Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Jewels Maybe the banner could include Scary as well?

Wino step away from the outrageously expensive pee sticks and breathe. And repeat after me, childFREE not childLESS. Enjoy a weekend of parma ham, camenbert, lashing of wine and rare steaks. Fuck it!

Jars glad you've bucked up a bit ole girl. I say the baby will be both grumpier and wrinklier but granny will sleep more. She's 94 you know. Also, meant to say funny you think of me whilst popping those pills. I was thinking I should shange my username but wanted it to be 'essence of folic', best I came up with was FrolicIsaid. Not sure it's me though? Anyone any ideas? or should I just stick?

I'm off work today and have no plans apart from surfing net and catching up on all the trash I record on sky plus. Happy days.

jars due on 29th or 30th March - well should be - I use a Clearblue fertility monitor (so pee on my hands at least 10 days a month, just love it) therefore I know that I ovulate (well in theory) every month without fail on CD14 however this month I got absolutely bladdered in Brussels and didn't get a weird egg sign until CD17 so am wondering whether my period will be later than usual too.

It's weird, this close to my period I usually feel something, sore, bloated or generally like I want to hit someone with a giant shovel but this month I feel numb you know? I don't feel anything, weird....

Happy to report nipple unscathed by incident, no need to call an ambulance (could you imagine that call?!)

Folic you're bloody right, roll on the red wine this weekend. I don't like pate but I might eat some just because I bloody can!

I was a bit bored at work today so went back a few pages and read about your guys journeys over the last couple of months and I just wanted to say 1) 'jaggy fanny' - nearly pissed myself! Fucking funny! 2) Malbec, meal in a glass - too blimming true and 3) I cried at your ermmmm, ok I'm pregnant post, twas v moving and congratulations for managing to get in the club. I totally agree with the whole fertility goddess thing

Nah, it sounds weird! But in a nice way.

Folic, stay as you are, matey. It works.

I had parma ham and roquefort for my dinner tonight. It was delicious and I'm having red wine later. If I don't fall asleep first, that is.

Wino, fingers crossed for you. Back away from the tests and eat the paté. Or something also forbidden but less grim (I can only eat very smooth paté: the chunky stuff makes me think of dog food and then I can't face it).

Enjoy the old protest march tomorrow, London types. No getting kettled, eh?

sigh

Well, I'm on-call all weekend and because I don't live within a half hour drive of my hospital I have to spend the whole weekend alone in the local holiday inn.
Oh, the glamour. You never used to see George Clooney doing this on ER.

Have a good march jewels I'd be there if I wasn't working.

Jars great to hear you're feeling a bit better. Near miss this month, maybe next month will be the one.

Wino Been. There. Done. That.
We've all tested when we know there's no point. If you've been reading back you'll know my record is 7 negative tests in 5 days, so really don't give yourslef a hard time. It's normal. Well, you know, normal for us. Enjoy your weekend and relax.

I'm 7dpo today with nothing to report except that I went and had blood for progesterone. Should find out on monday if I actually did ovulate or if I'm actually 7 days post nothing.

How's everyone else doing?

Happy weekend all.

Phoebe I'm sure George got his head down for forty winks on a gurney in a dark room in the hospital beore getting back out to the business of saving lives in the ER. Gawd I loved Doug. Sigh.

Wino you can get a rub, but if you come near my nipples I will have to punch you very hard in the face. I could hang up your coat on them, ouch fuckin ouch. And also, watch out for the jaggy fanny- it came good in the end!

Jars go on the parma ham and roquefort!

Quiet weekend chez folic- I'm going to a posh afternoon tea on sunday with my bf so looking forward to that.

Happy weekend, ladies!
God, I could sooo eat some parma ham right now. Mmm.

I am feeling free of the pressure of POAS - as I said to the lovely lady who does acupunture for me 'I am not doing a pg test until I am vomiting and feel the first kick'

Even when you know it is going to be BFN, just seeing it is way too depressing.

Phoebe DH and I once lived in a Premier Inn for 3 weeks (between house moves). Jee-suuuuus. I ate eveything on the beefeater/harvester style menu at least twice. Started talking to the staff - felt like Alan Partridge.

I have decided to feel very calm and nonchalant about ttc-ing this month. Hmm? Baby , you say? Well...I suppose it would be nice but, y'know, I'm not really that bothered

I have GREAT things to update you with on quackupuncture (Mr Tante's terminology), though!

It really works! As you know, my periods were elusive, to say the least, and almost ethereal in their actual presence (small dot here, disappear, light show there, flitted off again). So acupunturist decided we would work on getting me to bleeeeeeeeed as all sorts of chinese medicine hocus-pocus about damp innards and flow and all this. 'Grand', thinks I

Hi - you guys have been busy!

I feel like I've been gone for ages!! I've been trying to stay away from the computer a little bit - tends to depress me a bit.

Not depressed today tho - just hungover after a v. late night at a friend's house with g&t, white wine, red wine, dessert wine..been gagging all morning.

++++++++

Jars - sorry about false +ve - I've had that with the 'cross' style tests, esp. Clearblue. So I steer clear of those, it messes with my head too much.

Folic - glad all was well on Dildocam. Hope that's the only drama!

+++++++

I'm CD22 today, did the CD21 blood test at the hospital yesterday, not that it makes any difference.

So I'm in the 2ww - anyone else?

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Welcome wino! Hope you can overcome your male factor probs - we're considering IUI this summer if we haven't got anywhere by then.

***

Another night out tonight - but on the Perrier tonight, can't abuse my liver too much. GP has vetoed any more valium (meanie) so I'm now Clean and Serene.

+++++++++

Loving the Mel B wicker man! Can I light it? Best pour on some barbecue lighter fuel first to make sure it goes up with a big fat whoosh. She's on her 3rd by 3 now - one more divorce then she'll have caught up with Ulrike. Come on Mel!

All the blinkin spice girls are pg now! (Except Mel C.) And Geri - but she's 50, so that'd be unlikely. And Jennifer Aniston of course.

Wow, lots to catch up on and no time at all...
Will try to come back during the week and write some kind of a proper post.
I just wanted to report (in a very selfish MEEE way) that:

• I'm back in the gama - the "giving TTC a break" scenario didn't work out ("what if this is the only month for the next daceda?" type of thinking kicked in) So, Sherry - I'm in the 2ww as well, CD16
• I bought a wedding dress! I love it and it will still fit if, miraculously, I'm pregnant on the day (we checked it with the shop assistant by sticking two veils under the dress :))
• I don't even have time to think these days (which sometimes is actually a good thing)

Phew...sandwiches, three types of scone, four different cakes and two cups of tea...well and truly afternoon tea stuffed.

Happy 2WW sherry and chocs

Chocs soo exciting you got your dress? can you describe it to us, or shy / would rather not? What else have you sorted?

Mmmmmmmm. Afternoon tea is definitely my favourite meal. There should be more afternoon teas. The world would be a better place.

Well, I'm home after a long and tedious weekend on-call, I won't bore you all with the details, and ready for a catch up.

Tante excellent menstruating there, well done.
I'm very anti-woo, but I think TCM and acupunture are quite interesting and I'm fairly certain there's something in some of it (although I feel quite strongly that there's also a lot of exploitation, nonsense and possibly dangerous practice and the whole thing needs better regulation, but that's an aside) Are you having herbs too or just acupuncture? I actually tried it myself for a bit early on and it did make my cycles longer and more regular, as well as making me a better colour (I have a sort of yellowish tinge, olive if you're being kind, normally) and stopping me having hangovers, but it was expensive and I hated boiling up the herbs every few days.

Chocs so exciting about the dress and I love the idea of you and the assisstant shoving veils up it to see if it would work if you were pregnant.
I'm not surprised you couldn't go through with the not trying, I'd be the same. We've talked a couple of times about having a break for a bit, but never been able to. I think it's really important that you talked about it and, by the sounds of it, have relaxed a bit more this month, which is bound to do you good.

Sherry and Chocs I'm on the 2ww too, in fact I'm kind of the same day as you, Sherry

It's actually day 28 today which is almost unheard of for me; I'm normally 24 - 26 days.
but I didn't ovulate until CD18, so I'm only 10dpo and determined not to test until Friday, by which time I'm sure my period will have started so I won't test at all (I will NOT test. I will NOT test. I will NOT test.) I had blood for progesterone on Friday too and I'm expecting the nurse to call today with my results.

So that's me.

I have quite itchy nipples and have had one or two fanny-ish sensations that I might describe as jaggy

I will NOT test. I will NOT test. I will NOT test...

hello all!

Been away from PC all weekend and had a very indulgent (alcoholic) weekend which was fab apart from two incidents that felt so terrible at the time but so competely unbelieveablly funny looking back I have to share.

ok, number 1 - Saturday - went to meet the lovely lady I bought my wedding dress from for lunch, totally scrummy lwelsh girl who had a baby (she tried for years so she's allowed one) in November. She is over an hour late so I sat for an hour on my own waiting for her. I don't mind, she let me know, she had a bride throwing an eppy in her shop and a baby that is breastfeeding every half hour or whatever so I didn't mind apart from the fact the she had arranged for me to meet her a cafe that is suited to parents with buggys etc so picture me sitting for an hour alone in a place surrounded by buggys, babies, pregnant women with toddlers (greedy cows) - I looked around at one point and out of 15, yes 15 tables I was the only one without a buggy (cue sobbing into my tea)

number 2 - went to a quiz night at a local school with our friends parents, they like us coming becuase everyone else brings 1 bottle of wine between 4 and we bring 4 bottles between 1! So we buy raffle tickets for whatever local charity is being hawked about. I actually win a prize, in the history of the world this has never happened, I never ever win anything! This is a raffle where the tickets are taped to the prizes so you don't choose, you win what your ticket says if that makes sense.

Now what did I win you say that could possibly be that bad...... come on pull yourself together it's not as if you won a giant black and white photo of a half naked man cradling a new born baby.... Oh wait, I did.... and when I say giant I mean like a metre by a metre print!

Cue to my husband looking he has just been punched in the testicles, poor chap... obviously I took the photo back to the organisers at the end and said they could keep it. I just couldn't believe it? Of all the prizes?!

However, despite that, weekend was fab, ate body weight in roast potatoes yesterday and feel totally positive today and am feeling good (possibly to do with wine at lunch but good nonetheless)

Phoebe LOL fanny ish sensations! Hope they indeed prove to be a TREMENDOUSLY jaggy fanny and that you withstand the temptation to test...

jars hear you about the dog food, urgh

sherry Hears hoping we avoid the IUI summer, was hoping for more of a pimms one

tante so pleased for you about the 'red sea'

Oh, poor you Wino and poor MrWino.

Those stupid moments are so hard, it can be over the smallest thing, but you suddenly feel so exposed and so raw.

Well, I'm a fuckwit.

I tested. I don't even know why. Even as I was peeing I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Negative. Obviously.

And the fertility nurse just rang. My progesterone was 29. 30 or over indicates ovulation. She thinks, because I had one good follicle, that on balance I probably did ovulate, but it's hardly overwhelming evidence.

Bollocks bollocks bollocks.

I wish I could just stop hoping, it would be so much easier.

Ah Phoebe that is rotten. Fingers still crossed, know what you mean about the hoping - often feel like a child who has found out Santa doesn't exist, but still writes a secret letter and then on crimbo day...nada. Here, have a cold beer and some wasabi peas (new obsession).

Not doing any of the 'erb stuff (always have to say it like Americans do, ditto o-REGGGG-a-no) with the acunpuncture - am trying to keep some of the madness in check

Wow wedding dress purchase alert! V excited for you chocs! Details, details!

wino you made me laugh! Who th fuck would want a picture like that, anyway? Where was this raffle - 1991?

I need to get duffed this month, I have decided. Otherwise my return to work afer maternity leave system is thrown right out. Think I may have to introduce m 'zero tolerance' behaviour policy from the classroom into my dealings with my uterus: 'I have asked you once, and I will not ask again. DO YOUR WORK PLEASE'.

Sheesh,my cycle is at serious risk of failing every godamn GCSE going at this rate.

folic can you actually still fit into your jeans?!

Phoebe - I don't mean to do the "hope for the best" thing (and I know you will be hoping ayway - we all do!) but there are a number of women on MN who got PG after lower 21 day progesterone results than yours!

Tante - two week period? And you actually paid for that?? You can have mine (1 week) for no extra costs if you want!

And the dress (for those who are interested: googlr jesus peiro 1010 (in images). I love the idea of having a dress designed by jesus, especially as it is a church wedding (it would be even beter if I was pg :))

Oooooooooooooh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Gorgeous.

Phoebe that is as rough as a badgers arse. Sorry to hear that, don't stop hoping, that's sometimes all we have.

choc that dress is very elegant, am sure you'll look amazing

Tante LOL I know! Definitely an early 90s affair!

Still no sign of my 'red sea' CD29 today and usually always happened by now, Nature is a cruel little bitch sometimes, I did a test a few days ago so I know there is nadda going on in a 'jaggy' way

Ah well, off for girlies cocktails tonight waaaaheeeeeeeeeeee

Oh yes, saw a book someone was recommending called 'The Fertility Diet' on amazon and it recommends no caffeine, no alcohol and no peas?!?! - well, I could do the no peas part!

That must be how my immensely fat, junk food guzzling, cider slurping, coke drinking bitch of a neighbour ended up with a million kids - she obviously cut out the peas!

p.s this is what happens when you leave your clear recycling bags out in the street, everyone knows that their neighbours eat nothing but Dominos, turkey twizzlers and drink coke and strongbow by the bottle!

I'm such an idiot and try and hide any 'naughty' rubbish under good rubbish and put pasta sauce jars and cordial bottles on top on the mountain of wine bottles in my recycling box!

I have even been known to place my organic vegetable wrappers, wholewheat spaghetti packs etc on the very top of the bags so the bin men know how well I eat...

god, I need to get a life.....

see, if i had a baby I wouldn't have time for any of that crap! :)

I-wino - I too am finding it a breeze not eating peas!

I'm gutted you gave back that picture - I was looking for something like that above the mantelpiece! Oh well - I'll just have to find something with unicorns, topless sirens and motorbikes!

++++

Phoebe - the prog test is a bit dodgy - mine last month showed I didn't OV and I'm sure I did, except maybe not until CD21-22.

Anyway - I agree with cheesy hope sentiments - sometimes false hope is better than none...

Just finishing another horrible 12 hour day at work and I've got light, brown bleeding.

And before any of you chirpy, optimistic buggers pipe up about implantation bleeding, it's not. It's my bloody period starting only 11 dpo. so much for responding better to clomid.

So, I'm out, but wino are you seriously saying you're not going to test again at day 29 with no bleeding?
For goodness sake, woman. Pee!

Hi all,

Well, you have been extremely busy for the last bit.

Phoebe, I'm so sorry if it's your period. I am neither chirpy or optimistic (really?) but I am extremely good at making very strong G&Ts (on here and IRL) that take the top of your head off, if that helps. Implantation bleeding is the worst idea that anyone could have ever, ever come up with because the mere existence of it raises hopes every month. I am still going to hold out hope for you this month, so you don't have to, iyswim.

Choc, beautiful, beautiful dress. You have fabulous taste, dahlink. I mean, wow. No spilling Black Sheep or John Smiths down it, now, you hear?

Wino, hang on, peas are bad for us? The fuck? Thank you for making me spit tea at my keyboard when I pictured you delicately arranging your recyc. Oh, what a fucking weekend you had: I really do feel for you. Sometimes it just feels like the whole world is on your case, doesn't it? Get a gin down you, girl.

Well, my car is going to cost me £500 this month. Twat. Never buy a Fiat.

HOWEVER: Some good things happened this week as well

1. I went out and got shitfaced with friends at the weekend: beer and fags etc. DH said I was comedically seductive at him when I got in.

2. I got to a lecture by Professor David Crystal on pronunciation in Shakespeare today and got two books signed (this counts as having a life in my book).

3. WE ACCEPTED AN OFFER ON THE HOOOOOOUUUUUUUSSSSSEEEEE! We are out of here, yeah!

Got to go, DH is knackered (after Saturday night, I think) so I have to carry him upstairs and tuck him into bed, poor thing.

Nighty night all, last one out gets the dregs of the sambucca...

It's red. It's drippy. There is nothing implanting here.

So, what's the news? Wino? Day 30?

Jars great news on the offer. Yaaaay! We lost our buyers, they couldn't get mortgage. Apparently banks aren't keen on subsidence. I mean talk about picky. They want a flat that's not falling down. Jeez. So, we have to get the work done before we sell. Anyway, I know what a boost it is to get an offer, congratulations.

Phoebe, . What a total fucking shame.

And subsidence.

Arse.

Phoebe Big giant granny pants on both fronts :(

Jars totally agree about implant bleed, it's crueler than well everything.... yay for offer! Glad you've had a cheery time of it this week, you needed it...

sherry I googled on your behalf unicorn +sirens+motorbike and it came up with several images, none of which were good enough for your mantel. There was an image of the anatomy of a unicorn?! Also some ladys dodgy tattoo. Sorry love, I tried....

In my camp we are now on CD30 and still nothing! Mind you, it is early still. However did POAS this morning (and also my hand and hairband) and it was a BFN again so my cycle this month is obviously a bit like me (on the piss)

I definitely think a 'Merlot morning' would improve my mood if it weren't for these pesky meeting....

Wino - I'm a few days behind you - BFNs all the way here though too. Sucks. Oh well - I expect AF this weekend, we have childless friends stayng, so I'm going to party like it's..well, 1998 was probably my peak party year, so I'll say that.

I feel a bit pissed off to be paying £35 a time for acupuncture and reflexology when I'm not pg as a result. I should have gone with a 'no win-no fee' holistic centre.

Phoebe - have your pick of the cocktail menu. On me. It's 2-4-1, so go crazy.

PMSL at 'no win, no fee' holistic centres!

Can you see the ad? 'Have YOU had a period in the last 6 months? No? Call 0845 FERTILITY to-DAY. Our no win, no fee acunpunturists will get you a baby, NO FUSS'

Love it

Oooo cocktails! Can I have something sharp and strong? Like a whiskey sour? mmmmm. Not allowed to drink spirits during the week, slippery slope and all that.

LOVE the wedding dress, choc! Beautiful! Your dress was made by Jesus, mine was called 'Jordan'. Bit traumatised when I found out!

Well done on the house, jars - and I am enjoying the imagine of your shit-faced seduction routine! Sometimes a night on the sauce is good for the soul, eh?

wino OMG I thought it was just me with the recycling! High FIVE!

Right, off to drag myself off the sofa soI can shag MrTante before we go to the supermarket.
Sexy, eh?