Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Gin for definite, blasted and teary. Ideal combo for this type of news.

Your witty reply was perfect. Did she choke?

Tante ? DF had his test today. He just went to the hospital toiled, did the job (thinking of England) and handed it over to a lady at the counter. He just had to make sure they knew what it was as it has to be tested fresh, when the little buggers are still wagging their tails. (In our hospital the sperm testing place is where blood tests are). He didn?t actually have to go to the GP to get a referral ? it was enough that I went and got it for him.

I?ve been thinking about these seduction timing strategies myself. Me ?night person, him ? early (and I mean it EARLY!) person. That leaves us with early evenings (but we usually come back late from work) or late weekend mornings (when I was once rejected for a lawnmower and a couple of times for Tesco delivery!! That should probably make me think...)
We?re off on hols soon though ? I?m planning to turn into a goddess of spontaneous sex!

I hate these pregnancy announcements (and then I hatte myself for being so selfish - what child would like a selfish mother?)
A firend from my team at work recently anounced her pregnancy. So now I'll have to listen to all the details for the next 8 months! I'm really trying to be supportive but sometimes wish she was hit by bad morning sickness and just stayed at home! I'm a bad person...

How are you ladies doing tonight? Gin or veggie smoothies? I've given up gining up alcohol. Or rather moved it to Feb - it's shorter :)

Well done your DH (what a man's gotta do, eh?). Not the least humiliating thing he'll ever have to do, but so worth it in the long run. It's easy to make jokes about tests like that but I'd hate to have to goin through it - just imagine having to go to hospital for a very specific wank, on demand.

Booze here in a bit, and going out on the razzle tomorrow night. Tempting fate, really. I might have brie as well.

Well done Mr Chocolatemolehill, what a trooper. As you say Jars, wanking on demand to a satifactory conclusion in a hospital would not be that easy. Laughed at being rejected for a lawnmower. Hope it was shiny

Lemonade for me this evening. Had a shit week at work this week, but still had EWCM today so got leg over tonight, fingers crossed gals. I thought the window was shut so great to find it was ajar.

Speaking of jars, razzle away, maybe fate needs tempted. Enjoy!

I'm off for hols - hopefullly will get my OPK smiley during that time as holiday sex is supposed to be more relaxed and fruitful!

Good luck with all your stuff

Oh enjoy your hols, choc - am jealous!
I was always pleasantly surpried that as a ttc-er I never got the anger/grief/jealousy thing when others announced their pregnancies. Was so relieved!

And yet now, in the last couple of months...I have started to feel exacly that. Especially recently, when honestly! It is every time I log onto FB, every time someone calls me I haven't talked to in a month, etc. And one was a surprise, after 3 weeks of being together, two of the biggest assholes in history who will split up in a week. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!

Have done quite well on the booze front this weekend - 3 glasses of wine, not all together! (Would usually be that in bottles easily)

Have been babysitting for my firend today - 6 month old lovely little boy ahhhhh! He is gorgeous. Could just eat him!

Hope that leg over does the job, folic

Chocs away Choc- happy holiday shagging!

Tante I think preganancies do seem to go in big rashes of them...like none for ages and then suddenly everyone. Do people know you are TTC? 3 weeks of being together though. That's a fecker.

Big pats on back to you. Well done on the lack of booze front. I have been an angel too :)

Can I ask you gals, what do you do about holidays and stuff? Are you still planning ahead? I was planning on going on a boozy weekend break with friend but she wants to book it for October. I can't help but wonder if I shouldn't incase I'm in uptheduffsville , but then maybe I should plan as can't put life on hold for an indefinite time?

Well I am fully expecting a visit from AF in the next couple of says - unwelcome guest that she is. I am drinking whiskey to forget she exists!

Bottoms up Auntie Doris don't offer her one though so she feels unwanted and won't return.

Have a good hols, choc!

Folic, I dunno. October's ages away. Can you suggest getting a better deal by booking last minute, in September?

I had a great night last night and got utterly shitfaced a bit plastered drunk last night and weirdly, today my boobs hurt. I may have slept on my front, though, so chicken counting not allowed in case of hatching. Plus, I'm not due on until the 25th.

The problem I have re symptom spotting is that this is the first time since I was 17 that I have had proper, pill-free periods. I came off the pill last time, had freaky 50 cycles, had DS, had a coil fitted, had that out because I didn't get on with it and only now am I actually getting to know what my normal pre-menstrual stuff is.

So apparently I get nausea, bloating, cramps, mood swings, sugar cravings etc round about now but ALL THE FRIGGING SYMPTOMS ARE THE SAME AS EARLY PG SYMPTOMS! Ahem. Sorry for shouting. I do think nausea as part of PMS is just Not Cricket, though.

No chance for me tonight: DH is downstairs watching Time Cop, FFS. I mean, really.

Auntie D, are you sure? That sucks. Whisky will get us through. Although let me just neck this Alka Selzer first...

Hmm, hard ones about the hols I know what you mean. Tbh, I am booking away left right and centre for holidays, etc - I just think that I will adapt, and if it is something I really can't go on, I won't mind losing a flight/deposit.

Suppose it depends if it's a weekend in Paris or New York!

I don't like to feel like my life is on hold,and despite scorning superstition from every angle, am too afraid to tempt fate.

folic a couple of people know we are ttc, but in a very casual way like 'oh, cheeky us, we are playing fast and loose with the contraception, no biggie either way'. Not that I am up to my eyeballs in gynae appts and folic acid.

BTW, if any of you had a gynae referral, how long did it take? I have been to first appt, then had a pelvic scan in first week of Dec, and am now waiting on appt to discuss results. Is this ages to be waiting, or does it just feel like that?

Ooo let's talk hols! Where can I go at Easter for some sun? This weather is messing with my head! (and libido!)

PS totally know what you mean about pg symptoms - must be in my 9th trimester now lol

Tante, I'm no good with hols but I have had a gynae referral: it took weeks & weeks. I started looking into why I have abdominal pain this time last year and my first appointment was in May. The next one was in August, and the follow-up was in November. I'm not being investigated for infertility yet, but I've got a second follow-up in May again if I'm not knocked up by then. If that's the case, they'll do a laporoscopy to see if it's endometriosis [terrified].

I have lovely fake pg symptoms this month: boobs still really sore. I am going to go & buy sticks to pee on in bulk on Fri as I am due on on Mon, and will be testing like a deluded ninny daily as I have nooooooooooo willpower (willpower for me is waiting until Friday even though that is stupidly early to test).

Where do you fancy for your hols? Culture, heat or a combination?

So, I've just joined mumsnet specifically for this thread.

I have to admit, I haven't read it all(but frankly Bloofer had me at "flange water" back on page five)so I don't know if I'm at all in the right place.

I'm just going to put it all out there and you can all tell me if I've judged it all wrong.

I've been TTC for four years and just had first cycle of IVF. I've got another ten days to wait until I can test and it's really tedious. I've been casting around for folk to talk to, who might have an idea of what it feels like, but all I can find is fertility forums full of babydust and hugs and maddening euphemisms (Vagina! Vagina! Vagina! See, the sky doesn't fall in if you say it)

So, if I've just shocked and offended everyone here, I'll get my coat.

But if this might just be a place where a complete newbie could have a chat to pass the time of day without twee sentiment, I'll pull up a stool and someone make me a chanpagne classic.

Welcome! We have no baby dust but you can have jagermeister (you know, that drink with the gold bits in) if you like.

Hell, it's 5 o'clock somewhere...

Hurrah!

Thank you

Quiet around here.

Phoebe me dear, welcome. Fanny fanny fanny cock cock cock, shagging, periods, and jizz. Oh yeah. That's how we roll.

Sorry I haven't been around folks, been in Newcastle for work. I've had had some spotting but on Day 18/19 of cycle. Arse, I fear this may be the start of period outrageously early. my luteal phase is fucked. It's too early for implantation wotsit just incase you were thinking of doing that reassuring thing.

Tante, what kinda of holiday are you looking for, and I'll give you my tuppence worth...for what it's worth

Folic, what a fucking glorious welcome. Thank you.

And thanks for letting me crash your thread. I know I should be over on the assisted conception thread, but I've had a look and it's a bit intimidating (and there is some babydust around). I feel like a fraud listening to other IVFers, because I under responded so much (two eggs, one embryo after maximun dose and duration stimulation) that I haven't really had any side effects. The whole thing feels a bit anti-climatic and, as you can probably tell, I don't hold out much hope of it having worked.

So, day 7 of 16 waiting and the highlight of today is that someone is coming to clear my gutters (that's not a euphemism, there really is a man coming to clear the dirt out of my gutters)so I need distraction.

Folic, about your October weekend, I started out trying to plan for - what if I'm pregnant then? - the whole time and just found it added to the frustration. I say just book whatever you want to. If you get pregnant, you won't care much about a cancelled weekend and if you don't you'll have a great weekend to enjoy.

Tante, was your appointment general gynae or reproductive medicine/fertility? We were referred directly to reproductive medicine and there was a long wait for the first appointment,but after that it was all really quick. Also, holidays, I love browsing for them and have time on my hands. What are you looking for for you Easter holiday; I can be your own personal travel agent (that sounds a bit weird when I know nothing about you, doesn't it? Sorry. But the offer still stands)

Hmmmm, well you could be one of those lucky ones. I've known people to have conceived with their very last egg etc so chin up. At least you know you are well prepared, with clean gutters and everything.

I will look at weekends away this very evening.

I am also doing things like worryng that don't have any enough money saved up so therefore that's why it ain't happening. I am a rational woman and this is nonsensical thinking.

Yeah, I know. As one of three insanely chirpy people who did my embryo transfer said: "It only takes one!"

But, then they also congratulated me on having filled my bladder really well(ummm, thanks?)

I'd say I'm a rational woman too, mostly, but I think this whole process drives you to nonsensical thinking. So, a balanced, sensible, sucessful, happy woman ends up a nutjob who does seven pregnancy tests in five days (My personal record. All negative. Obviously.)

How long have you been at it, if you don't mind me asking?

Oi, nutjob, PhoebeC, respect for the 7 in 5 days. I have not been at it v long but am under the doc for poss endometriosis.

I bought 4 tests last night (from t'pound shop, not made of money) and used one up last night. 4 days before I am even due on. Fuckin' idiot. Please tell me to NOT go & POAS this afternoon and that if I do I am a fuckwit of the highest order.

God, I really need my gutters cleaning. It's been a long winter...

Folic, I shan't reassure you as it'll jinx you if I do (see, we're all at it), but will wordlessly sling the bottle of sloe gin down the bar at you. And no, savings or lack thereof don't matter, no matter how tempting it is to get really superstitious. Right, off to encourage magpies to pair up so I don't see single ones.

A friend's sister has just had (another accidental) baby. Good for her! (Nnnnnnnnnnnngh)

Openerofjars, I don't think I know you well enough to call you a fuckwit, yet, but do not pee on another stick tonight, it's a waste (even of pound shop ones) Listen to the voice of experience, if it's negative you'll tell yourself that it's because it's not early morning and you'll still do another tomorrow.

Also, if you let yourself test again you could end up like this, even crazier than me, woman - www.peeonastick.com/about.html

I really believe there are many genuinely accidental babies, at least not in over 30s, just expressions of subconscious desire or people who don't admit to trying.

Sorry, that should be "I don't really believe" in the last line. D'oh.

Don't be a fuckwit Jars. Give it the four days if you can. Sloe gin is a favourite I agree with Phoebe, I don't think many accidents are actually accidents, not at this age (if she is indeed in her thirties). Find a stick and bite it hard.

PhoebeC just under a year roughly. I have a short luteal phase (self diagnosed) and have not been to the docs yet. Another bit of madness. I know I should.

Okay, I have actual sloe gin & have just had a controlled row discussion with DH about moving house (on the market for ten months now). Hence the sloe gin. But we are still friends, and still TTC, so a nil-nil draw, I think .

I bloody LOVE peeonastick woman. She rationalises so well, doesn't she? The colour scheme is a dead giveaway, though.

Thank you for the tough love: sticks remain unpeed on. Willpower and all that.

Hi ladies! I have been keeping a low-profile recently - trying 'not to think about it' - it isn't working.

I too have been trying to make my husband think I can't resist him at the moment - it's definitely a better tactic than explaining about the EWCM. This way, I get what I want and he doesn't feel like an unpaid sperm donor. Win-win.

He was still a bit surprised when I demanded 'right here, right now' on the living room carpet last night. He tried to call my bluff before he realised I wasn't joking..

+++++++

In RL I've been TT and zen-like recently. Can I join you for a virtual breakfast Chardonnay though? It is Sunday..