TTC 10 plus months, Part 7

[lisacn]

A friendly, supportive thread for those of us who are taking a bloody long little longer time than average to conceive.

Hi Ladies

Thank you so much for the kind words - it really really helps because only you lot truely know how it feels.

I think the rational side of me can just about see that this was the first try but it didn't work out. But my Dr just has this habit of spurting the scariest stuff and doesn't seem to want to be rational - memories of being told I had ovarian deline 3 weeks a go.

At the end of my appointment this morning and before the blood tests had been processed, he said if this doesn't work we will look at removing those hydrosalpinges. I said, what not even try a frozen embyo transfer first? His answer NO!

On the phone this afternoon with the bad news results he was sympathtic but says I will need to see the consultant and can not proceed to FET. There is a 12 week waiting list to see the consultant. I asked was it definatly the hydrosalpinx that caused the failed pregnancy. He said it is one of the contributory factors but it also could have been a problem within the embryo which wasn't evident at the point of transfer. He keeps changing his mind about stuff.

He seems very quick to judge this failed cycle due to the hydrosaplinges - and I have to accept it could be. But he always launches at me with these horrific scenarios.

I feel really luck to have 5 frosties and I know most people would kill for that as they appear to be good quality. But it feels like I can't get to them due to all the waiting lists and beurocracy (sp?). But then again, my stupid body would probably poisen them.

Dave -thanks for the offer - may just do that.

Thankfully I have all of next week off work too thanks to the generous GP sick note. I am going to need this time.

I am sick of getting bad news. I am sick of being scared shitless by Dr's. I am sick of being the odd one out amongst freinds and family. I am sick of being scared of never having a baby.

Sorry for the self indulgent post. I am so glad I joined this forum for all the support and sorry for not responding to everybodyelse's updates properly today.

I am now drinking a large

Oh sarlat love, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Sit and have a ruddy big cry with the hubby and drink lots of wine. I don't think your dr is helping you much in this at all, in terms of presenting worst case scenario. Is there another consultant you can see for a second opinion? Especially if they are considering removal of the hydrosalpinges and not trying an FET. Do they offer you counselling as well as that may well be worth a go? Lots of love and hugs.

It's been a very melancholy mood on here today (sorry if I started it with saying about my social anxieties). This 'journey' (hate that word, sound like an X-Factor contestant) is horrendous for all of us, with massive lows and very few highs. Even in the space of a day... at lunch I was laughing into my nettle tea at pout's name change (I love you for that Dave!)... but then at dinner felt so sad at reading everyone's stories and at Sarlat's sadness. But from knowing each other we can see that our worries, tears, anxieties, heartache etc are absolutely normal. Thank goodness we have this thread to share it all. We are such a resilient bunch of ladies, even if we sometimes feel like a crumbling mess! I have utmost respect for all of you!

Let's hope the start of June brings us lots of happy news xx

Oo frannie you've made me feel all emotional (not in a bad way). I reckon I'd better get making us some Tabards of Spectacular Beauty and Upliftingness. Sarlet it's hard not knowing if you trust your doctor, I'm all familiar with that. Have you got a decent gp you could thrash it out with?

Just popping in quickly on way back from an evening working, to say I'm so so sorry sarlet. It is utterly shite and be prepared for shiteness when af arrives, but you will get through it. Waiting 12 weeks isn't actually a bad thing, as you will need a couple of months for your cycle to get back to normal, so it's ready for FET. You also need to allow time to grieve for this cycle. I think the drs generally don't know why it doesn't work port transfer. We were told good embryos have a 40% chance of sticking, so you may well just be unlucky. Look after yourself and DH and do give yourselves some time. And if your clinic offers a counselling service, I would totally recommend it. I think ivf counselling is a bit different to normal in that it focuses on your options. Big hugs and if I can help in any way, let me know.

Awwww frannie your post is totally lovely. What a great bunch of ladies :)

My period has started, wohoo!

Waves and happy almost jubille weekend to everyone else.

Ps Sorry for the k-middy mentalling. I just get so obsessed when I suspect someone is preggers. Am sure she's not

Morning all, Sorry I've missed LOADS.

First and foremost: so, so sorry sarlat about your news, about your rubbish doctor (at least in the communication part) and about your miserable DH. It is not what we were hoping for you. And do take the wise advice of ladies who've been there, grieve the cycle and take time.

On the other side of the coin, strange to see them together, massive congrats to becks. What a wonderful holiday present.

And then onto the meh-ness and the support. Sorry everyone has been feeling low again, and I reckon the not trying does cause a bit of numbness wine and barry, I would enjoy it as much as possible. I am very meh to read so many of you have been affected in self-confidence in and outside the bedroom. That is so sad. I want to hug you all.

I am also at the careless, I didn't think you wanted children reactions. Sadly or luckily, the whole world knew and knows I desparately want children, so we've employed the fairly open approach, although at treatment times I've hated the feeling that other people are watching me with bated breath and checking my alcoholic intake. Looking forward to the month off in that respect.

Frannie we have gotten to the this-won't-work for us stage too. Iui cycle 3 failed this morning (about 20 minutes before my allocated blood test time, and I am just massively peeved that I did not make it that little bit further...) And it does not feel like iui is what is needed. So we're trying to see someone to discuss options before opting for more cycles.

And the humour of this thread has made life a lot better here too. I love you dave and I am quite sad you don't seem to notice how funny and caring and hilarious you are. ON the topic of hilarious princessB you are a gem.

Lovely other ladies, I am not name checking everyone, but I echo what frannie said about this thread. Laughter, tears, rejoicing and support all in a day. It is definitely one of the good things that has come out of it all.

Ok, ok, I'm very excited to see a this morning. Today Princess Barry wears a crown. I'm soo going to change my username! I have been held up by a rather itchy client this morning and all I've wanted to do is tell you lot about seeing the Brown Goddess yesterday afternoon and be the first to use the . I still don't have time as work is mounting around my ears. But I want to say:

Sarlat I'm devastated for you. I really hoped that after all the pain and heartache you've been through this would be your moment to have centre stage and happy news. I'm sorry to hear your hubby is devastated too. You need each other at this time. Be kind to yourselves and give yourself plenty of time to heal - physically and emotionally. I don't really know what else to say. Huge hugs. I'm so sorry.

Frannie Keith and Lemons you two actually made me well up too. It all got a bit emotional yesterday. But I'm actually quite glad it was a reflective day. I find it helpful to vent all my stuff on here. DH made some very nice comments that feeling numb can be a positive thing, it's your mind and body not beating themselves up anymore and letting you have a rest. It doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean that you have given up. It's just a coping mechanism. You shouldn't feel guilty about a coping mechanism. Ah he's such a great DH.

Right, I will be back later for proper replies. Hope everyone is having a lovely last day before the uber long weekend xxxx

- y'all know who I am

sarlat I'm so sorry. There isn't anything I can say. Take care of each other.
Thank you all for sharing so frankly. I'm relieved that it's not just me who is meh and has no libido. I'd put it down to all the crap MrTeu and I have been through in the last 3 years. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm coming out the other end of a 2 year bout of depression but thinking that really maybe I need to consider ADs again and feeling a failure. I put on more weight before Christmas which does nothing for feeling like 'me' (especially when one has to be on show as the bride in a dress that you decide last minute isn't you). Just more of my lovely clothes I can't get into. I am walking home from work though I was at a linen party last night and it was the nursery stuff that I really liked
Hope you all have nice plans for your 4 day weekend.

Oh sarlat I am so deeply sorry for you and MrSarlat. As others have said who have been through the same thing on here, you need to allow yourself time to grieve. It?s utterly shite and everything may seem helpless right now but it?s nowhere near the end of the road . People have said before that you have to look at ivf as a 3 cycle process. It doesn?t seem fair but you have options and you have good embies in the freezer and there are positives. It?s scary about the fluid etc but hopefully the doctor can advise you a bit more on this. I don?t think your doc sounds very caring and unfortunately i think this comes with the territory. I?ve been told that I shouldn?t expect any love from doctors when it comes to ivf. Anyway we of course will give you love and support on here. I know the next few weeks/months or so will be tough coming to terms with this but it?s going to happen for you.

lemon - and i am sorry about IUI#3. It totally sucks. I was hoping we would get an IUI success on our thread. I know what you mean about thinking that IUI isn?t the road to take. I felt like that too but went ahead with it anway. Frannie is thinking that too. I can?t remember , are you unexplained or has a reason been discovered as to why this isn?t happening for you?

gin - no need to apologise about the middy mentalling. As i said, i can?t bear looking at pictures of her because I find i start looking at her facial expressions to see if they tell me something. WTF?!

frannie - loved your post, you put it very eloquently and at this ?journey? feeling like we are xfactor contestants!

eruo - yes that?s exactly why I ahve become more unsociable.

wine - how was the trip to the shops?

artemis - the gushy letter sounds hideous but then to say ?i didn?t think you wanted kids? is the ultimate insult. How to put someone down ? i?m glad you don?t really see her any more. She certainly belongs in th covern. . I do think other people?s comments add to a lot of the woes with ttc. It?s the constant asking. It?s the comments about how amazing motherhood is and blah de blah.

I know I have loads more to catch up on but am off on holiday tomorrow and trying to wrap everything up at work.

I had my final scan and the woman is in a bit of a muddle about what day i am on. She said i was on CD22 but worked out i?m on Day 20 but it was too late to tell her. She said my period would arrive in 10days and I know it will arrive in the next 5 days. Anyway, i need to organise a meeting to go through everything with her when i get back so i?m just going to forget about it now. There doesn?t seem to be any thing i can do to get pregnant so it will be interesting to see what all my bloods say.

If i have wifi on holiday i will be tuning in of course, if not, speak to you all in a week or so.

On my way home from holiday so just a quick log in.
Sarlat I am so sorry to hear the news x
I will put the computer on tonight and have a proper read through.
Its been a good break but family holiday so surrounded by babies and bumps. We took a friend who has a child the same age as DD so she had someone to play with, pity it wasn't a sibling :(

Good afternoon TTCers pong, pong, pong, pong

Hoorah for the arrival of the weekend. Although I will be scrubbing walls Sun - Tues. Weak yay. Still it has to be done, flat sale is pressing ahead and I don't fancy joining in with Jubilee stuff as I will be sad about not making delicious cupcakes and Pimms.

I hope we are all feeling ok today? I know that I am feeling better especially after my sesh with the Brown Goddess yesterday afternoon.

Gin I am so glad that naughty period turned up and that you can relax and start focusing on the summer of mending and relaxing.

Artemis I am hugely at your friend for a) writing you a sappy letter. What does she think this is 1935? and b) that comment. Inexcusable.

Lemons I am also hugely at the people who watch you and your intake. What losers! One good thing about the brown diet for me is that I can merrily tell people that I'm not drinking / consuming all the other stuff because of the hormone stuff so that if I do fall pregnant there will be no suspicion, unless of course I start eating cheese and cream again, which may be a give away for those paying close attention to my yawnsome lectures. I'm so sorry that IUI III didn't work for you and I hope you have a nice month off with lots of .

So I am sat here with a mammoth broccoli, chard and apple juice on ice. A special cocktail for a Friday afternoon. Brown Goddess is incredibly happy with my progress and determination. She was mega impressed that we didn't SWI when I got the positive OPK. When I told her about the piss stick she almost cried with happiness and I think she actually had a small tear as she clutched to her chest I'm not really one for this sort of behavior but I am actually getting used to these kinder, hippyer types it's, well, oddly soothing.

There is little that I need to tweak in the brown diet regime and the hair mineral analysis results were not as scarey as I thought and nothing has been chopped from my diet (phew almonds and kale are staying - winning!). I have to up my juicing, 1 big one every day without fail, preferably green - this is to help the absorption of the extra calcium in my system. The magnesium in the green juice should help this. I have to take zinc and magnesium super supplements to combat the calcium and copper and my sodium deficiency is largely to do with low potassium but she isn't too worried about this one, just a reminder to add a moderate amount of sea or rock salt when we cook. As the HMA is showing a picture of me over the last 6 months (including some pretty spectacular drinking fails over my besties hen do and 30th birthday and new year etc etc) the brown stuff, up'd vegetable and fruit regime and the teetotalling (11th week on Sunday - I have it marked in my diary because I promised myself a special treat for week 12 - I still have my thinking cap on). I am also being put on lots of scary vitamins (I think there are some veggies on here, so I won't tell you what's in them but I'm a bit freaked out to say the least) and some new omega 3 and 6 supplements. She also gave me a box of eggs that her hens had laid. Oh and she has a country pad to die for. Modest in size (bigger than our new house but that really isn't saying much!) and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Lots of pics of her gorgeous family everywhere and decorated like something out of an interior design magazine article. OH is now being signed up to go and see her and will have to do the pube analysis given my low zinc levels. Ha ha and ha! I hope she bans his delicious coffee, it's bothering me even more than usual at the moment. She was also very impressed with the raw vegan key lime cheesecake, I saved the label to show her and she was like, "wow that has nothing that doesn't have a nutritional property in it". Brownie points (ha ha ha ha brownie geddit - ok weak I know) pour moi. In 6 weeks time its knickers off and back on the TTC wagon. I will be back in the game with your ladies sooner than I thought wooohooo :) My first 2ww will be the end of July. I am also allowed to have a really nice glass of every so often as a treat if I fancy it. But it is to be a rare treat and high quality wine in a small glass. This is dangerous as Princess Barry loves posh wine and one small glass will never sate the wine worm that hides in Princess Barry's tummy hole. She also tried to convince me to put off my NHS appointment as she said they will undoubtedly be negative about my fertility (interesting) and that I have to give her regime the full 3 months to be in tippy toppy breeding mode. My mum was furious about this, although before I even got a word in sideways, to say that I won't be delaying the NHS appointment, I will be pressing them for a day 21 blood test and some further information about the previous scan (for those of you who don't remember they told me - lovely uterus (which happens to be anteverted, although my mum has this too), good left ovary, bobbly right ovary, hmm, better check the left again, oh well some cysts but not many. Then my GP tells me that actually they have no idea about the bobbliness of the lefty as it was hidden behind my bladder. So why say anything?! I would like some proper answers on this matter and to find out whether a) I have low prog because my eggs are low quality or b) if I have bobbly ovaries for another reason. I expect I'll get a shrug of shoulders and the unexplained bollocks. However, I will be telling them that I do wish to continue with the diet and nothing else until later this summer. I'm not anti medical stuff but I want to give the brown a chance. I would be a bit of a crap guinea pig otherwise wouldn't I?!

The Gluckster clinic is clearly very busy or just ignoring my email. I'm not impressed that they didn't respond immediately. It was a long email that took me ages to write and I carefully checked the grammer too. There is an eery silence in the Gluck room I have set up and am thinking that this maybe Gluck is a lost cause. Perhaps because I asked for a price list they instantly put me into the trash can.

Frannie Keith The X Factor journey made me too. Imagine the panel of judges being like the medical team for a very odd fertility clinic. And Simon Cowell peering up the fanjo or Tulissa blow job queen giving advice. SHUDDER

Sarlat hoping that you are bearing up ok today and that you have some nice but gentle activities lined up for the next week. Still thinking of you. xxx

Wine I would lurve a tabbard of spectacular beauty and upliftingness. They sound like they would be both practical (pocket for sparkly fertility knob) and magical properties.

Well I'm off to have soothing Friday evening reflexology....mmmnnnn ahhhhhh.... and then we are having one of my fave dinners mediterranean lamb casserole with brown and green stuff, followed by raw vegan key lime cheesecake.

Waves to everyone else I've missed. I'm now running late and realaise I need to change out of dress and into trousers for foot rub otherwise she may get a rather unpleasant view up skirt I'm also scared I'll let one off after the massive green juice I've just consumed - whoops!

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx princess barry

Hi 10+ers! Are you all out enjoying the one sunny day of the LOOOOOONG weekend? I made brown semi-freddo. But I guess it is not allowed for barry, it contains all the forbidden things: dairy (cream), alcohol (lots of it), and raw egg. It also contains nuts (good) but they are caramilised (bad, and how do you spell that anyway?) Leaving some for everyone who can do with a bit of guilt-free online indulgence.

artemis at your friends comment, I had a so call friend text me to ask about a meet up after she had her baby, I said not now as I was going through my second miscarriage she oh sorry, and then asked, where do you get your wool from I left it a few days then told her what I really thought, she said she couldn't deal with this right now as she had problems, I told her all her problems were of her own making, and we haven't spoken since, good riddance to nasty trash I say.

salat sorry about the news, its totally frustrating, big hugs

wine i hope you got something nice for yourself

carrie isoon you'll have a sibling for DD

beck congrats on your bfp

Well i'm not sure what i've done on this computer but the writing is huge on the screen, anyway waves to everyone else, hope you enjoy the long weekend

All right lads?

Back from my poetry retreat and loving the blokey name changes Barry, keith and Dave, you will see I have entered into the spirit of things too! The poetry retreat was just the ticket - there was one pregnant woman there, and I remembered when I booked it hoping that I would be pregnant too - but almost everyone else either had smallish children and were saying how hard it was to find time to write with little ones around, or were in their fifties and sixties and saying how pleased they were to have all the spare time to write. I did write a comedy poem about how undignified and crap it is getting a transvaginal ultrasound, which got some laughs, and afterwards lots of people came up to me and said that either they had been through the same grueling process when they were ttc, or that their grandchildren were all IVF babies. It was really nice, and felt good to be creative and surrounded by lovely and crazy people, all with their own crap to write about. For once, I felt like it was just one thing in my life, and not the only thing. It really was just exactly what I needed. And now I'm on CD1 of my first monitored clomid cycle... artemis let's hope this is lucky number 4 on the Clomid for us!

sarlat I am devastated for you and so sorry that this cycle didn't work. I hope you're looking after yourself and that you and your DH are taking time to grieve. Everyone else has said it all.

lemon so sorry to hear that IUI didn't work. It doesn't seem to have a good track record for our little thread. That semi freddo sounds delish - was is caramel? I have fallen off the brown wagon in a big way, I'm afraid... no booze or caffeine recently, but I have been at the ice cream and the crisps - my weakness. Hoping my expensive green juices will make up for it!

princessbarry Love the ! And well done on the brown diet advances, I love hearing about your digestive exploits. I am beyond impressed by your willpower and cheerfulness - you're always such a sunny presence here. I know this must be incredibly hard on you and I don't think any of us think that you're not 'serious' about it - and I was so sorry to read back and see you'd been feeling blue.

becks many many congratulations! We were so due a BFP on this thread! :) Great news scurries off to examine baking soda in fridge .... worries about frothing fanjo and thinks better of it

Waves and hugs to everyone else and apologies for not namechecking more - I am at work and surreptiously posting in between ploughing through emails. I'm thinking of you all and holding your hands.

One other thing - while I was poeting, someone told me about a beautiful sequence of poems about IVF on the radio... I can't find an iplayer link, but that might be because I'm in the US.

Morning lovely 10+ers!

How are you all? Lovely to have you back pete and I am no envious of your poetry retreat, it sounds fab. And so good to have the whole TTC as only one thing in your life rather than The Thing.

Here all is well, since getting offered a job on Friday I have been hyperactive with baking, seeing friends and drinking. So I guess today everything is just catching up with me. Feeling knackered and hangover...

Waves to everyone and hoping that you'll all return when it is no longer weekend and you've got to pretend to do some work.

Why is my crown not working? Stamps foot and huddles crossly in a huff!

Quick wave to our quiet thread. I've been with family for some of the weekend and sleeping to make up for it yesterday!

Poetry sounds like a really good get away pete and congratulations lemon on job offer!

I'm in a very strange, unfathomable place/mood with ttc. Hoping a trip to the acupuncturist will sort me out a bit tomorrow.

I will await people's long weekend news. Ive missed you all!

Morning lads, hasn't it been quiet over the weekend? I've missed everyone and didn't want to be the only poster over the weekend and look like a complete saddo

Just popping on to say hello and to welcome Pete back. Your retreat sounds amazing. Like Lemons I too am c.

Lemons congrats on the job offer and hooray for hangovers and baking :) Sounds like a lovely weekend and just the ticket for your month off.

Wine I'll join you in the strange mood corner. I've been through every emotion this weekend and more. Think it's the impending doctors appointment and AF on her way into town. How was your family do? Did you find something lovely to wear?

Well I'm on CD 25 and the PMS melt down came and went on Saturday / Sunday like a hormone tornado. Am feeling much better today but really went to town on OH to the point where he said, "I just don't know what to do with you any more. You're impossible" Cue wailing into sofa and then stomping to bed. I hate my hormones. I was also quite rude to DIL, which went down like a sack of shit but he sooooo deserved it

So we went to nice gardens for MILs birthday on Sat and then have spent the rest of the weekend scrubbing walls and preparing upstairs for replastering, electrics and painiting. We are going back today but as you can see neither of us are rushing, my arms really ache; we don't have a loo and the supplements are causing some strange loo based occurrences. All I can say is burning frequent poop. . In other news my temp seems to be doing what it should be (I have been using the thermometer incorrectly, I only worked out last week that it went under the tongue and not just in the mouth - dumbass) which is making me feel better and OH and I went through all the basics of hormone production / ovulation processes / how Clomid works / what luteal phase defect is together on the iPad on the sofa whilst watching the Royal Gig. It's made me feel calmer, we both learned a lot and I feel ready to see the consultant. We def think I fall into the luteal phase defect camp and we're going to make sure I have lots of carotene to help my corpus luteum's. We both agreed that it sounds like I need progesterone supplements. I'm sooo glad to have OH on side and prepared before the meeting next week. I also learned that ovaries are white and corpus luteum's yellow - made me think of chicken eggs! Bookar! Something I hadn't really thought about before. We also came across a photograph of someone ovulating. It now feels fascinating again. OH is much more able to look at these things rationally as I'vee been panicking and searching for solutions but haven't really stopped to take in the basics. I'm still scared shitless (not helped by burning fall through) about the appointment in 6 days time but also quit excited too.

Right, I've got a day of DIY ahead I better change out of my jim jams and muster some wall scrubbing enthusiasm. Weak yay.

Evening lads

Hope everyone is well & enjoyed the long weekend. Clearly we all post mainly to avoid work. Glad it's not just me

Pete your writing course sounds fab, i would genuinely love to read your poem but I guess it would compromise your anonymity if I begged you to post it on here... yes fx for round 4 of Clomid, let's hope it's the lucky one for us.

Lemons well done on the new job! I am impressed by your baking efforts. I made a cake yesterday. It was not an unqualified success but if I chip off the burnt bits and smother it in double cream it doesn't taste too bad

Barry the crown suits you I am so impressed by your DIY efforts. I couldn't even be bothered to shove the hoover round this weekend. Though I did construct an item of IKEA furniture that we bought about 6 months ago and was still in its box.

I've avoided most of the jubilee madness but enjoyed a few days off lounging with Mr A. I bet the queen wishes she could have ducked it all as well. When I'm 86 I doubt I'll want to spend hours on a boat in the pissing rain then sit through hours of autotuned dreck from the likes of Cheryl Cole followed by Paul McCartney wailing through an inexplicable set list (ob-la-di must be a contender for one of the worst ever Beatles songs). Gin I would be surprised if K-Middy is preg judging by the look of her on that boat. I bet her BMI is nowhere near 20, she wouldn't qualify for treatment at our PCT. Someone should pop out to Greggs and get the poor girl a pasty.

Ooh better go, Mr A has returned from his mission for (I have been so good lately, not a drop has passed my lips, but I've got a wine worm too and it is screaming to be fed). I shall no doubt be back tomorrow avoiding work. Have a lovely evening chaps

Alright lads? Thought I'd jump on the name/gender changed band wagon. May have more chance of getting updiffed as a man! Hope you all had lovely weekends.

buzzy hope you holiday was/is lovely! Wine and gelato, nom nom.

joy hope you're having a fab holiday too. How confusing bout your monitoring.

barry hurrah for brown diet lady being pleased with you and swi starting sooner rather than later. And pleased to hear you are feeling excited about it all again. Mrgin is totally uninterested in it all, so I'm v impressed at your DH taking an interest. Maybe if it had bloody FIFA stamped on it, mrgin would be more interested.... Progesterone suppliments do sound like they'd be a good idea and I know of someone who used them to prevent reoccurring miscarriages - they worked & she has 2 kids!

pete I toooooo realllllly want to read your dildocam poem. Could you pm us it?!? Sounds like an ace weekend.

lemons so sorry about the iui fail. Hugs.

artemis lol at feeding the Middy up with some pies! I do wonder how all the skinny celebs have baybees. Hope you are enjoying your wine.

wine sorry to hear of you're being in a strange place. When are you allowed to get back on the ttc horse?

We had a nice weekend with the in laws, although I was a total pmt bitch (must have been the weekend for it princess!). Kept it mostly under wraps around the ILs berated poor DH in private, but did have a mini break down in a museum! I was feeling like a freak cos everyone there our age had kids and then we went into a gallery of childhood. It was like a long-term ttcer's worse nightmare - images of cute kids and things we can't have such as cots everywhere, with nursery rhymes playing on loop. Gulp. I cried but managed to dash to the loo before the ILs saw. Gawd, what a freak I am.

Despite af having gone, still a bit grumpy and have a kinda migraine, which implies my hormones are still a bit odd. Getting increasingly cross with mrgin's (and his family's) refusal to talk about the ivf and what we do next. Humph. Am seeing some close friends on thurs, so will be able to drone on about it all then! It's tough, as mrgin doesn't like talking about it as it makes him feel worse and me crying about babies/museum exhibits also makes him bad.

Anyways, hope you all had good weekends, participating in/avoiding jubilee stuff. I've missed you all too! Who else would understanding sobbing in a museum am hoping you do?!

Evening all,

I've been watching the CNN coverage of the Jubilee, misty eyed, with a bottle of cava and Mr C. Missed you all over the long weekend, but hope that everyone had a good time! I am going to try to PM those interested in reading my dildocam poem... it's a bit embarrassing but what the hell, in for a penny, etc!

wine I'm thinking of you and really, really, really hoping that you're healing and not feeling too sore. If they gave out medals for TTC valour, you would have a whole gleaming stack. I am sending positive thoughts for you to get well, and I really hope that the acupuncturist helped make you feel better.

buzzy hope your Italian holiday is going well and that much gelato is being consumed - loved hearing about the gondola singer!

gin, my love - so sorry that you had a tearful trip to the museum, and that you are having such a rough time. Chats with friends are always good - glad you'll get to see good pals on Thursday.

lemons massive congratulations on the new job. Do you start this week? Keeping busy is always good - baking is very therapeutic!

artemis I too was watching K-Mid with a gimlet eye on the barge while trying to ignore Piers Morgan's witterings... what a clown. I have to say, I'm pretty relieved there doesn't seem to be a royal baby in the works yet. Those two took their time getting married, and perhaps they'll do the same with children, in spite of the massive amount of pressure on them to procreate. Thank God I am not in her shoes.

Hugs to you all - had the CD2 pre-clomid scan and blood test today at the red carpet fertility clinic... wasn't too bad, she turned the light off for the actual dildocamming so I didn't have to panic about there being period everywhere. Not one of my finest moments, but manageable. Oh, and I met my pal's baby today - she's the friend I've mentioned before, just a few months shy of 42, had several miscarriages before having her little chap on Sunday morning. She looked so happy and I was genuinely thrilled for her.

Morning lads - I forgot how to do name changing, so you're stuck with a lemon, but they are most often male, right?

Pete can I have the poem too? I am so curious! Good to hear the cd2 scan was okay and not too mortifying.

Sorry you've had such a difficult weekend jim and more sorry that mrGJ is not willing or capable to engage with the ivf situation. And yes, I do understand so well about the crying in the childhood gallery in the museum. My new strategy is to send children's books to the new-borns, rather than cute clothes, so I do not have to stray into that territory of the shops...

My DH was on a wine mission last night too, artemis. I fell off and the wagon by now is well past the horizon... Anything works well with cream, so I am sure with it your cake became a huge success. Oh and I was loving your pasty comment about middy. She did not used to be this skinny, right? I remember her looking fairly normal, skinny, but not underweight...

PrincessB much respect for the DIY you are doing. There were several repairs to the flat to be done this weekend, but somehow they never made it to the top of the to do list, unlike lots of baking and drinking. Btw did you sell the flat to the royal customers? Or did there money vanish overnight?

Big waves to all the other boys expected back here, now all the celebrations and lazing about are over!

Whereismywinewarren? Wozza?

princess strange mood corner really does capture the place. Sorry to hear about the bad poo effects, it really does hijack my brown diet plans quite often. Id love to hear more about your brown goddess, I find that side of things really interesting and I'm back into reading the fertile female to give myself some inspiration. Hope your mood feels a bit better and it's nice that mr Barry joins in with looking at corpus luteums!

critter well done for surviving cd2 scanning and thanks for being so nice. Lovely to hear about your friend. Those stories feel so uplifting. One thing I'm glad of for this stint in ttc wilderness is my understanding of something that if I'd conceived quickly, would have gone a bit unprocessed (hope that makes sense).

artemis Kate is thin these days. Mr wine doesn't understand my interest in her pregnancy status. I'm glad I'm not alone!

gin huge hugs about the museum incident, it sounds hellish and exactly the kind of place where I would feel like weeping. Some of our stories of everyday ttc salt in wounds resonate so much. You couldn't make some of them up. Sorry there is a bit of a lack of talking going on, hopefully your friends will be good shoulders and let it all out on here.

I've been oddly tearful at the drop of a hat and I can't even blame my period. Overall it was a really nice weekend with family, quiet time with mr wine and seeing friends. I managed to just about fit back into normal clothes (uncomfy but getting there, jeans might be later in the summer) and I'm healing up well I think. I can't sleep on my tummy yet which is how I sleep, so that will be a breakthrough. Still swollen and bruised but amazing how the body heals itself. I can safely laugh again now. But NOT coughing or sneezing. I feel well prepared should I, or anyone on here need a c section. I can provide a small manual.

I feel in a sheltered place at the moment. I'm 16 cycles in, no one has said we can't do it, tubes are flushed, womb moved, no fibroid, sperm and eggs at the ready. So thats good but, when we start ttc again, if it doesn't work I'm going to be very sad. So I want to just stay here and not face it! As I cant lie on my tummy, have weight on it, or comfortably lie on my side, or tense my stomach muscles, swi this month is not looking likely unless it's quick and I'm very still!!!! Consultant said wait til after your period and see how you feel but most likely six weeks. It will have been 4 when and if I ov. I think I might just leave it and give myself more head space and healing time and not a shitty two week wait. But the lure of shiny tubes is quite strong. Advice on this welcome! I can't help but think that I need to be not anemic, a good weight and further mended. No doubt acu will tell me off for even contemplating it. It's hard not to have a bit of hope that maybe this will fix things. But I'm 90% sure that it's something else that no one has put their finger on. How on earth do ttc years speed by so quickly?

Morning

Hope everyone had a good bank holiday but it appears there has been waves of meh-ness, hormones and tears. I am feeling pretty awful.

Love all the new blokeish titles. Might take me a while to remember them all.

Joy - good luck with setting up the next clinic meeting - hope it reveals something new to work with.

Euro - totally agree about the anti social behaviours from TTC. I dragged myself to the neighbours bbq on Monday afternoon which was actually a good distraction. When I was chatting to the loveley hostess she asked me what I had been up to. It's so embarressing because I literally have nothing to say for myself. Nothing in my normal life changes (jobs, holidays etc). Just got nothing to say. And can't tell these people about latest IVF shenanigans so I just stand there looking like a boring moron when the reality is my life is turning upside down and twisting every way under the sun imaginable.

Wine - hope you found something nice to wear. And thank you for the "outside looking in perspective" - it really does help and gives me a boost.

Barry - Your DH's comments about being numb make sense. I'd give anything to feel a bit numb a the moment. It's great that the Brown Goddess is there to keep urging you on. I find this type of support invaluable (which I get from my reflexologist). I agree about delaying your NHS appointment slightly. The NHS will be there in a few weeks / months with there 'one treatment fits all approach' but you will only get one shot at trying something like the Brown diet approach.

Artemis - Hope you are feeling better now last clomid has been popped?

Frannie - I have taken your advise and managed to get swapped over to another consultant for a second opinion. I have an appointment with her in late June so the 12 week wait has been avoided too. I am already compiling my questions.

Jim - thank you for your wise words - might look in to counselling. I'm sorry to hear Mr GJ is not yet ready to look at IV. I guess there will be a good reason for him feeling this way. Is it because the issues are sperm? I don't know if he would consider acupuncture and chinese meds etc but they really helped my DH's semen analysis. The clinic were threatening ICSI for us but in the end we were able to do IVF. I know everyone's circumstances are different but even if your DH's SA could be improved a little bit then it may get you over another IVF hurdle.

DH took omega 3 oil capsule, prengnacare for him multi vits, a chinese med called Wu Zi Yan Zong Wan and drank tomato juice every night. He had fortnightly acupuncture with a fertility specialist. I also made sure he didn't put his mobile phone anywhere near his bits (use to put it in jeans pocket) and no cycling etc. Apologies if your issues are not DH related and I have the wrong end of the stick. But I guess the above ideas may help someone in any case.

Also Jim - sorry about your nightmare museum trip from hell!

Lemon - like the book present idea. I have found buying cute babygrows a recipe for disaster.

Teuch - sorry you are down - you are not a failiure and use whatever strategies work for you and be proud.

Pete - wow, the poetry retreat sounds amazing - well done you and please pm me your poem. Good luck with this clomid cycle.

Well I have been through a rainbow of emotions. We got the bad news on Thursday and I felt exactly as you would expect for the first 3 days - shocked, sad, scared, inadequate, grief for the embryo etc. However I found surrounding myself with loved ones and staying active really helped to distract me. For example on Saturday I went with my sister to a wedding dress fitting which was great as I was with close family and we have an nice day.

My period came on Thursday. It has been heavy and a little crampy but nothing too awful thank goodness. I did feel poorly and achey yesterday so took paracetamol. I think it is due to all the drugs coming out of my system.

But since Monday, my feelings have changed and turned in a away I could never have predicted. I'm not really dwelling on the lost pregnancy and embryo but I am feeling really devastated for us - especially my DH. I feel really vulnerable and frightened about the power of the universe and what it's doing to us. I feel powerless to make changes. So my feelings have moved away from thinking of babies and now I'm just thinking of us and how far we have fallen.

I am also cross with the Dr's. The registrar who was looking after me told me on the day I was waiting for my test results that if it was negative, I couldn't progress to FET and will have my tubes removed. This is completely innapproriate. Not ony did I have to worry about if I was pregnant or not, I had to worry if I was going to be made sterile or not. I have changed consultants and am waiting for an appointment on late June.

The Dr's want to remove both fallopian tubes in there entirety to get rid of the toxins. This will mean I can never conceive naturally. But becuase I have conceived before and because the Dr's said I still have a small chance of natural conception, this is an awful thing to comtemplate. I just don't think the Dr's get this.

I have found a study which says women with hydrosaplinx do better at FET than during a fresh cycle as the drugs from the IVF egg collection can cause the hydrosaplinx to swell further. Also, why on earth can't I just have had a failed bad luck cycle? The way my Dr was talking you would have thought I was certain to get pregnant had it not been for the hydrosalpinx. But they can't ever say that for anyone can they? I can feel a bit of fight in me coming back but then I fear I'm just setting myself up for another fail.

Its a hard game is this. Just when I think I have felt every emotion and heard every bad bit of news, things just change again.

Wow - sorry for another mega post. xxxx