Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

elly and fan I will be thinking of you both tomorrow, at your very different but equally important appointments. Also glad to hear you're feeling positive about the pg elly that's great.
moomins I'm glad you're feeling a little better... and that you have an appt in a week, too. Hope v much that you'll get the extra scan.
spilt I second the suggestion to contact PALS or the midwifery team direct. There will be a Medical Records Dept from which you can get your records (you'd probably have to pay), but if you want to go through them with someone too, definitely worth finding out in advance how best, and quickest, to do so. I'm really sorry to hear you're still struggling with what happened at Freya's birth. xx
green if I was planning to celebrate my next birthday I would ask you to do my party!! I'm so so glad it was an unforgettable day, and also that Merryn was so much a part of it. Sorry to hear you had a scary dream... there's just so much going on, isn't there. When do you plan to call the consultant, or will you just wait until you 'feel' pg?
(I had a dream the other night which was so unsubtly symbolic of my feelings that I had to laugh. I was stuck in a cold, isolated building with my newly-born quadruplets, who didn't have enough to wear, and all needed feeding, but a tiger was trying to break in through the window to eat us all... You don't really need a degree in, well, anything to work out what I'm worrying about, do you?!)

fan about the cord rupturing - I had what is called a velamentous cord, which means that part of it runs through the membranes surrounding the baby, rather than going straight from baby to placenta. The velamentous part of the cord isn't protected by jelly like the rest of the cord, so is fragile. This happens in about 1% of pregnancies and is usually ok. In our case, almost half of the cord was unprotected, and the veins and artery in it broke while I was being induced. This was either because they were so attached to the membranes that they broke with them (assuming the membranes broke, ie that what would otherwise have happened is that my water would have broken), OR because they crossed the cervix and as the cervix began to dilate/membranes broke, they were stretched too far and broke - this would be vasa previa. We won't ever know which one it was. Either way our little girl bled out and was starved of oxygen for far too long, even though she was born only about 13-14 mins after I started bleeding
We remain incredibly grateful, in the circumstances, that we had any time with her at all. But just wish, desperately, that she hadn't had to go through that. Our poor little one.
We are doing ok - the past couple of days have been pretty difficult, but we are ok. (Our friends also had their baby girl, and it is obviously great news that she is fine, really pleased about that, but equally obviously it's pretty tough for us to hear about right now.) We already knew exactly what the consultant would say - in one sense it was good to have everything confirmed. It will ALWAYS be incredibly difficult to know that a simple scan could possibly have seen the problem in advance.

and love to all, sorry about those I've missed! Hope you are having nice days despite the rain. We had a lovely walk under a big umbrella while no one else was around...

Hello everyone.
Thinking of you all with all the different appointments approaching for Elly, Fan and Blizy.

Thinking and praying of all the growing rainbows for Elly, Green, Moomins, blue, Amy and Miasmummy. (Wow theres quite alot lets hope they keep coming).

Split so sorry your fretting over Freya its only natural and your mothers instinct. Hope things get better xxx

WTW: Sorry your missing Erin so much. Big hugs to you x

Green: Glad Jacob had a lovely day and you are making new memories for you and your lovely family. Its so hard when your missing Merryn, but it sounds like you had a lovely day. Try not to overdo things and rest up a bit now x

Elly: So glad your spotting has stopped and you preg symptoms are getting stronger xx

Kliene: Thinking of you after your tough appointment....hope your ok today? Love to you x

Mech: Have you thought the OP has delayed your period? I'm not a doctor of course and so want it to be a BFP for you.

Hope I havent missed anyone. Bit of a tough few days here. We had a funeral on Friday and it was hard to hold it together. It was our friends dad, it was so difficult being at a funeral so soon after Adams. Then just before we went out a letter came about the follow up appointment we had to discuss the 'sad outcome of my pregnancy' on 10/9/12. It was so different to the appointment we had and there were alot of discrepancies which has now sent us into turmoil again.

To put the icing on the cake my MIL and FIL were due to visit this AM. They sent a text saying they were bringing our SIL who has a newborn baby (Few wks before Adam) they didnt say whether she was bringing him and we didnt want to ask.....In the end we confirmed that she was bringing him and I suggested I go out to a friends house which caused a big debate....my DH said it was great that I was protecting myself but who was protecting him? God this is so awful almost like we are being mean towards his SIL and her baby but we just cant face her at the mo. In the end my DH phoned his dad and asked them not to come.....he said it was just to raw for us right now.

I'm now worried that we have hurt her feelings but my DH said they should have asked if it was ok to bring him round in the 1st place. A simple text rather than just being told that they were coming. Personally, I would just have put a brave face on but my DH said we shouldn't have to and that seeing him should be on our terms when we are ready. He also said if the tables had been turned theres no way his dad would have agreed for us to go and visit her with our newborn if she was grieving IYSWIM.

Don't want them to think we resent her baby because we so don't, but find it hard to deal with right now because they are so close in age.

Sorry for moaning x

Kliene: Posts crossed. Totally understand about your friends baby....I think my post above describes how confusing it can be when other babies present themselves into our lives in one way or another. Do you think it would have been easier if they had had a boy? Thinking of you and your beautiful Angel E. This just ISNT how it was meant to turn out was it chick.....even more so when you feel like they could have done something to change things. (the scan)

Big hugs xxxxx

Kliene: sorry if that come out wrong. I meant if there was a potential prevention method IFYSWIM xxx

babyh oooh what a tough couple of days. Sending you lots of love and support. I am glad you didn't have to see the baby if you didn't feel up to it. If you are very worried about having hurt your SIL's feelings, are you close enough to her to be able to text her and explain? Your DH is right - you shouldn't have to put a brave face on if you're not ready to do so.
I do totally understand why you couldn't see her with the baby. We've not spent any time around newborns yet, and have no intention of doing so for quite a while. Four of our good friends now have tiny ones (two boys, two girls - and yes, the boys' births were easier, and it's easier to imagine seeing them too). It's very tough when you have to avoid people, I know, but you and your DH have done the right thing. It may be a little easier when the baby gets a bit older - although, of course, it will always be very, very hard. Wish I could make it better for you... xx

(Nothing wrong with your message by the way! There was a chance that it could have been diagnosed in advance. We just have to learn to live with it - our daughter, sadly, can't.)

poppet thankyou for sharing, your poor little girl. Fi died of acute hypoxia due to a cord accident.

babyh what a hard day for you and your DH. Really yes your inlaws should have asked if it was ok that SIL bring her baby. Try not to dwell on it too much, you can not handle it at the moment, its fine to be selfish you know what you can take and what you can't and I'm sure they won't mind. Don't be pressured into seeing people you don't want to or can't.
And don't apologise for moaning, we have all been there.

Cross post fan - lots of love to you x

Kliene & Fan: Thank you for your kind thoughts. Kliene, I couldnt text her we are not really close. My DH has 2 sisters one of them I am really close to by the way. I think a rift started after we lost our DS. Basically she was very ill after she gave birth a few weeks prior. My FIL phoned up at 5am saying she was very sick and that she had suffered a post partem haemorrage after the birth and had to go into surgery. My DH left at 5am and went straight to the hospital we were both worried sick but I was heavily preg at the time and had to stay home to look after the our kids. My DH practically camped out at the hospital with some other family members and as soon as I could organise childcare, I went as well. In sharp contrast when we lost the baby we didnt even get a phone call......all we were worth was a text that said 'SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS'. My other SIL was going mad about it and said that a text 'just didnt cut it'! and TBH we received more kindness from people we hardly know.

Having said that I would never be unkind towards her in any way, it just feels insensitive for her to want to turn up without asking given the circumstances.

Kliene: About the terrible nightmare you had. I have lots of scarey dreams too....in one I am lost in the woods and cant get out trying to find the baby. My mum said they are known as night terrors and its your brain jumbling this living hell up because its struggling to cope. Hope your ok try not to let it play on your mind.

On the bright side 4 babies!!!!! Your just need to lose the lion and buy a few clothes lol xxxxxxxx

green, Jacobs party sounds amazing - I would have loved it!!!

fan, hope your scan goes well tomorrow - will they talk to you about it straightaway or will you have a follow up appt?

babyh, that sounds like a really tough few days - people can be so insensitive at times, and you shouldn't feel guilty about telling your in-laws not to come, your sil sounds awful. I think it's good that you were strong enough to tell them not to come if you both weren't up to it - it's not easy to say no sometimes so well done (don't mean that to sound patronising).

moomins so glad you are feeling a bit better and that you've got an appt with your consultant next week.

kleine, it's awful to think that the issues with Es cord could have been discovered before - we felt do angry that scans to see her growth later on and check the flow through the cord, coupled with a low dose aspirin daily could have saved Nancy. It's awful to think like that, so we try not to because it won't help bring her back, and it means that they will check loads more this time. I totally understand you keeping it to yourselves - it's hard enough to deal with on your own without having other peoples issues & thoughts & emotions thrown into the mix.

Hugs to all, sorry I've not name checked everyone - am cooking a roast beef dinner at mo, first one in new kitchen, am so looking forward to it!!

hello all. We are staycationing this week, so DH and I can make a sizeable dent in the long list of DIY jobs we have, but have ensured that there is some 'fun stuff' thrown in too, and not too many meals cooked by me either! While he is pretending to complain, I think he is quite enjoying it all - he loves pottering around at home.

kleine so you have some answers, but not enough. And even so, sometimes knowledge isn't power when it can't change anything, can it? Like you, I had several extra scans, and my vasa previa wasn't picked up either...

fan hoping you will be able to have a discussion with the consultant about your scan tomorrow, and that it is a positive one.

babyh your DH definitely did the right thing. You should be able to choose the time to meet this little baby, not have it thrust upon you, but it sounds like people weren't really thinking...

whatever I am so sorry that you are missing your little Erin. But how can you not? Yet your love for Holly is something separate, and I am sure you know that. I expect I will feel the same. After all, Mia is the only pg I know, and everything now is a comparison to that, subconscious or otherwise.

split yes, I also understand you can access your maternity notes. For us, the fee was £50. I didn't get mine, but I photocopied all the important pages, and I also made a special request to the consultant to write a summary note of Mia's delivery, as we thought we might be overseas for a future child.

blizy smiles here too for your DH and the candlelit dinner notion opposite a cup!!

moomins glad an appointment is booked, but hope this week passes easily and gently for you.

angel are you on holiday this week too? If so, hope you are having better weather than us!!

greengoose what a fab birthday, and I bet Jacob loved every second.

elly glad to hear the MW was lovely, it really does make all the difference when you are treated like a person, not some sort of neurotic statistic to be condescended to!!

amy FX for positive outcome for your interview.

mecha any news from you? Cycles can be all over the place, due to a plethora of factors, and you've certainly had your share of stress lately.

Now I have probably missed someone, so I do apologise in advance - but will try to be better. [wink'

elly I am so pleased for you that you have a great MW who actually gets it. And hurrah for all your pg symptoms!

miasmummy enjoy your staycation, that's my kind of thing, I am a right home bird and get a kick out of finishing decorating etc

kleine thank you for explaining about the cord. It's awful isn't it, all these things that beforehand you never even knew could happen. I completely understand keeping the details to yourselves, so much of the emotional reaction is almost impossible to articulate.

greengoose that sounds like an awesome party! And beans on toast is delicious if it comes to that this week. One of my favourites!

moomins glad you are doing better xx

babyh you poor thing, not what you needed with your SIL & baby at all, and how insensitive of your family. In your own time, one day you will be ready to meet him, but don't be pushed until then. Friends of ours have a little boy who had almost the exact same due date as Bobbie. Obv she was born a long way in advance of her EDD but it was just devastating when he was born IYKWIM - I felt so utterly robbed of my own baby that I should have been having then. We only saw them once between Bobbie's birth and when their DS was about 7 months old (when they came to visit Freya as a newborn). The one time we did see them I was 26 weeks with Freya and it was horrendous still. I had a panic attack beforehand and sobbed all the way there and then couldn't look at the baby at all. I heard him cry and it was like a knife through me. Just so hard. But in the last 8 months or so we've all been able to pick up again and it's fine now, truely. They must have been very understanding to just wait so long, I am grateful!! You'll know when you are ready xx

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I might see if PALS can help. Whilst it would in some ways be nice to talk to my community MW, I am conscious that someone impartial might be easier to talk to. My CMW was a bit of a "avoid intervention at all costs" type, and whilst I am a big hippy at heart I think some of the issues for me revolve around why in gods name did they not intervene?? I think what she may see as a "look we just left you a bit longer and huzzah you managed a vaginal birth!" I see as being left very very frightened and in indescribable pain for 6 hours, barely progressing and no one doing anything to help. I was 8cm dilated 6 hours before F was born, it took so bloody long from therein. My friend who is a MW was horrified and said it was disgusting that I'd had an active labour of 21hrs, and most especially that I was basically stuck in transition for 4.5 hours with no suggestion of help.
At the time the MWs kept saying how well I was coping but I really really wasn't. I was just so utterly shocked by the pain I was in and sort of froze and they thought it was uber calm birthing... No actually, I was completely traumatised!
The hard thing is feeling like such a fraud saying I struggle with what happened - on paper it sounds great - spontaneous labour, MLU, gas & air and pool, vb, no stitches. And up until the last 6 hours it was fine, if slow going and hard work. From then on it was pure hell and I know I can't do that again, and we are now talking about having no more children as a result

I'm sorry this isn't really the place for this. I appreciate the listening ears but will stop the monologue. I'm very conscious that I am complaining about the experience of birth and I'm sure some of you are throwing things at the screeen saying "stop whining FGS your baby was ok!" I am so grateful that she was, and know only too well that that is the most important bit.

Who else was having roast beef today? Did it turn out well? We did one too, nervously, as we have a track record of serving it either actually raw or well done (the horror of well done when you have spent a fortune on the joint and wanted RARE!) and it was a SUCCESS!! Chuffed and stuffed.

It was me spilt - first one in new kitchen & it was perfect!! More well cooked than we would normally have it because of our little Ricicle but it was so tasty!! We bought a meat thermometer & have had perfect roasts since! Glad yours was lovely too, and don't apologise - you need to talk about the birth, it does sound awfully traumatic and I do think it's a good idea to talk it through with someone impartial, particularly if it is having such an effect that you are talking about no more children as a result.

That's great elly, we did ribeye too, yum . My forte is pork shoulder though, long and slow. That's the sort of joint where if you cook it accidentally for 2 hours too long it is fine and infact, better, but with beef, 20 mins too long and it is a totally different roast.

Quick post;
Good luck Fan & Elly today xxxx
Miasmum no, we re here this week off to Ibiza on Saturday... Weekend busy working mon, tues & we'd... Then hilights re-done on thurs ; that's a full day as ny hairdresser is my friend so we have lunch , make a day of it & she loves coming to see Phebs too. Then a mani/ pedi early Fri ,in to town then fly 05:45 sat am.... Yippee...
Love to all Phebs fine but lots of crap with Ant thinking it might be heading to divorce but hey ho we ll see .... Xxxx

Oh meant to say Miasmum enjoy your stay cation...xxx I can t wait to feel the sun on me

spilt no one is going to be telling you to shut about Freya's labour. It has had an effect on you that you can't get past, do you think your labour with Bobbie has anything to do with the way you feel?

angel I'm sorry to hear that, but hope that your holiday will either help you reconnect or to make the desision to divorce, it can not be easy.

Waves to everyone else,

Morning everyone, falling behind again! Busy thread atm!

Period-Gate has resolved itself with another BFN yesterday morning and AF in the afternoon! Clearly the op and the stress just pushed everything back a bit and it did not deserve the hysterics I was having! Looking at dates and things, the chance I was pregnant were so so slim. My main worry was that my periods had stopped again and I would be completely out of the game for another two years. I still had my "can't get pregnant, they'll make you keep your gallbladder" head on too, so it has been a very very odd and stressful week in my head. Fan said it best, obviously I would rather be pregnant, but if I am not, bring on the AF and start next month! This is our first week with temp charting and a CBFM so fingers crossed!

Angel enjoy your holiday in the sun! And all the pampering too I am so sorry you are still going through things with A. I hope things work out however you want them to.

All these Sunday Roasts and weekend curries sound brilliant. I made a Ragu yesterday, it's brilliant and so easy. Chop up beef and vegetables and cook in wine for two hours until everything falls apart. I also had a bash at making a cake but it went a little bit wrong.

Oh Klein Poor you. And your poor little girl. SO many what if's? for all of us, it is just not fair.

Green your party sounds wonderful! Just further cementing you in my mind as exceptionally cool What a horrible dream though, I hope you are alright?

WTW and SPILT thinking about you both. Of course you are not fine and better now, I get so cross people think this way. If you lost your DH people wouldn't be saying "It's fine, he has a brother" would they? It's nonsense. If we are lucky enough to have another baby they will be Dexter's sibling, not a replacement. WTW glad to hear how Miss H is coming on in leaps and bounds. Hope you are getting some sleep though! SPILT I'm sorry F's birth is still going around in your head. It really does sound traumatic. People have already made such good suggestions, I hope there is something you can do or someone you can talk to that helps.

Elly so glad you have an understanding MW. It makes such a difference. Good luck with your appointment!

Fan thinking about you today, hope the scan goes well.

Moomins glad you are feeling better. I can understand not wanting to see the consultant again! Such mixed feelings. Hope you have lots of boring and uneventful weeks ahead x

BabyH that sounds so stressful. You would have thought that SIL would have had more empathy and maybe understood that you didn't need to see a newborn right now, and in your own house as well! You do need to be a bit selfish for a while, and protect you and DH's feeling for a while.

Mias Your staycation sounds brilliant.

Blizy hope all is well!

I am knuckling down for Christmas planning and shopping today. We are slightly skint this year so doing a mainly home made one. Jams, Biscotti, flavoured oils, chocolates and possibly hand cream/ lip balm if I can figure out

Love to all, have really really tried not to miss anyone! But I am thinking of us all xx

Oh angel- I hope you are ok.

Spilt- please don't feel like you can't talk here about your birth with Freya, we can try to help you.

Mecha- booo to AF, how are you feeling?

Fan- good luck today.

Thinking of you all x

The scan was ok, they found three fibroids ranging from 4cm to 2cm. They are sitting on my bladder, which explains why I need the loo all the time.
When I got home there was a letter from a consultant at the hopsital, an appointment has been made for me. So I have a large questionaire to fill out to give to the gynae consultant. So I'm pretty happy with the outcome here, hopefully seeing the consultant will help with getting pg.

Fan really glad to hear the appointment went well. Sounds like they are taking you seriously and looking after you well!

Big hugs for all those struggling with all the different things! xxx

I've done all the Christmas shopping for the children in the family already :) Just need to buy wrapping paper to wrap them all and I can put those aside not to worry about them!
We went to the Wacky Warehouse to book E's birthday party today, going to be on Sunday 28th October at 5.30pm, it was the last one that could be booked that day. First I was a bit worried it would be too late for 3-4 year olds, but then it's half term the week after so they don't have to get up early. And it means it will be quite quiet which will be nice! :)

MIL has invited us to go over to hers during half term week, which is my last week of work, but I can write down going to her as retreat and research, so that will be lovely! And means she will be cooking on E's birthday.
We never managed to celebrate E's birthday with them before, as on her first birthday we were still living in Belgium and second birthday we had just moved over here and my family was visiting. And last year my Sis and BIL were over. So it will be nice for them to be able to celebrate her birthday with her :)

I'm getting very tired and thinking of all the things we need to get done still before little one arrives... Wednesday we're having an IKEA trip planned! :)
DH needs to get the boxes with clothes out of the attic so I can start washing them.

I hope the break helps you and A to work things out one way or another angel, but I'm sorry things are still so tough between you.

fan - glad your appt went ok and that you've got your follow up gynae appt through too, I'm so pleased you are feeling positive, you are an amazing & strong woman.

Our appt was pretty much what we expected I guess - they tried everything that they could even though the level of damage to Nancy's heart, brain & liver was already too much for her to survive - that did mean at least that I was able to meet her before she died, and that we had that little bit of time with her before she died in our arms. He said that the damage had been caused over a longish period of time, as we had thought, although impossible to know how long, or if it would have shown up in tests beforehand. He is sending me a letter with all his notes in - he made really detailed notes at the time so he's sending a copy over to me.

It feels weird to say this mecha but in pleased that Af has arrived, to set your mind at rest & hopefully you'll be able to get into plenty of SWI & ttc now, and hopefully it won't take too long.

It's just taken us ages to get home because of floods due to all this horrid rain, so hot choc & feet up now - bubble & squeak + left over beef for dinner so nothing to prep, yay!!

to everyone else x

Oh and at everyone who is totally organised for Christmas already!!

Oh fan glad you are finally getting some information and help from the hospital xx

Green Jacobs party sounds just perfect, definitely one he will always remember. When he gets much older and realises how close to losing Merryn his amazing 10th birthday party was he will fully appreciate what an incredible mother you are. How are you feeling? Any MS?

Blue single figures count down Glad you got E's party sorted. Trip to PIL's sounds a good idea.

Hugs angel hope the holiday helps one way or another. It's so hard when you've been through so much together but like you say you've survived much much worse xx

Elly sounds like a hard appointment. So much going on for you at the moment xxx

Babyh grrr to your IL's being so insensitive. Honestly is it such a huge leap to realise newborns will be difficult for you at the moment

Mias your stay-cation sounds just fabulous Make sure you fit in some nice treats in amongst the DIY. How are you feeling pregnancy wise at the moment

Mecha glad period gate resolved itself relatively quickly. Bring on the next cycle! I saw your cake on Fb

Spilt I think getting your birth notes would be a good idea - you can also request an appt with a senior midwife to talk them through. It sounds really traumatic, you must have been so scared

Not much to report here - everything ticking along. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It's funny how even 13 months on I can have days where I feel as bad as I did in the early days. Just booked a long weekend at Center Parcs in mid December - they'll have the whole park decorated for Winter Wonderland. I cannot wait! H will be 4 months old then - her first mini break away K wants me to do a countdown chart already!! Would still love to do Lapland though.