IVF/ICSI/FET - any more for any more?

[jumpingjackhash]

Hi all, we're about to start FET following an unsuccessful round of ICSI last year (well, we got the bfp, but then I miscarried shortly after ). But... time to get back on the bike and go again...

Anyone else going through this?

Hi ladies! Hope you don't mind me popping in. I'm a bit of a lurker on this thread! Just wanted to pop in cos angel I think I'm a cycle buddy with you! I'm doing a round of mild ivf and started stimming at about the same time as you. Had EC on mon - they got 12 eggs of which 5 fertilised with icsi. By day 3, only 2 had survived, so we had these popped back in on thurs. I've been feeling a bit rubbish - had some bad bleeding after EC, which caused some ruptures- but no more bleeding now, phew! Anyway, just wanted to pop in and share my story with you.

Hi to all you other lovely ladies. You've all been through so much. Hope those testing are ok x

Care m sure the clots are perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. When my last my last IVF failed I passed a lot of rubbery clots when AF arrived.

Josie How are you doing today?

Ellan Really glad to hear things are going well for you. We need a few more positive stories like yours

Angel Really glad to hear that your embryo survived the night and was transferred safely. Good luck for the 2ww!

PP44 Welcome to the thread!

Zeebee Fingers crossed for you. In my cycle where I got a BFP, I had a lot of lower abdominal cramping four to five days after a day five transfer - so it's sounding promising.

Duggs Really thrilled to read your news. Let's hope it's a sticky one settling in for an uneventful 9 months!

Welcome to Ginsoaked and Expat. So sorry to read of your loss last year, Expat.

Raspberry So sorry to hear you're feeling numb. I'm still feeling pretty low and am struggling to motivate myself at all.

Has anybody else been suffering from anxiety at all. I discussed with the counsellor last week, but feel awful as couldn't face going away at Easter to spend it with DH's family. Had massive panic attack on the morning that we were supposed to go and in the end he went without me. I had a miserable Easter on my own. I feel really bad. DH has two sisters with absolutely perfect lives. Both Oxbridge degrees, both fab jobs and earn well, both have husbands who have good jobs. Both have beautiful homes and two perfect children each. I know I must feel like a completely cow, but spending Easter with them (especially as one always delights in telling me off over how we can't - in her opinion - control our dog ) I couldn't bear to spend the weekend feeling like a complete f*ing failure . And now I feel worse for being so selfish and not just smiling and getting on with things.

And then, to top things off, one of my members of staff told me she was pregnant yesterday - 12 weeks and she's having the perfect pregnancy. Very professionally I burst in to tears in front of her and then had to tell her about all my failed IVF so she understood that I really was happy about it. Now I've got to sort doing a risk assessment on her and all the maternity stuff and I really can't bear it. And I'm dreading the Board deciding that I have to cover her post in her absence - I can't. I've got a stressful enough job as it is and I can't take any more on.

Sorry for me, me, me again just feeling totally and utterly shit and fedup with everything

omg knackered you have my life! My B and SIL are exactly as you describe above, plus they started ttc just before we did and now have 2 adorable dc's. B keeps ringing me to go and spend a weekend with them and i keep putting them off as can't face a weekend of going 'wow how amazing' all weekend. Feel a bit sh**ty about it too.

Ever since my teen years i've had regular bouts of feeling really low. Things like not wanting to leave the house all weekend for weeks and weeks, binge eating and then purging, just struggling to keep peace of mind if that makes sense. For me its a bit like putting on weight - if i'm not careful it builds up and up and i need to do the equivalent of going to the gym regularly to get back on an even keel.

I've been feeling a bit crap this last week so this do what i say and not what i do, but these are the things that help me get back on track mentally: Exercising (and when i really really don't feel like it i tell myself i can just do 5 minutes and then stop. as soon as i've started i always want to keep going), fresh air (and again when i really don't feel like it i just tell myself to walk to the shops and back), sleep (i find getting up at exactly the same time every day helps me fall asleep on time), meditating (like the zita one, but non ttc related - jon kabat-zinn mindfulness is the best i think, the body scan meditation - it just helps me 'let go' and makes everything seem better somehow), taking baths and reading books. oh and just going 'fuck it' and having a whole bottle of wine and shit loads of chocolate! (feels worse the next day though eh). Oh god, i so need to do some of the above! i feel a fat, massive failure too today! i find when i feel bad i don't want to do any of the things that will make me feel better, i have to try and trick myself into it. Anyway hope some of that makes sense. You're so not alone in feeling the way you do. With all this bleeding this week its totally freaked me out and made just think can i really keep doing this to my body. DH wants to keep going unlimited and i am really worried we'll reach a point where i want to stop and he doesn't.

Can't you delegate the maternity stuff to someone else? I had something at work related to ivf come up the other week and i just totally delegated it - probably not very smoothly but i don't care, still beat having to do it myself.

Care - yep, I have a history of low mood too! So I know exactly what you mean.

And yes feel exacthly the same about avoiding having to spend weekends with them. I think after the Easter weekend my PiL are beginning to realise how I might actually feel, and DH says they were quite understanding. They are coming to see us alone later this month so I don't have to deal with the rest of the family too.

DH got me a Wii FitPlus so I've taken up Yoga again, which is helping somewhat.

I've been really down about my weight too. I've put on 2 stone over the 2.5 years we've been ttc. BMI has gone from 23 to 27. I've gone from a 10/12 to a 14 so none of my clothes fit anymore. Arrgghhh. I really need to do something about it, but feel so fedup most of the time I comfort myself with food, or DH and I console ourselves by eating out a LOT.

I might be able to delegate dealing with the maternity stuff, so that's a really good idea. Thank you. I think one of my colleagues would be happy to do the risk assessment, and our finance manager would probably be OK to sort the mat forms etc as she does the SSP claims anyway.

delegating is always a good 'development opportunity'!

I've put on at least half a stone in the last 6 weeks through this ivf cycle. It just compounds everything doesn't it. I always seem to have weight issues whenever i feel out of control with something.

the yoga and wifit sound like a great plan, and probably a good laugh whilst you're getting fit

Care and Knackered - I can totally see what you mean about highs and lows, overeating feeling fat and frumpy and unsexy and badtempered and wanting to shut out the world at times. Feeling overwhelmed in general and yet having this awful sense of loss and grief.
Bubble baths help me and sometimes a book with it if my energy is not to bad.
I've been snappy with DH who is snapping back at me now too - I don't think even he knows how awful this rollercoaster makes you feel and how crappy you feel with the lows. I started writing down my feelings late last night and it was the only way i really felt I could communicate and also a really helpful passage of writing on the resolve website about secondary infertility.
Told my family today too which has helped getting things out but I still feel it was easier not to tell them when I was doing the cycle this time.

Found some really useful resouces on the web too in my search to feel a bit better. and you know what - all of this stuff an the way we are reacting is totally NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- even though it feels like you are having an out of body and mind experience.
I found a site www.stressfreeinfertilityblog.com which I thought was great and really helpful

I don't think you need to feel bad that you have said you don't want to spend time with some relatives at the moment Knackered- you have had a terrible loss and are grieving - do what you need to get through somehow. So shit about your work situation and colleague's pregnancy too - it is bloody hard. Delegate as much as you can - if you were going through a bereavement loss it wouldn't even be questioned. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself from hurt and unnecessary stress.

Sorry you are feeling shitty too Care - I am also going though an alcohol and chocolate binge - I think though I am slowly going to eat a bit better tomorrow as it is just turning that corner a little that raises your energy and mood - and I have put on quite a bit of weight too - well quite a lot.
I must be so great to be married too - grumpy/snappy/tearful/flabby!!!!!!!!

We'll get through this one one day at a time for now - I need you to hang in there with me!!!!!!!xxxxxx

Knackered - meant to say - yes have had a lot of anxiety interspersed with it all - well who wouldn't when to look forward is so difficult at the moment.
Also - other option is to take your lovely dog to your SILs house - some nice muddy paw marks wouldn't go amiss -and smile sweetly that you are sorry..............................................

sorry old english teacher - too tired to spell check my to or toos

Quick post as on phone. Test was negative. We're absolutely devastated. Debating our next move now. Will update properly on tuesday

Josie hugs so very sad for your devastating bfn. Take time to be together grieve together then when ready make plans. Knackeredmum care and raspberry this life we are following is tough hugs

Josie so sorry thinking of you lovely.

Going to ignore my hangover and drag myself off for bike ride today.

Where is our team leader jumping
??

Morning all
josie I was so sorry to read your post. You must be devastated. I was thinking about you since your test day and willing you to succeed. Very sad.
What will your next step be - was this your first round?

care so sorry you are feeling under the weather- sounds very unpleasant all that bleeding - glad you are Going to go bike riding today - sounds like a good way to clear your head and release some endomorpines at the same time.

knackered so sorry you had such a rubbish Easter. Sometimes we need to get to our lowest point to realise we have to change something in our lives - obviously that would be to have a child in all our cases, but if that is getting delayed maybe something else needs to change in the meantime that means spirits are lifted more. For me I changed my attitude to work after my first MC- it did help me see the wood for the trees and not be so stressed all the time. I also took up having acupuncture which helps me to relax. Also, I always find booking a holiday a great way to focus on something that is good in the future!
It's just so hard being surrounded by friends and family with babies coming out of their ears- I find I am less social these days - just want to stay in at weekends rather than visit people with kids. Can't do that to DH forever tho - he loves socialising and so I do tend to send him off without me sometimes - altho I feel bad then that I'm not around for DH - he is my rock and is the most supportive person I could have ever married. I have got a friend who went thru 9 cycles of IVF on her own - no DP - just don't know how she did it- she finally had a little girl last year with donor sperm and she is so happy now.
Phew! Sunday morning post extreme... You can tell I'm putting off starting my work! Afm - 6 more days of the 2ww left - feel fine - bit of pulling on the right hand side from time to time, trying not to dwell. Boobs a bit tender buT nothing more than they are pre AF. I hate the signs/no signs!
Have good days everyone else
Zb

Raspberry Thank you for lovely post. It's comforting to know that what I am feeling is normal - and I'm not the only person in the world to have put weight on. I find it really fascinating when I read some of the threads on conception that so many of the women seem to be perfect. But perhaps it's easy to be angelic and pious when you've only been ttc for about two months! God that that makes me sound like an awful person.

I'm finding that after two failed IVF attempts, a failed FET, a salpingectomy and 2.5 years ttc I am eating crap and drinking far too much . Got through a bottle of red on Friday night and had a raging hangover yesterday and achieved nothing. That warm rioja glow just took the edge of how I was feeling. BUT then the guilt sets in. Arrgghh. And I know I shouldn't drink between cycles. Just feeling really low.

Josie I am so sorry to read it wasn't successful. However, what I would say is that you had IUI and it can take a good few attempts to get up the duff using it. If they managed to get you to ovulate, then that's fantastic. As IUI is more like natural conception than IVF implantation rates will be similar. That BBC series last year about he human body suggested that 50% of natural conceptions fail to implant. One of my close friends went through 4 failed rounds of IUI with her husband (male factor infertility). They progressed to two failed rounds of IVF, but she was very ill with OHSS, and her husband's sperm had lots of genetic damage - the few embryos they got were very poor quality. She felt she couldn't go on with IVF and so they opted to use a sperm donor. It took three attempts at IUI with donor before she got her BFP. I know it's difficult, but it was your very first attempt. It must be devastating for you, but if you are able, do try to take some positives from this.

CareBear How was the bike ride?

Zeebee Some really good advice there - thank you. Feeling for you on the 2ww.

Where's "jumping" got to?

Hi everyone, thank you all for your lovely messages. I'm ok. Gutted as you would expect, but life goes on. As I'm on NHS, I only have 2 goes left, so I've made an appt to speak to the doctor about our next move. I don't know if I can try again twice with my eggs, then move on to donor eggs, or if my two attempts includes donor eggs, in which case our odds are better with a donor, there's just the matter of the wait to consider. But I'll discuss all of that with the doctor. I know I said I didn't think I could do it again, but if it turns out we can have two more goes before we consider donor eggs, I'll do it. I'm wary of just doing the same protocl again though, it would make sense that the same thing vould happen, so I'm going to speak to another nearby clinic to see if they would offer anything different, as the one I'm at won't budge on changing stims to try and get a better response.

It's just so scary to think that we might only have 2 chances left of having a baby, I want to make sure I give us the best possible chance, and if that means taking a donor egg then so be it

Josie The PCT I'm with funds IUI and IVF very differently, due to the fact there is quite a cost differential. Do you know if they were still using your IVF cycle funding (as that's what you started on), or reverted to funding you as an IUI patient (fairer as you never went through the costly parts of IVF - egg collection, the embryology costs and embryo transfer costs). It might be worth checking where you are.

My PCT funds up to 6 IUI cycles (although my clinic tends to move to IVF after four failed cycles of IUI). They fund one IVF (although not sure whether they fund the cost of donor eggs) and one FET if there are any embryos left over. Yours will do their own thing, but I would definitely ask your clinic exactly what funding you have used.

If they've used IUI funding you may end up being pleasantly surprised....

By the way, definitely worth talking to another clinic about whether you'd do better on the short antagonist protocol.

Josie I'm very impressed with your level headed approach to what's next, I'm sure its that attitude that will get you there in the end. Knackered makes some great points about checking out your funding.

was out on bikes all day in the wind and sun, across the countryside away from the world - now have very tired limbs and a mind too tired to worry. think will sleep well tonight. x

Oh no Josie - so devastating for you . Two more chances though is great - it's probably a bit hard to get your head round at the moment. Agree with Knackered re asking about short protocol - perhaps they will suggest that to you in any case. It is just so difficult to get your hopes lifted and then dropped again.

AFM I think I'm still feeling the after effects of all the drugs. I am a complete nightmare to be around and am swinging still from tearfulness to anxiety to anger now. I flew into a rage this evening when i lost a list of things I needed to do - partly because feeling so overwhelmed with untamed clutter, mail and general stuff. It is like the worst PMT feeling ever...............

You ladies make me smile... It's such a relief to learn that I am not the only one who would rather stay behind closed doors, amongst home comforts and another chocolate/biscuit with each cup of tea recently.
I too had to face the ILs over Easter and marvel at my SILs 8wk scan photo
I was dreading the whole weekend, couldn't stand the possibility of staying over, so we made our excuses, but, if I am honest, it never ends up being as bad as I make it out to be in my head. Just a lot of smiling and pretence laughter at a time when I don't feel like getting dressed let alone rub someone else's ego!
Our families don't know that we're trying for a baby and certainly have no idea how much hardship we've encountered... So I can excuse their jibes at me for not working these past few months, even though it's a very sensitive topic in our household . But I can't help feeling a little cheesed that my BIL & SIL were able to continue drinking and smoking heavily until they fell pg and then went on a long haul holiday to scuba dive at just 4wks!! I mean, come on........ seriously, where's the fairness?! DH and I have not touched alcohol for so long that I just forgot how to spell it, and can't remember our last night out that didn't include the cinema and an early night! Oh anyway.... sod it.
I'm happy in my pjs, watching This Morning, whilst reading this thread!
And whilst I am craving to exercise, clean my bathroom and change my bed linen, I have to accept that my arse will continue to spread until our cherub is finally here

Josie I am so sorry that your IUI didn't work this time. Your attitude towards your next steps is encouraging though. A short protocol or stronger stims just might be the solution for you and getting another opinion is only going to give you more confidence. I wish you all the best in getting the answers you need x

Welcome Gin ((does a little a dance to meet a cycle buddy!))
How are you coping with the 2ww?

Raspberry your emotions/hormones are normal and just settling down from a huge boost, which as much as we don't like to admit, is just not natural, and I'm sure your DH understands. Mine knows that as we approach bedtime I'll get more cranky or irritable, which makes me laugh when he acknowledges it, as it lets me know that he knows it isn't really me. If that makes sense.
Scream, shout, cry, stomp your feet, and run around the house with your tongue hanging out , it's only temporary after all x

angel god that sounds like a hideous Easter -you are so brave for not screaming in front of everyone
How is your 2ww going? What date do u test?
Today I'm at work on a film set and surrounded by lovely ladies my own age - some older and none of them preggers or with children - BLIsS!
Happpy Monday's to everyone on here

Hey Zeebee, my two week wait is going ok thank you. I have been entertaining myself with Youtube videos on embryonic development and have come cross this guy today [ Link]. He is a French Cardiac specialist but describes the embryo development to give insight into how the heart is first formed - fascinating. But make sure you select the 'en' and not the 'fr' unless you're fluent French.
I was supposed to test (urine) on 30th April but as DH is going away we were offered to test (blood) on 24th instead, which shaves a fair few days off the wait for us - Thank God!
I am 6dpo so hoping Bur is getting ready to sink snuggly into my lining anytime now.
When do you test? Friday?
It's so hard not the symptom spot... But what you're experiencing sounds promising. Finger's crossed x
Oh and film set? Sounds very glamourous!

Has anyone suffered side effects to the progesterone pessaries, Cyclogest? My boobs are swollen, but that's nothing unusual for me, but what I'm concerned with is my lady parts (sorry if tmi) are sore too. Can't help but think it may be due to pessaries when they make their way back out?? Again, sorry if tmi but any advice would put my mind at ease

Oh poo... Try this instead

Ooh thanks angel will take a look at that tonite when I am back! I am supposed to test on Saturday but toying with the idea if testing Friday (11dpo) hummmmm
Pessaries yes my lady parts are a bit sore too. Do have slight niggles lower right hand side - also felt a bit fainty in sainsburys yesterday- but that might have just been the horrificness if being there on a Sunday
Film set = an ex barracks somewhere off the A40 - currently sitting on my bum on a cold stone floor = UN glamorous!

Hi everyone. Knackered thanks for your info, it's really helpful. I think the clinic still funded it as IVF because when we changed to IUI I asked if this still counted as IVF and the nurse said yes. I've got an appt to speak to the doctor in a couple of week's time though so I can discuss everything with them then, although I wish it was sooner, and I wish it wasn't on my birthday, but hey ho. Feeling a bit sorry for myself today - my friend posted a pic on fb of her 31 week bump,I 'm so jealous it hurts. I'm so tired of fighting this, it's been going on for nearly two years now, which I appreciate probably isn't as long as most people, but it's so hard. I just wish someone could say - if you try again it'll work, or don't bother trying again, it'll never work (which at the minute I feel is the truth) Anyway, enough moping, tomorrow is another day

Hmmm, the website for the other clinic says they offer a personalised service, and that their waiting list for donors is approximately 8 weeks!!! That's perked me up a bit Honestly, if you told me to wait for 8 weeks for something I'd go mad, but it seems like nothing compared to how long it's taken so far, I'm definitely going to call them tomorrow, and the fact they offer a personalised service, they might just do different IVF protocols, fingers crossed!!!!

Well, the other clinic offer short protocol and use a higher dose of stims! So I'm off to my GP in the morning to get a referral to the other clinic asap. The nurse was really lovely. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic now, it's probably the best news we've had for a long time. She says we could be on our next cycle before June!!