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Conception

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Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling or settle yourself down in our padded cell. All welcome! (Part 19)

999 replies

Poppyjen · 08/12/2011 23:03

Another new thread for some more serious metalling - we really are a chatty lot!

Here's to making it through the WTF cycle(s), metalling* like a teenager from the early '90s in the 2WW, BFP colds and other classic symptom spotting and hiding in the (nice and comfy) padded cell post BFP Grin

If you have miscarried and are ready to TTC again, come and join us!

  • For those currently wondering what our mosh pit antics have to do with ttc post MC, a fabulous typo in an earlier thread resulted in "mentalling" becoming known as "Metalling" - a far more fitting expression I am sure you will agree!

Welcome!

OP posts:
MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 15:10

I'm back, just... processing what was said, a bit. It's taking a bit of time to get my head around it.

Mini-toe was a little boy.

He died as a result of an overwhelming infection, most likely as a result of PPROM. The infection (staph aureus) is part of normal flora of the human body. Nothing we did or didn't do.

The PPROM was likely caused by a poor placental siting, causing a gradual placental abruption and spontaneous abortion (the PPROM counts as my body beginning the process even if the labour was induced). This could not be seen on a scan unless a large clot had formed, which apparently it did not.

The poor placental siting is likely a result of my bicornuate uterus. This puts me at higher risk of early miscarriage, late miscarriage and premature labour, but it is positive that I already have DD.

With regards to my current pregnancy, my consultant would like me under her care and closer supervision - she proposed we do swabs to look for infection in the next few weeks and offered me a dating scan. I said I'd really like to see what's going on as soon as possible to prepare ourselves depending on where this baby has decided to implant.

She sneaked me into an empty scan room and we had a look see. Grin Not before I had a small panic attack about what if it's bad news how can I cope with that today.

It wasn't bad news, we have 63mm of baby in there with a beating heart, sited on the fundus as far as they can tell - the tilt on my uterus gives a bad picture of the structure unfortunately but they will look again at the siting in a few weeks.

I will now have scans pretty frequently to check placental function and growth - next at 12 weeks, then 16, 20, 28 and 34 weeks, if I get to all or any of those.

The consultant was pregnant too and wearing dungarees!

I didn't think I'd actually get a scan and was wearing fishnets, a skirt and a belt with lots of buckles I call my kinky belt Blush Anyone had a scan in fishnets before? Grin

So ... nothing wrong with my babies, but more chance than most of not making it full term - nothing much to be done, but keep a close eye.

I feel pretty drained, too many conflicting emotions.

MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 15:11

Oh and I went to the bakery and bought those huge kind of chocolate cookies

farfallarocks · 26/01/2012 15:30

Oh coffee I am so glad that you have some answers, a nice consultant who will keep an eye on you and a lovely beating heartbeat.

It must be hard to process everything and I don;t know if this is the news you were hoping for or not but just wanted to give you a squeeze and really hope that this pregnancy is straight forward and lovely.

MandaHugNKiss · 26/01/2012 15:41

Just... missC.

As you say, you've got some emotions to work through be that on your own or posting here. Thank you so much for coming to update us - you know how it is when we're all waiting around thinking of 'one of us' Smile

And that's better, leedy Grin Good choice! I should warm this up and have some cream on it too... with a cup of tea. Although... from your handbag? I hope it's not like my dearly departed Nan's handbag - massive, with lots of detrius in the bottom two inches that may or may not contain 'edible' food!

leedy · 26/01/2012 16:20

[surreptitiously wipes bits of fluff off brownies]

And hugs from here to coffee, it sounds like a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, but glad that you got some information and a nice dungareed consultant - and a heartbeat!

MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 16:29

Yes, a heartbeat is good. I've never had a scan at this point before so it was new to me. Am I right in thinking it looks like a tiny baby seahorse at this stage?

At least there's only one. One is good!

NoMoreMarbles · 26/01/2012 16:31

missC thanx for popping back to us Sadfor your boySad it is however, lovely that your consultant is taking good care of you and you saw the heartbeat of this lovely bean growing awaySmile
maja sorry for the BFNSad

Nowt new here except nausea and migraines have joined the symptom listHmm great...

Moominsarescary · 26/01/2012 17:16

MsC glad you got some answers and fingers crossed little seahorse baby ( i always thought the same) has implanted in a good place, glad your consultant sounds like a good one, even if she has odd fashion sense

MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 17:41

Well, we've told DD for better or worse - she was totally insistent that I had a baby in my tummy and I really hate lying to her. She knows babies die (her first comment was 'well I hope it doesn't die this time') and I've told her it's in there, we hope it can come and live with us when it's born, but it might not be able to. Of course it's far too early to tell her, but she knew already. She dragged me down the baby aisle in the supermarket yesterday and wanted to buy nappies Confused. It felt much better to be honest with the poor kid Blush - especially as if I have to go into hospital again for MC related things she'll figure out why I'm there - it was easy enough to hide mini-toe from her but she's a seasoned baby-spotter these days and knows all the words we bandy around - like 'midwife' for example.....

She now knows she had a brother too. Which is nice.

She has declared the baby to look like a baby dinosaur, asked me if I can feel it moving yet, and decided that she would like to feed it when it is born, so I should put some of my boobie milk in a bottle (BF vs FF so young Grin) Also she declared she will be in charge of wee nappies but she's not changing a poo Grin

I have to let her have some hope. The consultant says this one has a 'good chance', so let's stick with that.

manda my handbag is like that Blush must clean it. It's mainly upended snacks for DD. Though the cookies are laid on the top of my purse in their own bag, so hopefully they'll be okay!

maja sorry for the BFN :( Where do you think AF has got to?

NoMoreMarbles · 26/01/2012 18:33

missC its lovely that you are being so open with your DDSmile i feel the same when it comes to my DD (except she cant hold her own water so if DD knows everyone doesSmile) how old is your DD? she sounds lovelySmile
how are you feeling after today? still processing things? {{{hugs}}}

TheLittleFriend · 26/01/2012 20:36

I'm glad you've had good news about your pregnancy MissC, it must have made today a little easier to know your little baby dinosaur is in there happily heart-beating away! And, although I have no experience of your situation, it looks like the answers you got about the loss of your ds will be able to ensure the specialists can do everything to make sure this one goes ok. Best of luck to you x

newtonupontheheath · 26/01/2012 21:13

coffee thank you for sharing you story with us. I can't imagine how you must feel, but I am wishing you a peaceful nights sleep tonight. Sometimes answers in general are better than wonderings and what ifs. It's good news to hear that they are going to take extra special care of you and your little seahorse Smile Your DD sounds adorable, I hope you shared your cookies with her!!

MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 21:26

Blimey TheLittleFriend you're the first person to say my DS. Looks very odd.

I have a DD and an angel DS. Shock

DD is 5, newton and very funny. She chose a doughnut though.

madaboutmadmen · 26/01/2012 21:46

i like Dinobaby Wink

Moominsarescary · 26/01/2012 22:14

I think they both sound good, maybe dinobaby if that's how your dd sees it

Af has arrived so I'm out this month

MissCoffeeNWine · 26/01/2012 22:15

I'm sorry moomins :(

Thank you everyone for your support. Here's to babies all round in 2012.

InsomniaQueen · 27/01/2012 08:28

Morning all,

Well I had my GTT yesterday and spent the rest of the day feeling like hell. I was expecting the results quite quickly (after all this is the well being of a baby) only to be told it will take a week......was utterly furious. A friend got hers back the same day from her hospital - can't believe that I've spent nearly 2 weeks of sleepless nights and worrying only to be told that I have another one to go.

Between worrying about this and suffering from so much pain I just feel really sad - not about the baby because despite everything she is doing well. Although I'm all prepared for her, in a practical sense, I don't feel attached to her - like I'm an incubator and not a mother. At the start I tried to stay detached because of worrying over mc then the hernia complications made it look like there wasn't going to be a baby so I suppose i just stayed a bit distant. Now that I'm nearly there I feel like she is going to be born and look at me like "you didn't love me while I was in there".......I know it's irrational but I just can't help it. I told DH and he thinks I'm mad and is sure I will have the rush of love everyone has when they have a baby - I'm scared that I've been worrying so long I just won't feel anything but relief that she was born. I feel that my falling apart body is an indicator of my ability to mother and as it gets worse the more I think I'm not going to be any good at this. God I feel like I'm going mental!!!

Sorry for the me me me girls - I just desperately needed to get that out and don't really have many people who understand in RL......ok onto all of you!!!!

So sorry things have gone this way Jaffa it really is just crappy all the way round. Limbo is a hideous place to be so I'm sending you some Thanks and a massive hug from here!!!!

misscoffee what a mixed bag of emotions for you yesterday - it is unbelievably sad to know why now but i suppose knowing will help them look after you this time and allow you to bring this little one home!! Xxx as for your DD she sounds very sensible for her 5 years and incredibly lovely - my vote is for Dinobaby.

Sorry about your continued bfn maja and sorry the terrible AF got you moomins!!!

Right must get sorted for work - really can't be arsed though.......thinking of getting pancakes and sausage meal on my way in - any other orders???

Big hugs and kisses to all - thank god it's Friday!!! Xxxx

MissCoffeeNWine · 27/01/2012 09:42

IQ We don't all have a rush of love when we have a baby. Just like we're not all ecstatic with a BFP and we don't all fall in love with our partners at first sight.

Sometimes it's like 'hello, I know you' and then all of a sudden you can't remember a time when your baby hasn't been in your world. Somehow you just know them, no rush of love, just like they've always been here. Sometimes it's a fascination - 'Ohmigod look what we made' and sometimes the moment is all too much and it's a 'oh yes, very nice, please someone put the kettle on'. Relief is a perfectly acceptable emotion to have.

All are okay and no reflection or judgement on you as a mother. Nor will the first few seconds somehow imprint on the baby. There's a lot of stuff said about bonding, but it's not a make or break moment, and a lot of it is VERY physiological/hormonal and outside of your control.

Mini-IQ already knows you and your movement and the sound of your voice and she feels the way you feel. She's part of you and continues to be part of you for a long time after birth - technically all human babies are born prematurely as in order for them to be as developed as their mammal cousins at birth we would need to gestate for 18 months and the human upright skeleton does not allow for that. Hence our tiny helpless infants, unable to do a thing for themselves, with poor eyesight and undeveloped digestive systems. Lots of medical professionals think in terms of a 'fourth trimester' of development outside the womb, and this is really the time to get to know your baby and form the bond that your require to get through life. It might help you to think f the first three months as that time to keep her as close as possible and form that bond that lasts for life. Mini-IQ wont' come into the world with her judgypants on. All she knows so far is you, you are her world, and she will love you forever. She will know arms that hold her and suckling and your sounds and soft cloth and new sights and cold wipes and tummy ache. She won't be sitting in judgement!

When DD was born, she was amazing, yes. Surreal may be the word, especially as I had her at home and then everyone went and we were on our own and I'd never changed a nappy before - we weren't 'ready' for her either, just had a few basic things. I think I probably got more joy jumping on the bed a few hours later and laying on my front than I did when she was actually born. I was relieved, I was tired, I was busy with all the visitors and general comings and goings, DP was detached after getting scared when I was in labour and the whole thing was distinctly underwhelming. We don't even have any brand new pictures or a single picture of the three of us together.

I'd say it took me until she was about six months to say I had a bond with her, and then I'd say it took me until she was about 14 months to have what I would describe as the protective instinct. These days I'm practiced at it, I see the danger before it comes, I catch the ball before it hits her, I right the cup before it spills, I see the normal trajectory of the car alongside us but I also see the small adjustments in it course that means it's veering towards my girl and there wouldn't be a single hesitation in jumping between it and her. I see it all in advance so I can protect her when it comes. It's just part of it, I don't think about it, I'm just aware.

When she wakes in the night even at the age of 5 and even just to mumble something in her sleep, I'm down the hall but I hear her instantly, I'm awake totally, and my body sees fit to release a shot of adrenaline round me just in case I need to fight off a wolf, or something. Most of the time I don't even need to get out of bed, so this is annoying.

What I mean is, it'll come, and not always in the ways you expect. Even if there isn't a flash of love one day she'll run to you when she falls over and you'l realise you're there, anyway, in a much more gradual process. Akin to suddenly realising you're in love with your best friend, rather than the tall dark and handsome stranger brooding at you from the other side of the room. Both happen, both are okay, both have lots to do with hormones - but both are okay. And it's better to be honest and overwhelmed than silent and worrying.

leedy · 27/01/2012 10:21

Awwwww, coffee, that's a gorgeous post. And sounds like your experience bonding with your DD is very like my experience with my DS.

pebspop · 27/01/2012 10:24

that was a nice post missc!

glad everything went ok for you yesterday. hope everything works out with dinobaby. it's hard to believe it will sometimes though isn't it.

i had some ewcm last night on cd 12. normal, you say?? yes but i don't usually see any until cd 18. i did my first ever opk this morning but no smiley face for me so not sure whats going on. will continue doing my opks every day until i see the smiley face. i wasn't planning to start them until monday so i hope i don't run out and have to buy more - they aren't cheap!

leedy · 27/01/2012 12:56

I never found the OPKs much use myself (dunno if I was using them wrong, or something - how hard can POAS be?), always found the EWCM and temperature a much better guide.

Moominsarescary · 27/01/2012 13:29

Lovely post iQ I realy hate all the mn doom and gloom threads that if your baby doesn't have skin to skin straight away and if they don't suckle from the breast minutes after birth their social development and ability to bond will be harmed forever, bonding and social development evolve after birth and beyond

Though I'm probably abit touchy because I didn't see ds3 apart from for 10 mins for the first 24 hours and couldn't pick him up for two days

IQ we always got them back the same day too, I wonder why things differ so much between hospitals, must be a money thing. I'd be furious too

I'm not realy surprised that af got me, there has been very little swi going on here with all the teething and bugs going round

Fingers crossed pebs for a smily face soon

MandaHugNKiss · 27/01/2012 15:04

pebs I only ever used cheapy IC OPKS and thery worked just fine - but I know a few women who would not trust them entirely so would wait until they thought the cheapy IC OPK was positive before cracking out the expensive digis for a smiley face. That said, if both you and Dh are able/up for it you should just have sex any day you see EWCM - it's the most fertile CM, ideal for transporting sperm where it generally needs to be and then it lives inside you waiting for the egg.

Also bear in mind that many women find that not only do the b vits lengthen lp but can bring forward O by a few days if you're usually a 'later o' so it's possible you're going to O earlier than usual.

Bottom line? Get DH in bed, woman! Grin

Lovely post, missC - I've always fallen head over heels for my babies the moment they emerge and wrap myself up in them for months, marvelling at how amazing they are (even DS2 who screamed A LOT and was attached to my boob for any time that he wasn't... not much sleep going on for a long time, there) but I know not everyone necessarily feels that and so am prepared to not feel it. Just like any other relationship in our lives, the one we have with our children changes, ebbs and wanes (I've felt positively murderous towards all of them at some point! Doesn't mean I wouldn't die in a heartbeat to save them). IQ there are many threads on here from women dispairing because they haven't fallen in love the moment the baby arrives. SO MANY others confirm that's a normal reaction to this lifechanging event. But they also confirm it does happen, over time. You're having a bloody hard pregnancy, both physically and emotionally so it's obvious, as an intelligant woman you're wondering about the what if's once it's over... but try not to worry too much. Any reaction you have is a valid one for you and you will love your amazing little girl.

Well, last night I had an EXTREMELY upset stomach. Truly awful.

leedy · 27/01/2012 15:16

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Moominsarescary · 27/01/2012 15:18

Lovely post MsC I mean, I'm sure the lack of sleep is frying my brain.