Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

I had the dildocam recently too. Everything looks normal. That's what's so annoying..

I have decided to give The Wagon another go, especially with the clomid and all.

It has been 3 days since I last had a drink.

Damitalltohell!! Where have you lot been for the last 3&1/2 yrs while I've been sat in that goddamn fertility clinic? And now I can't join this awesome, hilarious group with all you mint people who would have been so much better for me than my sanctimonious babydusting "friends" with their big pregnant bellies cos I've gone and got myself up the duff on the second IUI. Depressed at thought of both non-vodka, non-menthol fuelled Xmas and birthday... But I'll raise a cunningly disguised soda water (with ice and lime looks like v&t) to you lovely people and hope these horrific pains I'm having don't mean my first positive test turns ectopic. You go, girls :)

I so can't pull that off...

Jenni, sorry to hear about your troubles but congratulations on your success. Fucking babydusting friends eh? Come, let me pour some vodka into that soda. No?

Don't worry too much about the pain. It may be your ligaments. Not that I know anything about anything mind...

i have a really dumb question.....when people say they are fertile and they are going to be 'BD-ing' are they actually referring to sex as baby-dusting? iv always wondered what the 'BD' stands for in BD-ing i couldn't conceive of the idea (no pun intended) that they actually meant THAT?! have i been giving people far too much credit for not being utter twats?

no wonder they're not getting pregnant if they are 'baby-dusting' - im pretty sure it still takes penetrative sex to get pregnant.

ps are people not allowed to use the word sex in these chatrooms? or period? people use all sorts of funny acronyms, is it the rules or something? no one ever says 'got the painters in' tho.

It means "babydancing". In my opinion that is just as nauseating as "babydust".

SEX!!!

PERIOD!!!!

OK - my period has gone, but it's still early to start with the sex.

(Actually, I can sort of see why they do it, that's just too crude..!)

My thread

I would commit screaming murder to be pg and after several more merlotes will be that one in the corner of the thread calling everyone cunts for having one already and bawling whilst feeling sorry for self.

Will dip in and out, do ignore me

Aw MissHellToe, chin up. Let me just freshen up that glass for you...

I, for one, will be frequenting this thread A LOT over the yuletide season given the increased exposure to 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge when are you two going to produce on of these little lovelies' with family parties.

Read. My. Thin. Lipped. Polite. Smile. You. Stupid. Bastards.

or, as it actually comes out:

'Oh, well, you know, no rush! Blah blah blah' (large glllllluuuuuuuuug of vino)

I actually, bizarrely, feel compelled to drink IMMEDIATELY when I see PILs (nowt new there lol) as the one time I refused a drink, the nudges and excitement became far too much to bear. Should actually keep a bottle of sambuca and two shot glasses in the glove compartment of the car, pull up, wave, down a shot with DH, pat my kinda flat belly and roar 'MERRRRRRRRRY CHRISSSSSTMAS!' when I arrive. Hopefully the quick hit will take the edge of the disappointment in MIL's eyes...

edge off

kitty - I once saw someone on a Conception thread being called "base" for using the word sperm - which I was always led to believe was quite useful when trying to get pregnatn!

Lol@ 'base' - I am obviously being base all over the place!

(ooo that sounds quite good! 'Base all over the place, in ya face' etc. New rapping career beckons, eh?)

OMG alpine i'm so glad i didn't see that thread. i don't know about anyone else but this whole process makes me even more of a stroppy defiant angry little cow than i normally am and I would have been forced to tell said prudish fuckwit that it was no wonder she was struggling to conceive with that kind of attitude.

tante i just laughed a lot not just at your thread but because to start with i thought the second post was someone correcting your diction. i was about to call them a mean spirited bastard...

well im having a bit of a shit day. working from home and got an email announcing another pregnancy at work. i am happy for her but cant help being a bit spiteful and thinking that if that had been me and i smoked i would have quit smoking the moment i knew not at the 8 week mark which must be when it was counting back assuming she is 12 weeks now.

im also having an issue with the whole drinking thing. i really like drinking (fucking love it actually, no apologies for the language) but my husband is getting a bit snitty about whether i should be drinking. i think it might be because i had a really early MC last month (found out i was pg the morning after a PROPER bender). i dont know, im just finding it hard because to be honest, im struggling a little and wine does help.

on that note seeing as i am working from home and am wrapping up presents, would it be ok for me to have a mulled wine instead of a cuppa?

I remember when a now-friend (incidentally shortly to give birth to longed for baby) made the mistake of calling sperm "jizz" when asking for advice. Dear God!

I call it 'population paste'

@ 'population paste'

Just checked with DH - called into kitchen 'What do you call sperm?' and he just shouted back 'Jizz!'. No query as to why I am checking. Our neighbours must love us

And ILoveKittyElise, I am glad you were going to leap to my defence!

Hi, just saw your thread title and thought, "Oh bliss, a ttc thread I can relate to!". Can I join? I have rum and Marlboro lights. And Poundland cheapo tests.

Hello all, I'm off work this week. Bliss.

Loving the description Tante. All very dramatic Mr Toad in wind in the willows arrival. love it!

I have been wildly dosing up on B6 this month in attempt to make luteal phase longer. Some days I'm munching 4 or 5 of the little beggers though, just depending on how I feel...Can you overdose on them?

Also been drinking loads.

Ah folicacid you are so me - was wondering the same about folic acid, funnily enough. Whic I washed down with a beer (it's disgraceful, isn't it?). Don't know about B6, though? Are you dead yet?

Am off work all week as well and have refused to join the family members until Christmas eve, so have lovely days just me, Westfield, chocolates, sofa with Christmas tree a-glitter, and nice wine at 6pm (that's nightime and acceptable, non?)

You aren't a teacher, by any chance?

openofjars gotta love the poundland tests. 3 for £1, I found when I was in buying reindeer antler hairbands (clarsssy)

lol at everyone else that washes down their excessive amounts of vitamins with booze

love you ladies, you put a bit of fun back into this ttc malarkey....next i'll be enjoying the sex again....

ho ho ho to all xxx

Ho ho ho!
The sex (babydancing? Really?) is the only thing I am enjoying!

I have used the excuse that I need to feel 'sexy' to go and buy new underwear and clothes and things

Works! Although I did have to laugh at a friend of mine who rang me to tell me she was gutted hat she had missed her fertile time this month as she was so pissed one night, and too hungover the next two days to do anything about it! Bloody Christmas. I did actually laugh aloud. She has only just started ttc, though, so it isn't too serious...

So are most of us doing the 'little and often' SWI approach, or the 'fertile feasting' SWI? I am the former - just at it all the time

Doesn't vitamin B help with hangovers or summat? I think we missed my fertile time thus month too due to thrush, brought on by all the unaccustomed practising. Gah.

Yeah, at it like rabbits here...

The problem with the Poundland tests is that they are just the test strip, no plastic case, so they are too tiny to wee on after wine, so then taking a yoghurt pot to the bathroom is a dead giveaway.

Ho Ho Ho indeed. I've asked Santa for a +ve, but apparently it's not to to him.

Up to him. Not pissed, just been awake since 3.

normally i enjoy the sex but this month was a bit high pressure....iv basically had a couple of disasters (termination in august at 13 weeks for T21 and MC end of nov (as soon as we bloody started trying again)...i dunno, im just sick of not being pregnant want to be pregnant and i suppose i am treating the whole thing rather like trying to get a new job (except i wouldnt get smashed the night before an interview).

I use a fertility monitor so i basically have a small window of bunny behaviour and when im not fertile i occasionally enjoy spontaneous and fun sex (imagine that)

quite please as the booze police my adorable husband is out at his christmas do so i can enjoy a 'glass' of wine

why dont my crossings out work?

Crossings out are tricky. You have to do a double dash either side of every damn word.

Also if you try to bolden a word within some brackets make sure you do a space between the bracket and the asterisk