do it. Maybe I should get married. Though that idea may freak Mr A out as much as the prospect of twins My next consultant appt is mid-September, yes i seem to recall we're on a similar timescale. your questions sound very sensible. I'm not sure what I want to ask really, except 'when can I have the frigging HSG'... i think this appointment will last all of 5 minutes and mainly involve filling in forms for the IVF list. He's made it very clear in the past that they don't have anything else to offer me.

Pout, Critter, Euro, I had clomid-induced weight gain too, though it was more gradual than yours Pout. I think there were 2 factors: 1) I had a swollen tummy, presumably because my poor ovaries were in overdrive, and 2) I had PMT-style hunger and food cravings all the time. Normally I get extra hungry before AF and crave sweet things for a couple of days but for the past 5 months i've been permanently starving. It's been weird this last couple of weeks to get to 11am and not feel like I'm about to faint. The good news is now i've stopped clomid the extra weight is starting to come back off. It does make you feel crap though. There is nothing worse than looking in the mirror and seeing what could be mistaken for a baby bump when you can't actually get pregnant.

I had a wake-up realisation yesterday that time really is running out. We have been trying for 2.5 years now - getting on for 30 cycles - and nothing since the mc last March. I only have 14 more cycles to go before I hit 40. I haven't got time to piss about. So when i've got over the blind terror this realisation has induced I'm going to ring the private clinic and see if I can make an appointment for the week after our NHS one. I am going to have to get my head around the prospect of IVF. joycep and Nelly you're right, the woo needs to be an accompaniment to the main dish. I'm terrified but I feel marginally better having accepted that I need to take action.

I just wish I could get a bit more any support from MrA. I explained this plan to him last night. He said nothing for a few minutes then informed me that time can't be running out because his friend at work knows somebody who got pregnant at 42 therefore I am being overly pessimistic. I nearly threw my BBT thermometer at his head. I don't know if he is genuinely this thick blase or just doesn't want to admit that we have a problem because it's his fault responsibility that we didn't start trying properly until we were both the wrong side of 35. There is an IVF info evening at the NHS clinic the same evening as our next appointment and he actually asked if he should come with me. I'm now wondering if assault and battery would help me relieve some of my stress

So I'm still in the marquee of doom, though I have taken the liberty of decorating it with fairy lights, sparkly knobs, glitterball, comfy sofas and installing a cocktail cabinet smoothie bar

Heh. I think my mum might object to that description, drizz. She's 5'7 and a young 60! She's also a Scorpio with a fiery temper, hence the stick poking.

Artemis I am at your man. He really doesn't get it, does he?

Just popping in to say hi. I've been reading the Fred but no time to post. I'm still in the marquee not helped by a sick fur baby. I'm so worried about her, I don't know how we'd cope with a real sick baby!

lemons so pleased everything is well with the 'twins'. Such super news.

buzzy fx for you. I really do hope your DH is right and this is your month. And ta for the email address.

joy your nuts comments made me and well done mr doll on voluntarily eating walnuts. We too have had an argument about them. Think mr gin is now like bring on the donor sperm so I don't have to live by this mad woman's rules!

Joy we had the only 2 remaining embies at day 3 put back in, so don't have any frozen. This is why I'm so convinced the sperm is crap and will never work.

rabbit yay for nice consultant and he (and heart) is so right about the bereavement thing, particularly after the ivf.

pout so sorry about ertd. I really did hope this was your month.

critter good luck for the scan!

Welcome back princess! Urgh, even I was horrified by woodland weddings updiffedness. My cousin had her baby this week. She's about 5 years younger than me, been married just under a year and used one of my baby names, bitch. I keep meaning to hide certain people from my FB feed, but wouldn't leave completely. I already feel distanced from my friends by this whole thing and would feel even more so sans FB.

euro I've been shedding lots of hair the last month, stupid amounts in fact, so was wondering about my thyroid too, but it could be a hormonal or stress thing and can't be arsed with another blood test. It seems to be a bit better now. Maybe your weight will sort itself out, once your hormones are all in sink again.

sar I get funny pains from about 7 days post ov too. Never noticed them pre ttc.

Hi to artemis, teu, care and all you other lovely ladies. Sorry for crap catch up, but want to post something quickly to say hi moan

X post artemis. I would def recommend dragging mr a along to some clinic open days. It finally got mr gin engaged with it all, made him realise there's no time to spare (although we did have an argument the other night as he thinks we should do next ivf after Xmas, when I'm like almost 6 months older and less fertile), and he also gave up booze after one talk about how bad it is for sperms!

I like the sound of the perked up marquee. I may add a corner and some carriots for my fur baby, so I can keep an eye on her :)

Morning all,

Artemis sorry about Mr A and here to hold your hand when you make that call, albeit virtually. I am at him for you. I've thrown things at Mr P in temper (and most recently my iPad at the floor). I find that a converse trainer is the most satisfying projectile. Funny you should mention the private clinic thing, as I have been researching private clinics this morning. I typed "private fertility clinic" into the google box and the "I'm feeling lucky" thing popped up. I can confirm Google, that no, I am not feeling lucky and please will you just search properly.

Frannie nice to see you are still around, sort of, at least we know your presence is with us :)

Euro I'm sure you will get to experience pregnancy. Maybe not right now, but you will get there. When are you seeing Dr G again?

Buzzy loving Mr Bs positivity, FX for you. Nearly half way through the 2ww. I agree with Artemis, ignore your boss' email, for at least 6 months anyway!

Nelly sorry you got hit with the negativity stick yesterday. Hope you are feeling better this morning.

Well, this morning I am feeling murderous. I've been kept up all night by squawking sea gulls, the noisiest delivery van pulled up under our windows at 8am as I was trying to read the paper and eat breakfast (in peace) and took half an hour to unload bottles and bottles and heavy clanky things, a car / shop alarm has been going off for the past hour, I'm living in cardboard box city with moving happening on Saturday, I've been informed that I can't take my TV to the PILs as there is no TV ariel socket in DH's old bedroom (which means watching telly that DIL likes and at a very low volume and he will moan about all the crap we watch - still excuse to load up the kindle and read lots over the next month) and well, it's 2 DPO and I just want to know if it's worked or not. In this mood, I'm convinced it hasn't worked. I am not chilled or relaxed and apparently these are the only factors for successful diffage. Cycle 22 written off. And the thought of SWI at the in-laws next month is filling me with dread especially as I've been informed that we may not have a double bed in DH's old room because of a 'space issue' Give me strength. I was struggling with the thought of a double over our usual king size (I need to star fish to sleep) On that note the alarm has stopped and the sky is blue and well it's 2 DPO so there must be a tiny bit of hope buried in my vessel of doom.

Waves to you all. Hope it's a good positive day for all :)