Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Now look, Tante, my friend. Clearly the shopping has to happen before the shagging. The major advantage of my shitfaced seduction routine (patent pending) is that I was comatose on my back for hours afterwards and, apparently, snoring like a drain. I would blush, but I can't drag up enough residual shamefacedness tonight. So I will instead.

Back to the real issue (good distract there, mind you): How on earth are you going to stay motionless for ages with your hips elevated (after sex, obviously) if you're walking round Lidl Sainsbury's? Won't somebody think of the sperm children?

Your only options:

1. Get Mr Tante to push you, upside down, in a trolley. Downside: not v dignified. Upside: the checkout staff may be so distracted by all this that they forget to scan your wine and you get freebies.

2. Shop online? Boooooorrrrrriiiinnng. Yawn.

3. Fuck it off and get takeaway instead? I would. Kung po chicken, and hang the consequences.

Oh, look at the time: too late... I expect the deed is done by now. Tcha.

Disclaimer: I have been on Rightmove ALL evening and it has made me go a bit weird. I keep using phrases like "deceptively large [glass]" and "to the rear of the living room". Help.

Who wants one?

jars option 1 would be the way I would go! and for the record my seduction technique often resembles yours. I just try and keep MrWinos alcohol level high enough that he doesn't notice...

Sorry if this a bit TMI for this time in the morning but I always struggle with holding on to my little erm 'passengers' Despite putting my feet halfway up the wall behind our bed for at least 20 minutes as soon as I come down the slippery little buggers sneak out again! Now am I being thick, is this because DH has low motility so most of them aren't trying to get anywhere so don't climb very high despite the gravity or is this because this is normal and it happens to everyone???

OK, CD31 and still no red sea! WTF is going on??????? I am NOT I repeat NOT in that (stupid) club - I just have some weird fucked up cycel going on and it';s pissing me off - I actually feel like I just want my period now* so I can start thinking about next month. Does that sound weird?

*actually secretly hoping, wishing, praying for pregnancy but knows it's not going to happen

update - someone call Moses, we're at the red sea...

stupid cunting womb

ok sorry for this but update 2 - it seems to have stopped?

am very confused, literally popped to the loo this morning and had small amount of very very red blood, almost like I had cut myself rather than period blood IYKWIM? - then posted here, now nothing, have popped for a wee several times and nothing more.

confused.com!

Wino how miserable and frustrating for you.

I know it's really maddening, but I think the only thing to do is wait and see. if you don't get any more bleeding by tomorrow morning, test again....

You're not alone either in loosing all that precious sperm down you thigh and if it doesn't some straight out it always reappears eventually, often at the most inopportune moment, like in the supermarket (as Tante may have found out if she didn't heed Sherry's advice)
But I really don't think it matters and I don't think it's anything to do with motility. Remeber there's more to semen than pure sperm. A lot of what goes in, and comes out, is just fluid that carries the sperm and some of what comes out will be yours! As long as you're lying down for 20 minutes you'll be holding on to enough.

Sherry sorry about the BFNs, but if you're not due 'til the weekend, it's not over yet...

Oh dear, think my womb saw that I used the C word and is punishing me with quite frankly the worst period of my life! Gross gross gross! Terrible pains and gallons of.. sorry, that's enough of that.

Oh well, another month bites the dust, feel surprisingly calm about it (must be the hangover) DH has next semen analysis on 8th April so will have to see what they say then and where we go (if anywhere) from here.

Fingers crossed for everyone else!

phoebe thanks for sperm/sticky thigh related reassurance. Muchos appreciated!

jars have you stepped away from Rightmove yet or do we need to form some sort of support group to help you battle the addiction (I'm thinking weekly meetings in a pub with plenty of gin)

Anyone got a fun weekend of debauchery planned?!

Oh, Wino. What a fucker.

What is with all these periods that start out like implantation bleeding? Seriously? Mine used to come on like an actual period but now it is a day or two of pathetic spotting, then a real period, and it looks like it is happening to a lot of you as well.

My weekend involves househunting, surprise surprise.

However.

We found a grotty ex-student 5 bed Edwardian terrace in a fantastic area for a stupid price. It has fabulous bone structure but someone has done something terrible to its decor (i.e. students used to live in it and were renting from an unscrupulous bastard of a landlord, so it hasn't been cleaned or decorated in years and it's actually a 4-bed with a tragic partition somewhere). Would you? It'll need easily £15-£20k to do up (rewire, plaster, carpets, new bathroom, knocking off the badly painted tongue and groove panelling that is lining the dining room). DH wants to put in an offer £20k under the asking price tomorrow.

I also love the house and the area but am scared. It has no garden to speak of but is 5 mins from fantastic parks/woodland and you can see the local primary school from the front door.

Oooh, what to do?

Phew feels like ages...

Chocs what a stunning dress, very clarssy- kinda 1950 or 60's esque? Witttttywoooo lady. are you delighted?

Wino and Phoebe bastarding cunting periods / wombs / bloody the lot of it

I'm doing okay, have been obsessively knicker checking due to spotting, but docs seems to say nowt to worry about. I'm a fanny hair away from booking a private scan though just to make sure. I can't bear to find out the worst at 12 week scan. Dunno if that is just caving into paranoia rather than beating it and thinking positive.

Jars I've had lots of similar types of convo with friends over the past five years or so, that whole, we have kids but don't have a much of a garden, but the beach is two minutes away, or the park is two minutes away etc vs the others who are the we moved further out, not in super trendy area and now have a garden gang. I've also seen it debated on here.

The upshot is- and i say this of course not from personal experience but from what friends have said / done is that no garden is totally fine until kids need to run around- espec boys- and then having a garden to push them out into is a life saver and no matter how close the park is, getting stuff together to go to the park takes up more time and means you are not in the house getting on with things...you know baking scones, making curtains, all the usual household chores whilst the kids are playing in the garden. One set of friends spent a small fortune landscaping their unsuitable small stepped garden and well...it's still unsuitable...and they haven't put any value onto their home. They now are back to wanting to move to get a larger suitable for playinjg garden despite living close to great outdoor space. So that's my twopenneth on that one. We decided to move and have a goodish garden now and that was after a fair bit of thinking through and a compromise on area.

Bet you wish you'd never asked!

Mais non, all advice is grist to the house-hunting mill, you know? I phoned up to out the offer in today and they said "Er, not until you've seen it, weirdly". I could hear the .

I outed myself as a breeder a while back, but the result is still quite young, so I haven't really got any experience of how free range they need to be. I think it's the difference between Tesco barn eggs and proper organic free range from Waitrose.

I'm going for a laparoscopy soon to investigate possible endometriosis: I had a consultant appointment on Friday and have been making up my mind over the last day or so. I am shit-scared.

Can I have a manly punch on the arm and a pint, please?

You be 'right, good that they are investigating Jars me dear.

I've never heard of anyone not accepting an offer from someone who hasn't seen the property before. When are you going to view?

Folic, that was delish, ta.

We're seeing it on Tuesday, got 2 more viewings between now & then as well.

Morning all!

Yooohooooo everyone......

Hi Folic - sorry, I've been on a lovely Red Sea cruise. Sorry, I mean I've been drowing in the Red Sea.

CD01 - Happy Fucking Mother's Day!

++++++++

Summer of IUI looms large..

I do not know what is fuckin wrong with me- can one you you please help, a quick slap and talk me down from the edge?

I've been googling for well over an hour all about miscarriage, why oh why am I doing this? As you guys know, we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks, and got such reassurance from that but I keep finding posts on various forums from women who saw a heartbeat then went back for scan weeks later and fetus had died.

WHY AM I DOING THIS? Now I'm sick to stomach. I've been feeling better in the past week- symptoms have lessened- not having to go to sleep at 9pm. Still queasy though. And now I'm freaking out that lessening of symptoms means miscarriage as yet again I can find lots of posts online from women where symptoms dropped off and then miscarriage.

I've also continued to get spotting on and off. This freaks me out although EPU said last week, do not worry.

I've got myself totally worked up now and it makes no sense to do this. Again I do not know what the fucking hell I am doing?

I'm going to have to call tomorrow and get a private scan. I've found a place locally.

I feel like greeting.

Folic - calm down...
...calm down...
...and again...

And now - you are not doing anything to wierd I guess - I think I'd be doing the same thing (not that I'm a barometer of normality :))
Although it's probably not too halpeful (to yourself) either!
Get the scan if it's going to reassure you.

I've read loads about miscarriages (and I'm not even pregnent - now that's weird!) and often women keep having the pregnancy symptoms after something's gone wrong inside. It's probably a bit like with BFP symptoms being similar to looming period symptoms - fucking annoying, designed to drive us crazy.

But - you are pregnant!. Yes, miscarriages happen but most of pregnancies go on -healthy, happy and normal. Most women spend the first three months worrying - it comes in a package. So you have... something like 1-1.5 months more worrying and then it's just glowig complexion, pure happiness (and piles ;)) for you!

Good luck with the house Jars!

Thanks for all your dress-related enthusiasm ladies! It's really exciting for me - all that's happening right now. In a way it (to an extend) helps me with TTC mania a bit (untill I remember how cute my fake bump looked under the dress :)

I may be taking a bit of abreak from MN - sometimes it fuels my baby craziness and I have to manage it somehow. But I'll be back (and possibly lurking :))

Pull youself together woman, you're hysterical.

Look. It's normal and natural that you're anxious, it's been a long road to get here and you're fearing the worst. But there is no reason to think anything is going wrong.

Stop goggling. Seriously, you're banned. Of course there are lots of women telling horror stories, that's because all the millions of women having normal uneventful first trimesters don't chat about it on the internet. You'll also find plenty of accounts of abduction by aliens. Doesn't mean it's going to happen to you.

Now, get some sleep. x

Ps sorry haven't been around. Not feeling great on new massive dose clomid.

Right well I've had a big old sobby cry and am going to book a private scan tomorrow. Fucking paranoia.

Thanks guys, I'm watching SATC and then straight to bed.

Sorry things aren't feeling great for you Phoebe and understand the stepping away Chocs happy wedding planning.

Tamara's another day...

Hello chappies! Bloody hell that was a weekend and a half! Didn't get near my pc the whole time. Maybe not such a bad thing once in a while? Went to see friends new baby who was very lovely and cute - She had been trying for 8 years and is now 38 so I found it all very inspiring that little Sam had arrived. Filled me with optimism for the month (not sure how long it will last)

DH has semen analysis number 2 on Friday and we have docs booked in for 16th April so hopefully we will have a bit more info then.

Jars House sounds nice but like a FECK load of work and if you do get in the club are you going to feel like donning overalls and gutting a house from top to bottom??? Lack of garden would put me off I think too... Sorry m'dear just being honest.

Good news about a scan, sometimes I think not knowing is worse so any investigation will head you in a definite direction? does that make sense? (I've had a lot of virtual gin hic...)

Sherry On boo, that blows :( This could be our month though?! Have been resisting the urge to google IUI in any great depth for now. Not sure now long that will last either!

Folic OH now then, calm down lady, phew, I could hear the panic in your typing All will be fine and I totally agree with Phoebe step away from the google....

Phoebe Sorry you're not feeling well hun.

Choc enjoy the wedding stuff, it's all over sooo quickly - two pieces of advice - 1 - however much time you budget at home in the morning add on AT LEAST another half hour-hour, you will need it, if only to sit and enjoy a glass of bubbles and number 2 - pee facing the toilet cistern, that way your dress falls behind you and it is much much easier - oh and take your knickers off before sitting down!!!

hello y'all. just thought I'd do a quick shout out from my rapid decline back to lurker to say count me into the cunty period club. (CD3 for me and I got me a real basTARD going on down there.) Doesn't sound like anyone's having the best week. Hope you're hanging in there folic google is definitely the enemy of the sane. And how about you loopy? I might just have missed you in my hasty drop-in but you cool?

Anyway think this calls for mojitos, like, really OTT ones with shedloads of lime and mint sticking out everywhere and crunchy sugar all undisolved at the bottom.

Folic, how are you doing? I tried posting on your thread bit the stupid phone died on its arse at me. I had similar: PM me if you want to.Good luck with the scan today, I'll be thinking of you.

Jewels, arse. Bad luck, pal: have an early morning drink on me. I make fabulous mojitos.

Remember me? Just a quick shout from me too as I have also been reduced to lurker status

Am going through tiresome handover of my old job/tasks to a reluctant temp (seriously, why the fuck arent people happy they've got jobs when theres a lot of people out there desperate?!!) while trying to get my head round new role at the same time so now not got much time to hop on during work hours :(

Will try to catch up later properly...

Ooh mojitos - yummy!!!

Heh, thanks jars. Good mojito skills should never be underrated. A mate of mine that I've known ever since school recently made them with 7up and Jif lime and not even the good grace to be ashamed about it. Whereas by ones mojitos shalst thou be known. (Corinthians 7:2).

Is scan today?! All fingers crossed folic sure it will be fine.

OMFG, but the house is incredible! A faded but still gorgeous Victorian lady with fabulous bone structure who has fallen on hard times and been forced to take in unsavoury lodgers to make ends meet.

We are going to put in an offer today (and the garden is actually quite big, once you realise where the boundary lines are under all the rubble, trees etc...

I'm just trying to phone DH to get the go-ahead on the mortgage...

Folic, how are you?

um, who am I kidding.

All is well. Thanks for talking me from edge. I resolve to sit back and enjoy and totally relax.

jars house sounds gorge and if you can make the garden bigger then all the better eh.