Fantastic 40+ thread - part 4

[hippychick66]

Come on ladies - you know who you are .......

gum I am so sorry ....I can't say how sorry you are usually so cheerful and upbeat you just don't deserve this, i haven't posted before because it was like a replay of my mc too and i was really hoping you would be one of those miracles you read about online ... much love to you

I'm so sorry gum that's such bad news. O had everything crossed for you. Bless you for counting your positives, but be kind to yourself that little life is lost. Big hugs to you. ((()))).

Oh, Gum. You jumped so many hurdles. I am gutted for you. I think you SHOULD ask for testing to see what it was. You need to grieve, and knowing 'why' may help give you some comfort. I'm guessing your dh is also very upset; he'd become so positive. My heart goes out to you all.

Panashe I'm going to save a place for you in the snug, just in case. I'm not sure what's going through your dps mind, but it sounds really uncomfortable for both of you. You've had so much to deal with in the last few months, things must be all over the place. Big hug ((())).

All - you know who you are....Mr Bean, AAARRGGHH. Ghastly date. I wrote a long post and MN lost it! He was a) the thinnest man I have ever met b) the angriest man c) a mason - sorry if that's your thing. He told me how awful his ex was - how she never tidied up very well and that she didn't like it when he told her home truths in front of the boys (wtf?!!!) Suffice to say, it was a good job we didn't waste the 'copter fuel.

Exdp had the audacity to plead with me once again to come to Florence - saying I'd have such an amazing time (again, wtf?!!) and that he hoped I would be able to see it from him pov. I told him, again, slowly, that I wanted a long-term relationship, not a four-day fest in Florence. Jokingly, he asked when it would be safe to ask me again. I said, 'When you've decided you want to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me.' And that was the last I heard from him. Hahahahahaha. No really

Just back from seeing David Tennant and Catherine Tate in Much Ado About Nothing. Wish you'd all been there, too. It sounds like we all need a bit of a laugh at the moment.

Yes, Hippy, mother nature is a total bitch. I have been very angry with mother nature/the universe/God today. I mean, really, did this have to happen to me a second time? Why? It is very cruel. I'm feeling so confused about where to go from here. I really don't ever want to go through this again, but I don't want to end my desire to have a baby with this awful grief. It's f*&ked, isn't it?

I saw my doctor today and actually felt a bit annoyed with her too, but I'm sure that's just my hormones sky-diving downwards.

She offered me the drug option this time. Said I could have contractions and bleed for a few days, then have the possibility of needing surgery anyway if some of the "pregnancy" was retained...so I declined. I have the surgery scheduled for 8.15 tomorrow morning. Then I'll know for sure the baby is gone. She said she would order testing, but she said it's likely to be my age.But, she also said that doesn't mean we won't get a healthy one next time.She told me her oldest mum (patient) was 48.

Now I have to go an cancel my 12 week appointment, the hotel I booked, DH's trip to Tasmania.

Then what? Any suggestions on how to get through this and stay sane?

Oh Gum I am so, so sorry for you . I couldn't beleive what I was reading as I was so sure all wuld be well. You are so brave just to be able to function at the moment; don't think about the future just yet. The procedure tomorrow will be fine. I've had 3 erpcs, so am willing to answer any questions, though I'm sure you know most of it xxx

Lol oh my goodness you had a narrow escape there - sounds like you netted yourself a misogynist. And as for you x, well words fail me. ON a pos note the show sounded great - wish we had indeed all been there!

Well swab results back and it is indeed thrush (phew) so off for a pessary on advice of mw though would be happy to leave it to run its course.

Hope everyone is ok. I am one of the striking thousands today so off work!

Hi gum big hugs to you (((()))). Hope the erpc is ok. From what I've heard, read the erpc seems a more thorough route than the drugs, although that's what I had it does seem to drag things out.

I would see how you feel but probably advise tv, film and chocs after with lots of tissues if you're like me. I'm still going day by day but sm having more good days than bad. The anger is understandable as diege said it's often just luck 50:50 as to what happens in pg with all the trying in the world.

Big hugs again ((())) keep posting hun.

Gum I'm thinking of you, and wondering how you are coping because I don't think you'd told the children. That's hard, wanting to grieve and cry but feel you have to wait for a quiet moment. Also the What is next question is hard because I think what carrys lots of people through a mc is the thought of trying again. There is nothing wrong in you thinking that and deciding that is what you are going to do, as the months pass and you are not as emotional you might see it differently.

Lol I think you're right, this year has been hard, and I just feel smothered by dp which is pushing me away. Would love to go down to London with my ds and mum to get away for a few days but he'd be on the phone all the time & texting me and accusing me of meeting an ex who lives down there. It wouldn't be worth the grief. I'm just so tired. Moving house really took it out of me, I have never felt so mentally & emotionally exhausted and sometimes I just want to drive to the middle of nowhere and just sit there and cry and cry. Sorry, just a bad day but somehow sharing it has helped xxx

Penashe, so sorry things are tough for you right now. it is a shame your partner can't just be loving and supportive without being smothering.

As for my kids, they all know now. There's no way to keep it from them, especially when we need them to help out with our youngest. I'm still glad I didn't let on, as I think they would have worried about me miscarrying, which, ironically, I have, but at least they didn't spend weeks worrying(especially as my 11 year old has anxiety issues).

I'd have to do the same again if I was ever pregnant again, mainly so they didn't have to worry. But I'm not thinking about that at the moment.

My DH went out this afternoon and bought three types of chocolate and some dvd's. It was just what I needed. Then I had a long hot bath and a little sleep (after howling for a good ten minutes!)

I got a drs note for DH, for a whole week, which is great. I just don't want to cope with a 2 year old on my own.

DH is showing any signs of grief, but that doesn't surprise me. Although he was very accepting of this pregnancy, and had even talked names with me, he still says he feels no bond with the baby. That makes me feel a bit sad too.

I know exactly how you feel gum - i too had two losses in a row and poor old jolls had 3. You feel like you've had your bit of bad luck and it should be ok this time and then BAM - no it f'ing isn't. It is so sad and crual, honey.

I would always choose EPRC over a tablet but that's just cos I would rather know it's all done (like yourself).

I hope all goes ok for you. Don't worry if you want to cry your way through it. I cried a lot when i had my EPRC. Nurses kept asking how I felt and I kept saying "Sad!" - what else can you say.

As for where you go from here, take your time to decide. After my second loss I was desperate to get preg again but as time has gone on (1 whole bleeding year later) I am not so desperate and know I'll be fine if I don't get there again.

I didn't want to end my fertile years with 2 losses but I now feel that if that's how it is - i'll be ok. I think time really helps with that kind of stuff. I now concentrate a lot more on the two successes and try not to dwell on the losses. I did my best with the crappy eggs mother nature gave me and so did you, my love. XXX

panache so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you may have depression (probably caused by your dad's sudden death, a house move, I think a pregnancy loss (although I may be getting muddled up) and of course a very controlling partner. Any one of these things is stressful enough. Maybe your doctor can help - I don't mean to sound bossy. I think a trip away would be a good idea - sod what your partner thinks you're doing - you know you're not going there to flirt with other men!

lol start a diary, write down all the funny dates you go on and get it published. With your wit it will be a best seller.

Gum sadly (for once) I have no advice about what to do next. I can only say you will work out for yourself what you really want to do. The only thing that might help is to take pleasure in the things you do have. It's a fine line, I think you need to grieve but also not get engulfed in the grief. Exactly how you do that I am not sure. But I guess it helps to just temper the grief with a little bit of peace somewehere along the line. It does seem very random and it is very sad. Be as angry as you need to be (you don't need any one's permission of course) but eventually you may feel more calm. I would second Hippy's observations, it gets easier. I rarely think of my MC now and when I do it is not really with sadness in the same way as at the time. But mine was a long time ago so as I say, just grieve for now. Thinking of you.

Panshe You do sound very down and blue . Can you talk to someone in real life who will not judge you or take your or DPs side and will just listen? If you can, I would do that. I would also take a trip if that is what you want to do. Why is DP so anxious and fearful of you having an affair? Is there something in the past (No need to answer this but if he had had one or his ex had had one or you had had one, or his brother had.....etc.... it could be that he is 'fortune telling' the future based on someone else's experience. The only thing you can really get form this is that either you will learn to live with this paranoid behaviour, or it will drive you away for good or it will drive you into the arms of someone else who does not make you feel bad. None of these three options is very appealing so best to try and get to the bottom of why he feels he can't trust you. But Hippy is right, maybe you are also grieving for your dad. Do you feel there were things left unsaid, things left undone? Or is it just loss. (By just I mean nothing else you need to do than grieve NOT just as in not much! IYSWIM). If you feel you would have liked to say things, or do things or whatever, maybe explore those things with a bereavement councellor. Sometimes, it is necessary to say goodbye. After my dad died my hubby and I prayed in the car to God about my dad. It was really helpful. My hubby understood. Maybe your DP is not being as understanding because he has not suffered this loss or he has and got over it or etc.... bottom line, you must look out for youself. If your DP is making life hard please tell him nicely so that he can start to address it. Just my opinion.

Just popped on to how how sorry I am to Gum

Life can be so unfair. Look after yourself.

Gum - so sorry to read of your loss., I know I have not been here for a long time, but I have been following everyone and loving hearing the good news from so many. But right now I had to post to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. As you know I have been through several m/c's and I can say that you just have to do what ever feels right for you at the moment and over the next few days. Don't make any decisions, just allow yourself to feel the pain, and don't worry about your dh not doing so.

I found it very hard after my 4th m/c when my dh was not grieving like I was, it made me feel very alone in it. It is sad when your grief is not shared by the person you are closest to. But now (unfortunately another 6m/c's later) I have come to realise that my dh is protecting himself from the pain in advance. He does not bond with the baby while I am pregnant, I think if I ever get to 12 weeks and all is well, that he will start the bonding process then. But I don't know if that will ever happen. Now I know that he can't feel the grief like I do, as he has not allowed himself to bond, like we have to do. But he does try to understand my grief, even though he can't possibly feel it. It does feel very isolating to know that you are the only one grieving for this baby as deeply as you do, but I can truely say I empathise with the feeling, and feel the sorrow in the words you have written. Try to allow yourself to feel the grief and to accept the signs of love and care that your dh is showing you right now with all he is doing. It is sad that he won't really grieve for this baby, but he will not forget it, as you will not forget the little baby and your hopes and dreams for that little one. Be kind to yourself over the next few days. I will be thinking of you.

Gum I too have had both medical and surgical management and found the ERCP much easier physically and emotionally. Sending you a big bundle of love, take care xxxx
Panashe sending love to u too as u sound very weary and down??? Maybe u need some " alone" time if possible? Would counselling be any use to you?? Hope things pick up soon xxxx
Hi everyone xxxx

Great advise from GG - who sadly speaks from experience.

Just to lighten the mood a bit - whilst you're here GG the list is well over-due

How are you Hippy - any news on the move? Any news on jobs/homes etc?

Did anyone watch The Apprentice last night? Any time is treat time? Great slogan for kids (NOT!)

Hippy - did the list for you for old times sake

In a waiting time:
nicole333 Wed 15-Jun-11 22:30:37 ?Who knows what's going on!?

Panashe -lolfactor saved a place for you in the snug, just in case.

Italiangreyhound - Just waiting for donor to appear

lolfactor Fri 17-Jun-11 21:21:05 I'm CD12 Sun 26-Jun-11 20:32:48 CD18 - quite confident that Arse-junior is not on the way! (not sure what CD as two different dates given!)

hopefulgum ? grieving the recent loss of her little one.

shandybass CD4 . Bang on 4 weeks for Af after mmc treatment.

On active duty:
hippychick66 CD10 -? hoping that pregnancy sneaks up behind me? & ?I think i'll be ok if I'm never pregnant again.? Keep up the SWI!

In the am I / aren?t I stage:
jollster CD23, - when are you testing!!!
Curlylox did you test last Sunday on your dh birthday? You are suspiciously quiet

on the bench
BeattieBow 4 weeks (?)
galwaygal (6+6)

definitely preggos
spottysox 17 weeks , been ttc since dec 09 3 MC possibly 2 chemicals then Bingo.

Diege 21 weeks it's a boy!!! (very clear to see). I have 3 girls and a boy, boy just 2.

AngelGeorgie 21 weeks it's a girl!!! GBOS now known as GILS Georgies ickle little sister!!! Proposed date for section 17 th October ( which is my late nan' s birthday) at 37 weeks, 3 days having IV antibiotics for group B strep 4 hours prior surgery, Steroid injections fir me the weekend prior to the section,

TTTonTour 39weeks+1 awaiting homebirth - about to pop!

Some Grads:
AlbaDeTamble
thefatladyscreams

PS I am not really coming back here, I did really only come to say how sorry I am to read hopefulgums news.

OMG GG you are so fab at that. Did I even say what CD I was recently - you are so clever.

Did anyone else notice GG's status???? I know it's early days my love but good luck with everything. One day at a time

galway Pity .....that was a great list but wishing you ( really hard, a peaceful pregnancy)

GG well done and thanks for the updaye you are star.

Just popping in to recommend this article on more and more women conceiving naturally over 40. I also thought this book looked good. I had my first baby through IVF at 40 and my second naturally at 42. Good luck to everyone on the thread.

Hi. Thanks choc the article was interesting and the book looks good. Isnt it amazing how IVF has taken off.

galway the list is fab. Ta. And tentative congrats.

extremelychocolateymilkroll Thanks for linking to that article. It's wonderful and amazing that you got pregnant both times. I also got pregnant (naturally) after the birth of my daughter (by IUI) - sadly I MCed. I could be wrong but it is my understanding that you are more fertile after you have had a baby (something about your body knowing what to do) or is that rubbish?! So your first lot of treatment may well have started things off a bit, of course I have no idea but just wanted to say that sometimes things seem to work like this.

I read Baby Next Time just at a point where I was looking at immunology issues, it is very interesting and I borrowed it from a Care clinic.

My only comment would be with the article is that it says "?They can?t adopt in their late 40s, so conceiving becomes the only option. That?s not their fault, and I hate the presumption that they are selfish women who have put their career first.?

I totally agree it is annoying to have 'putting your career first' as a reason not to conceieve in your 20s or early 30s. I had no suitable man in my life until my early thirties so it really was not an option much sooner! However, it is not necessarily true that you can't adopt in your late 40s, it may depend on where you live and lots of other factors.

In terms of 'unnecessary' treatment I guess the difficulty comes when people are trying for their first baby in their 40s because it might not be clear what the problems are. A good fertility clinic should always find out what is needed as much as it is possible to say! I had treatment in my late thirties but we had lots of tests to find out what the problem might be, and no real answers. But five years later and lots of sex with intent has not resulted in a pregnancy, so in my case the doctors were right!

Doctors are sometimes proved wrong but at the end of the day individual parents and parents to be have to make the best choice in terms of what they want and what they think they need. I am also under the impression that as you get older IVF is less effective anyway, but don't quote me on that.