Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

[KleinePoppet]

angel hope you are enjoying a lovely day off.
wtw I am also so glad about the headstone (and can imagine that blue is right, the pink may very well fade a little as the sun shines on it)
fan Fi's fingers also made me smile! And made me think of tiny cute baby hands. We have a gorgeous photo of E's curled-up hand, which is in the album that I showed to our 3-year-old goddaughter at the weekend, to which she said 'pretty tiny baby hand' Her older brother, who's five, asked me what it was like for E, being so poorly, and we had a little chat about it. Bless him.
blizy I think you said you're having a couple of weeks off?? Hope you're having a nice time...

I am having a sad day. Funny how you can tell from the moment you wake up. But, I expect them, so they don't frighten me. Just miss my little girl.
Also still wondering if AF is arriving, but although I'd like it to come soon, I know that my body just needs to do whatever's necessary right now. So, amazingly, I am being patient. Love to all xxx

[Ellypoo]

Oh mecha, such a difficult time and so many unanswered questions for you - sending ((hugs)) to you.

wtw so pleased that the headstone is better this time and that it will be fitted in time for E's first birthday. Less than a week to go - hope you are ok and that the days are passing quickly enough for you.

fan - that's sweet about Fi's short fingers!

angel glad you had a fab time at Disneyland! Hope you are enjoying your day off and are managing to rest a bit!

sorry you are having a sad day kleine, just go with it - you need to let yourself be sad sometimes I think. Doesn't help if AF is on way though, IME!

Well in the past 2 days I have had 2 pg announcements and 1 invite to a baby shower for one of my best friends. It's so hard isn't it - just started crying at work! I am just so desperate to be pg again but terrified at the same time. DH had a bit of a cry the other night, which was really good - he tries to stay strong so much of the time, but he put Tears In Heaven, Eric Clapton on, which we had at Nancy's funeral as we were leaving the church - it just had me bawling, but it was a good release I suppose.

[Mechavivzilla]

Thank you all. I always feel guilty coming on Mumsnet for a moan, because we are ALL having tough times. But you guys know EXACTLY how I feel sometimes and it really cheers me up when I am low. Things don't seem so desperate today, but I am just aching to be pregnant again. It seems to go all the way down to my bones. It is what we both want, it is the right thing to do for our family, but I can't do anything about it at the moment other than morning temperatures and folic acid. My zen like calm at the forced delay has gone totally! I also know it could take ages. Two years for Dexter. I'm going to go totally nuts, aren't I?

Elly sorry you are having a tough time, but also kind of glad your DH could have a bit of a cry. IT is hard for us mums, but not a lot of thought is given to Dads sometimes I think. I know I got sick of people telling DH he had to be tough for me and not let me see him cry. But they have lost children too.

Klein Hope today goes peacefully for you. Bad days are allowed. I got a congradulations on my AF from this thread which I think might have been a first, so I will wish you good luck and hope yours comes soon! I remember feeling both angry and relieved at mine, but it was moving on to a new chapter and helpful in a way. It might be a new chapter, but Dexter will always be part of my book, like your E is for you.

Also smiling at Zoe's chin and Fi's short fingers! My friends little girl has her ludicriously long legs! Dex was the spit of his Dad, didn't really see me at all. OF course his Dad is georgous so I didn't mind so much ;)

Pleased to hear about Erin's headstone. I can understand wanting it to be there for her birthday.

Massive SQUEEZES to all of us.

[Whatevertheweather]

Had my last scan today little lady still looking perfectly healthy and happy. Predicted to be 6lbs 4ozs so we will see in 6 days how accurate that is! Have to go in on Sunday and Monday for steroid injections and ctg's. It's starting to feel very close now. It's weird meeting up with people and them saying ooh next time I see you you'll have the baby! Still getting the odd grip of complete fear but am okay in the main.

Thank you fan - pop up after Monday next week and see what you think of the stone

How little Adam getting on August?

I so hope all you ttc'ers get your bfps soon, it must be so horribly hard waiting xx

[AngelGeorgie]

Massive hugs to all suffering xxxc so very hard.... Think hearing about Gary Barlow's Poppy just keeps hi lighting loss even more ...I ve donated on the just giving page... So very sad...
Fx for safe arrival of babies & BFP s very soon...
Rested & shopped today , lovely , just glad it's Friday then can rest again!!! Weather fab , too hot for work though xxxxx
Too tired to namecheck so love to all xxx

[fanjodisfunction]

mecha well Im not mad yet. It took us 18 months to conceive Fi so in a similar boat.

Just hoping it will be me soon, Im trying not to obsess about symptoms and Im doing pretty well. I should be due AF next week end, probably the friday so that could be testing day. Ive been working pretty hard this week at work they have me covering another persons work so Im technically a supervisor but Im not getting paid extra for it. I dont mind as there is a higer paid job coming up so this might be them seeing if I am capable. Union business is keeping my mind occupied as well which is good, but I am also doing a lot of thinking about stuff, Ive been working in graveyards for most of the week and seeing all the little baby and young children graves can be quite hard. I take extra care with them, the majority of them are tendered and looked after so well. I kind of feel that all of them are in my little extended family, I think of all our angels in that way.

wtw I will pop in next week and have a look, Im sure it will look beautiful and fitting for your Erin.

[blizy]

Fan- what a lovely thing to say about our angels, very sweet. I can imagine it is quite hard going working in the grave yard. I think I will go the cemetery tomorrow to visit my mums grave.

Angel- glad you had a good day.

[Little9]

Hello all. Sorry I've been absent for a while but just been trying to get on with life. Still waiting for results to come back from Daisy's post mortem but I'm guessing they may be back soon. Not sure how I'll cope with that. It's weird but seems like a lifetime away since it all happened on 17th June.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Need to catch up with all the news.

WTW - good luck for next week. Got everything crossed for you.

[AugustMoon]

Adam is gorgeous and doing really well thx for asking wtw. Thinking of you in the next few days, hope it goes quickly for you.
Been up bfing and just wanted to come and say a year ago today was when we found out Jacob had died. I feel a bit numb and helpless, and scared that this will pass and I won't have done anything for him - just as I couldn't do anything for him to keep him here. Also feeling unbelievably guilty with the knowledge that I wouldn't have Adam if he was here and I love my baby so much.
What is really upsetting is that DH is suffering badly having had his tonsils out and I know Jacob's grave is overgrown... Its next to a hedge that has gone mad over the summer so completely in shade... keep asking him if he's going to be able to go and sort it out before Sunday but I know he's in pain so can't nag. I don't feel I can do it as I don't know how to work the hedgecutter for a start and I have the boys to take care of and constantly feeding.
I'm also mortified we haven't got a headstone yet. The funeral home kept telling us to wait and the churchyard is by a small country chapel so not tended at all. I feel like I've failed him all over again and finding it all really hard to acknowledge - it's too sad and too painful. In a way I just want to pretend everything's 'normal' - because it's easier.

[blizy]

August, you have not failed Jacob, please don't think that. Sending you some hugs and hand holding for the next few days. I will be thinking about you and little Jacob. X

Hi little, hope you are doing ok?

I got a peak on my cbfm this morning- YAY! Dh and SWI last night, now I need to capture him tonight too. I'm to the doctors again this morning.
Hope you all have a good day. X

[KleinePoppet]

Oh August another one here who will be thinking of you. A whole year ago... it must be so hard.
Of course you haven't failed your lovely little Jacob - in any way. It's so easy to see how much you love him, just from reading your words.
I don't know if this is at all helpful (and forgive/ignore me if it's not; I'm not in your position and so I am just trying to imagine) - but when I read what you'd said, feeling unbelievably guilty with the knowledge that I wouldn't have Adam if he was here and I love my baby so much - it just made me think - I know you can't just scrub the guilt away, it's impossible - but can you add thankfulness to it? To be so, so thankful to Jacob, because without him, you wouldn't have Adam? Jacob couldn't stay, but has left you with an amazing gift; not only did you have him, but you also have Adam.
As I say, forgive me if this is completely unhelpful.

Lots of hugs to all, esp wtw (SO glad scan went well and you feel like you're somehow coping...), blizy as you go to the doctors and then jump on DH later , and fan bravely working away in the cemeteries and tending the little ones' graves so beautifully. And to elly and mecha, we do indeed all understand each other, don't we...
Also hello to little9. I'm so sorry about Daisy. I know what you mean about things sometimes seeming a lifetime ago; our little girl died only a few days before Daisy and time seems to have taken on a new, and confusingly contradictory, quality since then.

As for me, I do believe AF has arrived! Of course with everything that's been going on with my body, it's hard to know for sure, but until I find out otherwise, I'm going to assume it is. Thought I ovulated 16 days ago - I get ov pains - so it would make sense. Now all I can hope for is regular-ish cycles to establish themselves.
Love to all xxx

[fanjodisfunction]

august I will be thinking of you first year anniversary its a hard one to get through. So sorry you and Dh cant get to Jacobs grave to tidy it up if I was living near you I would go and do it for you. Is there no one who can do it for you? If not maybe ring up the chapel and see if anyone there could point you in the right direction.
And I second what the other ladies have said you didnt fail Jacob, I know failure is an amotion we all feel as mothers of Angels. You did everythign you could do for him, you have also given him a younger sibling. You think about him all the time and you are worrying about his resting place thats not failing your son. Cry and hug your boys.

[Whatevertheweather]

Not sure if it's hormones but fan august and Kleine your posts all made me cry.

Fan what a lovely thing to say that all our babies are like family. I hope they have all found each other, as we have. I know how grateful I am that you tend to Erin's cemetery

August glad to hear Adam is doing so well. You are such a lovely mummy. I totally understand the guilt feelings - I have them already and I know they'll get worse when she arrives and I don't feel up to doing much on Erin's birthday as will only be 10 days post section. I second the suggestion of asking family/friends to pop up and tidy around if they can. Katie and I are going to try and find big pebbles today so that she can paint them for Erin. I'm going to buy a new candle and wind spinner. Then on her birthday we are taking pink balloons with messages on to the cemetery to release for her and some flowers arrangements from the florist. And Katie wants her to have a cake! That's our plan for her birthday - very simple. Maybe if you can think of a plan, involve your older boys, you will feel better. It is rotten timing that dh is poorly. Jacob is in your heart, not in the cemetery, so even if you don't go there on Sunday he will be with you wherever you are. You have not failed him. Big hugs my friend xxxx

Kleine your words about being thankful to our angels for our rainbow babies are just perfect. Thank you - I will try and think that way. Glad AF has arrived in a timely fashion and your cycles are sorting themselves out.

Yay for peaks and swi Blizy Good luck at the doctors

Waves little9 hope you are doing as well as you can xx

[blizy]

What lovely words kleine .

Well, it seems I am suffering from depression. I scored 20/27 on the questionnaire thing. My Dr is offering me AD's, but I'm not sure I want to go down that route. I have my telephone consultation next Friday for counselling, so I'm hoping I qualify for some counselling.

[fanjodisfunction]

blizy at least now you know that you do have depression and u can get the help you need. Hugs to you, its hard to hear. I hope the counselling helps.

wtw less than a week. I can't wait to hear the birth annoucment.

poppet glad AF has arrived.

I am boiling! Can't wait for home time.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

hello all. Wow, lots of activity on the thread at the moment. In reading through the past few days, I am really struck by just how much love there is on this thread - for our angels, for our rainbows, for each other... you are all very special people, and it is a privilege to be among you all, each facing huge challenges with such grace and courage.

[Whatevertheweather]

(((Hugs))) Blizy hopefully though a step to helping you feel better. Hope the telephone assessment goes well x

I bet you are Fan!!

I'm wilting too just been traipsing round the garden centres getting a few bits for Erin. Big thumbs up to Hambrooks who let us take whatever stones we wanted from their display rather than buying a massive bag when Katie told the lovely man she wanted to paint them for her sister who had died for her birthday

How's the Olympics going Mias? xx

[KleinePoppet]

blizy sending you lots of love. I also really hope your telephone consultation goes well.
(I remember babysitting a friend's kids downstairs a couple of years ago, while she had her initial consultation on the phone upstairs. She was in floods of tears afterwards but it was the beginning of something REALLY positive for her. I so, so hope it is the same for you.)

Waves to all - esp the very nice man at wtw's garden centre - what a sweetheart!

[KleinePoppet]

Quick message, as I'm not sure I'll be back on here during the weekend - hope everyone enjoys the sunshine. august I am thinking of you all, especially of Jacob.

Looks like DH and I are now back on the ttc wheel... sigh ... but it's the only thing we want to do, and has now been okay'd by two consultants. So I am officially throwing my hat into the ring.

Love to all xxx

[Bluetinkerbell]

wtw do we need to put up an official countdown

Had such a busy week with having holiday club at work! Very tiring but very rewarding as well :)

26 weeks tomorrow :)

[Whatevertheweather]

Just Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to get through after today! Having been feeling positive am absolutely wracked with fear and anxiety today. Struggling to believe she will actually come home

Going to see batman tonight with dp so hopefully that will take my mind of it for a while. SIL had her baby this morning - 2hrs after arriving at the hospital a healthy 9lb boy was born Day before due date too!

Don't over do it blue x

Good to see your hat in the ring Kleine. Hope your ttc journey is a quick one xx

Waves and love to all xx

[Mechavivzilla]

Not a great weekend for me. Three months tomorrow since we lost Dexter.

Having another child is not a betrayal. It is not a replacement. It is a much loved sibling for a child we miss dearly, every day.

Really am thinking about us all, and all our angels and rainbows. It is kind of a family thing here, isn't it?

[Bluetinkerbell]

It surely is a family thing Mech

and so true what you write, definitely not a betrayal! nor a replacement! x

[amyboo]

Creeping back on here very nervously. I've been lurking for the last couple of months, as I've been finding everything quite hard to deal with. Several of my closest friends have announced pregnancies, which I've found quite hard to handle. I've been following you all though and definitely sharing in your ups and downs. It's just over 3 months since we lost our little boy Thomas at 35 weeks and I definitely miss him every day. I still find myself getting quite upset.

Again very nervously I got a bfp this morning, 4 days after af was due. I tested the day af was late and got a very faint positive after about 8 minutes, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. This morning it was a definite bfp. I thought I'd be panicky, but I think I'm ignoring it, like I don't want to believe it's true. If my pregnancy is successful, the baby would be due on 17 April, 5 days before Thomas' one year anniversary. I think I'll just carry on trying not to think about it till I get home and see my gynaecologist (am on holiday at the moment).

I'm so sorry for those new ladies who have joined here since I was last on the thread.

[Bluetinkerbell]

Congratulations amy big hugs as well! x it's not easy and you will worry all the way through, but we're right here to hold your hand! x