Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Find your sea legs and sail on the seven seas in the BESH Pearl

[HaveALittleFaithBaby]

Argh, and be welcome to our new pirate Fred. Be finding yourself a parrot and a wooden leg and hop on board for the trip of a lifetime. Argh.
If ye be new and wantin' to join our motley crew, be filling in the BESHtionnaire application below. Argh.

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

That's a "c", right there...

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

George Michael. He'd be off the drugs and on the straight and narrow ('scuse pun) if we ever met...

8. Lesbian crush?

9. What are your views on camping?

10. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Finally, tell us how you found the BESH and why you'd like to join us pliz.

Yeah I'd really rather have a baybee than a dog. Less hairy for one thing. Sorry to hear about not getting that pup bugs.
My Dad just visited bless him. It's his birthday, happy birthday to him! He was telling me about his relationship woes- it'
s always been a tad on/off. I was not too mean about her, yay me! Didn't even tell him to break up with her....I think I'm maturing!

Oh my God, I am so cross I can't speak. There had been no shave, but that was only a mild irritation. What has sent me insane with rage is that last night a cat brought in a half dead bird. Apparently AMNH "stroked the bird till it was dead" and then let the cat play with the corpse all round the sitting room. He told me this last night and I held my tongue about the grossness. But I have just walked into the house and there are shit and feathers EVERYWHERE. He "thought he would leave it, seeing as we are having a big tidy tomorrow before friends come for lunch." I have walked out in speechless fury. Am I overreacting? Please someone tell me honestly. How the fuck can anyone think it's normal to have bits of dead bird around the floor for 36 hours without caring about it? I want to cry.

Though even in my rage I can still marvel at bugs's pertness, to be able to be braless and not notice.

I am incandescent. "We were going to have a hoover tomorrow anyway." What the fuck? I want to turn round and go straight back to London. I sure as hell don't want to skip round doing loving cleaning with kisses and cuddles in between tasks, and then smile sweetly at guests tomorrow.

Ew norf did you feel a bit sick? Nope, that's disgusting!
Also impressed by bugs' ability to walk.dog without buzzwams strapped down. Especially if Droid is lurking. I'm having to sleep with mine in a supportive vest!
I'm frigging freezing but the boiler is on the top floor and I'm on the ground...cba to climb the stairs....come on faith, get your arse in gear!

I can't believe I was heading home looking forward to a nice reunion shag and cuddle. It's like he's a different species sometimes.

Sorry - this is all mememememe. I just need 10 minutes of supportive outrage and help to find a way to make myself have sex with him (CD14, irritatingly). And then I'll be fine.

I didn't shout. He met me at station and warned me there were a couple of feathers. I walked into the house, looked, said that I was going out till it was sorted. And now I am lurking in caffe nero till I feel able to look at him without screaming.

He must have sat there all night, surrounded by dismembered feathery crap. Then stepped over it and gone to bed. I actually want to leave him.

OMG norf I am not sure I would be able to ever do the sechsing after coming home to dismembered bird in your living room. Being memememe and hiding in a café are absolutely necessary. Maybe try telling him exactly how you feel when he calls to let you know the coast is clear (although only if you don't want to do the sechsing, as it may well be off the cards after that).

faith I would just put on another jumper! Walking that number of stairs...

Oh Norf, that is crap! Men are a different species at times.

On the attempt at diffedness, would angry sex work for you?! That way no need to forgive him!

Either that or gag him, tie him to the bed, do your thing, then leave him there for a few hours

Owning cats, I like to think I am reasonably sanguine about dead prey. But that just means I crack on with disposing of it and cleaning up. Not that I just live alongside it for days.

He has texted to say he has cleared up. I am nowhere near ready to look at him (well, not without braining him), so am just staying put here. Have got a driving lesson in an hour and a bit. Will have to see if I can cope with going home first, or if I will just go straight into the car and sob all over my poor instructor

Angry sex sometimes works. But I had been looking forwards to loving sex, so feel a bit sad about not having that.

Also, I am SO angry that it might not be restrained enough to avoid doing actual physical damage to him.

I managed to clamber the stairs and put the heating on! Even getting another layer would be one flight. I miss my bungalow! With it's combi boiler so it's never too or too cold. Can't wait to go home!
norf I get where you're coming from. The house was pretty grim when I got out of hospital but at least he had the excuse of balancing work/visiting me. I've still had to clean all 3 loos since I've been back 'they're not that bad', after 2 weeks. Yes they really are. You need to tell him to pull his finger out and clean it up!
bugs I'm not too.excited cos I'm like this a lot when Droid is expected. Not been taking the folic acid though! Which I assumed accounted for phantom pregnancy symptoms. No spotting yet which I'd usually get by now. And I feel sick a lot and have puked a couple of times this week. But like I say, I dunno when I laid my egg - if it was late due to me being ill, I've no chance of being diffed but will get a late Droid just to fuel the menkul

I'm sorry, I'm calming down now. Well, moving from rage to disappointment, at any rate.

Poor freezing faithy. Are you still snuggled on sofa? I think you need a permanent pile of blankets there while you are poorly, so you can sort your temperature without having to move too much.

norfy you are not overreacting. That is horribly grim.