Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

I did a pregnancy test yesterday. Fuckwit! No reason to apart from sore nipples and period is 7 days away. It's almost as though just doign thhe test has become fun.

Jars, 10 months what a nightmare. What happens next? are you going to drop the price, give up trying to sell it?

Joining the pointless testing fuckwittery, I tested this morning and then found spotting. FFS.

I might start getting tests online, as it'll be cheaper.

I've got sore nipples too! Snap! Ow.

Bugger. Today not a good day.

It was all going so well. I was calm. I was in control. Just waiting, no biggie. And then I went and started having bloody symptoms and now I'm a complete loon.

Friday (day 7 post egg collection) I had a little bit of pain. Yesterday unbelievbaly tired, proper heavy limbed fatigue and today ragingly, irrationally, unstoppably angry and depressed (what I like to call progesto-rage) This morning I picked had a huge fight with MrC that ended with me curled up like some kind of snarling, wild animal screaming
"STOP FUCKING RATIONALISING AND LOOK AFTER ME. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M A CRAZY WOMAN"

So, all that could easily be down to the progesterone pessaries, or it could be PMS, but maybe... I mean just possibly... could it mean.....?

Fuck it. No matter where you are in this whole journey, the fact that pregnancy symptoms are just like PMS is the cruelest fucking irony ever, isn't it?

Aaaaaand breath.

Sorry about the negative tests, but really don't give yourselves a hard time for testing. Peeing on a stick is one of the teeny tiny bits of control we have in this whole thing, so if it makes you feel better to test, even when you know full well it's too soon, it's not that big a deal*

Sherry, hello, nice to meet you. Please don't mind me growling in the corner.

Jars, selling sucks, doesn't it? We've been on the market since last March. Found out in October that we have subsidence and dropped the price as low as we can possibly afford. We do have buyers interested now, as long as the insurance will pay to, you know, stop it falling down. But the whole thing is sooooo tedious.

Ok, I have to go now. MrC just got in from his run with a cream egg (because yesterday I saw an ad for them and said I fancied one) and it made me cry.

*please bear in mind this is the advice of a crazy person.

ps. would really, really like a real drink, but can't, obviously, so could I please have a virtual bloody mary?

pps. meant to say, but was too crazily self-absorbed, Folic, what's stopping you going to the doctor?

PhoebeC - welcome!
7 in 5 days is good! Haven't done that but a couple of times tested after my period actually started - just in case the bean is still somewhere there in all this bloody floods (surely that's rational right?)

As to planning holidays - I did that "what if I'm pregnant" thing and missed my annual skiing trip. So now am planning everything as normal (including my wedding :))

Holiday shagging rocks! Got a nice smiley and the due date calculator told me that today is my conception date

Pregnancy tests from Boots are only for the Fertiles - it's too expensive when you've been at it 12m +!!

You can get cheapies from Ebay or Amazon (OPKs and HPTs) that work fine for about £2 for 40 + £1.50 P&P, seriously cheap.

I have a massive black bag full of cheap tests in the bathroom - like a antenatal testing lab. Where every result is negative..

I do have a twin-pack of the Rolls-Royce of pregnancy tests, Clear Blue digitals, sat there, with a fine layer of dust. Like Champagne on ice.

Phoebe - 2ww sucks, can't imagine how hard it is. Stay sane! Have a virtual frosted margarita on me!

Folic - I test all the time too, it's normal. Or normally abnormal at least. Hope you get that second line SOON.

Hey hey, sorry: I got interrupted by arriving at Sainsbo's for the weekly thrill that is the Big Shop (woo!).

Oh, it is so nice to hear other people's stories of POAS insanity. I told DH yesterday that I had loads of pg symptoms and he said, "There, there" very nicely. He is a good egg and understands that I have now jinxed this month by talking to him about it.

We are going to drop the price again and then I don't know what. We can only go as low as £70k before we are making a loss, but we had it on at £90k before. Grr.

Sherry, I love the idea of having Clear Blue Digitals on ice. Currently, the hospital-sanctioned test that they gave me at embryo transfer is the only one in the house (I will not test. I will not test.) But I had planned, secretly, to go out and get a Clear Blue Digital two-pack if I test positive.

Jars, miserable, isn't it? Not just being stuck and wanting to move, but constantly having to be ready to show people round. Our last price drop really did make all the difference, though, we got loads more interest really quickly.

Chocolate, hello, and thank you for some much needed positivity. Hurrah for holiday sex!

And sticking with optimism, Folic and Jars, I've a bit lost track of your cycle days, but it's not over yet, is it?

I think it is now. I've been spotting on and off today and no matter how hard I try to think happy thoughts, I'm pretty sure it's my period. I might go and POAS just for a laugh.

Phoebe, how was the cream egg me dear? The madness is infact the madness, and I imagine that the madness of IVF is it's own even more special brand of madness.

What date will you know if it has been a success?

I haven't been to doc yet as I'm a wuss. it makes no sense.

I've bought preggers tests from amazon too, very cheap and they added in ovulation sticks too.

I'm on Day 23 of cycle. So easy when period starts on the first of the month eh. I normally have short cycles, 25 ish days but last month was 34 days I think due to my overdosing widly on vit B6 in a sad short luteal phase battle...anyway have knocked that addiction on the head. It was desperate.

My nips are well sore. It feels very cold though so I am not symptom spotting - uh huh no way not me.

Like Phoebe, I am loving the champagne on ice with the clear blue digitals sweetsherry i like your style!

Chocsaway! happy holiday shagging. Lucky caaaaaa.

Hello Where are you Tante?

Today is a new day. I am calm. I am serene. I am in control.

Folic, I have to test on Sunday 30th (and not a moment before) but even if that's positive we're not out of the woods. With IVF there's a higher risk of very early miscarriage, so I'd have to go for scans at 6-7 weeks and 8-9 weeks before it would be regarded as a "clinical preganacy" (as opposed to a "chemical pregnancy" which is what they call a positive test)
Basically, it doesn't count until you've seen a heartbeat.

Now, stop being silly make a doctors appointment. The first appointment with your GP will be a complete anti-climax anyway. Unless you have an particularly good GP or one whose really interested in reproductive medicine, they won't be that interested in talking about your cycles in detail. They'll just want to know how long your cycles are and how long you've been trying. They'll suggest semen analysis for your partner (take him with you if you can) and blood tests for you (day 2 FSH/LH, day 21 progesterone plus a few other general things) and that's it.

Jars, sorry it looks like a no this month. Drink?

Well that means we'll be testing around the same time them ( if the big P hasn't come for me then).

I know I know I know. I'm not registered at a doctors which is partially my problem, but I should just go to the well woman clinic. I WILL. ( if this month is not the month, which is very likely)

Be Zen me dear, be Zen.

Yours in lightness and other nonsense.

Folic

Ace!

I've never had a testing buddy before.

Phoebe I hope so. If I am not it means it has come already gawdammit.

Jars- how are ya?

Hi ladies, I'm back - with a newly acquired post-holiday serenity (although it's only the beginning of the 2ww so we'll see in a few days) and a huge hangover (if you ever get an urge to drink a bottle of sparkling wine at 3am, after consuming a few glasses of red and a couple of whiskeys it's probably an urge to resist :))

Folic - going to a doctor is not that bad, in a way it gives you a feeling of control and actually doing something (a bit more than POAS :)) I went just before hols and thay have been impressively efficient (I guess it was helped a bit by my little lie about how long we've been trying for ). I have my first appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow plus have had the 2CD blood tests done (21CD in a few days).
And DF had his swimmers tested.
The bad news is that it all doesn't look 100% right... My LH/FSh ratio is messed up suggesting possible PCOS. And the sperm results were a bit dodgy sa well - the guys were not mooving as fast as they should and some of them were a bit faulty. We're hoping that maybe it's because there was only 12 hours between DFs hospital wank and our last sex so he'll probably retest. I'll be toasting to that - J Walker on rocks this time!

Jars - good luck with the house! The market usually picks up in early spring so hopefully you'll get more interested viewers.

Phoebe - sounds quite tough with all these extra scans before you can be oficialy pregnant. Chemical pregnany/early miscarriage really sucks so maybe, in a way, it's better to be prepared for this eventuality? I had no idea about this (how common it is) when it happened to me and it was a bit of a shock. I'll raise another whisky glass to yours being an exceptionally well behaved bean though :) What happens when it doesn't catch? How soon can you have another round?

Good luck waiting..

I have fabulous EWCM today - like foamy egg white. Optimum.

And no prizes for guessing whether DH is (a) upstairs relaxing in a silk kimono (b) away with ruddy work for a few days.

And saddo that I am, I worked out the dates ahead - and he's due to be AWOL during key days the next two months.

Gargh.

Chocolate, hello. Well, that's the question I was sorting hoping no-one would ask. Not because I mind answering, I don't, but because I don't want to depress everyone. If this cycle doesn't work, then that's it for us. Partly because we don't have the money for any more (our PCT only pays for one plus three frozen, but we don't have any spare embryos) but more importantly, because it's just not likely to work for us.

My day 2 FSH was over 15 before treatment, which means possible premature menopause or ovarian failure. Lots of clinics don't even accept women with an FSH that high for IVF. I have a family history of premature menopause (mum 38, granny 29, they just started earlier) and I'm two weeks off 37. Before we started IVF we were told that it would be a test of my ovarian function as much as anything else and if I didn't respond well, that would indicate ovarian failure. And, as you know, only two little eggs and one embryo after maximun stimulation.

We don't want to go down the donor route, although I get that it's right for lots of people, it's not for us.

So, if this doesn't work that's kind of it.

But that's ok. It really is. Obviously, it's not what we wanted, but MrC and I are made for each other and I consider myself very lucky to have a partner in life like him. If childlessness is the hand we're dealt, we'll play it. And we'll have a good life.

I know that's kind of contraversial on a conception forum. I hope you don't all resent me for giving up. And I really hope it doesn't bring everyone down, but it is what it is.

ps Sherry, I hate that. We used to both work shifts and the months when we just didn't see each other, let alone shag, during the right week were really frustrating. I know well the disappointment of seeing lovely egg whitiness and knowing it'll be wasted.

Phoebe - sorry for asking (I'm feeling like an insensitive bitch now...) and thanks for such an honest response. I don't think what you said is controversial and any kind of resentment would never cross my mind! If anything, I think what you said is very uplifting in a way - I really admire your calmness and strength and knowing what's bets for you. MrC is a lucky guy!
I won't be giving you any reassuring babydusty stuff now but will silently pour a double measure and toast for a good result!

Phoebe, Choc said it better than I could. Get yourself round this . Good luck, I have everything crossed for you, which believe me, is making me very unpopular round here.

Sherry, foamy? Blimey. Have you been eating baking soda? Lousy timing, though. My mate made her DH join the mile high club to conceive her DS as that was the only time they were going to be spending any time together that month. Poor man.

Welcome back, Choc*, sorry to hear about the test results. But at least the system is starting to gear up for you.

Okay, I might have done some tests. Oops. So sue me. All negative, the bastards. But also, no period yet, so I am officially 1 day late. Bet I come on like Niagara falls now I've typed this. I am therefore symptom spotting like a loon, despite having gone through all this in October when I was a day late (and told 2 mates IRL).

Have any of you told family that you are TTC? I'm tempted as I need a way to deal with the questions, plus I keep needing to remember to hide the folic acid when they come round. Who have you told?

Thanks you for the reassurance and virtual drinks.

I'm a little sensitive about it, because I've drifted from one friend who had real trouble understanding my ambivalence about IVF (long story, but it took us a while to decide it was right for us) and thought I should be doing everything possible to have a baby.

Chocolate, don't be silly, there was nothing insensitive about asking, it's a natural next question and I don't mind answering. I just don't want to make anyone else feel like they're running out of options.

Well, I'm back at work today after just over two weeks off, so back to the 5.25am alarm, back to the commute and back at my desk with a very full inbox. So, I might not be as chatty. Thank you all for talking to me though, it's making the world of difference.

Dearie me, my back is turned for two minutes and you've all gone drunken maudlin on me... ,joke.

Your attitude is brilliant Phoebe. Nuff said.

Sherry I hate months like that. Illness, wworking away etc. There's nowt to be done with it but galls all the same.

Chocs glad the hols were good, try not to go mental in the 2WW.

Where is Tante by jings?

Jars still a chance me dear, hang in there.

I'm on 12 DPO (oooh hark at me learning the fancy terms) and no spotting as yet and a very spotty chin. I hope I don't sound too desperate.

Yeah yeah I know I do.

Well, I'm out.

Oh well, full system reset and back to shagging with wild abandon in a week.

Good luck, Folic: here's the insanity baton, now run like the wind! Four POASs by lunchtime, please.

Tante, where are you?

Work is dull. Oh, I wish I could've stayed a lady of leisure.

Chocolate, I totally forgot to say anything about your tests; now who's insensitive? I'm sorry it wasn't all good news, but none of it is definitely bad. A re-test is a good idea for him, you might find it quite different with the right timing. And if not minor abnormalities can be overcome.

How did you get on at your appointment?

Jars, I'm sorry you're out for this month, but I'm sure Folic and I can manage that insanity baton while you limber up for the next race. Have a drink for me.

On the question of telling family and friends, I'm by nature, a sharer and tend to be very open about things (you might have noticed!) My family know everything and are amazingly supportive. His family we're not as close to and are quite guarded about what we share, they know we're having trouble, but not about the IVF. I also have some really good friends (and I'm lucky enough to work with two good friends who both know)
As for other friends, aquantances, strangers and anyone who thinks it's ok to ask a 30-something "when are you going to have a baby then?" I reached a point where I was sick of making things up or feeling embarrassed. why should I be embarrassed or uncomfortable? So, I started either answering honestly or just saying I thought it a rude and personal question and not answering. Let them feel awkward, not me!

Ok, back to work.