Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

Blue just posted on other thread but will here too, will be thinking of you tomorrow and holding your hand in spirit (hugs)

dachs I intend to when I go in next Thursday, I was just hoping that I wouldn't have to as it's all tiring enough emotionally without having to moan at people to do simple things that should be done anyway. We'll see what happens on Thursday but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Ladies, just to let you know that my pregnancy is an embryonic pregnancy and there's no baby. Life is so unfair but we'll get through this. I'm away to open a big bottle of wine right now.

oh, mel I'm sorry :( Are they sure there's nothing there, not just a bit later implanting than you thought? Enjoy the

External and internal scan was done and there was nothing there. pregnancy sac was measuring me at 8 weeks so they should have seen something x

Oh Mel I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?

Mel. sorry (()) x

mel I am so sorry, life is just so horrible and unfair sometimes. You will get through this but it's s**t that you have to. I also suffered a miscarriage after I lost my little boy at 24 weeks and while it was horrible and devastating it was no where near on the scale of what we have been through before. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to recover, we are all here if you need to talk xxx

mel I am so, so sorry. If you need to talk we are here, sending you massive hugs. Take care x

mel it is unfair, we are all here if you need us.

Hi girls, feel weird today. Feel like I should be sadder (?) I've decided to wait and allow the miscarriage to be natural as I just think that something would go wrong with surgery. We seem to be managing to hit the wrong side of all the odds for everything so don't want to risk it. Bad thing is it could take a couple of weeks to happen. Going to my gp's on wed and will need to discuss work with her as I'm not sure how I'm feeling about going back on sat. Might see if she'll give me line to delay it for a couple of weeks. Especially of I haven't actually miscarried by then. I just read that back and think I sound really hard and heartless. I'm honestly not, I'm just trying to be as practical as I can be. Thanks for all your messages, means a lot x

mel sometimes being practical is the only way through all this, I know its the thing thats got my head through it all. I think that is best to get the next coupld of weeks off, Im sure your doctor will give you a note.

Hi mel I felt exactly the same as you after my mc. You have been through much, much worse so your feelings are completely normal and understandable. I found the waiting hard, have you been offered medical management? Thats what I opted for in the end as I also didnt fancy the surgery. I have sent you a more detailed PM, take care x

blue I hope you are having a gentle day today, my thoughts were with you yesterday, I hope it was a beautiful service for your beautiful Sterre.

CD26, Dont feel pg but then dont feel that AF is on the way. Had a few feelings in the boobs but trying not to get my hopes up. Had a few headaches and also stomach is uncomfortable when I lie on it. But keeping my head at the moment. I might have another week of this so trying not to think about it.
Have been trying not to obsess about the meeting with the consultant to discuss the post mortem results, cant help feeling nervous and anxious about it now that I knwo the date of the meeting. Why has it taken so long, was there really something wrong? If there was soemthing wrong how am I going to cope with that news, or if it cant be explained how am I going to cope with that.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.

Mel I'm so sorry you had to go through this!

green feel exactly the same like you!

It was a beautiful day yesterday to put our Sterre to rest! I couldn't eat in the morning, I felt too nervous. But I managed through the day. All the people that cared about us where at the service, which went exactly as we wanted it to go. It was a truly beautiful goodbye to our precious baby. It was bittersweet at moments, seeing my 2 children together in one place, my DD making drawings on the floor, my sweetest baby in the casket next to her. DD was very proud and telling everyone it was her baby in there and giving the casket kisses. We had some lovely prayers written by everyone present on stars, which we will keep in Sterre's memory box.
My brother read No Matter What by Debi Gliori through his tears, he was meant to be godfather of Sterre. My DH was also very brave and carried Sterre to the churchyard and put the casket in the ground. After the service we had coffee/tea and cake back in the church and the men of the family went back to fill the grave up. After that we went with my family and DH's parents and sister to a nice country pub and had a nice meal together.
I feel at peace now, as I know Sterre's is safely kept in Jesus' arms.
I am a little bit nervous though as we have my consultant's appointment on Wednesday and we will hopefully find out what went wrong.

Blue glad the service went well xx good luck for your appointment xx
Jane good luck for your appr xx
Mel hope u re doing ok? X
Hi alll hope u re all well and enjoying the sun xx

Oh sorry meant green good luck xx

Oh blue sterre's day sounds beautiful, im glad you are at peace now and Sterre will always be with you. x

Hi ladies,
Blue that sounds like it was a beautiful day to devote to your angel. I hope you felt a sense of ease after having this special day x
I'm doing ok, spent a few hours non-stop crying today but at the moment I'm doing ok. We'll see what tomorrow brings

Just to say that Sterre's day sounds as though it was perfect. It sounds like it was exactly right for your family. So glad you had good weather. He'll always be with you in your heart xx

Mel - I'm so sorry this has happened xx
xx

Blue - that all sounds beautiful! I'm glad you feel at peace now - that's what funerals are for. God bless little Sterre.

Mel - I am so so sorry. I can't think of any words to comfort you, but I wish I could!

Well, I got a BFN on Thursday after all that swearing not to test. I had a complete meltdown afterwards and cried and cried. As a result, I have promised DH not to take any more pregnancy tests when I'm alone in the house. I am actually relieved to have none left. Still no sign of AF, though, so maybe it's not all over yet! Have been tempting fate like mad eating pate and drinking a fair bit at the wedding on Saturday, mind you.

Hi everyone,
blue it sounds like you had the day you wanted for your little one, Sterre will always be with you x
mel thinking of you, hope you are doing ok x
too sorry about the bfn, hope it was just too early and all that tempting fate does the trick x
I am in work and shattered, think afternoon naps should be part of the working day x

Im having a pissed off day, was fine the morning then when my mum came home from shopping (we still live with the parents) she calls me down stairs and says come and look what Ive bought. And there two sets of cds, two ABC ones and two Numbers ones. She says they are for your brothers baby (hes due in 6 weeks) I said 'nice why have you got two sets?' and she says 'oh for when you have the next one.' Got so annoyed, stop buying things for my unborn child that isnt even conceived yet! Why do you need to! Its too much pressure for me. Wish I could have said all this but I know if I do they think its coz Im not coping which I am. I really need to move out but the flat isnt going to be ready for another month or so. Im fed up with having to asnwer to the parents all the time, telling them Im going out having to answer questions all the time. I know Im being ungrateful but I feel smothered. I feel 16 all over again and its stressful, which cant be good for a BFP. And to be honest when I do get one I dont want to tell anyone. Im fed up with her coming home and telling me all the time 'oh I saw so and so and they send you their love.' I dont want thier love, I dont like them they are not my friends, this doesnt help me. I might help you but not me. Sometimes its like shes taking over my grief. And these words keep on haunting me that she said to me just after Ophelias funeral, 'that was the hardest thing we have ever had to do' no shit, not Im sorry that must have been really hard for you and DH, no has to bring herself into it. I know she was her first grandchild but sometimes I feel like I cant grieve because she is. Thats why me and DH went away to greive by ourselves.

Sorry I am ranting at you all but had to get some stuff off my chest.

Im annoyed too becasue Im going to have to wait another 5-7 days till I can test or for AF. it sucks!

tooimm sorry for your BFN , fx you tested too early.

green sorry you are feeling stressed, it's easy to see why you are. It's so important to get some time on your own and it can be really hard when you don't. I felt like people were putting pressure on me to have another baby (they may not have been, I might have been putting it all on myself) but since the mc it feels like people have completely backed off talking about us having kids and it has helped a lot. Maybe your mum was just trying to not leave you out? Sometimes people just can't see beyond their own upset and in a way she was greiving for her grandchild and having to see her own child going through the worst pain ever, that probably was the worst thing she has ever gone through it doesnt mean it was not even worse for you. People say the wrong thing all of the time when you lose your baby. my mil said at the burial 'isnt it nice that he is next to a mum' I felt like screaming, no its not, I am his mum, he should be with me. but i didnt and now i know she was only trying to help, she still does constantly say the wrong thing though, just getting used to it now. Take care and rant away on here anytime, it does help. fx the witch stays away and you get your bfp in a weeks time x

Oh green and ciwi, hugs to you both! Living with your parents during such a time must be so hard, green. Short visits to be pampered are one thing, but having to be there all the time is quite another! I wanted to kill my stepmother after spending 2 days with her, even if I was out for most of one of them. She cornered DH and told him she thought I ought to go back to work because it would be good for me. Aaargh! It's my business and his when I go back to work and she can just feck off. If it helps, I read somewhere that the birth rate actually goes up during times of war etc, so stress can't have that much effect on people's ability to conceive! I hope you get your BFP this month too.

Ciwi, I too think that afternoon naps should be part of the working day! And mid-morning naps.

Mel, how are you doing today?

I knew i should never trust consultant's minions. The minion i saw last week said that i dont need to up my thyroxine dose and my bloods (taken the day she saw me) would be reviewed at my 12 week appointment. I wasn't happy with this plan so I rang the hospital and got the results myself and then rang the consultant's secretary saying I was worried about my dose and could she ask the consultant if it should go up or not (half expecting that I was stressing about nothing and he would agree with the minion) anyway, the secretary rang me back this afternoon and said my dose needs to be doubled! I could have easily gone the next 6 weeks with half the dose I needed when the 1st 12 weeks are the most important as the baby is totally reliant on me for thyroxine! I am really annoyed that people can get quite senior positions (she was a registrar and usually I trust registrars and above) when the obviously don't have the knowledge or expertise, she should not be running that clinic without a consultant.
Sorry for the long rant it just annoys me that you can't trust these doctors and it takes a lot of work from me to ensure that I get treatment i should just get anyway!
Hope everyone is ok xxx