Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Thanks v much all for your support. He's latest " cock up" ( excuse the pun) looking at porn , but not any porn ( S & M) which I m not prudish about but when our sex life is virtually non- existent is a bloody cheek. Then I caught him at it again on his phone ( which I pay for!!!) so I took the phone off him , his it!!! He found it & hid it again!!!
Today after I ve told him its over ( we ve been here in the past before with dodgy websites etc...) he has told me he s got a problem feels addicted to it , doesn t get a thrill or anything from it but can t stop himself...has asked for my help to find a counsellor but I don t know if he's just said this now as he's finally realised how serious this is & how much he ll lose...
Don t know & my head hurts from it all...
Quite frankly despise him at the moment...
Work , ridulcous today : so busy & my manager still off sick so sorting out the Xmas off duty ( which is a nightmare in itself!!!) dealing with staff whinging etc...
So tired now
Fan so glad all went well with your scan & you're getting sorted.
Wtw centre parks , cool. We first took Phebs away at 6 weeks old , she was fine.. Xx
Elly xxx glad you re getting the help u need xx
Hi Mech is it you making presents? Good god you re good I ve not got the time or inclination!?! We re really cutting down on Xmas this year £20 a present for siblings, mum & dad a bit more , animals : a token gift & me & ant are suppose to be going away to Thoresby Hall for our Xmas presents but we ll see!!!
Blizy xxx
Hi all ; crap weather , so cold & wet ... Just horrible xxxx

blizy hoping your DH's date with the cup goes well and you get some results soon.

wtw that sounds brill! Lapland is brill, would love to take my kids there one day when we finally have some.

I'm just waiting for my nezt appointment which will be monday, filled out my questionaire yesterday, have to tweek it abit so they get my concerns better. I'm so happy now that I have been referred, I love my new doctor.

Waves to everyone hoping its a good day for you all.

angel I'm so sorry that you and Ant are both having such a hard time. I don't have any advice - I wish I did - but, it is in my character to wish that people are able to stay together happily, and I so much hope that can be possible for you. If that's not to be the case, then we will of course all be here to support you xx

fan great news that you are feeling so positive about yesterday and your appt next week too. I'm really glad that they are seeing you so quickly.
elly hugs from me to you...
babyh your SIL sounds incredibly unhelpful and, to be honest, a little rude. It also continues to amaze me a little that your PILs thought it would be ok to bring her round with the baby without asking. I sympathise as we have experienced difficulties with family members too.
blue I'm glad you've found somewhere for Ella's party!
blizy hope that all is well with you, and also that after today you get DH's results asap so that you can hopefully put your minds at rest a little.
mecha alas that it wasn't a BFP - but, now you have officially started ttc, so you are on the road to your second baby.

spilt really agree with the others, do talk about Freya's birth if you need to. I also, like fan, wanted to ask if you thought that some of the trauma also stemmed from Bobbie's birth? It truly sounds awful enough anyway, but you are dealing with the loss of Bobbie in addition, and I wondered if it was making it even harder. Poor you.
miasmummy are you getting all the planned DIY done? We find we tend to write exceptionally over-optimistic lists of what we can achieve, and are then always disappointed when we don't manage all of it! I hope you are having a really wonderful, fun, productive week.
wtw I'm so sorry, I missed your last post. I'm so sorry you were feeling so awful. I am somehow not surprised that you wrote that your bad days now are as bad as they were at the beginning - that's what I'm expecting, I think - that I won't miss E any less in the future, but that I will learn to cope with missing her and have more good days; but then, on bad days, it will be just the same, as I will miss her just as much as before. That's the 'foreverness' of it, isn't it. Really bloody hard. Glad you have booked a hol though! Sounds lovely.

Have a good day everyone and hope no one is too affected by all the rain/floods.

Angel... I am very cross (polite) with your dh. This is not the effort he promised you. Do you think he would go to a councillor? It might be worth a try? I hope you somehow manage to find each other again on holiday, a break can do that can't it?

MIA'S, a staycation sounds like a lovely idea! We, like KLEINE, are good at over optimistic list making.... I hope you get lots done but have lots of good times too!

FAN, I'm really glad for you that the appt went so well, you sound very possitive about this new doctor? I hope they come up with some plans for you.

BLZY, thinking about Mr Blizy, but not in an inappropriate way, of course!

MECHA, sorry this isn't the month, but glad your cycle has 'cycled' iykwim.

BABYh, I'm a bit shocked that your family didn't realise a small baby would be too much right now. I'm glad your DH is looking after you by saying no. Family can be so flipping unhelpful when we need them to be the opposite.

WTW, thanks for what you said about Js party. I just want him to have good memories of this year too. And for him to know we didn't loose sight of him or his brother while grieving. It was such a bonus that Merryn was 'there' for everyone, I didn't expect that.
Centerparcs in Dec sounds magical, k will absolutely love it! Lapland would be amazing, but so expensive! (weve drooled over the idea in previous years) It would be one to remember forever though!

ELLY, your meeting sounds so hard lovely lady. Your little girl must have been such a fighter to hang on long enough to hug you. I wish, well I just wish.
Hot choc and bubble and squeak sounded perfect.... I hope you are having a peaceful week and the rain has let the sun through.

BLUE, ooooh Ikea trip sounds fun! I think the party you've planned sounds great fun, and I wouldn't blink at the time, I think it's just right, and will be nice and quiet like you say.

How can anyone possibly be prepared for Christmas so early? I can't even think about it for another month ( or two)!

Well, after the week of activity and late nights I now have a week of not much on, kids both out all day and dp in London. The house isn't even that messy. So have spent today a sobbing wreck. I have to dry up now in time to look normal for the school run.
I still haven't booked in with my consultant yet, am waiting until past 6 weeks as Mcd there before. (Then it'll be getting to 12 weeks, as Mcd there time before that, then the 19 week scan,where they would be able to detect if baby has tumour. Then 30 weeks when preeclamsia might crop up. Then 32 weeks when Merryn was born... And it's all within 5 calendar days of Merryns pregnancy, this baby would be due on the 1st of June and Merryn was due on the 6th).
I know how lucky I am to even get to be pregnant and worry about all this, but it just feels impossible that this will end with a baby that can come home with me and grow up. I'm being so selfish, the boys are happy with each other, this is my need not my families. Why have I even considered putting them through this again? I hope if it goes wrong it happens before they have to know about it.
We are going to the Inlaws up north for the WE and the only thing I can think of to pack is the packs of maternity pads I keep in case of MC. I need to get a grip. Shake me someone please. I don't like being this negative, and I will have bloody well stopped by 2.50. I'm just scared.

KLEINE, sorry I posted without talking to you! I think it's because you asked after everyone, but didn't tell us how you are today? I hope you have sunshine at least... And that it's not a 'bad day' for you, or if it is you are looking after yourself.
How are you finding this autumn of ours? Do you get comfort in the wind and the colours, or is the cold and the moving on of the year a difficult thing? I will always see Merryn in bluebells ( especially the stray pink ones that always crop up) and springtime, and I was cross when summer replaced this. it don't seem possible or fair that anything changed.
You said you liked hearing what our little ones were wearing ( I think it's lovely and brave that you bought another little outfit, by the way). Merryn was wearing a baby grow that Dp had bought in london in a rush when they said she would be delivered. It was meant to be her going home suit. There was another, but we gave it to the NICU, I wish I had kept it. We thought about changing her when she came home to Devon ( we had so many dresses), but she had hated being moved, so we wrapped her in a blanket I had made that both the boys had used, and tucked in a little stuffed bird I had made out of an antique doily my grandmother had embroidered. She also held a bluebell from our garden from each of us (and a pink one for her) on the day we drove her in our car to the crem. I like to hear us all talk about our babies too. It keeps them with us a bit.

Sorry no time to namecheck, will read back later.

Green: Just wanted to send you a great big hug. Its going to be a hard 9 months. As the lovely Kliene said we will eventually just learn to 'COPE' with whats happened.......... none of us will ever move on from it. My mum said that God is kind and Im hoping this pregnancy will be as perfect as it can be under the circumstances. We will all be here to hold your hand for the next 9 months. Wishing with all my heart your pain eases chick xxxxxx

PS The blanket and stuffed bird sound truly beautiful. When you talked about the drive to the crem I was thinking about our drive to the cemetary and our DS's tiny white coffin.....it all seems so unfair that our little ones will never have a life. Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter Merryn.xxxxxxxxx

Sorry for not catching up on all your news. Love to all will be back later. Thank you for all your kind thoughts about my tough weekend have dusted myself down and ready to face the world again.

Thinking of the appointment ladies especially Blizy today xxxx

Angel sending a massive hug to you too xxxxxxxxxx

Green: Forgot to say Im so sorry that your feeling scared as well. Be strong for your lovely boys........maybe a big hug from them will cheer you up rather than a virtual one from me : ) Hopefully if you try and busy yourself getting ready for the weekend it will take your mind off everything......maybe the break will do you good and occupy your mind. Sending you lots of love xxxxx

Oh Angel ((())) I want to scoop you up and hug you. What a dick Ant is being. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this. The porn is one thing the lies and broken promises quite another What are you doing about holiday? I'd be tempted to take Phebs and leave him behind! xxx

Kleine you are spot on in your description of the 'foreverness' of missing our babies. I think the depth and breadth of all our grief is just a measure of just how much all our children are loved xx

Green my love. I promise you I could have written your post about 9.5months ago. I said so many times, if this baby isn't coming home please let me miscarry early. Not that that wouldn't have been utterly heartbreaking but somehow easier. We didn't tell K until I was 21 weeks. We'd had the anomaly scan, found out she was a girl and really couldn't hide it much longer. Im not going to tell you it'll be easy but I'll tell you what angel spilt cheese et al told me - take it one day at a time, that's all you can do. Every day that passes is a day closer to meeting your baby. I didn't feel connected to Holly at all at first but by 25/26 weeks i just couldn't help it. With you all the way my friend. Understanding hugs xx

Blizy how did it go for dh today? How long for results?

Waves fan blue mias babyh mech how are you lovely ladies?

Still haven't rung for my biopsy results Am sticking my head in the sand presuming all is fine as I haven't heard from them. We are hoping to get Holly christened on Dec 23rd - a Christmas christening for our festively named baby Need to speak to the priest and see if it's feasible given the closeness to Christmas. Also the priest we would want to do it (he christened Katie and blessed Erin at the hospital and did her funeral) has now moved to a different parish - I'm hoping he's allowed to come back and do it. Is that allowed does anyone know??

Love to all xx

green My lovely, I am sending you a huge hug. The other ladies have got through with angels mantra "today I am pregnant". We will be here to hold your hand every step of the way and beyond.

angel Your H ( dosen't derserve the "D") is being a total knob. I hope you are happy with whatever outcome you decide on ((hugs)) and for you. Anytime you need to rant, vent or scream we are here. x

fan I'm glad you have a good doctor who is taking you seriously.

big waves to everyone else, sorry my head is frazzled and I forgot most of what I have just read.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts for dh today, he managed his sample fine, we get the results in around 10-14 days.

Thanks all for your support.
Blizy glad mr Blizy " managed" ... Here's hoping the next 14 days flys by ( for you but not me!!!)
WtW we re having Phebs christened next year ( didn t get it organised this year in time) by the minster who performed Georgie's blessing& cremation service. He's a lovely guy we met at the hospital when I delivered Georgie & he was on call ( thank god!!! If u can say that) he's not all godly & religious (like us) and I felt a real connection with him. A Xmas christening sounds fab. I , too, would love to go to Lapland. Yes, we re all going on holiday , not leaving him behind!!! Though, good thought!!!
Green what you re feeling is totally normal ... Those 8.5 months , at the time, seemed the longest of my life , but now I can only remember parts of them. Your wait & torture will be so worth it at the end & unfortunately we ve no choice ; if we want a baby we have to go through this ; brash but the way it is I m afraid .., we re all here every step of the way & don t forget many of us have made it to the other side... Xxxx
Kleine hope u re ok?
Hi babyh xxxx
Love to all ; been so busy at work not really thinking about the Ant situation. He's referred himself to a support group ... We ll just have to see how that pans out & he says if he doesn t get any benefit from that will see a counsellor. He's found a few local counsellors , some specialise in sexual addictions etc..., he's making the right moves but only time will tell. So busy it keeps me occupied but break up from work tomorrow... Yippee...my manager on long term sick so I m stepping in to the breach as clinic manager... Eek!!! So much I don t know but thankfully very supportive , staff...
However one of our clinics is moving premises in 6 weeks; nightmare!!!!!
Thanks again all : I k really fine all that matters is I ve got my Phebs & she's perfect. My Georgie's perfect in her own way so I ve got my girls ( kind of) I ll be fine whatever. I m tough!!!! Xxx c

Well, I've got to grips slightly, thanks for all your lovely words and hugs! I think I just have to let this take me along with it, I can't do much. Not easy for someone who likes to be in control!

BLIZY, another wait then, but hopefully some answers that will help at the end of it for you....

ANGEL, I'm glad your 'H' is doing something, sounds like he is scared to loose you?

BABYH, yes, a hug from the boys did help, as did the virtual one from you! (my little one is snoring away beside me now!) I'm glad you are feeling a little better. It's such an unpredictable thing grief isn't it? I am finding as time passes I can predict that my bad days will be when I have more space, but bad moments and private whirlwinds still hit when I'm in the car, or with friends, anytime really. I do have more good days now though, and it has got more bearable. I'm not the same person though, and I can't be sorry about that, all our children change us, I've found, and I'll try to make sure Merryn has changed me for the better too, I guess I owe her.

Take care everyone. X

Hello again everyone. Sorry for the absence - being back at work is proving quite busy and knackering.

Great to hear you're getting some answers fan
Hope you also get some answers from the test blizy
Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time babyh Sending virtual hugs
It's definitely tough green but I hope you're managing to relax about your pregnancy a bit now. If this pregnancy works, the due date is currently the exact date of Thomas' birth. Not great, but I guess it's quite common for ladies who've been through what we have.

I'm having a day of quite good news. Got offered my new job this morning, so am now just figuring out notice periods and stuff. I just have to confirm by email first, so I won't tell them about the pregnancy until I have a written contract in front of me I think. Also, just had an appointment with my gynae this lunchtime. DH came too for some moral support, and I think he was more terrified than I was! Scan showed that the baby has grown to a healthy 4cm (from 1.27cm at 7+5) and measurements put me at about 10+5. Have another scan booked for 2 weeks' time where he'll do the checks for Down's, but everything is going well for now at least. Phew. Only bummer is that my revised dates now put my due date at 22 April - the exact day that our lovely little DS2, Thomas, was born and died :-(

Hello all. Hope no one has been swept out to sea? I am up in the north of Scotland and there have been some brilliant pictures on the news of the sea foam taking over Aberdeen!

For Christmas I am time rich and money poor this year, so home made makes sense! I am not all that good at it though, so am hoping the gifts come out looking charmingly rustic as opposed to just shit looking at all the costs it works out to about £4-6 per gift suitable for a couple! We are buying for children, but only small "token" presents. It will be a bit tough for us this year I think, as we announced to PILs and my Mum that I was pregnant on Christmas day last year. I had been so looking forward to Dexter's first Christmas.

fan you sound so positive, it's lovely to hear. I am so glad you have a good consultant and things are moving forward in the way you want them to.

amy great news about the job offer, and the scan! I'm sorry the revised date has been moved to Thomas's day.

green just love. I can't even imagine how complicated you must be feeling. How everyone with rainbows on the way and here must feel. It is a shit club we have all joined, but there are lovely members. I am trying to be a mother Dexter would have been proud to have, but it is hard work some days. Lovely that you were able to feel Merryn around you on your boy's birthday.

Blizy hope the next fortnight goes quickly!

BabyH Am glad you got through your tough weekend. It is such a strange path we are on. We can never predict how we are going to feel one week to the next! Thinking about you.

Angel Sounds like your H is working on things. That has to be good at least? You can always threaten him with angry women from the internet if he misbehaves! Hope all goes well at work, sounds exciting.

WTW A christmas Christening for Holly sounds wonderful. I hope your results come back fine, but I am sure you are right. No news is good news!

Blue very jealous, I love ikea E's party and time with MIL sounds lovely.

Elly your appointment sounds very hard. Poor Nancy, and poor you. I hope you were able to find some peace.

Mias, Spilt, Kleine, Moomins, anyone I have missed, thinking about us all.

to everyone! Have just spent a lovely day with a friend and her youngest son, who is one of our godsons, and has just learnt my name

mecha we have not been swept out to sea, no (it's quite a long way from where we live!!) but last Sunday, in the park where we usually go walking on the weekend, a lady died after a part of a tree blew down on to her Just a couple of hours after we left.
I am also anticipating a difficult Christmas... there's no way around it, is there? We'll get through it - we've all been through much worse already. You are a strong lady xx

green you are sweet to ask about me! I hope very, very, very much that you are feeling a little more positive today. Such waves of emotion. I know what you mean about sometimes being able to predict it, and other times being caught unawares. Thinking of you very often.
I absolutely adore your description of what Merryn was wearing and holding. It just sounds perfect. E had her babygro and cardi on (yes and a hat and vest and nappy, because, well, she's a baby...), and then with her were my oldest special teddy - well, my only one really, I'm not big on cuddly toys so I didn't keep any others, but that one was my favourite from when I was small - an old musical toy of DH's that he had played to her through my tummy, a beautiful stone cross, and then a photo of the three of us with a prayer/note from us on the back.

Oh and about the weather - I am quite pleased it's autumn - though not so thrilled about the storms. But it's nice to watch the seasons change around E's grave; the leaves are falling on the grave now. We're going to plant some bulbs soon - we can do that in the ground for now, while it's still settling.

amy I'm so pleased about the job - I'm sure that telling them about your pregnancy will go well - let us know. I am even MORE pleased about your scan! Lovely news. I'm sorry that your due date is now on Thomas's birthday... are you planning to have an elective C-section? ie if so, will baby come before then?
angel you DO have a lot on at work, busy lady - not to mention everything else. Difficult times. But I am so pleased you have a holiday coming up now, and as I think someone else said, I hope that it's really beneficial, a proper break and time to talk but also time to enjoy yourself. You do deserve it xx

wtw if they've not called you about the biopsy then you're almost certainly right, it must be fine. Let us know though when you do manage to call. By no means are you a wimp!
Plans for Holly's christening sound so lovely. In our experience, it's usually fine for a particular vicar/priest to come and conduct a service - you'd usually just need the permission of whoever leads that particular church.

Am knackered now - even a lovely day of doing nothing but chatting and playing with a toddler is tiring at the moment. Might just go and collapse in front of a DVD. Oh, nearly forgot, obviously we still have no idea what my cycle is doing, but if it is ANYthing approaching normal then I may ov this week. My last 'cycle' involved a five-day LP, though, so am not expecting much clearly this is a lie but am desperately trying to remain realistic ...

Evening ladies.
Sorry I havent caught up on the thread yet. Wanted to share a photo of our beautiful boy with you lovely ladies. Didnt have a clue how to post a folder and restrict it to the group but I have managed to upload one. Can someone please check its not open to the world and is just limited to 'Love like starlight' please.
Thank you so much.
Back once Ive sorted the kids for bed......its a bit like the school run and quite time consuming : )

Oh God I feel so shite tonight. She's gone and nothing will ever change that Some days it just seems too heavy.

Oh split. Just sending you a massive virtual hug. I'm so sorry your feeling down tonight........life so bloody unfair. I know how much your struggling with everything lately with Freya's difficult birth playing on your mind as well. I wish I could make it better for you. Fingers crossed the bloody rain will stop because that depressing enough on its own. Its a long road but just remember you are not alone......

Chin up chick hope this awful feeling passes and thinking of you and your beautiful girls Bobbie and Freya xxxxxxx

babyh I have just seen your GORGEOUS boy (and yes, it's just posted in the group, so no one else will be able to see... I'm sure the others can back me up on this, as it's a secret group, isn't it). What a beautiful little man. I am so sad for you, but so glad you have pictures. Thank you for showing us xxx

spilt please also have a hug from me. Let it wash over you... we all know what it's like, it's awful, but it's an expression of just how deeply Bobbie sits inside your heart. Much love xxx

Thank you both xx kleine something about your wording unlocked the damn tears finally. Feel better for it, less oppressed.

Sorry to be a useless bugger and contribute knaff all to the thread apart from misery tonight, but you know how it is? Sometimes you can't see past your own fog.

Tomorrow I shall try and be less crap.

Love to all xx

spilt yes tears can really help sometimes, can't they. I am glad you feel a little better for it.
Also, you have inadvertently given me a new motto: 'Tomorrow I shall try and be less crap'

Hi all,

Have posted twice before & my messages seem to go astray. Not sure what's happening there.

Anyhow, 4½wks to go until I see someone at the Hosp (am now 10wks). I am nervous as we need to decide if I'm having an amnio. This is my 5th pg, & we only have one child living (& yes, I do count my blessings). Suspect I might be anaemic as am knackered all the time & need a nap each day (it is need, my body just gives up on me and forces a rest). Concentration is shot to blazes, but think it's because of my previous pgs/mcs/DS death - and knowing there is a 1 in 4 chance of same cond. Nothing Hosp can do atm apart from CVS (we're not doing), but it does mean I don't feel listened to/taken seriously. Not saying that is the case, just it feels that way. And it doesn't help, that some of the latest research I have heard about (from the cons doing it) ref how the condition presents, is being ignored - probably as I can't quote the study, although I can pass on the relevant cons email.

Hope all goes well with you all of you - and that we all have noisy wriggly healthy little ones soon.

spilt I didn't realise how close Bobbie and Mia are in age. Bobbie is nestled in your heart forever.

DH and I took a break from DIY today and went shopping and - deep breath - bought some baby things. The items we chose were lovely, but it was still hard. I used to love buying Mia new clothes, and it is hard not to look at styles and sizes she should be wearing now. We talked about whether we want this baby to wear some of Mia's newborn growsuits or not, and also discussed if and when we might need to clear out (or at least store) the rest of her clothes and what we should do with them. I can't bear to give them away, but not sure how I feel about seeing her sibling wearing them either. Sad decisions.

30 weeks tomorrow. Gestational diabetes tests are negative, which is good news. Bum muscle is still hurting, more than any pregnancy-related awkwardness. But less than three weeks to go until Mia's inquest... my parents arrive in a fortnight.

green oh yes, it is so complicated emotionally, and like whatever I could (and probably did) write something very similar to your own post. Yet of course you want Merryn's little sibling. It is a difficult balance, love and fear - but I continue to draw strength from angel, whatever, spilt, cheese and others here and their rainbow babies.

fan so glad you have had positive experiences with your consultant. Really hoping that this will turn the corner for you.

blizy yay for the successful date!!

angel not sure at all how you are keeping on top of things at work and at home. Strong woman !!

amy yay for the new job! yay for the scan! But... oh how hard about the due date coinciding with Thomas's due date.

mecha love the Christmas ideas. I am hoping that the internet will save me this year, and that with a big family, we will do a Kris Kringle-type present giving with the adults which means only one present per person...

blue I am enormously jealous of your organisational skills, no way can I attempt Christmas yet!!

babyh baby A is simply gorgeous. Thank you for sharing him with us.

kleine your day with your friend and godson sounds lovely, but no wonder you are tired out. I find that activities around others, if I spend too long with them, enormously draining, even if I enjoyed myself.

whatever a Christmas christening for baby Holly is so appropriate and perfect. Sure the vicar you want can be persuaded to do it!! And no, you are not a wimp...

elly what a tough appointment. I guess it is some small consolation that the consultant had taken such detailed notes about Nancy.

moomins how are you going?

Talking of christmas, I have been present searching already, but then DH and I bought one of those electric stove fires so we have had to give each other a budget for crimbo. So have been looking at wool to crochet him some gloves and maybe a hat. There are so many bargains during this season its seams silly not to buy something.

Just starting the tww. We shall see.

amy thinking of you, to have this baby share their due date with your Thomas, must be hard but maybe its a sign from him? Has your midwife or consultant talked about induction before that date?

karen take the strong pg symptoms as a good sign, remember one day at a time and if that's hard just an hour.

miasmum I think you will know if its right to pass on Mias clothes to the baby, don't rush into a desicion that you might regret.

wtw I'm sure the same vicar would be pleased to perform H's christening. Have you heard from Knotty?

babyh thank you again for sharing A with us, it is very brave of you.

spilt my lovely, hugs to you, squeeze Freya, and Bobbie is all around you always. She was a precious little treasure.

Waves to everyone, sometimes I think Autumn makes us aware of time moving on, all the leaves changing colour and falling, and the ever approaching family christmas, it can be tough to deal with. Hugs to you all if you are finding it tough at the moment.

Heard something the other day that sums it all up for me, 'you don't forget you just get used to it'. So true. We get used to carry this grief, but we never forget.

Hello everybody! Sorry I've not been around. I haven't caught up with everything, but I wanted to say a big congratulations to Green. Well done you. And Amy and everyone else currently pg. It is petrifying, but you will get through it.

Spilt, so sorry you're going through this with your memories of Freya's birth. You know, you can request a CS if another VB would be too traumatic. I found my CS much easier to recover from than my VB (due to the SPD issues).

Fan, it's lovely to hear you sounding so positive! Glad you're getting some action with the scans etc. Hope the new consultant helps.

Blizy, fingers crossed for MrBlizy's results! Thinking of you.

Angel, so sorry to hear that Ant is being a dick and divorce might be on the cards. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does then it still won't be the hardest thing you've ever dealt with. Hopefully the counselling will help, though.

Wtw, hope little H is doing well!

Blue, not long now!

I think of you all a lot, and I wanted to add my tuppence worth about the bad days still being bad. Yesterday I got a letter about my pension asking me to register to see my statement online. When I did, I was just looking at everything, and one of the things was death benefits - ie, what DH gets if I die. It said something about payments to children under 18, and then it said 'number of children: 2'. That really shook me. I don't know what to do - should I notify them that I don't have 2 living children? I mean, it is highly unlikely that I'll die before Thea would have been 18, so if I don't do anything it probably won't matter. Then there was a miscarriage on bloody Ugly Betty, which I wasn't even watching, it was just on in the background, where they went in for a scan and the baby had no heartbeat. It was the picture of the scan that got me, even though I had lots of good scans with M. Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling M hard and trying not to cry.

M is doing really well, apart from not sleeping for longer than 2.5 hours at a time. She's 6 and a half months now and starting to try to get her knees under her to crawl. She can get her knees or her hands under her, but not both at the same time, so she either has her bum in the air or her head, not both. We've been weaning, as well, which is a bit fraught. I seem to do nothing but wipe food off her, her highchair, her bib, her clothes...Anyway, she's a beautiful happy baby!

Well, bit of a traumatic day here..... Lots of cramping on my left hand side, and obviously much panic. Dp thinks we should go into epu, but to be honest, I've now had this with six pregnancies, and with my two boys and Merryn it was nothing bad, and the other two, well they would have ended anyway. I can't face epu, I really can't. If its going to happen it just will, and having a scan or not wont stop it. Unless its ectopic the most they will say at 5.5 weeks is to come back in another two weeks, and I can't cope with that again. I went out and bought anther two CBD tests, and its gone up to 3+, which has to be a good sign, ( this is how I have known I've MCd before), and the cheapie tests still get darker every day, so I'm not giving up. It just doesnt feel right though.... And I'm usually a good judge of this. Hell.

Anyway, sorry to panic, but I can't tell anyone in RL really, and I needed to tell someone other than DP, who is very matter-of-fact, although he tries to understand!
Sorry not read back, will do later today, in a mad rush, just needed you lot!