Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Thanks MiasMummy, Blizy and Too. I guess just nothing hurts anywhere as much as it did when we lost her, so I kind of know I can cope with it, with whatever really. The boys make it ok. I just wish she was coming too, I had even thought about what she would wear. (as if it matters). I need to go. My mums too old to go at all, and my Dp needs me. I will enjoy the boys enjoying it, and they are counting the days, so can't move it.
We are also briefly going back to London in half term. I need to, dp works there a lot, and it's part of our life which I used to love, but the first time will be hard. First times are always the worst, we are strong together though...

notso thank you for sharing your story. My husband is also a rainbow, his older sister was stillborn at 36 weeks, the same as our Ophelia. Her name was Jennifer, he was brought up knowing about his older sister too. He also has a younger sister Heidi who was born at 18 weeks. All his brothers have been brought up knowing of their sisters. I hope that rainbow appears for you really soon.

green that is tough, its a place that you assoicate with pain, but your boys associate with fun. Perhaps you should try and turn your feelings around for the place, think of it as part of Merryns story, even though you knew then she was not well, she was still here. That place was part of her life inside you, that will still be bitter sweet.

Thank you everyone, Im feeling a bit meh! I had a little cry last night, told my DH I felt like a crazed woman. He calmed me down, I am taking the positives from it, I know now theres nothing wrong with me really. I have fibroids but they are managable, and thank god for that as the treatment for them generally is hormones which act as controception. But I just feel cheated out of not having a baby, it makes it harder that Beanbag and Bungle didnt make it. His comment that I am very fertile as I have been pg twice, didnt help me at all, thats what has made me feel crazed. Like why should I be whinning I have been pg, its not like I cant, and it hasnt been that long! But only you lot here understand that every day, every cycle that passes it feels like a life time. It also feels wasted sometimes, that all this effort is going into making a baby and there is no baby. He (the consultant) was appalled by my doctors not helping me when I found out I was pf with Bungle, he said they should have offered reassurance not told me there is nothing that can be done, I should have been told that I was to come back in 7weeks and they would try to get me a scan. I think maybe I need to be more forceful in what I need and want in my next pregnancy.

elly wonderful news!!! I am so, so glad for you.

fan I can only echo what you, and the others, have said - a mixed bag, of good news, sadness that there's no easily-solved explanation for your mcs, and unfortunately also the 'standard' bluntness of a health professional. I can also see how the good news bit about your fertility is immensely frustrating - the old, 'well, you can get pg, what are you worrying about?' - but you still don't have any of your babies in your arms. Hugs to you, it's really so hard. I am nonetheless very pleased to hear that your fertility is not at all in question, as I know you'd been so worried about worst case scenarios, and now you can keep looking forward to the future with hope...

miasmummy lots of love to you xxxxxxxx

blizy also thinking of you. Sorry that I misremembered where you were in your cycle... Also I expect you've started the meds now, I hope very much that they're not disagreeing with you in any way.
I also wanted to ask you - I'm going to start using my CBFM again soon; it should be reasonably accurate now, almost four months after I was pg. Where do you buy your sticks for it? I was going to get them on Amazon, but wondered if there was anywhere cheaper you might have found?

notsoold thank you for posting. Your brothers do sound completely wonderful... and your parents obviously did the most wonderful job of incorporating your sister into your family, too. I expect you know the poem 'A Different Child'? If not, google it - you have just done what the poem says
I am so very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. And hope so much that your dreams are not gone, as you wrote. I won't presume to say 'it'll be fine' (no one on this thread will ever say that again), but instead, that I wish you all the luck and love you need to keep going, and, I very much hope, to have your own baby in your arms one day.

green you are so lovely and wise!!!! Such beautiful words.
Re Centre Parks - I would be tempted to go into massive planning mode. Plan out what you can do in advance, work in some time alone (put the boys in front of a massively inappropriate DVD to keep them very definitely occupied, that kind of thing?!), talk to DP about what you think you can both manage, and even try to think of ways to 'reward' yourself for getting through the hardest bits. It will be very difficult. But, I agree with you - you've been through worse, and it means that you know you can do this. You are truly a wonderful mother, doing this for your boys. You can do it for Merryn, too.

London in October half-term... any chance you have spare time while you're here? Or is it just a flying visit? I would love to meet you. I haven't actually braved central London for over a year (!! But I was so sick during my pg, I rarely left the house. And it has obviously not really been on the agenda recently) but would be willing to try it, if you had time to meet.
Also, I have replied to your FB message re photos.

spilt and too, hugs and love to you both xxx too I think I forgot to answer when you wrote about your pension and it saying that you have two living children - how hard that must have been to see. I'm so sorry. I think, if you possibly can, it's worth correcting them at some stage in the future. Can you send an email?
Also hi to wtw and moomins and the holidaying angel and blue and amy and oh dear who have I forgotten?!?! Please don't feel left out if I've not mentioned you! I am shattered this morning. Almost a whole day with my parents yesterday and it wiped me out. They are staying at a cheap hotel nearby, bless them, as we only have a tiny spare room and they want to give us space, so they're not coming back till lunchtime today. And I am in still in bed! It's lovely to see them, though, even though they are so sad as well.

Great news elly so relieved for you.
Sorry to hear that you're feeling down after the doctor's appointment fan. I really hope you get another positive result soon. It must be so hard to have lost your lovely Ophelia and then have two mc. You must be a very strong person.
Hope you're managing to relax a bit green? Fingers crossed your little bean sticks.

Sorry not to mention everyone. I'm reading the thread, but don't have much time to comment, as work is crazy and DS is being pretty demanding with my free time. By the time we've put him to bed it's all I can do to stay awake during dinner! Am constantly knackered. Just praying that I'm not going through al this for nothing. I've confessed to my new employers about the pregnancy, as I have my medical tomorrow and Thursday (my employer is also my medical insurer) and won't be able to do parts of it. The HR lady was very nice and said she'd keep it between us until I was ready to announce it properly to my new boss. I explained about Thomas and my mc before DS, and she was really kind and sympathetic. I've got another scan booked for Thursday next week, where the doctor will hopefully do the Down's measurements. Fingers crossed.

Oh green, what a beautiful message that you wrote to Mias yesterday, absolutely perfect. You are being so strong for your boys, and DP - it is good that you are strong together, you aren't on this journey alone. I hope that the weekend is gentle on you all, and London too. Wise words from kleine about possible coping strategies too. How are you feeling physically? I hope the bloods and your booking appointment go ok, thinking of you xx

Thanks for your story notso, and I'm so sorry about your MC. I think it's really important that rainbow's are brought up knowing about their angel siblings, and it sounds like your parents did a really good job of it - I will certainly try to ensure that N remains a part of our everyday family life and is remembered forever.

Sorry you are feeling meh fan, I hope that you are able to focus on the positives from the appointment though and that you get a bfp with a sticky bean v v v v v soon.

blizy, have you started your ad's yet? I hope that they start to work soon and that you get on with them ok. I think mine took about a month or so to 'kick in', by that I mean that I was less teary with fewer mood swings etc. I didn't take them for a couple of days a few weeks ago because I was sick, and I noticed the difference so they are definitely working.

Amy, great to have your scan next week - how many weeks are you now?

Hi to everyone that I haven't name checked xx

I have just read all the posts since I last checked and I can't remember any of what I have read!! It's like my brain has given up

angel I hope the holiday is doing you all good & Phebs is enjoying herself. Does she like the pool?

green that's a hard one about CentreParcs. I agree planning coping strategies, and as fan says using it as a place to "visit" Merryn if that makes sense, as it's a place she went with you. I hope it's easier than you fear and the boys have a great time.

fan big cuddle for you, you are not a crazed woman, but an immensely tried one.

notso thank you for your lovely posts and sharing your story with us, it's wonderful to hear how your family included your sister so beautifully. So sorry you have lost your baby, much love to you and your DH. I hope you don't have to wait long to have your own little rainbow xx

I have hauled myself to playgroup this morning and feel exhausted by it. Freya has had a great time which makes it worth it, but I feel wrecked by all the effort of being conversational and normal. Just feel dead inside at the moment. I'm sorry it is all sad posts from me, but that is where I am for now. I know it will be easier after her birthday on Tuesday, but it's a sad downward spiral until then. I'm actually looking forward to her birthday though, DH has the day off, and I know now from experience that the days you get worked up by are always easier than the build up - somehow there is peace and that is what I crave.

SPLIT... Stop apologising to us woman!!! If you can't say how you really feel here then I don't know where better...! I can remember that play groups can be trying enough without feeling so out of tune with the other mums there. I think it's amazing you are still going. If you make some 'real' friends out of the mums there then you can perhaps feel more connected and understood, which would help maybe. If not, there are other playgroups..... I agree the build up is usually worse than the actual day on anniversary days. It will come, and hopefully it will be peaceful for you. Untill then, don't expect so much of yourself. Xxx

ELLY, I'm still just so relieved for you, lovely! X

FAN, I'm sorry your feeling crap. It's a bit of a whirlwind of feeling I expect.

AMY, I'm glad the HR lady was kind, kindness makes such a difference. I hope your medical goes as it should tommorow. They sound very thorough where you are?

KLEINE, it would be lovely to meet up! I'm not even sure what days we are going to be there, and I would have my boys in tow, but I think the days I could meet we are in South Kensington, at the natural history museum and science museum, I don't know if you can get down that way or not? If not we do end up in London quite often... So another time for sure.

Thanks for the advise about CPs, FAN and SPLIT, you are right that Merryn was there with us, I remember the kicks! I think that is what we all have to do isn't it, cling onto the time we had with our babies. I can do that i think. Thank you. I am, as always, aware of how lucky I am to have the boys to carry me through these times.

I went to see my friends Dalmatian who had two puppies by CSec yesterday. They are so cute. (no spots yet). They were expecting ten, but only got two, I don't know if the others died and she didn't want to say, or if there were only two in the end. The mum looked so tired and poorly, I really felt for her... I hope they keep one!

Must go, I'm being lazy. Sorry to those I've missed......

Thank you green. I suppose I feel I am making a bit of a fuss, 2 years on, over what the docs just termed a "late mc". But we all know there's more too it than the terminology, these are our children.

spilt I so understand what you mean about 'late mc'. I have the same with Sterre, I feel so sad that in my pregnancy notes it is noted down as 1 child + 1 mc. We bloody well gave birth to our beautiful daughters and they should be recognised as a proper baby!

I'm being inundated with lovely cardigans and blankets and all sorts from all the elderly ladies in the parish...

Yesterday the lovely lady from pregnancy yoga gave me a lift, she lives in the village where Sterre is buried, and passes by ours to go to yoga, so it wasn't any trouble for her. It was nice having a chat with her, they lost their little boy last year in November at 21 weeks.

kleine I cried this morning when I read that poem you suggested!

I'm also thinking of some wording to put on the birth announcement. In Belgium it's custom to send out birth announcement cards to family and friends and people you don't know I've decided I will only send one to family and a few close friends, doing it with Photobox, will ask DH to take a nice picture once baby is born, so they can see her as well, and put the pic on their mantle piece for years to come

so very tired and pregnancy brain and no energy are stopping me from replying to everyone x

Kleine- u started the ad's on Saturday. I buy the cbfm sticks from eBay, I usually get a pack of 20 for £15/£16.

Spilt- I'm sorry you are finding things hard at the min, thinking of you and Bobby. X

Sorry not to name check, I just popped on for a quick read, will catch up tomorrow. X

Morning everyone - sorry I've not been keeping up, i've been reading but not having time to post!

Fan my lovely, what a mixed bag your appt was. Glad there is nothing preventing you from having a successful pregnancy but frustrating I am sure that there is nothing that they can 'fix' which would help next time, which fx will be v v v soon. Looking forward to seeing you Saturday xx

Blizy hope the ad's help. Has dh had results of SA yet? Sorry if I missed it up thread xx

Great news on the scan Elly Here's to an uneventful 7 months xx

Green you have so much on your plate if you can't face center parcs, don't. I think right now you need to be a little selfish. The suggestion of your mum taking the boy was a great one - is that feasible?? Would mean you get a break too xx

Kleine hope you are enjoying time with your parents. I'll be in London around Christmastime - would love to meet up

Spilt ((hugs)) have you thought any more about ordering your birth notes lovely? It's so hard, our angels have shaped our lives forever and sadly the pain of losing them is always going to be there xx

Thank you for sharing Notso my dd Erin is my middle child so she has one big sister who will always remember meeting her and cuddling her and a little sister who will always know that she has 2 big sisters. Sorry to hear about your mc xx

Waves Blue and Mias not too long to go now ladies. How are you feeling? xx

Good luck for your scan next week Amy sounds like everything is working out work wise which is great x

Hope you're having a good holiday angel and you and Ant are okay xx

Still plodding along here Both girls are happy and thriving, am relishing normality after the turmoil of the last 13 months. I guess this is why they're called rainbow babies, I know the storm could hit again any day but for now life is calm and colourful and I'm going to appreciate every second. Need to go and wake K for school now so love to all and sorry for anyone I've missed xxxx

Hi all, I am a bit poorly and requesting sympathy please [beseeching face]
Really I'm fine, just spent some last night running constantly to the loo (attractive), plus have another UTI (doubly attractive)... so am a bit wiped out, but a restful day should solve that. No reason for the tummy troubles, I think I just overdid a bit with my parents here - my body basically throws a wobbly if I do too much at the moment.
Also, with stunning timing, I think I may have finally ov'd yesterday evening... at least we have been SWI on the previous days, though.

spilt NO ONE here thinks you are making a fuss. If you are, then we all are, surely? Rant and moan and sob away. You and blue have every reason to miss your darling daughters just as much as anyone else; in some ways, perhaps, even more, as you're less 'allowed' to do so publicly, and that must be so sad.

green I shall pm you
wtw your post made me smile. I don't think you'll ever lose the appreciation you have for your happiness, as, like you say, the storm could always return at any time - so, enjoy and be glad.
I would love to meet you in December! Hurrah! Unless the incredible, unlikely miracle of pregnancy happens before then and I am hanging over my sick bowl, in which case I will stand you up without a second thought
Same goes for anyone else who comes to London, I would love to meet you.

blizy thank you my lovely - I hadn't thought of ebay - I shall check on there. Thinking of you in these first weeks of taking the ADs xx

mech, babyh, how are you doing?

Waves to all xx

Good afternoon everyone!

Klein have all the sympathy you need, that sounds rotten.

Blizy hope the ADs start to help soon. They really did for me when I needed them, though it did take a few months and some pill changes.

Spilt you are entitled to make a fuss if you need to. You have been through so much, and it is not fair. Thinking about you, and blue and fan especially, the medical profession can be so cold in the way they word things sometimes. Our children are not "just" anything, they are our very precious babies. Loved and missed every day.

WTW I really liked your post. The knowledge that the storm could hit, but enjoying NOW for what it is. Glad to hear the girls are well.

Green you have so much going on. The CP thing must be so hard, but what lovely advice you have had from clever people here. I know I have found going back to places where I was pregnant very hard. I am trying to remember them as good things, places where I felt close to Dexter, but it is difficult sometimes.

Elly great news from the scan!

Amy I'm glad the HR person is kind and understanding.

Mias Thinking about it, I do have a slight preference for a boy. I would not be dissapointed in a daughter, of course not, and I know another son would not replace Dexter at all. But they are very complicated feelings to deal with.

Notsoold Thank you, that is lovely. I am sorry to hear about your MC. I hope that any children we have in the future can grow up like you and your brothers, always knowing about their big brother who couldn't stay with us.

Waving to everyone I haven't name checked. I am thinking about us all, the thread moves so fast some days it is hard to keep up!

I am doing the Carly Marie October photo project on Facebook and finding it hard, but theraputic. I tend to hide how I am feeling from other people, so this is encouraging me to put things "out there" a little bit but in a very protected way.

Also, if anyone ever has the ill fortune to find themselves in Aberdeen, give me a shout!

Well quite blue! I had a fast and furious 3hr labour with Bobbie, just as ouch as Freya's but mercifully only 45 mins of being really bad, compared to the epic experience with Freya. But she was very much born. They would even have been born in the same position if it wasn't for me falling over sideways mid contraction with Freya and then refusing to get up again ! And then my body clearly thought I had had a baby as my milk came in, shall we say, enthusiastically, and I had the biggest boobs of my life to date, leaking milk everywhere. I remember feeling I had no "right" to buy breastpads as I didn't have my baby, so made do with chopped up sanitary towels, which were a bit rustly.

Thank you kleine for what you said about mine and blue's babies being in some way less regarded by the world at large, and our grief correspondingly expected to be less shared, and more private. You are so right! If I say I lost a baby girl at 20 weeks, no one ever asks what her name is, for example, and are surprised that she has one How weird is that?! And that no, I didn't just have some kind of heavy period. She actually has her own proper little burial plot and memorial stone.
One thing I do have to admit to a pang of envy for are the beautiful photos that those of you with bigger babies have and feel able to share. I hope that doesn't sound as terrible as I fear it might. It's just that the pictures I have of Bobbie I just cannot share. She had been badly affected by the toxoplasmosis infection and her growth slowed and stopped some weeks before she died. I believe she died at 19 weeks, based on the sudden loss of all my pregnancy exhaustion overnight.
I carried her, believing she was alive for all of those 20 weeks, but at birth she was only the length of my hand, 13.5cm, 2oz, and the size of a 14 weeker. She was too small and fragile to cuddle, we simply held her gently in our hands and looked and loved. I wish I had been able to cradle her in my arms, to kiss her face

wtw glad you and the girls are doing so well. I know so exactly what you mean about colour and normality! These rainbows bring a lot of healing. I wish we were all blessed with them on this thread xx

Kleine sorry you're not too well, poor you. Hope you are getting some rest. Fingers crossed for that egg. As may be remembered by others on this thread Freya was something of a shock when I got my BFP with her. We did the deed 5 and 6 days before ovulation and not again. Those swimmers have a longer lifespan than we give them credit for! Don't give up hope xx

spilt I have just shed a little tear for your bobbie, you sweet little girl.

Im reading this on the run at work, so apologies for not commenting on everyone.

Im going out to buy a special candle later for the 15th, I think our angels deserve a beautiful one.

Bless you fan. Its very cathartic writing on here.

fan that's so sweet.

spilt - about the photos - don't worry even a tiny bit about admitting that. I am very aware of how lucky ("lucky") I am to have so many pictures of my beautiful girl AND to want to show them. I know that there are lots of you here who aren't in that position.
Your poor little Bobbie, so poorly - but held so carefully inside you, and then held so carefully when she was born, too. Thinking of you xx

Hi mecha I never replied to your message about feeling guilty re ttc again, and wanted to add my ha'penny-worth - to be completely discarded by you if it's unhelpful!
It's different for me - I am lucky enough not to feel guilty about ttc (at least, not yet; I'm aware it might change). I have said something along these lines on the thread before, but the reason is - it's because of E that we are trying again. We always wanted children, and we always knew we wanted to try again after E, and hoped to be lucky enough to conceive another child after her... but I never had a CLUE how much I wanted it, how amazing it is to be a parent, until I had my daughter. She was spectacular, and she made me a mother, and it is because of her that, despite the overwhelming grief, I am making every effort to stay on track and to try for another baby, despite the likely difficulties ahead. And that's why I don't feel guilty; actually, instead, I feel thankful towards her for showing me something so wonderful, for being in my life, and, even as she lay dying, for giving me the utter certainty that I want to risk it all again - even if I knew it would just be for another 48 hours with another baby, as it was all, every bit of it, worth it for that time with her.
With love to you (and I'm so sorry if this isn't at all helpful for you to hear) xx

Oh spilt your lovely little Bobbie. She knew nothing but love. I'm sorry you couldn't cradle her but she knew you from the inside. I wish I could scoop you up xxx

Mech I think the capture your grief thing is lovely a few of my friends on Fb are doing it xx

Oh Spilt, my honey. I do think that the way people brush off a 20 week baby is horrible, and quite probably contributing to your feelings of misery. You are allowed to mourn your baby! She was a 'real' baby! Her name was Bobbie and you loved her to bits.

Mecha, I actually might be in Aberdeen at some point! I'm from Aberdeenshire - went to school in Huntly and my dad lives near there. Plus my mum will be moving back to Aberdeen in a few months. If you're interested, I'd love to meet you when I'm next up.

Regarding photos, there's one of Thea on my profile if anyone's interested.

Kleine, hope you're feeling better now.

Oh spilt your post is heartbreaking. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like that. My DS2 Thomas was born at 36 weeks and the doctors estimated he'd died a week earlier. So, although we could hold him and he was a "big" baby, we couldn't really see much of him - he was dressed in a babygrow we bought for him, but was so soft that we could only cuddle him on a cushion. I often think about how we never got to hold his hands or feet or to properly cuddle him. I regret not kissing him too, but I was so scared of ruining his beautiful, fragile face that I daren't do it. I guess that regret will never go away, just like with you.

Hugs to everyone. Some days are just so hard aren't they? I think I get through most days by just not thinking about it all.

Ah feck it, crying now after reading all your lovely messages
amy you poor love. I know what you mean, I couldn't bear to damage her skin so didn't dare kiss her. Even at that last moment when I put her into the midwife's hands as we left. No kiss goodbye, I didn't dare.

You ask me, dear child, why thus sadly I weep
For my baby the angels have taken to keep;
Altho' she is safe, and forever at rest,
A yearning to see her will rise in my breast.
I pray and endeavour to quell it in vain,
But stronger it comes and yet stronger again,
Till all the bright thoughts of her happier lot
Are lost in this one - my baby is not.
And while I thus yearn so intensely to see
This child that the angels are keeping for me,
I doubt for the time where her spirit has flown -
If the love e'en of angels can fully atone
For the loss of a mother's, mysterious and deep.
I own that thought sinful, yet owning it - weep.

Have posted that poem on my FB too but it so perfectly describes the longing, and the bleakness, and the love.

spilt I think that is the right thing to do for Bobbie. People need to know that Bobbie and Freya are both huge parts of your life. I posted "Please say their names" a couple of months ago, and I actually tell people directly that it is ok, and preferable, to say Mia's name rather than using euphemisms. I just say that I think about her every second of every day, and by them mentioning her name, it actually makes me happy, as I know she is not forgotten. I will continue to do that as well. If you tell people, they are likely to follow your lead.

I love the "say their names" thing miasmummy. Infact, I have compiled a reading list of poems, quotes, short prose etc for normal people that I would love to enforce the study of so they all got as close to "getting it" as they can without actually experiencing it How are you?

I seem to be getting a lot of time to think at the moment and the memories are flooding past. I remember that I tested positive with Bobbie on a Thursday. I thought I was pg on the Weds, but DH and I had Thurs & Fri off so I waited to test until then. We had a glorious long weekend of blazing sunshine (it was June), and spent loads of it stretched out on a blanket together in the garden playing gin rummy and giving each other coy smiles . Dreaming, excited, imagining, hoping. I think of it as our babymoon. She was truly our baby then, we were the only people who knew she was there. The frankly vile sickness hadn't kicked in yet and I remember it as a time of unalloyed happiness. So much hope. That's what Bobbie is to me, our baby in the sunshine, who gave us so much happiness. And then some weeks later mooned us at the 12 week scan

Sunshine and happiness, and a little moon ! What beautiful images I have of Bobbie.

Midwife check-up today, baby is measuring well, bp a little heartbeat all ok. Baby is sitting upside down, making walking and not needing the loo quite impossible!! Organised WC and flu vaccinations, and a referral to a physio, although hip is much less painful. We also talked about perhaps seeing a bereavement counsellor after the inquest, as I know I will become increasingly apprehensive as the due date draws nearer. I don't know. How can they help me more than you all do here?

I am feeling a little down tonight. DH is out, and I have been doing stuff for my VAT return, and have just discovered receipts from a year ago - birthday presents for DH and a little cardigan for Mia, which she never wore... She and I had such a lovely day out together that day.