Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Fab sweetsherry when are you off to Spain?

Christ pour us a drink will you. Gin & Tonic. HEndricks if you have it. With lime. And some overpriced olives. Thanks muchly.

Can I join? Was on the JSing threads for a while, but they 6 threads on they're all knocked up and I have no idea who anyone is anymore. Been trying since March, well when I'm not so cross with my DH I want to staple things to his scrotum rather than shag on the correct day, or when we're not working in opposite continents, or when I'm not so hacked off with the whole thing I'd rather eat cheese in bed and watch 4od compulsively.

Am surrounding by pregnant people and babies. Two of my friends managed to get preggers on the 1st month of trying, and persist in marvelling at the rapidity of the process. Ha bloody ha.

Merkin, you are in good company. Plenty Gin here, Hendricks we can do, but no cucumber. Fripperies we don't do.

I so cannot believe that everyone who says they do actually do get up duff on first month, that's just what they are telling people.

Cucumber? Cucumber! The devil's reproductive organs in vegetable form.

I'll have none of that nonsense thank you. Just acidic bile and strong liquor, thank you kindly.

The thing is, I think my friends are telling the truth, because they're not so insensitive as to mention it if they knew we were having trouble. Unlike virtual strangers, who feel free to point out that just because we have a 'family house' we should also have the family. Um, yes, I'm aware of that. I would in my dreams have bought a house with a hot tub and sharp edges everywhere instead of three lovely, utterly unecessary bedrooms had I known that the bloody baby would not be quite so forthcoming.

I just spat wine at DH reading the last page. Gits.

Hi, Merkin, pull up a chair but don't hit anyone with it. Have a extremely large dram and join the merry throng.

Okay, off to watch the Russell Crowe Robin Hood movie with DH. It'd better be good.

Merkin we got a lot of that when moved into our house, but it seems to have stopped now thank fuck.

Why thank you ladies. I'm not usually such an angry old mare honest, just had a touch of the rages after a very baby and nosy-old-biddy filled weekend (other people's, obviously).

On a more practical note, how soon should I trot myself down to the doctors? Wait for a full year? Give it a few more 'good' months? Start charting etc to make sure we're hitting the bulls-eye before getting the medics involved? Or get my arse down there pronto?

Well we're just about to go to docs ( must register with one first) so I'd say go for it. Easy for me to say as I've been prevaricating.

I've been temping for one month only, and I do think it has helped although OH getting bit pissed off with the light going on at all times of the morning in order to take temp before getting up for a pee.

I'd go in Feb Merk and say it's a year, it will be by the time you get anywhere anyway.

It's not unusual for it to take what seems an unduly long time. I conceived #1 after 3 and a half years trying.

I can't stand hearing 'Month 1' conception tales - and I hear a lot.

Every time someone announces they are pg I want to ask 'how long did it take' and gnash my teeth when they say that.

Sis in law was the worse, conceiving on Honeymoon.

Cow..(not really. Just Fertile. I wish I was.)

++++++

Spain in June - either I'll be pg by then or it'll be a sangria soaked occasion!

Welcome Merkin! Cheers!

I'd suggest going to the doctors before waiting the whole year (but tell your GP it's been a year!) but it's just my paranoia and control-freakism personal preference - I like to know that we're not fucking in vain :) Sometimes apparently it takes a while to get the system going, especially if it turns out you need to see a consultant of some sort.

On a personal-obsessional note - I just got my 21 day progesterone test results - seems like this month my ovaries did a good job! Which news hugely contributed to further rapid development of my POAS mania. I got a pack of cheapies through the post today and tested in the office - at 10 DPO, in the middle of the day, after gazillion of cups of tea. The result wasn't really that surprising...

More tests to come in a couple of weeks - I'll be injected with stuff (hope at least it gives me good visions!)

And how is everybody else's monday going?

Folic - I heard (just after buying the whole BBT set) that temping is not that reliable, aparently less so than OPKs. I'm still probably going to start temping next month though - just to keep myself occupied and away from other sticks I coudl possibly pee on.

Chocs step away from the cheapies! at least for the rest of today anyhoo. Great news about your working hard and excelling themselves ovaries

Oh good news, chocolatemolehill - hope it means good things!

Absolutely pissed myself at 'Wet Fanny Wednesday' folic - yes, yes! I will be putting it in my calendar!

And I will make sure to ask the acupuncturist to alter my costume accordingly

Merkin I would go as close to a year as your conscience allows because it takes aggggges to get any gynae appts, etc. Still waiting for my second one (yawwwwn).

I have had a manic Monday (woah-woah), and am lying on the sofa trying to motivate myself to do the work I need to be completed by tomorrow. Meant to go to the gym, obviously didn't as it is wayyyy too cold!

Might spend the next half hour dicking around on holiday websites (still haven't booked that Easter break!) and then eat things whilst I decide what to cook for dinner. Hmmm.

Oh folic you do reflexology and we can compare!

I like the idea of refexology as well. I actually just love being stroked! Mmmm.

Would be crippled by paranoia that I hd suddenly sprung a verruca or something, though (yet have no problem getting the fanjo out for anyone who even looks like they may know a doctor )

Also, folic, can't quite get over the fact that I think that reiki might be...you know... absolute bollocks

Tante I'm the same today. Reset alarm so didn't get to gym before work and then now I'm home (at decent time) certainly not trekking out again,

Any of you guys changed your diet to help you conceive? I was reading the reviews of a few books today and there was mention of giving up red meat and not drinking soya milk. I've just mastered soya milk due to reading somewhere else that cow's milk not good for estrogen levels.

No wonder I drink wine.

Funnily enough, I had reiki once for free many moons ago and it was total bollocks. I spent most of the time worrying about my feet smelling as I'd come straight from working in summer job at a well known fast food 'restaurant'. It was also in a dusty church hall though so that may have been a factor.

Thanks ladies - I'm now toasting to my wonderful ovaries as well! Although DF when I told him the news got a bit stressad as now it's all "down to him". So predictable :)

I really laughed at your descriptions of alternative therapies, especially the smelly feet/fanjo flashing parts

Folic - I'm not absolutely sure about the unreliability of temping - I was told that by that unimpressive registrar. I think it's about BBT being subject to lots of random variations (alcohol, colds, interrupted sleep etc.) She said OPKs are better way of finding out about ovulation (although, annoyingly, +OPK doesn't 100% mean that ovulation will take place) Which brand did you try? I so far used CB and Boots - both work well and both are bloody expensive (my rationalisation for the cost is that a) at least I can be sure I can get the timing right b) the child wil pay me back when I'm old and and in need of nappy changing

I'm happy to anounce that I haven't peed on anything for a few hours. BTW - for that office test I had to use a little plastic sleeve that the test was wrapped in to collect the pee - I'm becoming a champion of peeing into small containers without wetting my hands (well, most of the time)

I haven't tried any specific diets for TTC although once read a book by Zita West on how to get pregnant and she had some recommendations which looked reasonable (but quite predictable as well - alcohol, caffeine an such...)

Actually LOL here - folic you sound like me! I try every frigging thing going for about a week and then do totally the opposite according to 'new research' -in magazines--

Wine is surely better than that other hideous toxin, soya milk. And I heard tuna is high in mercury or something, so I will just stick to chocolate and /or salty snacks (except for jizz)

What do they do in reiki? Is it the hovering hands thing?

Hope the acupuncture isn't too tree-huggery. I will laugh.

Anyone else watching one born every minute? I like to fantasise about how calm and controlled I will be. And also how well I will look. (miraculous blow dry, lovely make up, serene glow - at the moment I am wearing DH's hoodie and have a spot on my chin)I spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking about what I would wear to labour in, etc.

And damn it if I don't need to STOP reading those threads about what to pack in your hospital bag! I haven'teven done my marking for tomorrow, yet have a list for that!
Tell me others do this?!

PS that jizz comment was wayyyy too much, eh?
Especially so soon after dinner

My apologies

Chocs I got free ones with my BBT temperature taker thingy- thermometer, that's right. So they are a bit confusing as are almost exactly like the preggers tests I got free too. From amazon. May have to invest in better quality maybe...

Tante Reiki is hovery hands and energies blah blah. Reflexology I've had too and it does work I think. It pinpointed exactly what I had gone for anyway. That again was years ago.

I haven't been reading threads about hossie bags, but I have been obsessively stalking mildly interested in the baby names posts. I have also watched that BBC3 documentary Cherry has a baby about 50 times. Oh the shame.

Also, friend had a little girl at weekend, and other friend has plastered scan photos all over FB. I'm not bothered of course. Just thought I'd mention, you know.

Wheesht Tante, jizz away girl!

Morning! I'm running late today...

Cor, dearie me but Russell is looking a bit rough these days. Robin Hood not recommended if one has even merely the most basic smattering of historical knowledge. It was as bad as Kevin Costner's Speedo tan lines in RHPoT. But not as funny.

Anyway...

Hooray for those ovaries, Choc! In fact, a standing ovation is called for (groan).

I have mostly booked a week in Cornwall today, for early May, so am already rehearsing the packing argument and fantasising about having morning sickness on the way down there.

May I just say how fabulous y'all will be at being pg, as you are already practised in the ways of the antenatal appointment, viz peeing in ridiculously small containers at the drop of a hat (kudos for actually managing to wee in the packaging) and flashing your fanjo at the drop of a hat? 'Twill be a walk in the park, and you WILL look gorgeous in labour. Dignity and glamour at all times, remember?

At the library this morning were three vastly pregnant women I vaguely know. And tomorrow I am going to see my very pregnant friend. The fuckers are everywhere.

DH is out on the lash tonight. Is it worth a drunken (on his part) shag on CD7? Or shall I put the spare bedding and bucket by the living room sofa as normal?

Phoebe, how you doing, pal?

Facebook has a lot to answer for! 50 per cent of times I log in, I feel like crying afterwards!

cd27 - BFN. HARRUMPH.

Jars I'd say sofa and bucket, but then I'm not preganant yet so whadd I know?

SSherry, stiff upper lip me dear, it ain't over yet.