Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

spilt I remember you saying before that Bobbie mooned you. She was obvisously a little sprite! Its nice to have some happy memories sprinkled amongst the sad. That's a nice memory to pass on to Freya about her older sister too.

Spilt.... I don't know what to say love, but I'm sobbing for you. What you have posted is so heartbreaking. You did hold your little one, for all of her life inside you, and after that in your heart.

With Merryn, although she was alive, only DP ever saw her conscious, I was too late, and by the time I was there she was so ill she didn't like being touched. I longed to hold her for six days, but only got to as she died. And she was such a mess by then. If I had known how it would be I could have easily asked them to delay her op until I had spent some time with her, and then we could have hugged, and looked at each other. But i was scared, and wanted her tumor gone. I will always regret that. I can't feel lucky to have seen her alive, it would have been so much better for her if she had died sooner. I helped bed bath her once, but it was terrifying, and all the drains and tubes were there. I washed her hair with a toothbrush to get the sticky stuff from the EEG out, but she didnt like it (we could see by the screens and what her numbers did). By the end, i wanted her to stop, to give up. It was so clear to me she coudnt win. Ive never said that before. I should have stopped them sooner. One day they spent the whole day trying to get an arterial line in. All day. I will never forgive myself for the pain and horror she lived through, all with our consent. ( I know, I know, but I still wont). I'm going to do my best to put those memories away again, I never talk about that time, I don't know why I'm writing about it now, but it feels wrong to delete it, it's what she lived through, and my guilt to carry as her mummy.

Ok, so it took me so long to hit the post button on the last post, that about four others were written in between. I'm truly sorry for posting such horrible stuff, none of you need my nightmares as well as your own, and I have DH to listen to that stuff. Don't know what's up with me right now, I also lost it on the school run and had to go and sob at the back of the field until I got some control back. Thats never happened before. Anyway, I'll pick myself up and dust myself down and get some sleep. Did any of the rest of you go to pieces when you got pregnant? I'm not coping very well, it would seem.

Oh green my love, you sound utterly haunted. You had no choice. Really, it wasn't a real choice. The doctors were doing it because they believed it was worth the pain for the chance of life they hoped to give her. You are her mother, and of course you wanted the treatment for her, you wanted to give her the best chance, you wanted her to live. We would all have done the same. Truly.

miasmummy we had a bereavement midwife for a bit. It was a bit weird at first trying to talk, but she was lovely and very calming. Ultimately I have found here more help long term, but having someone to talk to in person is actually really good. They are like what you think your friends should be - lots of time, listen, don't project/judge/advise, aren't scared of tears and don't offer platitudes. I would recommend giving it a go. If nothing else it carves out some time to totally devote to Mia, where nothing else can interrupt xx

kleine I meant to say earlier what beautiful words you wrote about E and how she made you a mother and made you strong enough to do it again. So much love in your post.

x posted green! Please don''t apologise for sharing with us. It's what we're here for. I so feel for you in the school field. It's hard enough grieving without the pesky pg hormones in the mix too!

Evening ladies:

Split: Many years ago my auntie said to me that from the day you find out you are pregnant you love your baby. You spend your time daydreaming of what he/she will look like....and well just of all your hopes and dreams for the future. Im so sorry you have been cheated out of your lovely Bobbie the heartache is just the same not matter how big or small she was. So sorry your feeling so low and sending you big hugsxxxx PS Love your poem x

Notso: So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. What a lovely rainbow you are taking the time to cheer us all up in spite of your own heartache. Take care xxxx

Fan: Your are not crazed at all. I am in awe of you....you are such a strong brave lady. Good news about your fertility but I understand how frustrated and fed up you must feel and rightly so!! Praying your fortunes change sn xxxxxx

AMY, ELLY BLUE GREEN MIAS thinking of all your angels and budding rainbows xxx

Green: No wise words but hope your ok and coping with all the stress of the whole CP thing xxx

Kliene, sorry your feeling crappy loved your link to 'a different child' xxx

Mech, Blizy, Too + WTW, Hope your ok too x

Head muddled so apologies if I missed anyone. Not so bad in the 'H' household this wk....feel better than last week even though its 3 months tomorrow since we lost our beautiful son. Cycle up the wall think I may of OV'd y/day but dont know if thats possible cos AF due on Friday....god only knows whats going on there!!!

Nite all, take care xx

Sorry ive cross posted as well. oh Green, Mias and Split sorry your having a hard time, sending you a big virtual hug each. I hope I understand a little bit how your feeling even though they were all cruelly taken at different stages.....i guess we need to learn to live with the past so we can cope in the future dont we. Hope that makes sense. Thinking of your beautiful girls tonight. Lots of love xxxxx

Oh Green I can't tell you to stop feeling guilty as I know it's not something you can just turn off but just know that every decision you made you made with love and with the best information you had at the time. Had you known what the outcome would be you know you wouldn't have done it but who wouldn't do everything they could to save their child? That's all you were doing. But how could you possibly have known? If you'd not tried to treat you would have been haunted by 'if only's and 'what if's. I have very similar haunted thoughts about Erin's short life, she was born alive but very very poorly and dp very briefly saw her eyes open and her moving a bit. He won't talk about that though. They did a lot of things to her in theatre to try and get her breathing, some of them quite brutal. If I'd known what I know now I would have asked to have her as soon as she was delivered and let her know nothing but peace and love and let her gently pass away on my chest instead of on a resus table surrounded by doctors.. But I didn't know she wouldn't make it. We both did our best green we really did. As for falling apart when i found out i was pregnant again - yes yes yes! Totally normal imo. Its bloody scary quite frankly, mix that with grief and pregnancy hormones and no wonder you feel very fragile. One day at a time my friend xxx

Love your Bobbie memories Spilt at her mooning you xx

Oh lovely Miasmummy glad to hear all going well with the pregnancy but sorry you're feeling down. Why not try a bereavement midwife? If you find it's not for you you don't need to carry on but it might help. I saw a counsellor fairly soon after Erin and she did help but to be honest it was just that I looked forward to being able to talk about her for an hour a week! I stopped going soon after I fell pregnant with Holly. I just couldn't cope with opening up painful memories each week as well as being pregnant. Take care of yourself my friend xx

Waves babyh and amy I understand about just not thinking about it being easier sometimes xx

Holly has a slight cough and am really trying not to freak out but found myself googling whooping cough and bronchiolitis symptoms......paranoid mother is the legacy of loss I fear. Might take her to gp's tomorrow though deep down I think I know it's just a snuffle. On the plus side she's just gone from 10pm-4am - 6 whole hours clever girl and about 4.5 hours straight sleep for me woohoo! Right back to bed for me now as she's nodded off again

Love to all xxxxxx

Morning everyone.

Just a quickish post....busy day again.

Green: Sorry I didnt say everything I wanted to say last night.....this whole grief thing is so exhausting and for you its combined with pregnancy so its no wonder your emotions are all over the place. The decisions you made for your beautiful girl are because you WANTED HER TO HAVE A LIFE.....a life she deserved and any mother would do the same......just as WTW did also and Kliene too. You are such a good mum and did what you thought was right at the time.........its hard not to have regrets and we all replay the scenes over and over.......but I know Merryn would be proud you did your best for her. Tell us how you feel good or bad chick because it does no good to bottle it all up. Hope the day is kind to you lovely lady xxxxx

WTW: Same as what I told Green you beautiful Rein would have been proud you did what you thought was right at the time we all would have done the same x 10 til 4 am what a clever girl she is and clever you for getting her into such a good routine.

Split and Mias Hope you both slept ok last night xxxx

Love to all.

I bet I cross post loads of other messages now because I keep getting distracted x

Whatever sorry for the typo on Erins name typing in a hurry xxx

Green, yes yes yes to the falling apart once pg thing. I was so delighted to be pg again, and then after about a week it wore off and I was simultaneously petrified and so mixed up with guilt and sorrow for Thea.

Lots of hugs being doled out from me this morning. I think we all need them! Love to all xx especially spilt xx
mias I agree, the counselling is worth a try. We have been seeing a psychologist, and he doesn't really seem to offer us anything we don't already do or know about; but even if we therefore choose to stop it soon - at least we know we tried it. Glad the LO is doing well. So sad to hear about Mia's unworn cardigan. Bless you. xx

green poor poor you. I'd imagine I'd be reacting the same as you.
I can't take away your guilt, I know that - but do you know - just yesterday I was thinking about the decision we made to take E off the ventilator/medication, and let her slip away gently at her own pace... and the thing is, I know now 100% that it was the right decision, as the pm showed that she was so damaged, she would have died no matter what we had done... but I was STILL wondering, if I could do it a second time, would I try harder? Would I put her through it, just in case? And what a terrible thing to wonder, really: would I put my daughter through pain and suffering, just so that I'd given it everything I could?
My point is - we had to make a very different decision to yours, but although I know for sure we made the right choice, I STILL wonder about it. And this is also despite seeing what she went through on the second day of her life, when she was so horribly poorly, that both DH and I wanted her to die, as we didn't want her to have to go through it any longer. (It's really ok to admit that. It was best. She was so unwell, just like Merryn.) Despite everything... I still wonder.
These are the most complicated decisions of our lives. Please know that all of us who had to make them will always wonder if we did the right thing. You are not alone.

I'm so sorry for you and wtw that you didn't get the time you'd have wanted with your babies - and for amy and anyone else who wishes it could have been different.

SO much sadness today and wishes things could be different

We had Dexter with us for 12 days. We knew he would face problems as he had been born so early, but things were looking as good as they could. His lungs were very immature, but all his brain scans were coming back clear. On the Wednesday they were talking about sending him to Glasgow for an operation on his heart. On the Thursday he was starting to struggle with Pneumonia and was too poorly to travel. On Friday things were looking up, he seemed to be holding his own and we really started to hope. Then on Friday night they called us and told us to get there as soon as we could. I've never seen DH drive so fast, and when we got there everything seemed to be fine. After a while the consultant came to speak to us, and told us his lungs were getting worse and worse, and the help they were having to give him to breathe was starting to damage them. He needed to start getting better on his own or he wasn't going to. They set up a bedroom for us next to the unit, and we stayed there with him. Looking back, they were preparing us all day Saturday. They started breaking rules for us, letting us put his toy bunny in his incubator and asking if we wanted to invite anyone in to see him. His stats kept getting lower and lower. That evening, the consultant asked if we wanted to take him off the ventalator and we agreed. We took him through to the bedroom and he died in our arms.

I know we did the right thing. But I can't help thinking, what if we had given him an extra hour? Does he think we gave up on him too quickly? I would have done anything for him to stay with us, but I did not want to cause him suffering.

We all made the best decisions we could, based on love and hope. Thinking of us all today.

hi girls, sorry i have been so absent for while, i have been reading the threads but feeel awful not contributing.

hi to the girls i have not welcomed green mech kliene babyh and anyone else i forgot, so sorry to hear about your losses.

i lost my little angel Grace when no heartbeat was found on the 20wk scan on 15/3/2011 and gave birth to her on 17/3, she had died around 18 weeks. i too find saying she was a mc too hard to take as she was my beautifull little girl perfect in everyway except she had died. i had my little rainbow Rose on 23/2/2012 and found this thread a wonderful place for support.

i havent posted much recently as have been feeling very down and guilty. i love my Rose more than anything but cant help looking at her and feeeling guilty that grace never got the chance of growing up and doing all the smiling and playing that rose does now and experiencing the love of her sisters and brother but then feel guilty that i look at rose that way with Grace always in the background of my thoughts as she is wonderfull in her own rights, its such a mix of conflicting emotions. i cry most days now when my dh is at work and dc's are in school/ pre-school, i dont really talk to anyone about this as it seems to me everyone but me has forgotten Grace and expects that i have got over her loss, even my DH doesnt even mention her anymore and when he talked about getting a tattoo with the dc's names her said he would get a scroll with the 4 dc's names, i wanted to scream at him we have had 5 children. sorry for the depressing post after not posting for ages but no one in RL undrestands why i get so depressed.

BTW Rose is doing beautifully and even though we gave up BF after 3 months as she wasnt gaining weight she is now a chunky monkey and is such a happy smily baby.

thinking of all our angels and rainbows today x

I've read all your words, and know and cry for the pain and love and loss we and our babies have been through. I hate that we share this. I want to be at a playgroup with you all stressing about the leaky nappies and how little sleep we get. Fighting over the chocolate biscuits. I do know that I and all of us did exactly what we could, as best we could. That's what parents do. I just wish it had worked. If it had worked tubes and procedures would be forgotten, and so many more happy memories would have taken their places by now. some days the horror is so palpable still though.

As you lot might have guessed, I'm not at all spiritual or religious in any way, but a friend told me this yesterday.....(stick with me on this). Her FIL is a well known environmentalist in SA and recently a man he knows who is famous for his work saving and protecting elephants died. 20 or more elephants from two separate herds made there way to where he had lived, a long journey, and stayed outside for two days, not eating, and then as one left again. I don't know why I find comfort in this, I think it's just the idea that maybe I am wrong, maybe there is more to everything, more to Merryn even. Some connection I cannot know about, something holding everything together. (Or hormones have affected my woo barometer)!

Don't take this the wrong way TOO and WTW, but I'm a bit relieved it's not just me who lost it a bit a little into being pregnant, I have hope that I may cope as you have. (although no signs of it yet).

MIA'SMUMMY, Im sorry you were/are feeling down. Those 'surprise' finds are so painful, I hope the memory of the lovely day shopping with Mia is what you can hang onto... X

Ive tried to comment on the stories some of you have shared about the decissions and last times you had with your babies, but I can't say anything that makes sense, maybe because there is no sense to it, so ive deleted what ive written. Its just far too much. I am honoured to hear your stories, and I have cried for all of us. I'm thinking so much about all our babies today, I never met them or you, but I have little images of them all in my head, stronger from your words than the photos even. Such amazing, strong, brave, beutiful and loved children.

X posted SHAKEY, I don't think we've met? Sorry if I've just not remembered. Im sorry that you are having a sad time. Your girls have lovely names (they were both on our list, so I'm biased), and they go so well together as names of sisters too. I'd have been so hurt by the tattoo conversation too, of course Grace should be included. She's your girl as much as Rose, surely?

I'm sure the ladies with their rainbows will be able to empathise with how they felt after they had their rainbow babies, I think it's such a confusing time. Guilt and grief with joy and happiness about new babies being safe. it's hard enough with all the hormones.
Rose sounds adorable, is she starting to move around yet?

Evening Ladies

Shakey: Lovely to meet you and so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter Grace. My lovely counseller John said something about rainbow babies this wk....he said people want to feel that we have been 'rescued' by having another baby, he said it makes them feel better to think that we have 'got over them' in some way. And of course he completely understood that non of our children can ever be replaced........so sorry your feeling down your lovely girl will be part of you forever. Maybe your DH didnt mention her because he didnt want to upset u but i agree that it was insenitive about your dc's names.

We are always here to listen about your lovely Grace. Chin up xxx

Green: Would love to fight over the chocolate biscuits but think I need something stronger than a cup of tea though!! Hope you feel more content tonight lovely lady xx

WTW: Hope Hollys cough is a bit better tonight x

Miasmummy: I know your heartache is constant but glad you had a lovely time with your beautiful daughter the day you shopped for the cardigan. Such wonderful memories....I thought of her when I went the cemetery yesterday after reading about all the autumn leaves falling. Thinking of you with the inquest approaching x

Mech: thinking of your lovely boy Dexter I wish you had more time with him I really do x

As you ladies all know I wasnt lucky enough to meet my little boy 'alive' outside the womb. But I was thinking of his favourite song....he used to kick like mad to REM-at my most beautiful....it therefore seemed really fitting to play it at his funeral....we all have our favourite songs and so did he!!!

Big hugs to you all.

Nite ladies hope you sleep well.

BABYH, it's lovely you have a special song to share with your beutiful boy. Xxx

Well, we are off to CPs now.. Don't think that there is Internet there, so I guess I'm off radar for a week. We'll be fine. I'm taking my crochet!

Love to all....I'll be thinking about all of us! Xxxx

Just popping on to give hugs to those of you feeling down, especially to split and Bobbie. X

Green- i hope you manage to have a peaceful week, take care.

Nothing new to report here, Dh has the dr next fri for his SA results. I am taking my AD's they are making me feel

blizy I am just popping on quickly since I am at work so not really here! I was on fluxotine and it made me sick as a dog. Just heartburn and nausea all the time, worse than being pregnant! If it is really getting you down, go back to the doctor and talk to them. There are so many ADs available, there will be one that suits you.

Hugs for all of us x

Hi all

So much sadness at the moment, i'm so sorry for all of us and our beautiful angels (and other DCs and rainbows of course). Sending cyber-hugs to all xxx

Hi shakey, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling since having Rose, it's so hard - and everyone on here who has had rainbow babies have all experienced the major conflict of emotions, of course Rose hasn't replaced Grace - they are both your lovely girls. No words of wisdom here I'm afraid, I'm only newly pg with (hopefully everything will all go ok) my rainbow, so just starting out on that road, but my thoughts are with you - the ladies on here are so supportive, it's a great place to be able to come and chat, especially if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone in RL.

green, I so hope that your break at CP is ok, and that you are able to have some nice times with your family.

Blizy, I hope that this week passes quickly until DH gets his results. If your ADs are causing you to feel ill, then could you try to get another appt with your doc to talk about it and maybe change the type? I know it's hard for you to get appts with the 'good' doc, so I hope that they can see you, if you decide to.

Have had a bit more spotting this week, but I'm trying not to worry too much - it wasn't as much as last time (even that wasn't much I suppose). Less than 3 weeks now to scan - already counting down! amy and green how are you getting on?

Has anyone got anything nice to look forward to this weekend?

Hi shakey great to hear from you again. Glad to hear Rose is doing so well, incredible that she's nearly 8 months! How is she taking to solids? Is she crawling? Big hugs to you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I understand and know everything you're describing - the way that the babies just seem to disappear off of everyne else's radar and you feel like you carry the whole responsibility for loving & remembering them and grieving for them all by yourself. I don't mean "responsibility" as in, you begrudge it, but I feel like Bobbie deserves to be remembered and honoured and it is my job and my priviledge as her mother to do that. I do it gladly and instinctively, but I do wish I didn't feel the need to prompt and remind others. Poor you with your DH's comment about the tattoo, I would have been so hurt I often wonder though if other people (our parents, sisters etc) do actually think about our angels far more than we give them credit for. I so rarely speak about her but I know how constantly she is in my mind, maybe they think about her too, despite not saying.

mecha what a heartbreaking post about Dexter's last days. Bless your little boy xx

green good luck for CPs! Sending you strength and hope-you-enjoy-it vibes.

blizy yak to the sickness, how crappy. Not having been on ADs I can't really comment other than to say if it doesn't wear off in a few days I would go back and ask to try something else. They might be able to do a phone consultation and leave you a prescription to collect if you're struggling to see the doctor of choice in person. Did they mention side effects to you? Hope you feel better soon and it's just a initial thing xx

I have somewhat overdosed on cake in the last few days. Oops. I can't seem to help myself sometimes. Definitely guilty of comfort eating. In the early weeks after Bobbie died I used to consume chocolate hobnobs packets in single sittings. They made me feel very slightly better, but only in the actual eating moment, hence whole packets.... Everytime I eat them now I think of her. Choc hobnobs and bananas And Masterchef tthe professionals which I chain watched off the iPlayer for weeks for some reason.

Love to you all for the weekend. Am making onion bhajis for tea tonight. Anyone want some?? xx

Ooh, love onion bhajis spilt!! We had (home made) curry last night with mini bhaji's & samosas - love it!!

Chinese takeaway for us tonight - not had one for months! Enjoy your bhajis (and cake - I could so eat some cake with a hot choc with cream right now. And choc hobnobs!!).

oh god yes, I had a hot choc last night with full cream milk and a heap of marshmallows on top.

This is just a quick post as I'm waiting to get my hair cut.

shakey its so good to hear from you, I was only yesterday thinking of the first angel thread, you, dachs, cheese razz.
Please post more, we will hold your hand through the tough times. And always remember we will never forget Grace.

Right must run, I will read back later.

Oh wtw looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.