Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

DH just came home with parma ham, Roquefort, red wine and fags for me. He is lovely really.

My friend's tiny son is gorgeous and I got to cuddle him lots.

I am a bit pissed. Life is okay.

Work is going to suck arse tomorrow, though.

And Scary Spice is a wanker.

Alright? I'm here now, out in the open. thanks for making me laugh today

Phew.... Feeling rather odd today having not had any wine for 2 whole days, surely I get a sticker or a badge or something for that? Liver is most confused....

However, am going out for a glass of wine with boss at lunch to have a bitch about stuff in general so sticker would soon be revoked.

I don't why I get so obsessed about not having too much wine when the likelyhood is that I'm not likely to be pregnant anyway! I think I just need to start living my life the way I did a year ago - not based around whether I'm possibly pregnant so don't arrange to meet with friends etc etc. I think that's the bit that is pissing me off the most.

Been on such a downer since we got DH results, googling low mobility not helped and bumping in 5 yes 5, I swear no exaggeration pregnant women on the way to the post office yesterday and then the women who served me was flipping pregnant too! None of that has helped my mood, practically killed someone at work on Monday and have alienated a whole department with my shitty mood yesterday. Stupidly then looked up IUI on HEFA or whatever they are called website and discovered that it's only a 15% success rate anyway. Went for a long walk and a had a pathetic girlie cry and a sulk, then realised that I needed to get a grip and stop being so stupid!

the fact is, there is fuck all I can do about it so I need to stop being such a silly cow and get on with things! I'm not going to be pregnant this month so I need to stop thinking like I am?

Weird, anyway, sorry for the public therapy there, just needed to write that down!

jars sounds YUMMY and well deserved! Glad you enjoyed a cuddle.

loopy hi!

phoebe I swear I dreamt about kung po chicken last night!

Wino haven't got time to post as long a reply as I'd like, but I just wanted to say that everything you're feeling is completely normal and I certainly relate to everything you're saying.

I won't go for loads of stupid cliches and platitudes, we don't do that here, but I do want to say low motility is not the end of the world. You could still get pregnant naturally, after all it does only take one good swimmer, and if you don't IUI or IVF could be good options for you.

When you look at success rates it's easy to feel downhearted, but remember that simple numbers don't tell the whole story and each couples chances are different. Also, don't forget that for normal, healthy, fertile couples having sex at the right time only about 20% get pregnant each cycle, so IUI is not much less than that.

For now, though, I think it's best to enforce a Google ban until you're feeling better.

I think getting on with life and trying not to obsess is good, as is focusing on the good. Enjoy the things you have - relationship, work, friends - as much as you can. The feeling that you not only can't get pregnant, but are also not enjoying yourself, because you're restricting yourself so much in the quest to get pregnant, is awful.

That was quite long in the end, wasn't it. Sorry.

Oh and hello Sunshine. Welcome.

Phoebe Thank you so so much - I know I'm being a nob so thank you for all your comments, you are absolutely right - I am glad what I feel is normal, because it's such a private issue we don't tell anyone so we have no-one to compare to so it's nice to hear I'm not a freak (no more than is normal anyway)

Good point about the 15% versus 20% thing, hadn't thought about it like that.

I do just need to chill out and enjoy life. Google ban duly noted!

I feel a bit like a twat also because I kind of pitched up on your thread and MAJORLY offloaded onto you and it should be a two way street really.

Thanks for chilling me out and I promise to stop bitching now.

Right enough of that, shots all round, sambuca, tequila, slippery nipple, what's your poison?

sunshine sorry to have rudely ignored your post, not intentional...

wino I'm in almost the same boat as you, low count rather than low motility. It's frustrating because there is really nothing we can do about it. < passes gin>

Hello everyone else!

Hi all!

Wino, you're neither a knob or stupid. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really hard getting your head around all this stuff (check out my scientific fertility jargon) and we're all going through the whole range of anger, sadness, frustration etc. Like Sunshine says, it's the lack of anything that we can do as well as the problems themselves.

I am rather fucked off as I am sick to my stomach (have puked twice), tired and massive of boob today while knowing I am utterly not at all pregnant and waiting for my period to start properly.

On the bright side, we have a house viewing tomorrow (hooray!), so the house looks beeyootiful (considering) and doesn't smell (much).

DH is watching Demolition Man, the crazy impetuous fool. We are living life on the edge this evening. Yeah!

Jars I probably shouldn't say this, but if your period hasn't started properly, do you think you should POAS again.....?

Just did, bfn.

Threw up this morning.

Ok, I?m back?.

Turns out the low tolerance for the human race was my period - good that I?ve had another period (oooh, I?m normal) but man, it?s been a crappy one.

Having said that, not as crappy as Jars clearly. My God, you sound like you?re suffering & having a tough time of it. Is it always like this every month with the vomming? Sounds wretched :(

I?ve just past Scary Spice down the hall & she seems to have a big imprint of a hand on her face, anyone know anything about that Welcome Sunshine your support is much appreciated

Chocs/Folic/Jewels/Sherry/ how are you ladies doing?

I?m feeling groovy as it?s almost the week-end & I?ve just received our annual work bonus - fucking A!!!!

Too early for a celebratory tipple?

Oh Jars how completely fucking miserable. You poor thing.

Nothing constructive to add, just sympathy.

Sunshine totally right, nothing we can do so may as well drink gin to pass the time! triple measures naturally...

jars sorry you're feeling so shitty, that really does suck testicles.

loopyla handprint nothing to do with me, I gave her a kick up the a hole :)

How the hell did I forget Phoebe - shit, I thought I was doing really well there, sorry! How are you???

Hey hey hey,

Well it's been some week you guys. Jars shit about BFNs and that you are being sick, is this normal for you? I only ask as I thought I had started period with spotting etc but then realised it hadn't actually come to anything. Sorry I know sometimes optimism isn't actually helpful and I don't mean for you to have to come back on and keep saying fucking listen to me, BFN or whatever.

Hello all you other folks, spesh you two Wino and Sunshine.

Good to see we've got a fatwa on the go for Scary Spice. Speaking of....take a look outside at my handy work....

Finding that many scraps of leopard print to sew together was a fucker I tell you, but I soldiered on.

PMSL!!!!!!

Excellent work Folic !!!!

Oh my goodness, now that is lifelike... How did you do the Spanx? Lovely to see you, Folic. Drag up a pew and warm yourself by the lovely flames.

Thank you, ladies, for cheering me up greatly. For the first time today the haze of nausea has lifted and I actually feel less shite. Sandwich time.

Hi Loopy, good to see you back. No, I never get this: I get sore boobs and nausea, but not sick to my stomach like this. I have had this before and I was pregnant. But not this bad, which is making me think that maybe there was just something not right (maybe a rotten egg?).

Anyway, hooray! I have not covered any of my students in vomit (yet). I'm teaching a short course this week, and one of my students is a pregnant smoker who has just been gossiping to her mate in forensic detail about her sister who's had x number of miscarriages (which I know is so not what I'm having, but also not what I really want to have shoved in my face), and there is Nothing I Can Say.

Eh well, at least I have booze, fags and parma ham...

DH has been ace, if a little mystified, but has gone down the "there there" route, rather than the "get a grip" one, which is nice.

I will shut the fuck up about MEEEEEEEEEE now and leave the stage for the next act. But I have 3 more pg tests and will use them if cornered...

Jars - dude, I have no time to speak now (at work! Shhh!) but hope you are ok - fancy another virtual Marlboro Light? Cos I do!
Everyone else - I've been missing y'all! Will catch up at the weekend, I have had something on after work every bloody day this week and have the inlaws coming for the weekend - sigggggghhhhhh
xox

Gah! And I forgot Tante too - I'm a miserable excuse for a human being :(

Must be the alzheimers kicking in already

Tante, dont tell my dad or anything, but I'm going out for a real one in a min! Period just stated, thank fuck, and nausea seems to be abating.

Loopy's, how many bottles am I holding up? [worried]

Jars not nearly enough frankly!

Jars not nearly enough frankly!

And good lord, I miss smoking sometimes :(

The sun rises over spicy embers...

Well people. This weekend's been a long time coming, not least for you jars.

Hope everyone has something happy to do Sat/Sun. We're meeting lots of friends to express some quick collective distaste of big-face-dave dismembering the welfare state and then sneak off to the pub before we get kettled. Actually quite looking forward to it. I am even pondering making a special banner. And because I am so damn zen I am NOT going to descend into bizarre symptom inventing spotting behaviour.

Peace Out.

(See, zen.)

Congrats on this Folic good skills...

ok, so my internal dialogue went as follows this morning...

not doing a test today, must get up, must not do test, nope mustn't no bloody point, must get in shower, no, not doing a test, nope not me, i'm not going to be pg so there is no point, must get out of shower, not doing a test, nope,

BFN, I am SUCH a wanker.

*not even a cheap ebay one, it was a first response one. Muppet!

Have a great weekend ahead with lots of drinkies and meals with equally childless friends though so have decided just for a few days I don't want a fucking baby anyway, bring on the red wine and zero responsible behaviour this weekend. loopy I hear you, I might even take up the Marlboro lights again for the weekend just because I can.

Fuck it, I might even bake a camembert!

Ok now I'm just hungry....

jewels good luck with the non boob prodding!

jars are you feeling any better?

Hey hey, morning all (just).

I am looooooaaaaaads better, thanks. I only felt normal-for-7am grim when I woke up, not fuck-me-I'm-gonna-hurl, so big improvement. Menstruation an effective if disappointing cure for morning sickness.[gallows humour emoticon]

Sorry to hear about your bfn, Wino. When are you due on? Hope your nipple is feeling beyter.[concerned]

I am visiting ANOTHER newborn baby and my 94 year old granny tomorrow. I wonder which will be grumpier or wrinklier?