TTC 10 plus months, Part 7

[lisacn]

A friendly, supportive thread for those of us who are taking a bloody long little longer time than average to conceive.

becks you do know that we are all going to be shooting bicarb up our woo woos now, don't you? (Although, logically, for those of us who have tried IUI acidic mucus really can't be the problem, or at least the only problem.) Congrats on your pregnancy.

Morning ladies 'tis I le Pout (silent "T")...

Lemons Any AF update? Thinking of you.
I agree about the whole weighing people up in the fertility waiting room. When we were last there there was a really perky, attractive couple. She was all glowy and smiley. I felt like me and DH looked like some specimens off the Jeremy Vile show in comparison, not helped by the fact that we had one of those whispered/hissed arguments in the waiting room

becks Massive congratulations on your BFP Douching you say...rummages through baking cupboard and wonders whether Cream of Tartar or Baking Powder would do the job

wine how are you feeling today? With your Primary school teacher skillz I will be expecting a banner, register and a rousing chorus of Old MacDonalds Farm at the very least!

sarlat Good luck for later. FX for you

Princess you did make me laugh at your meet up exploits. I can only imagine what horrors went through your mind when the waiter suggested that you might recognise your friends

Gin Sorry that you have an AWOL period.

Artemis at the underground sperm bunker
I was pondering the whole meet up location thing. It's tricky. I was initially thinking a central London location again, maybe St Jame's Park 'cos it's close to Victoria station (even the thought of a day at the seaside crossed my mind) but any other suggestions would be welcomed! It's a shame that we are all a bit far flung.
I've been waiting for the whole Royal baby thing and the horrific media fest that will ensue. Of course she is upduffed, been married a year it's now time for the fairytale baby [bitter smiley] I reckon she would've been checked out for her baby making capacity. There is no way Wills would marry a barren.

frannie I agree about losing self confidence a bit since TTC. I definitely have. Even the thought of coming into London freaked me a bit (which is mad because I used to live & work there!)! I find that I just want to cocoon myself away at home where I can censor my exposure to pregnants and babies.

Oh the horror of that FB picture. I bloody hate FB and it's capacity to totally ruin your day.

Hello ladygee I totally understand the taking a step back from TTC mentalling but it is nice to see you

BTW on a totally non-TTC related point, has anyone put a vinyl floor down themselves? Is it easy?

YouCanCallMeDave

In other news, I am working reallly oh I'm so much more crap than I used to be I've found a post on a forum that say's the Gluck nearly killed someone with progesterone? I hope they don't mean literally but they were pretty angry about it! And it would appear it's £70 for an initial consultation (2010 prices) I'm starting an MN thread to find out. Still at Dave

becks - woohoo wow! congratulations that is amazing news. You must be thrilled. Wasn?t this your first month of clomid or am I mistaken? Tell us all.

at pout ?s imagination of wombs dragging on the floor the other night. haha. A picnic in the park is a nice idea.

lemon - i am sorry about the spotting. It?s so boring and frustrating. I hope you?re ok.

Sarlat - best of luck today. I?m not sure how you can prepare for it. I don?t know whether it?s just me but I actually get butterflies for the ladies who have been through ivf and then waiting to hear what the test results say. I just think everyone should get a bfp after what they have been through. Anyway i?m throwing a horseshoe, 4 leaf clover, feathers and bollocks and what ever else brings you luck.

princess - can?t wait to hear what the Gluck tells you. that will be an interesting meeting. I love the fact that your diet seems to be balancing out your hormones. And i think you?ll definitely be able to do this au natural.

wine - i really believe that all the shit that was going on inside of you was preventing you from getting pregnant. I really really feel positive for you once you start trying again.

gin - i?m sorry that af has gone awol. I don?t think any of us will learn not to poas when in our hearts we think it can?t be possible.

Oh and i can?t even look at piccies of kate middy because i think it will bother me quite a lot when the announcement comes . Having said that I did predict that she would have been pregnant by xmas last year! And i think we were all muttering on here last year her dresses were looking a bit looser then and she had that pregnant look. And just to confirm that i probably need to see talk to a shrink about my odd interest in her impending pregnancy , i did think that Wills has only been back from the Falklands for about 6wks so if she is cooking a bun already, it would be very early stages and we wouldn?t hear about it for another couple of months. Also i have noticed that really thin people don?t actually start showing until about 16 weeks and even then you have to really look.

Now that?s off my chest, frannie - sorry about that FB picture. I saw exactly the same thing on my feed a couple of years ago and i quite frankly turned green. It?s like looking through a window and peering in but can?t join in on the fun...uum i am now thinking of the pearly gates. Also i really hope you get some doctors to prescribe you clomid/metformin soon as i think this may be the missing link for you....says Dr Joy.

Totally agree with artemis as well about becoming more unsociable. Apparently this comes with the territory and is totally normal but it?s one of those hidden side effects that is difficult to explain and probably difficult for friends to understand. I dread meeting friends who are pregnant or who could spring a pregnancy announcement on me. I haven?t had a dinner party in well over a year now whereas we always use to throw them.. I haven?t returned a call from a friend who has come back from her honeymoon because her voicemail message sounded so happy and I fear she will tell me she is trying or is already pregnant. Also I don?t have a huge amount to say for myself ? I can pretend to her life is great and I?m happy at the moment or I can try and explain how I am finding this process rather distressing and how it is dominating my life which is terribly dull and negative for people to hear. I have also only just got round to sending a card to my friend who suddenly told me she had had a baby ? i do feel bad that i never responded to her text but I just was reeling especially as I told her last year how i found pregnancy announcements so difficult. I am sure other people not in this position would just say, ? well if you want to end up a sad , bitter old woman, this is the right way of going about it? but sometimes stepping away from people is the safest option.

Sorry for the rant. Hope everyone else is ok.

Totally missed a load of posts and my post is a burnout of date now.
Becks - fab news and I think you have may started a new craze on here of soaks in baking powder.
Hahahaha at TruckerDave making an appearance. Hahaha
Hi Ladygray hope you at keeping well and glad you are busy.

joycep and Artemis I have also found that I have become less sociable. I noticed the same with my friend who is now pregnant following IVF.

I think it is caused by a combination of things in my case. Partly just feeling miserable and not like I want to see anyone. Partly because all of my friends have kids or are pregnant, so I can't meet them without ending up hearing about all that stuff. Partly because I am so ttc-obsessed I feel I have become boring and don't have any other topics of conversation. And partly because I have cut down on drinking (and for a while cut it out completely) and my social life has always revolved around alcohol.

Heh@truckerDave!

pout not exactly, but my family business is flooring so I have seen it done many times. This weather it should be pretty easy as it will be nice and flexible (it can crack if too cold). You just need a nice sharp stanley knife and you're off!

Oh god Barrydeath by progesterone does not sound good?!! What would happen - massively exploding excruciating boobs? I am thinking of seeing a nutritionist, what did you search for? You capture my whole thoughts on the midster too well. But how to check for barreness? In intial tests I'd have come out alright on paper. It just wouldn't happen to a royal though would it. I only found out recently that marilyn Monroe had awful problems. Not that she was royal, ramble ramble.

Dave ha! Shush or I'll make tabards for everyone adorned with glitter, feathers and cut out felt dildos.

becks thank you muchly for your bicarbonate recipe of sexiness! I've had half a mind to so that for ages, it's actually suggested in one of my many fertility books but I would have walloped in half a packet, made some awful kind of froth and ended up with burns most likely, that sounds much more sensible. Im so glad for you. Do you think it was that that did it? A damn sight cheaper than ivf!

ladygee hello! Glad to hear you have a quieter time at work and nice to see you.

sarlet and lemon big hugs and thinking of you both.

I am braving a half hour carefully planned trip to The Shops today. Mr W is parking outside and Im going to see if I can purchase something to wear that doesn't rub my tummy or waist or make me look pregnant. I can't believe how swollen my tummy is, I have no waist still. It's not like a bloaty feeling, just huge and puffy. Mostly I just want to be naked as all clothes are uncomfy. But im braving a family do tomorrow at my mums and this wouldn't be appropriate. I refuse to look at maternity clothing!

Oh cross post with euro and joycep. thanks, joycep I think my womb has been like wacky races for sperms. I am also far far less sociable now than I was 18 months ago. I can't be bothered by:

Being asked about babies
Seeing babies/bumps in big gatherings
Seeing my extended family as I'm the only cousin with no children (a, missing a huge party in a couple of weeks)
Drinking events, they make me feel guilty or I have to endure them sober so this rules out socialising with mr ws friends and none of them have kids, can't win.

Also, I feel less attractive. I'm sure this is all tied up with feeling barren and useless.

I can't imagine what I will feel like if I reach the other side. Like old me?

wine my friend who is now pg is back to her old self. It is one of the points I am usuing to persuade myself to start the IVF. Once you are pregnant, it doesn't mean the worrying stops, but it does mean that this limbo and waiting period is over and we can start looking forward.

Well put euro, limbo is so difficult. When we got married I felt so happy and 'normal'. I'm losing sight of what it would feel like. It's not that I'm sad all the time, just a bit lost?

Good luck at the shops wine I hope you find something lovely to wear :)

Sorry that you and some of the others are feeling a bit lost in limbo. I also feel that I've been stranded and am out there on my own (although you ladies make it so much better). I have the lifestyle of pregnant lady (for too long) and no actual bump or impending motherhood. I've looked at a grand total of 6 seasons of maternity fashion and still don't even have some yummy-pregnant-mummy jeans. If I had bought some in June 2009, they would be out of date by now! There is a really lovely baby / mummy shop that I have to walk past every day and they always have lovely baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity nighties and bags and toys. It doesn't even bother me now. Which I almost feel is sadder than feeling upset every time I walk past. I've been really honest with everyone (friends, friends of friends, family) and so we still go out (less so because we are usually knackered from house and lots of other people are doing serious grown up stuff) and I make a big fuss about drinking water so that I out fuss friends / family. Most people are too embarrassed to talk about it now anyway. Or have learned the hard way that if they ask they will get a lecture in reproductive problems. I had my massive wobble with the preggo announcements in April but since then seem to have been a bit better (or maybe just more numb). My friend has 'exciting news' for me - she has been going through a god almighty hideous divorce but the first thing that came to mind was, "is she pregnant?", which is frankly stupid because she doesn't even have a boyfriend that I'm aware of and divorce proceedings started 3 years ago! I'm so detached from the situation of actually having a baby that I just deal with life now. Being pregnant seems to me something that 'other' people do. I still daydream and have names in mind and think about how we will one day turn the small room in our new house into a nursery but it doesn't feel real. It's the sort of "when I grow up I want to get married and have babies feeling" that you have when you are little but can't do anything about and have no idea what route will get you there. I am married and that was awesome. I love being married. But I want to be a mum now. Enough waiting already. I've been in my relationship for just over 5 and a half years and we've been on this journey for nearly half of that time together. The earliest I could get a BFP is August and that means an April 2013 baby, which means that it will have taken 4 years to get there. And this is at the very earliest I could have a baby. I don't think I will be pregnant until next year, if I'm being completely honest and so I think our baby will arrive in 2014. 5 years to be in the process of having a baby is just too long for anyone to bare - surely? We will have friends with children at school in the time that we have been trying.I can't look to the future and go, "I'm looking forward to being pregnant at Xmas", "I'm going to cancel going on the family skiing holiday in Feb because I may be pregnant", "I'm going to wait to read that book until maternity leave", "I'm going to have a last holiday with my girlfriends because I will be getting pregnant afterwards" I have missed out on so much stuff in the last few years. But I'm not bitter or angry anymore, I almost feel like I don't care. I think I have actually grieved the TTC lark and that it's gone and I'm just focusing on being well. However, I think that I have got to this place in the last couple of months because I am waiting for treatment of some sort and because I now know something is wrong with me. Before Feb I was just plain frustrated because I thought it was just taking longer and didn't know there was something wrong with me. The something wrong (which will probably be unexplainable) has given me a new focus and I don't feel that things are quite so mysterious. I feel like I've got an illness. But an incurable illness that can't be properly explained. So I'm neither positive or down in the complete dumps... as euro would say, I'm just meh.

I'm sorry for the me post. I think that I come across as being a bit flippant on here and perhaps overly jolly with all my messing around (I do like to make people laugh and when not manic like to brush serious things away with humour). I thought I would share my feelings in case anyone thought I was being a bit tough on the outside / not taking this all very seriously recently. Maybe I am these things but maybe that's just to protect a very fragile and scared princess who is worried that her bits will never work properly or worse will have to endure even more miscarriages / traumatic experiences before I do get the baby. BFP isn't really the goal for me. I've had 2 of those before, each bringing hollow hope. It won't be over for me until I hear screaming and count fingers and toes. I'm sad that for me and DH, the BFP is the scariest bit of this process because the misery afterwards is more crushing than anything else.

Oh dear, that was a bit bleak wasn't it. I better go get some lunch before I have a sugar crash and start weeping!

Hi everyone

It has been really interesting reading about how TTC has affected people's lives and I have recognised so much of me in what you have all said. Princess I don't think you come across as not taking this very seriously. The brown diet is surely about as serious as it gets - but I know what you mean about brushing away serious things with humour, I try to do that myself and I do really appreciate the humour on here and the non-TTC-related conversation. It reminds me that we are all far more than our malfunctioning biology. I don?t see it as suggesting that people aren?t feeling the stress.

Euro you summed it up really well. A combination of feeling down, having lots of friends with young kids and getting fed up of always being the non-drinker (why do people assume you're a miserable bastard because you don't want to drink?) often keeps me at home. Wine I avoid family gatherings too, I'm also the only cousin without kids from my lot and Mr A is from a ludicrously massive family where everyone has bred like rabbits and someone will always ask. I was not prepared for the impact this has had on my body image. I hate my body for letting me down and I completely know what you mean about feeling less attractive. I just feel old and ugly and my libido has gone completely AWOL which is hardly helpful for TTC.

Joycep I don't blame you for only just sending your friend a card. I had a run-in with a pg friend when we were about 10 months into our ttc journey and had been sent away by the GP to keep trying. She told me she was pg in a really gushy letter (sent 2nd class!) then rang me two weeks later mightily pissed off and had a go because I hadn't been in touch to congratulate her. I had to explain very carefully that not everyone would receive her news in the same delighted way and that we were struggling. She just said "I didn't think you wanted kids". I don't recall ever discussing that with her. It was a horrible conversation that pretty much broke the friendship. Her daughter must be nearly two now and I have barely heard from her.

I do wonder how much of my woes with TTC are down to other people's attitudes, or my fear of how other people will react. If there was no taboo around infertility and no bitchy articles slagging off women who are 'selfish' and 'leave it too late', or if there wasn't a big social pressure to procreate, would it be easier? Princess I am impressed you are able to be open with people. I have been the opposite but I don't know if it would help me to be more honest. I just don't know how I would even bring the conversation up. I discovered this week that Mr A has been merrily telling his work colleagues our TTC woes and I was upset and embarrassed to think that people I have never met now know such personal information about me. I honestly don't know why this whole situation leaves me feeling ashamed and useless - who had the statistic about 40% of women in our age group not having children? Yes, where are they all?

Sorry for a negative post. I am not feeling great today - last clomid tablet today so is probably messing with my mood. But it is good to talk to people who understand. I can't explain this to Mr A in a way that makes sense. He just doesn't get how it affects me and he thinks I am going overboard with careful diet, not drinking etc. I worry that I am becoming no fun to be around and he will get sick of me and go and impregnate someone else.

Right, I'm putting on one of Wine's decorated tabards to cheer myself up. And I am at CallMeDave

. Would vanilla essence do the trick?

Got the call from the clinic.
It's a BFN

They said it coud be due to hydrosaplinges in my tubes and I may need to have them removed before FET would be attempted. So now I'm back on the waiting list to see the Consultant.

We are devestated. Seeing my DH cry like a small child just now is more that my heart can bare.

Oh Sarlat. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say - huge sympathy to you and your DH. Sending huge hugs, though I know they aren't enough.

Oh Sarlat I'm so sorry, what a shitty outcome. Have you any idea when you might get to see the consultant? I don't know what to say except that I will be thinking of you and your DH. X

Princess I am with you on having a baby feeling like some dreamy "one day I will do XYZ". I almost talk about it in the same kind of way that I talk about what I would do if I win the lottery. I have this really conflicting notion of believing in my heart I might one day get pregnant but feeling at the same time like it is a lost cause. It's really confusing. I also keep getting the urge to abandon all the hospital stuff which I know is mental. The last time we were there I just really wanted to leave. Don't know what that is about at all.
BTW I like the big dollop of humour used to deal with all this. My mum told me off for referring to myself as a barren and I had to explain that it's a light hearted thing and is the only way I can process all this.
I have put so much off too for "when I am pregnant". There were films that I put off watching, craft projects, sorting out the spare bedroom in the old house. It totally put my life on hold.

wine I'm so glad that you bought up feeling less attractive. I have never felt like such a sack. I am honestly incredulous that DH actually wants to SWI. I think that it must be bound up with feeling less like a woman because we can't procreate at will.

artemis I have had "I didn't think you wanted kids" from both my Mum and MIL and for some reason it cut like a knife. I don't know why but I felt really insulted like they think that I am not a natural mother anyway. My MIL actually said that when we got the dogs she became sure we didn't want a family. WTF? To me when people say that it is almost dismissing your pain. I'm not surprised that the friendship you mentioned didn't weather the storm.
TTC has totally ruined our sex life and coloured my attitude to sex. My libido has dropped off the face of the planet and even when we do SWI all I can think about is "will this be the shag that does it?". Worse was shagging after the lap. It was awful because I just kept thinking about being in hospital and what had gone on in my nether regions. I am dreading the thought of having to have sex again.
Reckon vanilla essence would be worth a go. If all else fails it smells nice

joycep I don't think that you can explain all this to somebody who hasn't been there. I couldn't begin to explain how the last 2 years have been the most stressful and upsetting time of my life. I think that people just believe that we are creating a bitter little, narrow existence for ourselves and how we aren't counting our blessings or accepting that some things are mean't to be and all those other horrid little platitudes that people come out with.
I can understand why you haven't returned the call or sent that card yet. I haven't logged onto FB for weeks because I know that a friend on there is due to give birth and I can't handle seeing it splashed all over.

euro I too feel like I have nothing else to talk about other than TTC. It's probably because that is ALL I think about & that is all me and DH seem to "do" whether it be talking about it, SWI or bloody hospital appointments.
Thanks for reassurance about the vinyl. Will bid on ebay and have a bash at laying it.

God I'm a miserable cow, it's just that the last few posts have really resonated.

sarlat I'm so sorry. Have a good cry with your hubby.

And I just opened the door to a courier with my trousers undone
This is on top of closing the bedroom window this morning in the altogether and the bloody net curtain tension rod crashing down & me flashing all the neighbours... fabulous.

Oh sarlet I'm so fed up for you. This game isn't fair. I'm so sorry for you and dh (so hard to see them upset too). Today will feel just horrible but to give you the outside looking in perspective (which I don't think we are good at seeing ourselves) there is still lots and lots of hope for you. You made a good number of eggs, they fertilised nicely. There may well be some nasty fluid getting in the way and this can be addressed. You will get there. Look after yourselves and I am thinking of you.

princess very thoughtful post and I'm hanging out in the land of meh with you. For you and me, not actively trying does numb things a bit I think. In some ways I'm better without the see saw but ttc does feel something like I tried and failed at right now. I think count the journey time in cycles - this makes me feel better! In terms of cycles I've done 16 even though the no of months is a fair bit more. I don't think you are ever flippant. You do a sterling job of keeping us smiling and I know you've had your fair share of ttcshit (new word pronounced t'shit). I have just treated myself to fish oil, what a shopping high! I learnt that shopping involves a lot of walking. I had a wander round h and m for cheap tent dresses, staggered to holland and Barrett and then fell into the car amongst anti bump cushions.

artemis I had a long hard think then. On my other side of the family there are three girl cousins my age without children. Two don't have partners and the other has three dogs and no babies. We aren't sure why and I wouldn't dream of asking. My sil isn't pregnant but has been broody for years, I know they are having problems but I'm not supposed to so can't talk about it. I have two single friends without children and there are three women at work my age without children. I found out one is in the process of adopting but it was via someone else so I can't ask, another is single and another has just started trying. I have another friend who is gay and she is single but would like children. None of mr wines group have started trying (as far as im aware) but they are a bit younger than me (4 girls, all 30). So actually when made to think about it, I know lots of people who don't have children. I tend to edit out single friends, I'm not sure why. Amongst that list I'm sure there are a few problems behind the scenes but they tend to remain unspoken. Oh god, just tot up the potential pregnancy announcements!

Cross post poutingdave it's been rather a thoughtful thread day hasn't it? I will weave magical esteem boosting thread into the tabards.

Am stressing that my last post was thoughtless...and it was. I am shit in a crisis. Sarlat I want to echo what wine has said about holding onto the thought that the doctors can do something about the fluid in your tubes & what was said today was worst case scenario. I am so sorry about how today has panned out for you and how upset you must be. If you need to vent any time, while I'm not the most sensitive person (as I have spectacularly proved ) please feel free to PM me. I am around all day and usually logged in & am happy to chat with you/listen while you have a meltdown/cry/want to scream etc...

sorry on a foreign computer and cant seem to work it, so apologise for the typos now

sarlat im so sorry sweetie super big hugs,

I came on looking for bfps, Im glad everyone had a lovely time at the meet up, dave time to get organising another one, well i am now in Venice wth every other foreigner in world, listening to som dude singing in a gondola past our window, I would say dont give up your day job mate, but that actually is his day job , i have very sunburnt feet wtf and have frunk vino and eaten gelato every day. Shag week is over but think my egg is too pickled, miss you all will log in again soon, waves to everyone

oh there are a few preggy ladies, and lots of prams but mainly school kids, did touch a cute little girl today on the train, tink she had chicken pox poor little thing

teu my money was on poppy with the rights to the paper, I clearly have missed the Dave bit, anyway off to dinner drinking too much

wine glad you are feeling better

Just popped on and saw your news sarlat. I'm so very sorry it hasn't worked. There aren't any words that can help. It is heart wrenching seeing DH cry but it's a good thing that he is. No good comes of keeping feelings in at times like this and you both need to take all the time you need.

I know it won't help today but take heart from the fact that they think there is a reason it hasn't worked and when that is resolved you have lots of lovely frosties waiting for you. Thinking of you x