Feck off with your babydust - The hut of gl/doom, home of inadequate reproduction

[wewishyouamerrylissiemas]

ok, so the hut disappeared so I decided to open a new one. tis a 20's style gin joint!

Hugs to both of you xx

:( hugs from me too.

Am also on af.

Silly silly woman at work (hr) asked me if I've got my hospital appointment in my diary . I felt like saying "no it's not like it's etched on my brain or anything. In fact I care so little about why I've lost three babies that I can't even remember the dat of my next appointment at which I get the blood work results."

It's the same person who asked how my blood tests went on Monday. How did she think it went to go back there and have more blood taken and have all the sympathetic looks from the nurses.

I'm going to have to have words in the morning. Can't go on like this.

pinkcustard isn't it horrible :(

I feel like I'm going mad today.

Sympathy and hugs and gin here- holly whatsherface also getting to me

God I feel like I am going seriously crazy. :(

I don't want to be alive any more. I can't cope with it all. Partner is being lovely but I just want to sit and cry on my own. have cleaned the entire kitchen.

Sure I'll be ok, just having a bad day/week, I expect.

What killed my babies? :(

Hairy are you having counsellling alongside the tests? Wish I could rl hug you right now x

Bex Hi, thank you.

I've been seeing a counsellor for a while.

I am on the waiting list for the Beresford Centre which offers counselling specific to this issue, though.

I came off anti depressants in October, when I was pregnant. I don't actually feel like I'm clinically depressed.

I feel like I'm grieving, and grieving, and grieving, not only for my lost babies, but the fact that I don't know why they died, and I will never know, unless these stupid tests show something treatable, and that I am a silly woman who left it til she was forty one to try for children (I had my very good reasons).

I simply can't bear the thought of never being a mum.

pinkCustard my feelings exactly, my reproductive system is the home of inaequate reproduction and doom and gloom. Jeeese some people are so insensitive. Oh hairy big (((((()))))) to you.

Hairy where are you based? I am seeing a specialist recommended to me as work with women who have had pregnancy issues. Pm if want to know more - I really feel for you as remember going mad with grief as tipped over edge when lost son to abnormalities. Also am in despair denial re tests as now at point think will never know or get pregnant again so resigned.

The therapy has really helped

Sleazy I'm in Wales. I'll PM you.

I saw the GP. Had a good chat. Am not going on anti-depressants (although she offered).

Seriously thought I was at risk of being checked in to the loony bin yesterday. I have never felt so crazy in my life. :(

Glad to hear you are getting support hairy. I agree with not having the antidepressants. I've had 3 courses over the years but regretted it the time I took them when my Mum.died, it numbed the pain and I just ended up feeling it when I finally came off them. Don't get me wrong they have their place but I'm.not convinced when It's grief you're feeling. What you're feeling is totally natural. Glad your doc is supportive:)
I continue to obsess. Feel 'weird/tired' tonight and I have gin and tonic, even bought a lemon but I don't fancy it. Trying not to read too much into this- had happened before with bfns. Ho hum time.to flick.through new Next catalogue and fantasise about how fab I'd look in it. anyone else mark down the pages?

Hmm think I just wandered into my own personal hello. On my friend's hen do at a spa day. Her Sil is 14 weeks pg. Swings between going on.about it and whining that her life is over. There us also a girl who's little one turns 2 next week dishing out advice- her baby was a surprise. In guessing the Sil did not have to try.for very long based on het attitude. Just had a massage, should be nice and relaxed but I'm not because I'm a bitter old crone. Vvv glad I chose not to stay over and can drove myself home when I'm ready. However, cannot have stiff drink to.calm nerves!
Rant over.

*hell, not hello!

hmm.....

Day did improve but am v glad it's over now.ad

hello, how's everyone today?

I'm feeling pretty rough!! Trying to assume it's pms so I won't be too disappointed when AF arrives on Friday.
Symptoms are BAD including vvv bad nausea - was quite amusing at work - I'm a nurse and I was on ward round with the junior doc who's a few weeks pregnant, both of us struggling with the nausea and exhaustion. I slept for 8 hours last night but still feel shattered. If it IS Pms, it's like, the worst ever!
ninjahow are YOU?

Am ok. Working through things. Deciding to just go with the panic attacks/crying attacks rather than fighting them. So locked
My door at work, cried, got on with work.

hairy you have my every sympathy, it must be terribly hard.

bex poor you, I've also been feeling really tired this week and my boobs are tingly which although may well be due to af due on weds, doesn't usually happen.

well, we've got our referral and now am just waiting for an appointment. gp said waiting list is about 3-4 months and while all our tests can be done on the nhs, if it gets as far as ivf then we will have to pay for it (which is what i expected since we already have ds). If anyone knows anything about the sub/ assisted fertility unit at Roehampton let me know!

On another note I nearly had a heart attack yesterday. I took ds to london zoo and we met up with some friends and their kids. We'd just come off a carousel and ds was stood next to me, i took my bag off my back, got a drink out, stood up and he was gone. I mean completely out of eyesight not in the vicinity gone. I was running around screaming his name and eventually found him by the bouncy castle. After yelling and hugging him simultaneously he burst into tears and told me he only wanted to see the bouncy castle and thats why he went. I honestly thought my heart was going to explode, I kept waking up last night after having horrible dreams about it. it was awful.

We're off too a wedding in ireland the weekend after easter, I think i might tie ds to me so he can't do it again.

Sounds like a sensible plan, dealing with feelings as they arise. My counsellor told me anxiety lasts a total of 45 minutes. This helped me on Sat when I had a panic attack in a swimming pool! on Saturday. I was like 'ok, well I'm hyperventilating and freaking out but I can ride this out'. I guess you just have to live day by day.
[Big hug!]

bex thats really interesting about it takking 45 minutes - is that what it takes for your body to process and make sense of the feelings?

It's more like the anxiety escalates for up to 45 mins, that fight or flight instinct. Then the body can get on.top of that and bring things back in to normal like heart rate. The more you are exposed to it the quicker you can get things back to normal.

well af got me well and truly first thing this morning. great. another month out and next months fertile period is exactly the same days we're off to ireland for this bloody fucking wedding that i don't want to go to. So not only will we have to share a room with ds from thursday to monday night but we'll also be spending all our time with sil and her new baby. which everyone will coo over and ask us when we're planning to have more. and we'll be car sharing with fil and mil. good god i may as well top myself now, its going to be awful. i need to find something unhealthy to have for breakfast to cheer me up.

Oh Ninja how utterly crap! You'll just have to drink LOTS at the wedding to get you through. I hope you had a lovely big fry-up this morning to cheer yourself up.

Times like these you imagine melting chocolate into a bath and just wallowing in it. Sorry ninja that sucks on multiple levels.