Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Yay for Holly's weight gain wtw!!

Well have had a lie down, now time for cinema - really just want to light a fire & snuggle up but will enjoy it when I'm out.

Green- amazing news, do happy for you!

Mecha- I'm sorry you didn't get conclusive answers. I am glad they have a good care plan for next time though. I hope you are doing ok? X

Karen- I don't believe we have met, congratulations with your pregnancy, i hope you have a boring and healthy 8 months.

Thanks for all of your support, it really does mean do much to me. My GP is actually very good, hence why her appointments are are so hard to get, also she only works 3 days per week and I am limited as to what days I can go because of the mindees. I will get there though, one step at a time.

Thanks FAN and WTW. I really wasn't expecting it this month even slightly, not sure why, but I wasn't really sure it would ever happen again for us. I'll just have to let the time pass I guess, and try not to think too much! I treated myself to a new crochet book today, with some little blanket patterns in it. That's as close as I'll probably get to planning for an actual baby! Dp is of course sure we 'made' the baby in Italy! Not a great grasp of biology!

Sorry BLIZY, cross posted. I'm glad you have a good GP. They are quite hard to come by I think. There is only one in my surgery who's worth seeing, and she's always booked too! You will get there, and are getting there.... X

mecha so sorry you didnt get proper answers I hope you do soon.

blizy I hope you get that appointment soon, I have my fx for the sperm analyis.

Dh and I have had the talk and well he has agreed to cut out the alcohol only having a single pint at the pub if he goes. So Im happy about that, he also apologised again for not taking it seriously the past couple of months, he said the whole ttc has got to him a bit and it has ruined the mood. It made me a bit upset to be honest, weve been trying to hard, so we are going to try and be more together in this and be more romantic and equal. Not leave the ttc to just one. Hes already been asking me when Im going to ovulate which fx will be sometime this weekend or early next week.
He has also taken the monday off to come to the hospital with me, I told him that I was a bit scared that they were going to tell me I cant hold a baby, he said dont worry we will do IVF! Had to explain to him if I cant carry a baby it means IVF is useless to us and we would have to think about adoption. But anyway we decided that we were thinking of unknowns and its best to go with what we know at the moment and not try and second guess what the future holds.

elly enjoy your bed, its the best place for you. How has it been today?

God this thread is busy, it's taken me ages to just read today's posts!

Thank you to fan, angel, Kleine and wtw for your lovely words. I am so glad to have this place and know you lots understand, it really does help.
How's things angel? I know our girls' birthdays are only one day apart so it's soon for both of us xxx Hope your holiday is fab!

GREEN!! Congratulations! What lovely news I remember that dazed disbelief and repetitive POAS. I still have a little envelope with all my sticks in from Freya, nicely lined up getting darker.... there's about 15 tests in there

Karen I think I remember your threads about your DS when you were pg and found out he was so poorly. Were you on MN then or have I muddled you up with someone? Please do tell us his story and name if you feel able. We're so sorry you find yourself in this shitty club, but also a big congratulations on your BFP xx

wtw well done Holly! Freya's only just getting to 20lb now and she's 13 months

fan so glad you and DH have had a good chat and reached some understanding. It's too hard to feel like you're carrying the can alone, you need him on board properly. I think it is completely reasonable to put him on an alcohol ban until you get a bfp, you will have to be on one for ages!

elly what are you seeing at the cinema?

Is anyone else enjoying Downton?? I was so very very happy to hear the title music again Big sigh of relax and get lost in it again. Though Matthew is being irritatingly obsessively principled about Lavvy's dads money.

Things are good thanks Spilt xxxx Phebs totally adorable & gorgeous . She's now 22 lbs at 11 months!!! Work v busy but life good . Really looking foreward to our hols next week... Indeed there's only 1 day between Bobbie & Georgi's birthdays... Then 8 days after is Phebs... Xxx
Elly really looking foreward to Ibiza ... So can t wait xxx
Huge congrats green excellant news xxxx
Love to all ; off to bed ; knackered xxxx

Morning ladies.

Quick post before the school run.....and counselling.

Green: Your post brought happy tears to my eyes so pleased for you : )

Elly: Talking of future rainbows how are you? Hope the spotting has subsided x

Fan: Don't give up you could still carry a baby even if you do get bad news. A friend of mines wife lost 7 babies to early mcs including one lot of twins . They had IVF because the consultant wanted to try and pin point the problem so they want to watch the pregnancy from start to finish. Sadly the IVF failed but they did conceive and carry a baby naturally in the end. Sorry for rambling what Im trying to say is try not to worry about the unknowns for now, I know its hard we imagine all kinds don't we......just a couple of wks ago I had no AF and convinced myself I was going through the change xxxx

Kliene and Blizy : Hello lovely ladies hope your ok xxxx

Split: This thread is incredibly busy....I can't keep up either ha ha Dont think we've met properly I'm fairly new to the thread. Waves : )......so sorry you lost bobbie x

Karen: Dont think we've met congrats to you too xxx

Angel: It is really hard juggling work and everything isnt it...I don't know how I'm gonna cope when I have to go back. So glad I'm on mat leave....not long till your happy hols xxxxxx

Amy: Try not to stress about work chick....not easy I know. At the end of the day its a means to an end. They would have to be really lousy to punish you for being pregnant xx

Hope everyone has a nice day today.

Back later x

PS So sorry if I missed anyone. Cant keep up at the mo!

Mech. So sorry I nearly forgot you. Sorry you didnt get any answers. You and your lovely boy are in my thoughts xxxxx

mecha I am so sorry that you were given no conclusive answers (even though you hadn't expected any) and that you have felt so awful after the appointment. It really does sound like it was such a difficult conversation with the consultant. Please know, all over again, that you did NOTHING wrong. You would have gone to the moon and back to save your gorgeous boy. There is lots of love coming your way from me xxx

green !!! Congratulations lovely lady! I'm quite sure that Merryn would have been delighted to have a little brother or sister - I will be hoping and praying that all goes incredibly well with this pg. Keep up the good crocheting work... sounds like a stress-reliever as well.

karen likewise congratulations to you, and sympathies with the incredible amount of stress you're under. I am so sorry that the hospital haven't been more helpful. I hope you find suitable howling opportunities when your DD is elsewhere - let it all out... - or come on here and rant away at us xxx

fan I'm glad your DH is going with you on Monday. It's hard not to imagine the worst case scenarios, isn't it? Never forget that you DID carry a baby successfully - if it hadn't been for the terrible accident with the cord knotting, your beautiful little Fi would be here - you WERE able to carry her and look after her perfectly.

elly how are you today?

wtw just wondering if you have had your biopsy results yet?

Love to everyone else. Sunny day here. I am thinking of braving the shopping mall this afternoon (I don't do too well around crowds at the moment...). But I need some trousers - I may have lost the pg weight but I am definitely a different shape at the moment, and none of my trousers do up.
We have our consultant appt on Friday - the one with the obstetrician who wrote up a report for us on what may or may not have happened just before E's birth. We're hoping to get a further opinion (ie more than she was prepared to put down in black and white), although like mecha we both understand we are unlikely to get one.
We were back at the hospital yesterday, too, for another psychologist appt, and saw a frankly unlikely number of just-going-home newborns - almost as if, as a group, they had decided to attack us - find it really, really tough to be around tiny babies, even if it's just passing them in a corridor. Find myself wanting to tell the parents 'we have a baby too'...

green congratulations lovely lady! now take it easy! and I hope the next however many weeks will go by very quickly! x

welcome karen and congratulations!

I couldn't do up the zip of my favourite pregnancy trousers this morning :( think my hips have widened.

Congratulations green. Definitely here for some hand holding over the next few weeks.
Great news on H's weight gain wtw. Sounds like you're both doing really well.
So sorry you didn't get any answers mecha. We didn't get any explanation for Thomas' death either. I guess I was kind of expecting it, but I still found it hard to handle. I hope you're not too upset today.
fan - I'll be thinking of you for your appointment on Monday. You've already carried one baby, so I'm sure that's not going to be the explanation you get. I hope they can give you some answers though about future pregnancy.
karen Glad to hear your positive news, although so sorry to find yet another person on this thread. I still find myself shocked at how many people have to go through the trauma of losing a child. I'm (hopefully) also around 9 weeks pregnant. Trying not to stress, but failing :-(

Job interview went well this morning. Should find out before the end of the week if I've got it or not. DH dropped DS1 at school for the first time this morning and it worked well, so that's stopped me stressing so much about having to work full time. Workmen at home should be finished tomorrow, so hopefully then we can have a bit of quiet time as a family. DH and I realised yesterday that we're both avoiding talking about the pregnancy, and avoiding sex (which is not like us) as we're really both so terrified of losing another pregnancy so soon after Thomas. Have another scan in a week, so DH is going to come along and hold my hand.

thanks mecha and amy they do creep up on you, I know I shouldnt think about the what if's but sometimes you cant help it. Everything else has gone so wrong that sometimes its hard to see the light and think that something good might happen. I was told that my fibroids had nothing to do with Ophelia dying, but I cant help think that they contributed to it. They must have made it tight in there. I know its going to take longer for me to get pg because of them but Ive been pg twice since and they didnt stick, but they may have changed which now might make it impossible for me to have a baby. God I wish my scan was tomorrow.
Ok this is the last time I will mention it all untill I come back on monday. Ive got to get out of this ditch! Ive got to buck up and get on with stuff, Im fed up with me whining. Im going to get on the wiifit tonight when I get in and work off this mood with some boxing.

elly how are you today?

poppet how did the mall visit go?

blue it must feel pretty good though to know that you have burst out a little bit? I lived in leggings and tracksuit trousers when pg elastic is your friend! Indulge in a new pair you deserve it.

miasmum how are you my lovely? Hows that bump?

miasmum and blue how are the name lists going?

angel I really hope you enjoy your holiday and that you and Ant can reconnect more. Phebs is such a well travelled baby!

green how is it sinking in?

spilt Downton would usually be my thing, but I never got round to watching it. My brother in Aus loves it and when he comes over here in Feb hes going to take a trip to Highclere where it is filmed. I would love to watch it, hoping it will be repeated again, as Ive missed the last repeats that are still going on on ITV2.

amy good luck with the scan, glad the job interview went well.

Am now the proud owner of two pairs of trousers that fit! Sounds like you might need a shopping trip too, blue...
amy glad interview went well, and that DS was ok with your DH dropping him off today. Also that DH will go with you to the scan. Anything that relieves stress even a little bit is good, isn't it.
fan wiifit boxing sounds fun. Who do you imagine you're hitting?!

poppet my boses head !

Hello everyone

Kliene: Well done you for losing your pregnancy weight.....mines a little slower coming off need to get on the wii like fan ha ha My DH loves to cycle and has just bought me a cycle helmet so we can cycle together the 9 mile trip to the cemetery.......I will be like a skeleton by Christmas if he gets me doing that 3 times a week!!

Sorry you seen so many babies at you appointment.....you do have a baby Kliene....your beautiful E is with you in your heart and soul....sending you a massive hug your so brave xxxxxxxx

Fan: Your anything but a whiner chick.....we all feel for you. Hows your bosses head?

Blue: I remember I felt so ashamed when I grew out of my maternity trousers so your not alone lol so glad your bump is growing well : )

AMY: Glad the interview went well. Did you decide to tell them about the baby? Either way at least its out the way....Im hopeless at interviews and turn into a nervous wreck!!

Busy day in our house today still decorating to try and keep busy. Our Counselling is in a childrens hospital and the books of remembrance our so sad. I cried when I saw some of their photos.....I said to the counseller it must be so hard for the families of the older children because they got to know them more than we did. He said they always feel more sorry for us because we wern't lucky enough to get to know our beautiful babies and see them grow. I'd never thought of it that way he said they are grateful for all the wonderful memories.

I came away thinking about the support thats out there. I know its not everywhere across the country so a bit of a postcode thing. Just hope all you lovely mums are getting the support you deserve.

Love to all xxxx

Such a busy thread at the moment!! Not sure I will be able to address everyone, but please know that I am following all the life updates...

babyh not sure I could read a remembrance book. Too much pain. But it is lovely to think of other parents who are still able to empathise with the loss and pain of others. People can just be amazing sometimes.

kleine a big congratulations to you, and I am holding your hand. It is an incredibly conflicting time.

elly hand holding for you too while you wait out these next couple of weeks, and hoping you are somehow able to do the impossible by not stressing yourself out in the meantime. How can we help? Lots of silly jokes perhaps??

mecha ah, the old 'no definitive answers' routine. I am so sorry. I do really wonder how many mothers are given this line. You'd think there would be far better knowledge, given that pregnancy is very normal occurrence, and that the level of interest would be high enough to give us better answers when things don't work out.

fan definitely agree that you are no whiner!! Venting here with friends is completely permitted.

amy intrigued as to whether you mentioned your pregnancy or not today. I wouldn't have, but that's because I have always worked in a male-dominated, luddite-thinking industry... very impressed that everyone else here would be comfortable enough with their companies to do so.

Like you blue I have given in to the belly growth - but a new haircuit, a comfy pair of maternity jeans and some new stretchy tops have made me feel less frumpy - and bump is definitely out and proud. Starting to get lower back ache and in my bum(!), but think it's because my body is reacting to the weight gain and I need to strengthen my muscles, so trying to walk / pilates / yoga most days to alleviate the pain. DH has realised that there is only 11 weeks to go... we might try and buy some things together next week. Name lists have been started, but nothing definitive, although we are much closer to agreeing boy names than girls!

I lost it a little bit this morning... I had a (very kind) email from a friend who is currently eleven days overdue with a little girl and probably being induced at the weekend... it was during my induction that I started haemorrhaging and E was deprived of oxygen Brings back so many memories, heartbreaking ones of the happy days before then, and of course of those terrible moments... Ugh. All a bit close to the bone. Am worried for her, and also I'm just finding the arrival of friends' little girls very hard. I miss my daughter so totally, so utterly.
Plus, yesterday when I went shopping, I didn't just buy trousers - I also went into Next, and checked to see if they still had the babygro in which we buried E - they did, and I bought it, in the newborn size that she wore. Upsetting, yes, but it was a good thing: I felt like I was buying a piece of E, somehow. And they won't always stock it, so if I wanted to buy it, it had to be now, and I'm glad it was still there. But oh, the contrast - there was I, buying a copy of E's burial outfit; there is my friend and her DH and their DCs, happily waiting for the new baby to arrive...
It makes you very selfish sometimes, I think, losing a child. I find it impossible to be happy for them at the moment, with a new little one about to arrive. But for myself and DH - well, that's all I want - another baby. Fortunately most of our friends know how hard it was for us to conceive, so we've not been bombarded with too much 'advice' to try again, and we've not told a single soul in RL that we're trying, or at least will be once my cycle returns.
Sorry for me-me-me post. Hopefully this will help to get it out of my system and I will have a reasonable day. Love to all x

Oh Kleine ((hugs)) I remember so clearly being where you are now. Other people's happy baby news in sharp contrast to your sadness. Missing and warning your baby so so much (though that never ever goes the yearning does become easier to live with). We also bought another set of the clothes Erin was buried in - they were from the mothercare tiny baby range as she was only 5lbs. I look at them in her memory box and can almost imagine her in them. I saw another baby in sainsburys wearing the exact same outfit about a month after Erin died - I had to abandon my shopping and go and howl in the car. It does all get better with time I promise my friend. Go easy on yourself xx

Fan you are most definitely NOT a whiner!! Hope the wii boxing helped vent some frustration

Yay for expanding bumps Mias and Blue I sort of miss having a bump!! Already feeling like I would hate never to be pregnant again.....

Mias do you have any photos of Mias wood? Would love to see it.

How are you doing Elly? xx

How are you feeling now Mech? xx

Any morning sickness yet Green?

Well I took Holly to work yesterday and broached the subject of compressing my full time hours in to 4 days when I go back - my boss wasn't averse to the idea on a trial basis but I have to request via HR. They may not approve it as I have a portfolio of clients and they may say it's not good enough that they can't contact their business manager one day a week. Can't see any other objection than that though as I will keep a full time target so it'll be up to me to make it work in 4 days. We'll see! I also told her I wasn't coming back in January as I'd originally said - I just can't leave Holly so soon - Ive already been in tears over it. So I think we can stretch out our saving til March. Trouble is im our main wage earner and every month I'm off we need 2k+ to top my smp up to my usual salary. Ah well will keep doing the lottery in the meantime!!!

Love to all xxx

Sorry you're having a difficul morning kleine. It is very hard watching friends going through pregnancy when you've lost a little one. I can't imagine how much harder it must be when you took time to conceive in the first place. I have a few friends at the moment going through first or second pregnancies and they all seem to be having boys, which is making things quite hard. The worst thing is that they don't want to really talk to me either about their pregnancies or about Thomas. I can understand why - they don't want to acknowledge that stillbirth is even a possibility for them. But, it's hard for me. Thankfully I have a friend in RL who lost her first child, and she's a great support.

I hope buying the babygro has bought you a bit of comfort and that you don't find the situation with your friend too hard. I think you're being very strong even managing to talk to her about it. Not sure I could do that right now.

I didn't mention the pregnancy in my job interview yesterday. If they offer me the job I intend to tell them before I sign. It's for the EU institutions, so I know they won't not hire me over it. It just might not be the best footing for starting a new career. But, I'm hoping if I tell them the background, they might understand (or at least have a bit of sympathy).

kleine a HUGE apology from about my last post, especially in light of your tough day. Xx

Kleine- I am sorry you are not having a good day. In our group of friends we were pretty much all PG at the same time (7 of us) there 8 weeks between each of the babies. It is very hard when we all get together as they all bring their babies along. Some of them are now pg with their second.
We also bought a duplicate of Z's cremation outfit, it is a little pink Babygro with "mummy and daddy love me" written in it.it was from next too.

Wtw- I'm glad H is gaining weight! Also fingers crossed for your 4 days.

Oops got to go baby mindee is awake.

Hi all

So sorry you are finding it so hard kleine - it is really hard. We buried Nancy in a Gruffalo vest which my Mum had bought for her, we read the Gruffalo to her when she was in SCBU, and every time I see anything gruffalo related now it always makes me think of her and reading to her. It's so hard seeing other friends pg too - I still find that hard too, although I do make an effort to keep in touch with my mum friends from ante-natal classes, it's very hard though.

fan, you are so not a whiner - hope the wii boxing helped though!! Am thinking of you so much - I hope that your scan on Monday helps.

We went to see Ted at the cinema - it was nice to have a 'date night' with DH - so often we are just veg-ing at home or with other people, so it was nice to just spend some time together.

Still spotting, but trying not to think too much about it & wanting the scan to come around really quickly - we are seeing the paediatric consultant who looked after Nancy on Monday, then the scan is the following Monday.

wtw, don't blame you for taking longer for mat leave - it is hard enough going back anyway, but after E and then all the stress throughout your pg with Holly, it's only natural that you want more time with her now. I hope that you manage to work your 4 days condensed - that was my intention too! No point in just going down to 4 days because you'd end up doing the same amount of work for less money! I told DH before we got pg that I would want to take longer off for mat leave if we have another baby so we have started saving up (I'm also the main wage earner).

Sorry for the long post!! I have got booking in appointment with midwife now - was tempted to cancel it until after the scan, but I have decided to go with the 'today I am pregnant' mantra and trying to think positive.

to everyone else!!

baby glad the counselling went ok.

blizy, hope you're ok.

amy and green - am thinking of you both as little beans develop xx And congrats on the job Amy!!