I remember this day last year I had really bad piles so went to the doctor, and she checked the heartbeat while we were there, she didnt hear it but she said it appeared on her monitor. I just took that as fact, now I think back maybe it was my heartbeat she picked up and Ophelia was already dead. I also saw a lone yellow tulip in the gardens around by the health centre they are the beds I usually worked on at work and I remember thinking how odd to only have one yellow tulip amongst all the other flowers. (now that tulip means so much to me, its Ophelias flower, I have a vase of them on the table at the moment.)
Later I would start bleeding, and I phoned Blakes the maternity call unit for advise, they said there was nothing to worry about as I wasnt cramping or anything. I went to yoga in the evening came back at 7.30pm and by 8 my contractions started only very lightly. DH didnt beleive I was going into labour. I rung maternity bleep and told them I thought I was going into labour and that I was bleeding. The midwife said that I could come in if I wanted but if labour wasnt establishing then they would send me home so maybe I should stay at home untill they were stronger. A couple of hours later they were not stronger but they were closer together about 3 mins, also I felt sick and had been to the loo.
My Dad (who we were living with at the time) took us to the hospital on the way I was sick in the car. We got there about 11pm and with in that hour we found out that Ophelia had died. We were admited to the labour ward, I was bouncing happily on the pregnancy yoga ball, our midwife looked at me thinking I wasnt in labour. She tried to fit the monitor on my bump to find the heart beat, but she couldnt find one, so she brought in a sonographer and machine and thats when the news was broken to us, there she was on the screen, still, no life, no pulse, no movements.
We were moved into a quieter room at the other end of the labour ward, on the way another couple were being admited, I put my tear streaked face into my husbands shoulder I was ashamed I didnt want them to see me.
Within half an hour of us entering the new room, my contractions started to become really painful, the midwife showed me the gas and air and how to use it and from then on, I had my eyes closed. I only had ears for what DH was telling me. He kept saying we can do this, when I shouted out that it was so unfair he told me off, said we have to get through this to focus on the labour and the moment. My waters broke all over the midwife and alittle while later I gave birth. I was told I could have all the drugs I wanted but the labour was too quick I only had one pethidine shot and the gas and air. Our beautiful Ophelia was born at 2.57am she as placed on my belly and I remember DH saying her name to the world Ophelia Bessie Anne. I looked down at her and couldnt beleive it, there she was my little baby, but she wasnt there. She had golden hair, looked like her father.
Its so strange how it seams like yesterday but also that it didnt happen to us, sometimes it really hits you what has happened and sometimes I feel so distant from it all.
We have just been out and bought some champagne, we are going to stay up tonight and at 2.57am we are going to toast to our first baby and also Beanbag and Bungle, we will then light our lanterns and let them be taken by the wind.
We gave our children back to the earth, Ophelia was sent by us to make the world beautiful to dance through the ether. My beautiful golden haired child.