Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Ok,so, suboptimal response from Mr Jars, but Jars that's still brilliant news. Congratulations!

Since he's apologised, perhaps he was just being thoughtless or flippant and didn't realise how hurtfulit sounded, rather than being deliberately mean. Or perhaps he was just shocked and said something stupid. I hate to generalise, but I believe men have been known to do that. ;-)

In a day or two, once it's sunk in a bit, and you've progressed to a nice clear positive, hopefully you'll feel better and he'll manage a better repsonse.

In the mean time you have us to say: "Yay! That's great news."

Get us. Two positives in as many months. We shall be known as the thread of fertiles soon. Come on, who's next.......?

Thanks, ladies. Am in tears right now as have just been told by DH that his life is shit because of me. Some apology.

It'd better be shock. I may migrate to Relationships as this is not the best situation tonight.

Welcome, Jewels, sorry not to say hi sooner.

Phoebe, am crossing all of my limbs & digits for you AND touching my nose with my tongue (so lying on the floor in a contorted heap, gurning). I'm not sure how it'll help, but it's the thought that counts, eh?

Choc, you are TTC, planning a wedding, refurbishing a house and training for a new job? Fucking hell, lady, you're even crazier'n me! I like your style. Oh, had a thought re wedding dress: empire line, with very generous seam allowances round the boobs and front hem, to allow for alterations? Avoids that bursting-at-the-seams-up-top-with-your-ankles/knees/knickers-showing (depending on chosen original length of frock) look.

I am going to get on with some deadline-battering marking tonight but I'll stick my head in later to see who's propping up the bar.

Don't touch the amaretto: I've got dibs on it...

Jars, tell us more if you'd like to, but of course don't feel you have to if you'd rather keep the relationship talk separate.

Chocs I'm so glad you're enjoying the freedom from knicker-checking, OPKs and charts, but I'm curious about something. When you say you're having a break from ttc, have you actually started using contraception? I don't think I could bring myself to do that now, it would just feel so weird. Good for you anyway for managing to switch off. I'm sure it'll do you good.

Any improvements there on the marital front Jars? TTC is definitely stressful and puts lots of strain on a relationship. Maybe now, once you've moved on to the next chapter things will calm down a bit between the two of you?

Phoebe - no, we are not using contraception (partly because as, glad to be having a break, we haven't actually had sex in this cycle yet! what does this say about our relation ship??) We'll be going back to the good old high school in-out method :-) And it's not like we're so fertile that we should be worried about accidentaly falling pg

Morning. So, how is everyone doing?

Jars do things look any better this morning?

Chocs I think the fact that you haven't had sex says that you have a normal, secure and healthy relationship. TTC inevitably changes the way you view sex and I think taking a break from it would include not having sex, unless you really felt like it, for a lot of people. We had very little sex during the IVF and both appreciated the lack of pressure to shag all the time, whilst still being really close and affectionate.

Fooooolic? Where aaaaare you? Not still struck down by completely unecessary guilt, I hope.

Everyone else, what's new?

Morning!

Great advice re not shagging, Phoebe. The pressure to perform (on both sides) is a total passion killer and not focusing on it might be a relief.

Not sure how we are thus morning. Crap night's sleep, awful dreams, so we'll see how it looks after a coffee.

The vfp has almost totally faded from view. False pos after all? Must try harder.

Mowwwwnin,

Sorry been absent, had a big family type day yesterday and then bed. I've turned into a pensioner.

CONGRATULATIONS JARS! the tide is turning guys, tis like dominoes! I thought you were doing another test this morning? or was yesterday's second one the one you had planned to do? VFP will fade, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there in the first place. Sorry that MrJars is being a complete arsehole. Relationships thread could be a fountain of knowledge, although I predict 97.677% will say say leave the abusive bastard. It seems to be a bit black and white over there, when we know life is as grey as auld knickers.

I'm away for work for the next couple of days so hope to pop on, but may not be able to.

Hey, Folic! You know, every time I look at that little yellow tub of supplements on the bathroom shelf, I think of you...[nutter emoticon]

Thanks for reassurance: I did another cheap test this afternoon and bfn, so am hoping it isn't a chemical pg, and am telling myself to wait and do the Clearblue Digital on Wed (but I know I will buckle and do it tomorrow with fmu, like the impatient wanker I am). I do feel sick, but then nausea is also a regular symptom of PMS for me, so I am expecting blood any.time I go to the loo.

I didn't go on Relationships, much as I love Anyfucker-as-was and co (and I do: they are on the side of Good and I have massive respect for them), because I didn't feel able to cope with the "leave him, he is abusive" advice. I am tempted, but DH is, I think, depressed at the mo, and I actually like the poor fool and want him to feel better. Plus, I am not always a perfectly balanced paragon of reasonable behaviour myself (I know: hard to imagine, isn't it?) and so he gets some slack cut, at least until he starts his new job in 2 weeks.

Right, I'm off to drink tequila, smoke cigarillos, lift heavy weights and eat pate, just to tempt fate.

Afternoon ladies

I am so pleased I found this thread! Was sitting here throughly pissed off with lack of egg/sperm being in the right place at the right time (if they both bother to show up at all) and for about the 80th time having to give up my seat on the tube to a heavily pregnant woman looking totally miserable and pissed off to be pregnant and wanting to punch her in the face for a) being pregnant b) looking annoyed about it and c) for taking my blimming seat!

Do you mind if I join you? Can't stand the babydust/sticky vibes brigade. I'm sure they're all lovely but just not for me.

I have zero children and have only been TTC for 8 months so I know I have a long way to go but everyone around me seems to be blissfully pregnant or surrounded by offspring and it's driving me mental. My husband has low motility recently confirmed so we're still finding out where we go from here and he has to have another test to confirm the result.

My main piss off is that my emotional crutch is wine and I keep getting guilt trips every time I have a glass or 4... Just feeling particularly shitty today and want some wine tonight and know I can't/shouldn't...

ah bugger that was longer than I thought, sorry... Anyway, I hope you don't mind me posting and I'd love to stay - just wanted to say thanks for making me smile today and not like I'm the only woman in the world who doesn't have a fat belly.

Well, I actually do have a fat belly, but it's due to a tragic red wine/Haribo/kung po chicken imbalance, and there is nothing the doctors can do about it. Very sad situation.

Welcome on board, Impatientwino (cracking name). Have a tequila slammer.

Is there something else you can sub for wine (Haribo, kung po chicken, shopping etc)?

• does the lime count towards my 5 a day?

Couldn't quite bring myself to have no wine tonight following a particularly shitty day at work and judging by the fact there is a 0000000.5% chance I might be about 4 days preggers so have compromised with 1 glass of red wine and a giant curry.

That's about as good as I get I think! Am sure there are natural fruit juices in haribo now so they surely count towards your fruit intake?

OK, I might have slightly fibbed about the lack of fat belly, I do have one but it just contains wine, a bit more wine and a bit of curry (and now a tequila slammer)

Definitely need to come up with a sub, need to find something I like as much as wine, ohhhhh, I got it! - what about gin and tonic? oh....

Clearblue this morning said Not Pregnant. Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

Oh shit, Jars. I'm sorry.

Too early for a bloody mary?

Hello Impatientwino make yourself at home. I think it's unrealistic and unecessary to stop drinking altogether when you're trying. The whole thing takes over your life enough as it is. Cut back, sure, but no need for soul-searching and guilt over every little glass.

I've caught MrC's cold, which is shit, but at least it'll give me something to blame when my period comes*

What's happened to the other promising newbies?

*ok, so, yes, I know the fact that my ovaries are barely alive is probably more of a factor in conception than a bit of a cold during my leuteal phase, but denial is a powerful thing.

ps how wrong is it that I now really want kung po chicken despite it only being 8.15am?

pps Impatientwino if your husband has low motility, but everything else is ok, IUI might be a not too expensive and not too invasive option for you.

Sorry to hear about cold, Phoebe, and thanks for the drink.

It may not be too early for booze, but is definitely too early for chicken.

Sorry to hear that Jars LARGE bloody mary for you.

Thanks Phoebe I did a little bit of reading on IUI and our doctor has mentioned it so fingers crossed we can give that a go. Not sure what you call other halfs on here yet but he has got a date for another semen analysis so I guess we'll find out a bit more then. He only has had 1 test and it showed 30% motility but count it ok so who knows. As for the wine I have started to cut back, I drink quite a lot of wine so it's just weird getting out of the habit of getting home from work and opening a bottle.

A few years ago I used to smoke and be a bit overweight so now I have lost the fags and some of the weight wine is all I have left?! A girl needs a vice n'est pas??? (yes I know my french is probably wrong)

TBH I'm a bit scared to do anymore goggling about it because all information seems to be conflicting and confuses me even more so I'm just going to remain in the dark I think!

I'm not sure where I sit on the whole kung po chicken... It would probably go nicely with a bloody mary? Probably would help a cold too!

p.s Scary spice in the metro this morning following news on her third pregnancy (greedy hag)

'I think that when you really want a baby it strengthens the luck to concieve'

Stupid bint!

Morning all. Just sticking my beak in before getting down to work. Nothing of any particular relevance to report. I did run home from work last night in flurry of healthy-mind-healthy-bodydom but got lost trying to take a short cut and ended up doing 7k rather than the 5k intended. And those two measly accidental ks have BROKEN me, figure of athleticism that I am. I can barely move this morning.

How is the half-marathoning coming on Phoebe? Any time you need any training tips you know where I am .

Bad times, Jars. Sorry to hear it - must have been a really disorientating few days. Hope today's a good one.

Hello Wino It feels presumptuous of me to extend welcomes given that I've been here for all of 30 seconds myself, but...welcome!

Well, ladies, we clearly don't want babies strongly enough. Grr.

Stupid fucking cunty period arrived just now. Please can I have special dispensation to buy fags and smoke them in one big drag?

Anyway, just off to visit friend with newborn. Obviously, I won't smoke all over them, but I can't think of a reason not to for me, IYSWIM. Apart from the obvious health ones.

Right.

New resolution: I Will Not Test Until I Am Late From Now On. Lesson learned.

[getovermyself&carryon emoticon]

Gggggrrrrrrrrraaaaaannnnnngggggghhhhhrrrrrrraaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

At Mel famous-for-fuck-all-dull-and-talentless B.

Of course, Mel sweetie. My mistake in the last four fucking years has been not really wanting a baby enough.
I mean yes I've been through blood tests, more encouters with dildo-scan than I can count, pills that make me crazy, injections, lying in stirrups in front of half a dozen people, a big old needle up my fanny collecting eggs and endless, endless miserable disappointment and failure.
But clearly I never really wanted it like you and your darling hubby (number what now?) because if I had the baby magic would've worked for me too.

I'm supposed to be working (admin day, don't worry, I'm not neglecting the sick and dyng to post this rant) but I'm filled with such rage by that I don't think I can concentrate.

I seriously considered commenting on her blog about how insensitive it was.

Aaaaand breath.

Jars sorry about the period. Bugger.

Impatientwino (that's long. May I jusy call you wino?) google with caution. There's a lot of good information and support, but there's also a lot of bad misinformation and sites trying to sell you stuff and exploit your desperation.

Man, I'm moody this morning. Maybe the start of the progesto-rage, which would at least mean I did ovulate.

Jewels training was going ok, but I fear the cold may make this a less than perfect week. At the moment I'm on the first stage of training - to get up to 10k. Proper training starts in the summer...

Phoebe wino is fine - sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted her comments, it just pissed me off. I seeme to be pissed off alot at the moment!

My cousin had a baby in December and her fb status last week was 'Can't believe James is out of 3 boxes of clothes already, oh well, into the loft for baby number 2! For fucks sake you had a baby like a nano second ago AAARGGHHHHHHH!

People really don't think do they? I never thought a baby would just happen, I've had friends go through heartache with this and had already got my head around the fact it may not neccessarily happen for us and if it did then it was going to be bloody hard work.

My boss has recently 'given up' the TTC battle and is in the adoption process but it has taken her 9 years to reach this point. I think she would give her right eye for 10 minutes in a locked room with Mel B right now!

Why is it some people walk through the world with this idea that anything you want you just get?! My mother taught me to be a cynical gal and that you have work hard for anything you want!

I'm not always this grumpy! Sorry!

jars smoke your little heart out! I always test early and end up ten times more annoyed, however in a few days am sure I'll do it again no matter if I tell myself I won't!

Jewels hello, thanks for the welcome!

Don't apologise. The rage needs a target sometimes. It's healthy.

Wow, you ladies have been busy, not caught up with everything yet but just a quick one...

Big fat bollucks jars - nuff said

Welcome wino - great name btw

And I feel exactly the same Phoebe - she's a silly bitch

I have no tolerance for the human race in general today - no particular reason, just fucked off to the max, so will pop back when I'm feeling a bit more "mumsnetty"