Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

I said A. Maybe I am a closet babyduster?

I'm just in from a night out and have a story to bore regale you with. I realised - due to a few factors- that I was having quite a shit night. Just not feeling it. So I decided to start drinking soda waters instead of gin and tonics I had been on. Just didn't seem a good night to get drunk. Everyone in weird moods.

Anyhoo, a new waitress came up and took our drinks order at the table(I had been buying at bar before) so I waited til everyone else had ordered and had started chatting and then asked her quietly for a "soda
water please, but can you make it look like a gin?). Not really thinking this one thro. So she looks at me knowingly, smiles and says loudly, no problem, I like that drink. ;) So I figure she thinks I'm pregnant and trying to cover it up and that she's helping me do that. Very sweet of her. But very crushing for me. IYSWIM? Arse and cock.

Sorry about your cunty period Chocs

p.s i think Lee Mack is not hot at all and I read in the hairdressers that Jeno Aniston is having a baby by surrogate to arrive by her 42nd birthday and Brangelina are adopting another child.

You can't be a babyduster, Folic, you typed "cunty". Sorry to hear about crappy night out. Bless that waitress, bet she thought she'd done really well in.cottoning on so fast. But crap for you, obv.

More mini-Brangelinas? Cor, it must be noisy in their house now. Still, ours not to reason why.

Had a nightmare day yesterday..... to cut a long story short..... DH and I are planning TTC in June, but this month my period was very late, got my hopes up that I might be pregnant, so did a test on Friday morning as i was over a week late, but it was negative. was a bit upset, but hadn't been trying so really should have been that up set!! Then later on on Friday I was sat in a hospital waiting room (had knee surgery just before christmas, this was a check up) and a received a text from a friend informing me that they are expecting their 2nd child. Well for some reason I burst in to tears, my mum trying to reason with me!! I was all just badly timed. think I'm going to try and persuade dh to start earlier, he may come up with this idea on his own if I keep on crying on his shoulder!!!!!!!!!!

Is it just me or is everyone pregnant at the moment, I'm going to a wedding soon and I think I'm going to be he only female drinking!!

Hello Thornton, it's shit when it feels like everyone and everyone's dog, cat and budgie are up the duff. Maybe if there isn't a good reason not to wait til June, you guys could get on the TTC bus a bit earlier?

Er and can one of you please give me a stern talking to...I've just POAS and it's only Day 9 and absolutely no signs of pregnancy. I think it was boredum as MrFolic watching MOTD. STUPID! Just that small hope that my period was just one of those freak things and i was actually pregnant. Dear oh dear.

Folicacid, I have my fingers crossed for you, and thank you for your message. I have been trying to get DH on side with the whole starting a family for a couple of years now, and have only just go him to agree June, think i might be pushing it if I try and bring it forward. but I don't know if i can carry on like this till June. If another friend say that they are up the duff I don't know what I'm going to do!!!!!! well i do know what I'll do, have a large glass of wine (or 20),have a good cry and a couple of cigs!!!!

Hi Thornton, can you revisit the conversation with your DH & see if you can bring the date forward a bit? On the grounds of you doing a sad face across the dinner table at him every night for the next 4 months, if nothing else will persuade him?

C'n I pinch a cig?

Folic, I do that too ("What if it was implantation bleeding? It might be unsafe to drink all this wine I just poured myself. I'd better just POAS. Oh. Damn it!"). That way madness and penury lie, unless it was a cheapo eBay stick.

Forgot to add

We've all done it, Folic, but that way madness lies. Also, I agree that the excellent use of cunty means you're definitely not a baby-duster.

Thornton, hello, I think there a couple of threads of people waiting to ttc. You're not alone in your frustration, I'm sure.

Ok, there's a good chance I'm actually quite tipsy in RL, so I'm off before I start telling you all I love you.

thanks guys. I will not do that again.

Phoebe sore head ole chum? nothing better than a bit of tipsy I love youuuuu, no I really doooo. I mean reallllllly. BFF. etc.

Can I ask a question? What are your periods like? I'm desperately trying to improve mine, you know with past papers, mock exams etc. Well, okay, mostly with exercise and vitamins.

I'm not going to say sorry if TMI as surely we are past that? So I've gone from long (7,8 days) and clotty, red, almost black I'd say to then improvement, shorter but as before and now longer again (8 days this month) but light. I'm not sure what I should be trying to achieve any more. My periods in 30s are totally different kettle of fish, ballgame from 20s.

What about you guys? I know there is no normal, but do any of you know anything about the perfect Prefect period? I'm talking Oxbridge material here...

My periods are not even going to pass Home Economics as they spend too much time smoking behind the bike sheds. I have 5-6 day periods that start very light for 2 days, then, just as I start thinking they might be implantation bleeding they turn into Niagara Falls for 2 days, then I get another couple of days of pathetically light bleeding. Could do better, to be honest. When I was on the pill they were more, well, periody, and when I was on the coil they were like a cheap slasher movie. I am quite regular atm but have had 50 day cycles in the past.

So use them as a horrible example to your own to make them buck up, by all means ("See that? That's what you'll end up like if you don't knuckle down to some serious revision!").

Oh I think my periods are in some young offenders institute having been kicked out of school for constant truancy!
I have had two - count 'em! - in a year and a half

Brilliant! A competition I think I can win!

And one brought to mind the blood that would trickle from a little fairy's grazed knee, so hardly counts.

Well ladies, it got emotional there in my absence! Feel all left out so please take a gushing 'I lurrrrrve you too, you are my besssshhht friennn EVVVA' from me retrospectively.

Have been frantically busy since Tuesday, having only enough time at home to roger DH have a brief conversation with the lovely Mr Tante. Then we had friends staying for the weekend where 2 out of the 3 girls were not drinking and were all coy and lovely (PREGGGGGGGNANNNNNNNT) so I felt it my duty to .

It felt GREAT

But am defo not drinking again until I have 4 children.

Acupunture was brilliant, am going back again next week so will no doubt be pregnant the day after
Am enjoying chewing the cud with you ladies, time for a refill?

And phoebe you are going NOWHERE

It is official, all but one of mine and DH friends are up the duff!!!!!!!!!!!! was out for lunch with DH famliy today and DH informed everyone there that "everyone is pregnant" at which point the whole flamily looked at me, I let them all know that I'm not,(don't think the fact that I wasn't drinking helped!!) I then listed a few friends that aren't preggers and was informed by DH the all but one of the couples are up the duff. Think he thought that it was safe to inform me about this infront of his family..... think he was regreting this on the way home when it was just me and him in the car!!!!

I have back of new credit card CM, must not take no for an answer this evening and every evening this week. I am feeling millitant. Oh yes. Kerccchew

Okay, thanks for 'sharing'. It sounds as though I may have high expectations of said periods, PFB esque in fact. I'll stop putting them under such pressure and maybe they'll want to do better for their own sakes.

Tante tell us more abour acupuncture- what happened, what was the therapist like, what happened, what did they say, what happened?

Why the hell IS everyone pregnant? Is it all wild abandon festive shagging I wonder...all those days snowed in...

Phoebe can't leave, I've not mastered how to spell her name quickly yet.

It was lovely - spent about an hour talking about lifestyle/medical history, etc (was quite as I was actually beng honest, especially about my usual level of consumption.

(fucking LOVING the emoticon btw!)

Then she basically gave me a massage (ahhhhhh) and then stuck some needles somewhere on my back - couldn't even feel it!

Went home and had the most amzing sleep, and slept brilliant all day. Highly recommend it - all the feathery-strokeryness of it was self-indulgent rather than twee. Did love her advice though she was blathering onabout meridian lines or some shit and then just said and btw, SHAG like there's no tomorrow. Just SHAG him all the time'.

Mr Tante now thinks she is amazing

Thornton - we all know the feeling,eh? DH made the mistake of saying 'we have some great news!' to his parents (think it was something work related, can't even remember!) and the massive excitement on their faces was horrible. I had to jump in quickly and tell them before his mum hugged me. Makes me shudder even thinking of it.

folic have you thought that maybe your periods are exceptionally bright and are just floundering in the state system? Perhaps you should think of giving them a private education? Or even home school them?
hey may thrive in a more stimulating environment...

felt brilliant all day - duh

By the way, whatever happened to BlooferLady?

Feel like I am squatting in her thread or something (I mean living without paying rent, not like lunges and squats)

Great idea, I'm googling Boarding Bchools. I may have been being too touchy feely with them, and that should straighten them right out.

Acupuncture sounds great- did she actually say SHAG? that makes me love the sound of it all the more. Please say she did please say she did.

Bloofer Lady did come back that one time but said she was mizz and then didn't come back. I know what you mean about the squatting, but like vampires, we were invited in.

Perhaps we're the stragglers at a party who stay til the host's eyes are slowly shutting. Hmmmm. Or perhaps she is lurking drunkenly cheersy our chat but too pissed to join in?

Bloofer are you there dear?

Yes she did actually say SHAG - made my night! Was hoping she wouldn't be all tinkly wind chimes and positive energy crap, so am very reassured.

I have soooo been that pissed person chatting on when the host clearly wants to go to bed. Utterly oblivious, chatting shit as everyone else is doing fake yawns and boiling the kettle whilst I am glugging merrily away on the

I like that analogy - perhaps bloofer will come back with the bouncers 'Ladies, move along, take your drinks outside! Have you no homes to go to?'etc

Thinking of signing my periods up to the army. No dicking about, taking responsibility for themselves, good stong rouine, etc etc. Get them on the straight and narrow.

'Which Period' definitely sounds like a coffee table publication!

++++++++

Hello ladies. Snap CMH - CD2. Cunty period, if I can just pinch the mot du jour.

Devastated on Friday.

Saturday's £400 shopping spree helped though.

One of the things I bought me was a Diptyque candle. £38. My womb may be lame, but I'm SO worth it!

Have a good week.

(Next thing you know JenAniston WILL be bloody pg - everyone bloody else is!

Sweetsherry I am so glad to see I am not the only one to spend stupid money cheering myself up!

Although I have yet to be able to pay £38 on a candle. Please do tell me that the scent is marvellous and changes your life, soooo different from £9 candle from elsewhere, even though you would think there would be no difference!

And if it helps you conceive, that would be good too

Then I can buy one. Because I'm worth it.

Jenny Aniston shall be our touchstone. (bet no one dares call herjenny in RL)

Sherry, a £38 candle is just what a playing up womb requires. What else did you treat self to?

Tante that woman sounds like just the right side tree huggery.

Thornton, give that DH what for!

I have the slight sunday blues. Long week ahead. I think my job is partly to blame for non preggers state you know. Fuckers.

Sherry, sorry to hear about period. The candle sounds great, BTW, am v . What flavour is it?

Sorry, big fat me-post coming up.

We are on the cusp of giving up TTC for a bit because it is turning us into horrible people who hate each other. We had a row last night & just now (about last might's row); DH called me a bitch tonight & I slept in the spare room last night. I am in floods typing this. He says I have been a bitch for the last couple of weeks and he feels like a sperm donor, he doesn't want to sleep with me anyway and he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel like I've been kicked in the guts, to be honest. I can see his point: he's right, I have been a moody cow, but still, big ouch. I can't imagine having sex with him. And today is the first day of the fertile window.

More gin, please.

You must be feeling shite Jars, so sorry. This TTC lark can really send any sane person mad. A couple of months off can be no bad thing though. Feels like the worse at the time though. We've had a bit of time off before, at least I knew we were having time off- all this sex on demand and the desperation is such a turn off FOR BOTH PARTIES. Sorry for shouting, but I think sometimes the men get to say they feel like the sperm donors etc. as though every time we have sex in the fertile window we women are absolutely up for it, which I don't believe is the case.

Try if you can not to feel even crapper about this window. Shut the curtains so you can't see out for a few days and just work on sorting things out.

Remember it's not you Jars, his wife, love full stop he doesn't want to sleep with, it's the whole you and he trying to get pregnant.

Did you talk it through last night before bed?