Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of elly for your scan and fan for your appt today.

Plus a big hug for babyh. How was your weekend, and trip into town? My wkend was ok, but it was DH's turn to feel dreadful. Isn't it just awful when your other half is SO sad and you can't do anything about it...
Also, don't seem to have ov'd, sigh.

Hi all, wishing you a good start to the week.

Hi all,
Good luck with your scan today ELLY. I have everything crossed for you.

TWINKLE, of course I remember you! It doesn't seem like enough time has passed for you to be twelve weeks already, iykwim? I doesn't blame you for struggling with what they put on your notes, not very sensitive. I hope they are better in other ways with you....
I also just love the memory quilt idea.

BLIZY, glad you finally got the help from doc. I hope it makes a difference for you.... It's not right that things are so hard.

MECHA, how did yesterday go? It doesnt seem like it can be five months does it? Merryn would have been six months in 11 days, I can't make sense of that. It has got easier, but in other ways it's just the same. I dont go out with friends much anymore, I just don't want to. Maybe that'll change, but not sure it will if I'm honest.
Thanks for your well wishes, I didn't actually have scan, just saw the doc, so no idea really how baby is, just that that's not what cramps were! Don't officially have scan till 12 wks, but may need one at eight weeks for sanity reasons....

BABYH, thanks for your kindness, I hope your trip to town was as good as it could be? I didn't go out much for ages, sometimes I still have to steel myself in our small local town because I always bump into someone. It has got a bit easier now though. Seeing a baby in the sling we had, or the pram still sends me reeling.... Take care lovely lady! Xxx

KLEINE, I hope the week will be gentler than the WE on you and your DH. I'm cross that your cycles are not cycling properly yet, it's not fair. X

TOO, sounds tough at the BF group, these moments tend to jump out don't they? I was getting prescription at chemist and the woman looked me up on system to see if I could have it free because pregnant, this preg wasn't listed yet, but time with Merryn was, and she said something about small gap, and my other baby. It took me a minute to understand, and explain. She tried to be kind I think, but grabbed my hand and said, 'well these things make us stronger'! I just smiled and left.

Waves to FAN, SPLILT and everyone else.

Our WE with ILs is over, glad to be home. It was surreal not only never mentioning Merryn ( I did) but also that they don't know about BFP. Too much unsaid. ( although it has occurred to me how googlable my posts here are, which I wasn't bothered about until BFP, so everyone may know now anyway! Serves them right if they read what's not addressed to them, I guess!) .

green welcome back home (by which I mean to the thread, of course ). I am still so so glad for you that your little bean is ok...
Well done on surviving the weekend. And on mentioning Merryn at your ILs. I expect, like me, it's impossible for you NOT to mention her, but still, well done as I know how hard and weird and awkward it can be.

I know so very exactly what you mean about people possibly reading this - so I try not to share TOO much of other people's stuff - but after that I just try to think, well, if they were to read how I really feel, it's not the end of the world really - is it?
However I am now going to contradict myself completely and say something about someone else's stuff . My ILs, like yours, don't mention our daughter. But they announced on the phone the other day that they are going for bereavement counselling. I am ashamed to say that my first reaction when DH told me, apart from 'what?!', was - they don't get to do that. They don't get to have counselling. Not after they try to sweep her death under the carpet and tell us - have another, it will all be fine, oh and by the way we're having a lovely holiday...

And of COURSE, really, I think it's a good thing. My SIL basically told them they had to do it, as they are being such a PITA. I very much hope it helps our relationship with them. And I am really quite ashamed of how selfish my emotions are at the moment. I feel as if E 'belongs' to DH and I, and we get to decide who can 'share' her, based on how helpful or otherwise they are being. Unbelievably complicated, this grief malarky, isn't it?

Yes, my cycle, or lack of one, is starting to annoy me now. My patience is wearing ever-so-slightly thin. But I fear I may have a few more months of this. So am trying not to go bananas !! DH and I so, so desperately want a chance to try for our second baby...

My parents are on their way here for a couple of days now, so I will take them to E's grave later I think.
Love to all xx

PS my aunt has just texted me. This week marks the 16th anniversary of the death of my cousin, her baby DS2, from SIDS Her words exactly confirm what everyone here has said - it never goes away, but it does get easier xx

Morning lovely ladies.

Kliene: So sorry for your DH......in a wierd kind of way I tend to find strength when he is sad and pull myself together a bit. Know what you mean about the ILS trying not to resent them is hard. When my SIL was going to visit with the baby a week last Sunday......I was thinking 'if the boot was on the other foot would it have been acceptable for me to turn up at her home with A?'. I also find I never get annoyed with my own mum and dad so know I am a bit biased in that way. I bet your glad your parents are visiting today....hope E's grave isnt too wet after all the rain we've had x
Sorry about your Nasty cycle......I'm in the same boat as you on that front and dont think ive OV'd this month. Have started taking Royal Jelly in the hope it might regulate me.(Read about it on the SANDS forum) Feel sorry for my DH because my hormones are all over the place at the moment!!

Green: Do you think the ILS didn't mention Merryn because they dont want to upset you? I would like to think thats the reason but hate the thought (like Kliene said) that they are just brushing it under the carpet for their own selfish reasons. Hope its sinking in about the growing rainbow and your getting your head round everything. Roll on 2013 chick I know M like A is always going to be in 2012 but I cant wait for this year to be done with! xxxxxx

PS Sod anyone who googles us.......maybe it will give them a bit of insight into how we are really feeling!!!!

Thinking of ELLY and Fans appointments x

WTW: Love your girls pics before the farm they are stunners x

Hope everyone else is doing ok xxxx

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Yesterday passed, we went to visit him and I did a lot of crying. It's odd, he is of course never far from my thoughts, but I find the 30th- 12th really really hard. It brings everything back so vividly. I remember when he had good days and when he had scares, when I was discharged and when we rushed back in. It is just like a nightmare and I can't escape.

Am working today which does help. Doing Mondays and Fridays til the end of the month then I am back full time and it will be like nothing has changed.

"Speaking" to you all on here really does help, more than I can say, but I am so sorry we all know how this feels.

Thinking about us with hard times and appointments. I think I am due to OV this weekend, so this is our first proper week of SWI and I am rather conflicted. I feel disloyal somehow.

Sorry not to name check, reading and running but I cannot say how much I appreciate you all. Virtual Dinner party at mine later? I really would have you all round if I could x

MECHA, I wish I could help. I have my 'bad' days from the 12th to the 18th, I remember the hope and terror and pain and shock of it. It's nothing to what my little girl went through, of course. You must not ever think any right thinking person would ever think it is like 'nothing' has happened. All of us are just a blink in the scheme of things, our little ones are a shorter blink, but they have had so much love from us, and will continue to.

I know what you mean about feeling conflicted and disloyal too. I am sitting here six weeks pregnant hoping so much it is a girl. I don't think I want to replace Merryn, but if given the choice this baby would look like her, at least a bit. And I feel more guilty than I thought possible. I would of course love a little boy completely, but I would have to get over a confusing feeling of loss too. So, yes, I understand disloyal. I can, if I am very very lucky replace a baby to my chest, but it is not the baby I long for. I hope I can get to grips soon!

KLEINE, your ILs sound hard work! I understand what you mean about the feeling of 'ownership' over our little ones. I think it is a natural mothering reaction, a kind of protection. I remember the feeling with my two sons, and with our babies not here we are no less their mothers. My Inlaws wanted to hold a mass for Merryn in the NE, and I had a fit. They backed away from the idea, thankfully. Now I feel a bit less strongly about it, but she is 'mine' and I will grieve her in my way, it is all I have. (I did let my FIL bless her and name her while she was in GOSH, and that was hard enough, as I am not religious, but it helped them, he used to be a catholic priest).
I hope the counselling can help your ILs appreciate better how you and their son are feeling, and how they can help you, it sounds like they need help with that!
Have you managed to go to Es grave with your parents? The sun is out here, I hope it shines for you too. Sending you peace and hope. Xxx

Quick message, having a little rest while my parents are out... yes we did get to E's grave, it was good to go, despite the mud and rain. Really nice for them, to go again, lay flowers, etc.

Huge waves to green and babyh and mecha and everyone else. Will come back tomorrow or day after and reply properly.
But, mech, I am totally up for a virtual dinner party at yours! I also wish that you lot lived round the corner... In the circumstances, though, virtual parties sound like a good alternative. I'm making Thai pork curry tonight, shall I bring it?

Mecha, missed your dinner party invite! Count me in! I'll bring some pudding.... I'm up for comfort food tonight, so tiramisu I think ( I'm not allowed the coffee or the booze, but it's virtual)!

mecha I think feelings of conflict and disloyalty are very much part and parcel of wanting a rainbow baby. But our desire for a child does not negate the love we have for our other children.

Green, like you, I think I want to have another little girl, but it is only something I can admit here, never in real life. Everyone keeps telling me I am having a little boy... Mia was absolutely everything I could have ever wished for, and I feel guilty about that for this child growing inside me. They are not her, and they never will be. I know I will love them dearly, but it will always be tinged with a love for my beautiful girl too.

MiasMummy, I guess when I was pregnant with my second boy I felt that I could never have another child so perfect, or beutiful or loved as my first. I worried that they would feel second best. Now they are 10 and 5, and so different, but I think I just grew a second heart. I love my first just as much, and my second too. I just found more love. And then there is Merryn, who I will always love in a different way, full of longing and loss, but just as perfectly. You don't need to worry, I can't promise much on this thread, but I know your heart will swell just as full of love for this new little one as it has for Mia. Your love isn't 'tinged' with a love for Mia, it's informed and perfected by it. She taught you how, didn't she?

green thank you , that is a much better way of thinking of things. You are right, Mia taught me so very well.

MIASMUMMY, (did feel a bit like I was telling you how to suck eggs, mind, sorry)!

Sorry not to name check, I will read back later. Just thought I would check in and tell you all how it went at the consultant appointment.
I have fibroids as we all know, he said they are not very big and are not making my womb a different shape which is good. He could see nothing wrong. He said it was just unfortunate that I had had so much tragedy this year. But he did say that he is encouraged that I have been pg twice so thinks I must be very fertile. My ovaries look very healthy.

Also he said that if I fall pg again and it is a miscarriage then to be referred straight away to them. Also if it isn't, but if it is a healthy pg then I have to go through the normal channels first and then asked to be referred due to fibroids and stillbirth.

But they did say because Ophelias death was an accident then they wouldn't refer me straight away. I would get extra scans and appointments for reasurrance. He was a nice doctor but a bit blunt and I did come away feeling a bit of a desperate crazy woman but I think that's my own issues, nothing he said.

So there we go, I do feel relieved but also annoyed that there was no reason for beanbag or bungle to have gone full term.

fan gosh that's a mixed bag isn't it. Great that he thinks you are fertile and have every reason to carry safely to term, but I can only imagine the sense of frustration and sadness that it didn't happen for beanbag and bungle. And I know they are following their protocols but it does feel very offhandish and dismissive when the say "go off, get pg, and if you miscarry we'll investigate". As if the emotional cost of a miscarriage isn't significant, and it's all very matter of fact How are you feeling?

green your second heart comment really got me.

mecha I'm on my way! Bringing the and huge stash of crisps mmmm xx

I went out with my pinned on smile this morning, felt very fake. You know when everyone says hi how are you? And you pause and think.... you really want to know?? Today the answer would have been "I feel hollow and heavy inside, and am just pretending to be a normal person". Instead I pretended very well and did the big smile, fine thanks, how are you? Spent this afternoon being a hermit, and cuddling Freya whilst she did a mammoth feed/sleep session infront of Downton. Was lovely actually, fab bit of trashy tele escapism. too I saw you on the Downton thread picking holes in the totally improbable plot Poor Edith. What a twatty git Strallan was to her.

Hi all - fan, how conflicting. Good that the fibroids aren't too big etc, but how difficult to not have a reason for beanbag & bungle to not have made it. Sending cyber-hugs.

Well, after a sleepless night last night, we got to the hopsital for the scan - baby is fine, little heartbeat etc thank god. We are soooo relieved, I cannot tell you. Dated at just over 8 weeks, so in line with my dates & last scan. Next scan is on 25th Oct, so countdown is on again now!!

Will read back and respond properly tomorrow, just wanted to let you all know how I got on.

Thinking about us all, and sending big hugs xxx

Hi all.... I always lurk around reading your posts, but not posting. I had a mc in the end of June and our dreams went away. I was 12 weeks gone.
Anyway...today I was posting because I wanted to share with you all my view as a rainbow baby myself.
My parents had 2 ds and after few years felt in theid hearts that they wanted ( hopefully) another.
My mum duly got pregnant soon afterwards but was advised that after 2 cesarians( she is disabled) that would be the last one.
Everything went well until she suddenly went into labour 2 weeks short of 7 months into the pregnancy.
This was the end of 60s and she had to have a cs and my sister Maria Isabel was born.
The doctors explained to my parents that their little baby would not survive due to many health problems and Mum and Dad were given my sister so they could spend time with her. She died hours later and my mother still recovering in hospital had to tell my Dad to get a tiny white coffin as funerals in my country are not delayed.
My parents suffered intensively and my brothers did as well ( about 7 and 8 yo).
They grieved and against odds after one year my mother was able to conceive again and here I am.
I was never second best, my sister never forgotten....
I was told about Maria Isabel before I can even remember....not with sadness but as a sister waiting for me in heaven.( I must say that I was naughty for both of us....and felt lovely to me like that....like a comrade you know?)
My parents heart just got bigger and we are all loved. My mother was able to help me when we had our loss.

Just wanted to share....hope it helps...

ELLY, was hoping you'd find your way here tonight! Thank goodness! That's such great news, you must be soo relieved! I needed a reason to grin today, and you've provided it! I hope you can sleep tonight!

fan, hmmmm. Not the most sensitive of consultants then. I do wonder if they have any idea sometimes? Good that they think no 'problem' iykwim. I hope you can take the good from what they said, and ignore the ignorance!

Well, this afternoon I finally got up the nerve to phone the MWs to book in. I have my bloods taken tommorow, and the appt in two weeks. The MW on the phone wanted to know about Merryn, so I had that surreal experience of enjoying getting to talk about her, but a fairly difficult conversation. I will be under a diff. mW from Merryns, who was useless, so that's a relief.

We are off to Centerparcs on Fri. It's a bit confusing, but we went for a break there in Jan, a day after the scan where we found out Merryn had the tumour. Obviously not the best trip. As a gift, my mum booked us another week in Oct, and we told the boys it was her birthday presents to them both. So can't cancel. We are in the hut next door to the one we had last time. They sent me an email confirming, with two children and an infant, as we had booked for Merryn. She would have been six months while we are there. I remember thinking would her operation scar have healed enough for her to be in the baby pool. I don't want to go. I vividly remember standing in the pool, in my maternity swimsuit and sobbing with panic for my baby, telling the boys it was the bloody clorine. I don't know if I am strong enough to make it a good trip for the boys. I haven't mentioned it on here because I've been denying its approaching. I just don't want to go. I've done enough this year, its too much. I just want to stop pretending I'm ok.

Cross posted NOTS.... Thanks for your lovely post. It made me cry! I have two boys, aged 10and almost five, and they lost their sister in April when she was six days old. I worry so much about how it will affect them. I am also a little bit pregnant with another. Your post has helped me see they might be ok. I don't know, it's still early. My little boy sings songs in school about his dead sister, and is so against me having more babies, but it will work out hopefully.
I'm so sorry you had a MC. It is horrible, but I'm glad your Mum could support you through it. Xxx

Green....children are very strong. They were terribly upset when she died.
My mother could not bring herself to tell them about me until the actual birth. And they loved me as only boys can .... throughout my childhood they teased me and taught me how to box, swear, etc....she was very much part of our lives as the good sister and me as not so...
That is how brothers are....and how they drove from London in the middle of the night because ( they said- not me) my sister would be busy with my baby .... and were here in Manchester to support us....
Naughty wonderful brothers I have....

Green- I have no words but I am sending you a huge squishy hug (((0))).

Fan- I'm glad there is no real problem, but I get what you mean about almost wanting something to be wrong so if can be fixed.

Nots- thank you for your post, I think I speak for most of us here by saying, reading what you said is a comfort. I am sorry you also of your baby, I hope you are blessed with your own rainbow in the the near future.

Also to add sorry green for this stressful time you are going through.... xx

Notsoold, I'm welling up at your post. I'm so glad your angel sister was a part of your life. That's what I want for Thea - that she's a part of Maia's life and that of any other brothers and sisters who come along in the future. Thank you so much for posting. I'm so sorry to hear about your mc, and am wishing you all the best for a sticky bean.

Green, if you don't want to go back to CentreParcs, don't go. Honestly, as you say, you've been through enough. Could your mum take the boys instead of you? It all sounds too close to last year.

Your love isn't 'tinged' with a love for Mia, it's informed and perfected by it - this is such a lovely way of putting it! Our love for our other children is informed and perfected by our love for our angels. Thank you for writing that down - it's made me feel happy tonight.

Elly, so pleased everything was fine with the scan! It's such a lovely thing, listening to or watching the hb. They were the only times I felt calm, at least until M started to kick a lot more frequently. Do you have an Angel Sounds doppler? Mine saved me from numerous panics - although I had to have DH with me when I was using it, because I knew if I couldn't find the hb I would freak out.

Spilt, glad Downton helped a bit. Strallen is a git!

Fan, my lovely, how are you feeling now? It's a lot to take in. It is excellent news that you are fertile and your ovaries are healthy and so on, but on the other hand it would be nice to get a reason for what happened with Beanbag and Bungle. In some ways I wish there had been an actual answer for you, along the lines of 'yes, this is what's wrong, but here, we know how to fix it'.

notso your story about your sister is very comforting, I do appreciate understanding your unique position. Your family sounds very special. But so sorry to hear about your own mc too.

green saying here that you don't want to go is a first important step. Perfectly understandable to feel that way. Is there anyway you can rearrange the time to go, perhaps when it is less sensitive for you, and do something else special for the boys instead? I am thinking that if your mother or DH rang up and explained the situation, you are more than likely to find a sympathetic ear.

elly lovely news, thank you for sharing!

fan I would take the positives from that consultant meeting - you now have more information about your body, your fibroids aren't too big, and you know you are very fertile... yes, you have had horrible bad luck too, but there is a rainbow baby (or two, or three, or...) waiting in your future.

spilt brave you, pinning on that smile and enduring. I would probably gone down the other route and said what you were thinking. You are obviously very brave and considerate!!