Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Check the FB page, there is new rainbow news !

Oooh, hot choc with cream! Am doing low-carb diet but I could have unsweetened cocoa with cream if I send DH to the shop to buy cocoa...

Shakey, how lovely to hear from you! Lots of love to you and Grace and Rose. I'm so sorry that you're struggling atm. Can I ask, how is Rose sleeping? I find all my most negative moments tend to happen when Maia has been going through a bad sleep phase - when she was getting up 5 or 6 times a night about a month ago I was almost literally suicidal. I think the trouble is that when you are exhausted then your mind starts to play on the negatives in your life, and sadly we have some serious negatives to contend with. Not that our babies were negative, on the contrary, but having to learn to live without them is, very much so. I kept either bursting into tears or having to resist tears, continually. I'm going through a happier cycle at the moment, with constant thoughts of Thea and some sadness, but nothing like the misery I was going through a few weeks ago. Maia's now only getting up 2-4 times a night and it makes things much easier.

Green, I'm not offended at all - I was a total mess during pg! It didn't help that the nuchal score at 13 weeks came back with a 1:10 risk of Down's, I had an amnio at 16 weeks which luckily came back clear and I didn't miscarry afterwards, and then at the 20 week scan we discovered that one of Maia's kidneys hadn't developed properly. God, it was horrible. I think I would have been a mess anyway, but all that stuff definitely didn't help.

Thanks spilt - I just happened to come online now and what lovely timing that was - such wonderful news.

Sorry that I don't have time to name-check today, except to say hi to shakey and I am so sorry to hear about Grace, and also how you are struggling despite the preciousness of your little Rose. It's just hard, plain old hard, all of this, isn't it... I hope you keep on posting again, as it can be so helpful just to write things down and read other people's reactions; it is for me, at least, and I do so hope it will be for you.

We are off to our first Sands meeting tonight. So, basically, I am cheating on you lot Am hopeful of meeting some nice, local people. Am having a few teary, difficult days at the moment, as anticipated after my happier week last week, and am feeling somewhat abandoned by my friends (they ARE trying, well some of them are, but everyone is so busy, and at this stage I just can't do the 'let's put this date next month into the diary' thing that we normally do. And then the rest of them don't know what to say, so they've gone off radar...). It's so damn isolating, this, isn't it? If I had E with me, I'd have met tons of new people during the past four months, but because she died, our friendship circle has shrunk dramatically for the moment. Ugh.
In other news, according to my temp chart I am now officially 3 DPO, ie, I really DID ovulate!! I am not expecting a normal cycle, or anything, but it's progress...

kleine I feel dumped!
Seriously though, well done for going, I hope you meet some people you can talk to xx
And whoop for definitely ovulating!

spilt It's not you, it's me....

I hope your Sands meeting was ok kleine, I've still not been able to go to our local group.

kleine so it seems we have an 'open relationship' then?! Seriously, hope you found the meeting useful.

green echoing the others here about the impossible feelings we have to deal with - grief for our angels, hope for our rainbows. It is very hard. I also went through a very odd time, and barely wanted to acknowledge this pg in the beginning, as I found the need for hope all so terrifying, as I couldn't believe something good might be possible. I still sometimes think that way. Now the baby is moving, that emotion is easier to deal with, but I fully expect that in the last few weeks, my anxiety will appear very strongly once more.

And I also want to thank spilt, too, whatever and shaky for sharing your feelings as you continue to mourn your lost children despite the joy given to you by your rainbows. It is important to know, I think. I am very grateful, as it does give me an insight into what to expect. That sounds incredibly selfish of me, but please know that selflessly baring all your emotional turmoil is very, very helpful.

Off to plant snowdrops tomorrow with a local bereaved parents' group. I hope this sunshine lasts.

Oh barf. I appear to have either got a bug or poisoned myself. At any rate, D&V for the weekend. Lovely Feel very weak.

kleine how was the meeting?

miasmummy not selfish at all, I do think having some idea what to expect is helpful for any hard situation (for me anyway). And tbh none of us are being selfless, just talking in one of the few places we know there will be understanding.

Thanks all... we had a good time at the meeting last night (although you will always be my first love - ok? ). Such sadness, but so good to share. Met some ladies who I think will become friends, and DH requested meetings with other husbands, so it was a productive evening. elly based on last night I would really recommend going if you wanted to, but if it's just not your thing then of course don't. For me, meeting local mums in the same position was just invaluable; three of us there lost babies within six weeks of each other, so are at a very similar stage.

spilt so sorry you're poorly my love. Yuck. Get well very soon. I hope you're being well looked after by DH and Freya?

mias I may be wrong, but am thinking that it's already time for Mia's inquest next week. I can't imagine what it's like trying to 'prepare' yourselves, but please know I'm thinking of you, and will be, for the time ahead. Please give that lovely rainbow bump of yours a pat from me, too x

I hope you feel better soon spilt, D&V is horrid, I had it a few weeks ago - bug going around here.

So pleased it was useful kleine, I have made friends already with a few ladies locally who have also lost babies so I feel like I have good rl support already. Very helpful for DH to be able to talk to other dads who have lost DCs too. I'm just not sure about it tbh, I've never really liked group situations at the best of times never mind in this situation. Will see though.

Hi all;; love to all having a crap time. Ibiza , well fab apart from Phebs ending up in hospital!!! She travelled fine, bit grizzly the first night put it down to teething & tiredness. This progressed to her not sleeping at night, sleeping loads in the day, not eating & vomitting . We took her to see the dr on Mon am he diagnosed either Bronchilitis due to a chest infection or virus?? Prescribed her AB & a ventolin inhaler. Within 24 hours she was vomitting & not taking any oral fluids. The rep was crap, first choice were crap as we rung them to see if we could get an earlier flight home however , we were told we'd have to pay for flights ourselves & it's the closing week in Ibiza so no flights to be had... Cue; the dr admitting her to a medical clinic & admitted overnight. Her chest x ray fine, blood tests all nad so was diagnosed with
a " big virus" ... No drip as couldn t cannula te her... We stayed over night she had some pro-bioitics for her stomach then a bland diet of potatoes & carrots. She didn t sleep all that night in hospital as teething +++ so we all got to sleep at 06:30 then were discharged from hospital at 09:30!!!
Dr was fab & gave us his private number for her to be re-admitted if required but was all so scarey. I could see the potential for her condition worsening & felt incredibly powerless & trapped as the rep wouldn t help us. Luckily my insurance covered her in pt stay however , we spent a fortune on medications, drs appts, taxis etc...( though will claim it back) . We spent the first 2-3 days trapped in our appt as Phebs either vomitting or asleep ... So scarey worrying about money when you re attending hospital. I loved the NHS before but I really appreciate it now...to not have to worry about money when it's the last concern you should have.
So after been discharged on we'd & making up for lost sleep we had a fab 2.5 days!!! Phebs loved the discos & stayed up to 11 at night enjoying the music , chilled at the pool in the day , stuck to a bland diet as the dr recommended & was an angel again flying home today..
Hotel, food, weather, people & staff were all fabulous could have just done with another week to make up for lost time!!!
We re putting a complaint in against the rep who knew Phebs was ill & had been an in pt but never once contacted us or offered any assistance. Luckily Ant speaks some Spanish I, a little but could still have offered some help etc...,
So, want quite the relaxing week we hoped for however, we ve come through yet another challenge... At first we vowed not to take her back abroad to she was 5/6 as too scarey but now I think it's another scare we ve come through & survived. My girl's a toughie!!!
I ve been in touch with work & off to Thirs ( we'd was my day off anyhow as Georgie's bday) for us to rest up..,
All home now , all well just shattered. Love to all xxxx
Have I missed anything????
Btw: Ant & I ok ish .., working through stuff & was lovely to relax , chill & spend time together as a family ... ( when not in hospital!!!!) xxxx

Oh gosh angel, that must have been so scary - I'm so pleased Phebs is feeling better and that you did get a bit of time to relax and spend time together. Its good that you & Ant were able to chat about things too, I hope that you are able to sort things out. I'm sorry your holiday included so much stress, worry & drama, such an absolute nightmare in a foreign country. Rubbish rep as well - its good that you're going to make a complaint about him, afterall that's what they are there for, isn't it? To help if anything happens?

How is everyone today? We went to a local village that has illuminations every year with some friends & their kids - it was really lovely, had a chippy tea, saw the illuminated boats on the river and I had a gorgeous hot choc with cream & marshmallows! We told them about being of as they had already guessed because of me not drinking! Very pleased for us though and understand the worry & scariness too.

angel my goodness - I'm so glad that Phebs is ok - but it sounds horribly, horribly stressful. You definitely deserve a few extra days off work; I hope you can relax a little. Also, so glad to hear that you and Ant have been talking about stuff xx

elly that sounds like such a lovely day out. I'm quite jealous! It's lovely that your friends were supportive when you told them about the pregnancy. And it's good to hear that you have bereaved mum friends in real life too. Well, not 'good', but ykwim!! Every little ounce of support is so crucial, isn't it.
How are you feeling these days - still knackered? Any other fun pg symptoms?!

Love to all, hope all your weekends have been good? Beautiful sunny day here, or at least it was earlier, and we had a lovely walk.

Angel, how scary! So glad Phoebs is ok. Glad you and Ant are working through things, though. Love to you with the 10th looming.

Spilt, oh no for being ill! Hope you get better v soon. Thinking of you too, lovey - is Bobbie's birthday the 9th, did you say?

Today is my birthday, so have had a lovely day with DH waiting on me hand and foot! Went to visit Thea and took her some flowers. DH wrote me a card from our babies that said 'To Mummy, love from Thea and Maia xxx' - it was very sweet. I cried a little but in a happy way because Thea had been mentioned in her rightful place.

Kleine, we had a lovely walk too!

Hello everyone.

Too: Happy birthday chick hope you had a lovely day. So glad your DH included both his girls : ) in your card which is exactly how it should be. Sad as well because I wish he never had to write it in the first place and Thea was here to celebrate with you.

Angel: so sorry Phoebs was ill you must have been worried sick.....so glad everything worked out ok......you sound like you need another holiday to get over the stress. On another point though Im really pleased you and Ant seem to be ok now xxxx

Kliene: Glad you meant some RL bereaved parents.

Split: Poor you with a nasty bug. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon xxxx

Miasmummy: The weather has been nice in the Northwest so hope you had a nice time planting the snowdrops.

Elly: Your day sounds really lovely. So nice you shared your news it sounds like you have good friends in RL to support you on your rainbow journey.

Want to have a right old moan but its gonna take too long so will do another post xxxx

Love to all

Well dont want to be a moaner but my cycle is up the wall and its really getting to me.

My first AF after losing our lovely boy was 7th September after almost 10 whole weeks which felt like a lifetime. Anyway, as someone who has always been really regular I thought 'great' because at least now we can start hoping for a future rainbow after such a crappy year.

Anyway hoping for some advice if anyone can help. I always get a sign just before I ovulate (egg white sorry TMI) but I definately didnt get it around day 14 so warning bells started to ring that something still wasn't right with my cycle.
Then Thursday 27/9/12 I got 2 specs of blood and thought that seemed a bit strange followed by what appeared to be ov on Tuesday 2/10/12.

My Af didnt arrive on Thursday and I had all the symptoms cramping etc including really heavy pains in my legs (the ones you get when you know your gonna have a heavy cycle) and also a nasty pain in my bottom left groin/side.

In my heart I didnt think I was preg but when you dont come on theres always that little part of you that thinks 'COULD I BE?' all the time trying not to hope against hope iykwim.

So 3 days late and 3 neg tests later I'm defo NOT PREG and no symptoms at all.

Why is life being so cruel to us????? Isnt it enough that our boy is gone. Sorry for the depressing post but cant even calculate when to SWI now. Do you think i should take the 2 specs as being my AF on the 27th and start again. Thinking of buying one of those clear blue monitors and wondered if any of you lovely ladies have used them.

Sorry for feeling sorry for myself I should learn to be more grateful because I have already been blessed with 2 beautiful children xxxxxx

Too: just noticed the ghosts and ghoulies lol. I love halloween and so do the kids. Looking forward to Butlins in Bognor at half term. They have late nights in the fair for the kids when all the rides are lit up and the operators get dressed up in costumes and scarey face paints....they chase/scare the kids etc it's really fun. Maybe it will take my mind of everyday RL for a bit we go on the 18th October....staying in a prem inn so we dont have to spend all day traveling on the Friday. Do you get many door knockers trick or treating? xxx

I was just about to go to bed but refreshed the page before turning the computer off, and, babyh, obviously I can't leave you unanswered - I'm so sorry, poor poor you, you've been having a really rough few days. I wish it had been a BFP for you Please, please don't ever beat yourself up for finding this hard - yes, you have two beautiful living children, but they don't make up for A's death, and we all understand the need to have another little one in your arms.

I COMPLETELY get the stress about AF/cycles. I am also in a really irregular pattern now (for me it's more the opposite, I have had lots of bleeds, but given some post-birth complications, I have had no idea which were AF and which were the consequences of the operation I had to have a month after E was born. I think I have ovulated now and am waiting to see what sort of LP I have. It's so very stressful, I do understand - like you, we just want at least this one thing to be normal...).
Anyway, enough about me. Based on my own knowledge - you might have to expect some more irregularities. You might not, of course, but the stress of A's death will mean that you're producing different amounts of hormones to usual, and this might mean you're not so regular for a while. I'm not sure whether you have just had an AF; to me it sounds like maybe you didn't... (in my uneducated opinion!). Oh and I get random period pains at the moment too, not at the time of bleeding, but eg I had them during the week I ovulated... no bleeding, just pains... it's so difficult to interpret them, isn't it? I think it's just another weirdness and am trying to base my ideas of cycles on actual bleeding and temping, nothing else. (Have you thought about temping?)

I really wish I didn't need my CBFM at the mo - I'm about to start re-using it after this cycle - otherwise I would send it to you!! It's much more reliable than ovulation sticks, if you really really want to track your cycle properly. Have a look on ebay, as they are quite expensive from new (I was on there the other day after the lovely blizy's recommendation to get the CBFM sticks on there). Secondhand ones can just be re-set and then you start using them as if they were new, but you need to use it from the first day of AF.

If it helps - when we had no clue if I was cycling or not - we SWI'd every other day, just in case. Also, DH and I have decided that, if I'm irregular for a while, we're going to try to view it as extra time for my body to heal rather than getting even MORE stressed about it. I can't say I'm always successful with this, but it does help a bit.

Sorry, this was mostly about me, but I wanted to share in the hope that it might help.

too Happy Birthday to you! I am so pleased you had a nice day and that you got such a lovely birthday card from both your girls xx

Sorry, that was epic! Hope it made sense, I am knackered and off to bed...

oh thank you Kliene.....your own experience is just what I need. Sometimes I do feel incredibly selfish because I soooo want to be happy : ) Im honestly not a whinger by nature I promise. I think if I SWI every other night I will give up by the time we go to Butlins Bognor on the 18th ha ha

Time to invest in a CBFM every little helps doesnt it : )

Thank you lovely lady night night xxx

Baby, lovely, I hope you can find some peace with your cycle soon. For what it's worth, after Thea was born and my lochia stopped, I had 2 v long cycles. First was about 7 weeks. I conceived on the second cycle, but a pg test after 4 weeks was negative, as was another a week later. I finally got a BFP after 6 weeks. I can't possibly have ovulated on the 14th day - think it must have been more like the 28th! I don't know what was going on and if it would have eventually settled down if I hadn't got pg.

I love Halloween too! We didn't get any trick or treaters the last 2 years because we live in the middle of nowhere, but I now know one set of neighbours and so their kids might come this year. I must remember to lay in some sweeties just in case. I am going to a Halloween party at a friend's, so need to make costumes for myself and Maia. I'm thinking Alice in Wonderland and the Cheshire Cat...

Too: Thank you so much birthday girl : ) its hard not to get your hopes up only to get a neg test isnt it. Gonna have a birthday drink for you in a bit (any excuse ha ha) might as well have a little glass of wine since Im not preg!

Thank yourself lucky about those knockers the scouse ghosties and ghoulies knock by the minutes it costs us a fortune in sweets. We normally have a party with about 20 kids and the children who knock start asking to come in as well lol their chaperones/mums always look embarressed when they ask!!!

Alice and the Cheshire Cat sounds fab xxxx

Thanks all.
Too happy birthday sounds like a fab day xxx
Split a crap few days for us? Hope u re feeling better? Love & cuddles to our Rainbows on their birthdays ... Are you doing anything? We re going to Georgie's special place with some flowers taking Phebs then our to tea to celebrate her day. Instead of us all buying flowers I ve asked my family to donate money to SANDS ...bless ourBobbie & Georgie xxxx
Kleine thanks v much xxx how are you?
Babyh sorry you re feeling crap life is unbearable at times isn t it? Some people seem to sail through life without any crap whereas some of us have enough for 3 people ... It's so unfair ... My bro would land in a vat of shi* & coming up smelling of roses!!! Hope u feel a little brighter soon xxx
Elly a lovely day you ve had? Glad you ve supportive friends , I ve found a lot of mine a godsend in the past 2-3 years xxx how many weeks are you now? Xxx
Hi all; Phebs great today but I ve now got stomach cramps & diarrhoea!!! Pls next time I mention taking a holiday someone shoot me!!!! Could be either an infection or I took some AB yesterday for infected Mosquito bites ( my r foot has swollen due to the same) then I developed rip roaring indigestion so stopped the AB this am so could be as a result of the same..
God, I look & feel knacked , worse than before I went on holiday ... Hope I feel ok soon as now I m wasting my AL on sick..however, at least I ve not got to worry about work now.
Love to all xxxx

Hello ladies

sorry ive been quiet all weekend, its been a busy one. Spent most of saturday chewing wtw's ear off , had a great day and a great creamy cake bought by mrwtw, your girls are gorgeous!
Then sunday I was so busy with the garden, watching DH play football, cleaning and crocheting totally hectic. Oh and secret b/day shopping for DH.

thinking of angel and spilt, I hope the anniversary of your first born girls passes as gentley as it can. How are yu both doing?

spilt feel better soon.

angel glad your home, what a scary holiday.

babyh life can be cruel, sometimes I think because we are hoping for a BFP we stop our AF coming, not medically trained but I know through bitter expereince this year and before that the months I really wanted or thought I was going to get that BFP, it always came late. (well most of the time) Remember though your body is still getting back to normal. I know its hard trying to be patient, but really thats all you can do. Stress does not help get those cycles back to normal. It is shit though isnt it.

poppet you have a memory of an elephant! , how do you do it?

too loving the name change! Maybe we should have a pumpkin craving competition?

elly glad you are getting a bit of RL support in these early weeks, how is it going?

blue, miasmum how are you and your ever increasing bumps doing?

Im out this month, AF reared her ugly head friday! booooooooooooo! But I was ok about it, it seams to be the norm now. DH was a bit upset, he really thought he did well this month, bless him! we will plod along and keep trying. Im back on the slimming world going to lose some more weight before christmas, and you never know it might help me get pg again. (it seams to be my secret weapon)

green I hope you are ok my lovely?

I have a sore throat, and feel generally like a big cold is on its way, will be my first in, well years! working outside has its benefits.