Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

green I know you said you're in a rush, so presume you have other things you need to do today - which may well be a good thing - but just wanted to let you know I'll check in from time to time and will be here for hand-holding whenever you need. I'm so sorry about the cramping, but the test IS a good sign, and I am hoping as strongly as I possibly can that everything will be well.
(Only other thing I wanted to say, which I KNOW you know, but anyway... if the pain gets a lot worse, please do consider EPU just in case of an ectopic. I entirely understand that you otherwise don't want to go in, I really do.)
Much love xxx

I am also in a rush, so just quickly wanted to send and support to karen, too, and fan, and everyone else, and will be back later.

mias I have so such a long list of things starting with 'I'm so sorry that..' and 'I can't imagine how hard it is that...' that I would like to say to you. Instead I will just say, I'm so pleased that your parents will be there to support you for Mia's inquest. Is there anything we can do to help, in the run-up, or during the inquest? Other than just being here and listening, I mean? Please, and I really do mean this, let us know if there is. xx

Goodness me this thread is busy at the moment. So sorry so many of us are having a hard time, especially hugs today for spilt - sorry to hear you're feeling so down. But I really don't think you should worry about coming on here and venting - isn't that what we're here for?
mias - you have so much strength. I honestly can't even imagine what you must be going through with so many tough decisions and dates coming up. So glad you have lots of RL support.
green can you maybe see the EPU if the cramping continues? At least they could rule out an ectopic if you're worried?

I'm worrying again. The scan calmed me for about 12 hours! Haven't done anything about telling the new job people about my pregnancy yet as I'm off with DS1 today for a regional festival day when the school is closed. Might deal with it tomorrow. I just worry I'll be jinxing everything, which I know is stupid. For the due date, I already discussed things with my gynae and he said they would only induce me once I got to my due date. They're not very keen on ELCS in Belgium without a medical reason. Although DS1 was an ELCS due to being footling breech, DS2 died in utero, not through birth complications. So, I don't feel any need to request an ELCs really. In any case, my gynae wouldn't do it until 39 weeks so it doesn't seem so important. I would also dearly love more than two children if possible, and another CS would mean any other births would also have to be CS, so I'd rather avoid it if possible.

Green, thinking of you and hoping that the cramping isn't anything bad. At such an early stage it might not be, anyway. Here to virtually hold your hand!

Amy, how far along are you? Maybe you could just put off telling work until later on. I know it's a new job, so perhaps you just need to settle in a bit first. There's no mad rush to tell anyone, is there?

Spilt, is Freya's birth preying on your mind because you are starting to seriously consider baby no 3? I know M is only 6 months old but I can't stop thinking about the next one. I think it's because I want to get all the scary pregnancies over and done with, even though my brain knows that my body needs a longer rest.

Hi ladies
Not caught up yet, just hoping that you'll give me a bit of advice:
We have a work's jolly day tomorrow, but someone from another office has very recently been off work with shingles (earlier this week) - I called my mw, and they have advised me to stay away. Sooo, how do I tell work that I can't go? I have organised most of it, and am quiz master etc - it's hard enough explaining why I'm not drinking!
Didn't want to tell my boss at least until after the scan on Monday, but how can I deal with this without lying too much/telling everyone that I'm pg?

Oh green, I hope everything is ok, what a terrible, scary time for you - am here for handholding, I hope you are ok xxx

Fx for 2ww fan!

Hope your '2ww' is going ok blizy!!

Cyber-hugs to all - sorry not name checked everyone, my brain isn't working properly at moment (I forgot to take my computer with me to work today so have had to come home to work here instead!!!!)

green really thinking hard about you. I hope all is well

elly if I was in your shoes I would fake illness, there are plenty of bugs going around. Then when you do tell people you can explain.

Oh green We're all here with you my friend, and sending all the sticky vibes we can. Tbh pg after loss is a shower of shite but a necessary evil. One day at a time xx

too lovely to hear from you again. Wow trying to crawl already!? What a clever girl, I bet you are loving it.

elly that is a tough one. I would be tying myself in knots too. In the end I told my boss about my pg at about 7 weeks because of sickness, stress, appointments and the need for a risk assessment. I was easier not having a big secret. But I do understand the reluctance to say anything - it feels like a massive vote of confidence that is hard to make. Can you phone up and say you've come down with a stomach bug and can't go?

amy those dates must be very trying. It's hard enough to convince yourself that history will not repeat without the total date symmetry. Maybe try to think of it as a lovely little hello from Thomas to let you know he's looking out for his family. When we bought Freya's cot we started to assemble it and saw the date of manufacture stamped on the base - 9th Oct 2010. Bobbie's birthday. It was such a weird coincidence but makes me happy. I like to think it's her present to her sister.

Thank you all for the birth advice. I have drafted an email to PALS, but holding onto it just now. I think I will send it after Bobbie's birthday. I can't really face dealing with it before then (just incase they actually manage to get back really fast!!)
too no we definitely aren't thinking about ttc atm, so many reasons - neither of us want another baby just yet, not yet had a full night's sleep since F was born, F still cosleeping & feeding, can't face morning sickness just yet, too farking scared of labour and anyhows, I have no periods still due to constant bfing so it's probably impossible anyway! We may well be content to stop at Freya, but I do feel sad that the decision is so largely driven by fear (of pg and birth! Not ready for the head crushing stress of it all!)

blizy good luck with the wait, I hope it goes fast.

angel conversely I hope time is nice and leisurely on your holiday. So sorry for all the relationship stress you are having. I hope this time helps you all to work out what you want. Much love xx

Love to everyone else xx

Hope you are having a better day today spilt? You sound a little better. How very, very special about Freya's cot.

elly another vote here for a stomach bug or heavy cold. As it's a Friday, you can be conveniently better for next week... Then you can 'fess up whenever you are happy to tell (or not, depending on how you think your boss will react).

I am having a good day. Does anyone else get worried when they feel happy?! Knowing that it can only be so long until it all crashes down again? It's just part of this, I suppose; the knowledge that there will always, always be another bad patch - particularly when it is such early days. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, or this evening, come to that. It's so lovely to feel more positive, though. And to look at pictures of my little beauty and feel happy to have had her, honoured to be her mummy.

kleine, yes I totally understand that waiting for the positivity to disappear again, but it's a nice break from all the sadness while it lasts.

Amy, oh that's hard with the dates, I hope you are ok and that your MW and gynae are being supportive and helpful.

Well, I decided to speak to my boss - he's really understanding, I called him to ask if I could meet him at his house after work as I needed to talk to him - he said that he could only think of 2 things that I would need to see him about: either I was pg, or that I was going to resign! He was very pleased & relieved that it was the former rather than the latter!! He is really pleased for us, but understands that it's really scary and that I want to keep it quiet for now. We came up with a plan for tomorrow, and he is going to speak to my other colleague that I was going to pick up in the morning so I don't have to. Feel quite relieved, and pleased that he knows now and will be supportive. He's a really good boss, I'm very lucky.

Hi everyone else xxx

Oh bless you kleine. What sort of a weird screwed up world is it where we are worried about being happy?! I so know what you mean. Enjoy the moment. A very wise person wrote on one of the bereavement threads ages ago:

"A friend said to me its like an abyss, in the early days you are on the edge constantly in danger of falling over, as time goes by the abyss still remains you just move a safer distance from the edge. It will always be there and you always have to be prepared to be blown close again during an unexpected storm. Make the most of the calm days."

x posted with you elly. That is great, what a fab boss

elly Im so glad, that must be a wait off your shoulders. Its so nice to have an understanding boss.

poppet I always feel guilty for feeling happy

too I totally understand wanting to get pregnant again soon, I think I would be the same. Also as its taking so long to get pg again. Though from what my friend has said after falling pg three months after the birth of her dd1, that that is a bit too close and she wished it had been a year age gap.

amy just take it a day at a time, 'today you are pregnant' thats all you can do. Hugs to you it must be so hard. We are here to hold your hand throughout this pg.

spilt thinking of you lots, and your two girls.

green I hope you are ok.

Elly glad your boss was understanding. I was scared of telling mine too but she was lovely. I think it would take someone pretty hard hearted not to be happy for us after what we've all been through

Green here for hand holding. It's early enough to be implantation cramping?? Lots of love, it must be scary xxx

Amy totally understand clash of dates. Mine with Holly were very close to Erin's,we only avoided her birthday because of the elcs. It will be hard but we are here xx

Kleine go with the good days sweetheart - your mind and body need a break from grieving. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're moving on or forgetting her. It's just your bodies way of making sure you have strength for the bad days.

Too and Spilt (((hugs ladies))) Too I understand the need to ttc again I really do. Spilt I also understand being too scared to! Financially we can't for at least 4yrs so will leave that big scary decision to one side for now I'm struggling with the notion that I'm no longer allowed to feel sad/miss Erin because I've got Holly when the reality is amazing as she is she doesn't make up for losing Erin and the grief when it hits is just as strong.

Waves Blizy Fan Mias Angel Blue and everyone else

Holly still a feeding monster - I can't keep up!! Spent a nice hour tidying up the cemetery today I do like being able to 'do' something for her. Had a few tears tonight over a dm article about a little girl dying after the mother contracted parvovirus as thats what they initially thought had happened to Erin until the pm showed the cancerous tumours

Green, hope you're okay. Stick, little one! You two can both do it.

Wtw, you are totally allowed to feel sad and miss Erin! Grr, I hate this idea that the rainbow baby is a replacement and everything is okay now. It isn't. Our babies still aren't here, and nothing can change that. Our rainbow babies are so wonderful but we should have had both them and our angels. The only thing I have to do is not cry in front of Maia - my Gma had a stillborn baby, Simon, who was 2 years younger than Mum, and Mum's first memory is watching her mother cry. I don't want Maia to have sad memories of me, even if she's too little to be forming memories yet.

Spilt, lovely, I hope you can get some help with the birth fear. You need to know that if you choose to stop with Freya, it was your choice and not dictated by fear. Gosh, have you still not got AF back? I haven't either, but M is only 6 months and F is over a year! So yes, it's a moot point here too because I'm presumably not ovulating either. DH is quite keen to have no 3 asap as well. I take your point about sleep, though. M went through a phase of sleeping through the night, but not any more. Oh, and she won't go to sleep for anyone except me. I have to feed her to sleep. We're not co-sleeping because I didn't sleep a wink when I tried it in desperation when she was very little - I lay rigidly on one side until my hip ached, too afraid to move. We're going to try DH soothing her when she wakes up in the evenings from tomorrow.

Fan, I feel guilty thinking about baby no 3 and coming on here and babbling about it when so many of you are still hoping and praying for your first rainbow. I'm sorry if I'm being horribly tactless.

Elly, so pleased your boss came through for you! I told one of my close colleagues at about 7 weeks (I was still signed off at that point - I went back to work 14 weeks after Thea was born, but only lasted a few weeks and then was signed off with stress), and then told my boss and the other managers at 12 weeks. Everyone was very pleased and very nice. People can be very sweet.

Kleine, sweetheart, I'm glad you're feeling happier today. Hang on to those good thoughts too - our angels don't only bring sadness.

Amy, meant to say that my dates wound up very close also - Thea was born on 13 March 2011; Maia on 9 March 2012. The consultant scheduled my CS early to make sure I had had M before Thea's birthday. She said otherwise it would be sod's law that I would go into labour on the 13th.

Amy there's only 1 year 8 days between my girls... Georgie was born on the 10 th Oct , Phebs ( 3 weeks early , due date of 4 th nov ) on 18 oct. seems to quite often be the case ... Xxx
Kleine don t beat yourself up for having a good day... You deserve the good days , the darkness does lift at some point.
Spilt sorry you re having a rough time xxx yes , definatly looking forward to Ibiza is fab having time off work... Hope Freya's ok? Xx
Elly xxx glad u re ok? Xxx
Green fx for you xx
Hi all hope everyone is well? Xxx

Evening everyone.

Just wanted to say thank for all your kind comments about our photo : ) it was so nice to share him with you all without worrying what you would think because he is 'dead' if you know what I mean?

Terrible day here today feel like Im on the edge of that abyss SPLIT was talking about. My SIL came round (Not the one from last week, this is the nice one) and announced she is almost 12 wks preg. After she went I had a meltdown. Believe it or not I am over the moon for her, she has been desperate for a baby and trying for 2 years. She was due to go down the IVF route from October and had a previous mc........the truth is I am feeling miserable and sorry for myself because my beautiful baby is in the cemetery :(

Night all will try to be more positive tomorrow xxxx

Angel our posts crossed. Hope your DP is treating you like you deserve x

Happy Hols fast approaching, Yay : )

Babyh that is so so hard. You poor thing, youre right Adam should be here xxx

too you didn't upset me at all.

My dates are about 2 weeks difference with Sterre's pregnancy. Sterre was due 3rd November, this little one due 18th November. Sterre was born at 20+4 weeks, so it's not so much the case of their birthdays coinciding. It was a very difficult time back in June when I was almost as far along as when we lost her and her anniversary/birthday.

babyh I can understand about your meltdown after your SIL's announcement. I got very upset last autumn when my sister started moaning that she wasn't pregnant yet, they had only been trying for a few months after they got married. When she told me back in November she was pregnant, I was the first to know and although I was very pleased for her, I did have a breakdown after that, as I thought it was very unfair that we had been trying and I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again.

I'm doing fine, just very tired, my body trying to tell me to slow down! :)
and I had enough of the 'oh you look so tiny' comments! Grrr! Yes I am normally a size 10-12, I can eat whatever I like without gaining weight! But I am 7 months pregnant and feel massive and uncomfortable! There!

Blue xxx
babyh we re taking it slowly & yippee to hols... I m all coffiured now !!! Hair newly hilighted , mani & pedi performed... Saw your picture of Adam : lovely photo . So sweet xxxx
Understandable about your mini breakdown... 2 months after we lost Georgie a so called friend of mine asked 2 of my other friends to tell me she was 4-5 months pg as she " didn t want to upset me". What a load of BS nothing could possibly upset me any more than loosing Georgie, she was more upset for herself. I get that , but don t pretend its anything other than that... I talk to her now but we re not friends anything like we used to be...!however, it's no great loss... It's so incredibly hard when everyone else seems to achieve the one thing we want/ deserve so much... Take care chick xxxx this will pass xxxx ( a friend once said that to me & although I didn t believe it at the time I do now) lots of love xxxxc
Hi all: xxxx

Babyh, that's so hard to have to cope with. Adam should be here too. It's funny how you can be genuinely glad for someone else and totally gutted for yourself at the same time, but you can!

Blue, listen to your body and rest! If you can, that is. I bet you look lovely and blooming, no matter how uncomfy you are.

Angel, of the beautifying!