Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Hi, Folicacid, thanks.

Bloody men. Was just falling asleep last night when it turned out he wasn't so scared after all.

Idiot.

[relief emoticon]

I think back to work might be part of it for DH as well, though: we are both knackered after this week. Plus, I don't think he realised that we only really get a couple of fertile days per month: you get told for years that you can get pg AT ANY TIME so must wear four condoms and cross your fingers and take the MAP if you even so much as kiss that finding out there's a window of four bloody days if that comes as a shock.

How's everyone doing, eh?

I know, it's funny all the years of thinking you can get pregnant at any time and even if his waves his willy close to the entrance. Sheesh. Then you fing out actually an egg only lives for about 12 hours. I mean what??

I'm on a health kick so feeling good this weekend. I may not be welcome on this thread though with my not drinking...although insaying that, then you'd just be talkign to self.

I hope OP comes back soon.

Hi Ladies!

Can I join as well please?
Just as soundofherwings I also joined another, very dusty forum, where sex is called baby dancing (hate this! It sounds too much like a virgin Mary and not enough liek the good old enjoyable activity which can actually involve an orgasm) and period doesn't seem to exist.

I'm also planning to gove the old January-off-booze a go. I did it once in the past so definitely know the benefits but... All the nice reds and flavoured vodkas... And what if we're actually successful this month? This woudld mean I'd not have a drink for the next year! If this is not scary then I don't know what is! :o

Hiya Chocmolehill

Welcome! This thread has quietened down a lot in the past week or so so it doesn't move very fast but please stay! We don't BD. Uh uh.

Where are you in the ole TTC journey?

I've been struck by a bit of a low this week as I realised that if somethung doesn't happen soon, then won't be a mother in 2011. Don't feel too great about that.

Anyway, new year and a bit of positivity...

Hi Chocmolehill (fab name), how are you? No baby dancing here, thank goodness. Does that phrase remind anyone else of Ally McBeal?

FolicAcid, you've got a while yet, lass. And even if you don't conceive a 2011 baby, you could still spend most of this year pg. Chin up.

I think we've missed the window this month, despite valiant efforts to catch up. Both of us are too tired tonight, plus it feels weird, me festering DH. It's normally the other way round, poor sod.

How's everyone else doing?

Festering? Festering? Excuse me, predictive text, but I think pestering would be slightly less grim. Yuck.

I don't fester. It's the one thing I never do.

Jars, I laughed at festering. No wonder you guys are not up to it ;)

I know what you mean all is not lost but with work, stress, blah blah it feels a bit of a task, unless we get very military about it. When we have done that in the past then H gets a bit of performance anxiety so it's always got to feel like it's not with a purpose other than to feel good.

I know what you mean. But doesn't a tiny, weeny, little mean bit of you ever want to mutter that his part of the bargain is actually not v difficult, unpleasant or time-consuming and that you're going to be doing the actual hard work (DH last night: "Oh, if we must...". Me: "Go on, it'll be a laugh")? I have thought that in my worst moments. But it doesn't help things at all.

I might try and repackage it, e.g: "Hey, guess what tomorrow is? It's the start of National Sex Week!", or similar.

Thanks for a warm welcome!

Can't believe I didn't think about Ally McBeal dancing baby! Hope it's a sign I'm not that desperate (or not that bright...) :)

As to the TTC - we decided to give it a go a year ago. And, to my great surprise (I have a long history of hormonal problems so wasn't even sure I could have children) I fell pregnant the first month! That ended in an early miscarriage though :(
Then I had a couple of dodgy smears which I had to sort out so now we've been trying again for (very frustrating) four months.
I'm too impatient for this! (which makes me wonder what kind of mother I'd be...)

How about you?

It's so true what you are saying about sex wwhen TTC - it feels like s a bit of a task sometimes. Before starting TTC I would have been up for it even every day, now I sometimes catch mysels feeling "thank god it's already after ovulation". Not good... Plus trying to maintain the appearences of seduction when it's really the ovulation calculator...

Jars, I know what you mean, but I spose when it all gets a bit perfunctory in a we must way it loses a bit of the appeal! If only you could get pregnant with a very close wank.

Chocs, I have been using a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility so always obsessing have an eye on my cervical fluid (nice) and have started overdosing out of desperation taking Vit B6 and EPO. I think I have a short luteal phase but I'm too chicken to go to doctor at mo. I know I know. So trying to take things into own hands.

I also started taking temperatures this month. It's a PITA remembering every morning. You can't do anything before, get up, go for a pee, nuthin.

So trying to recapture some of the sex just for fun this month and see where that takes us. This week coming is my fertile window. Best wash it and get the best curtains up just incase I get visitors.

Folicacid - I like overdosing stuff so it sounds interesting. EPO is Evening Primrose Oil, yes? It rings a bell - but what does it actually do? I googled it and found the following benefits:

• reduce symptoms of alcohol withdrawal and help prevent liver & central nervous system damage from alcohol (could be good for overdosing :))
• treatment and prevention of multiple sclerosis
• helping eczema and psoriasis
• diabetic neuropathy (WTF?)

All sounds good but where the baby comes in all this? :)

My alcohol-free January is not going that well. Got plastered on Saturday and cured myself ith a glass of red on Sunday. I'm hoping that a nice veg smoothie today will ballance it out :)

Dunno if that'll stop you drinking, or just put you off vegetables...

I am trying to inveigle DH between the sheets tonight. He is clearly not bovvered. I know, I'll dress up as a Playstation. Or Lara Croft. Yeah, that ought to do it. Grr.

openerofjars - if playstation doesn't work try a six-pack :)

Had a double veggie smoothie - now I'm in credit for another wine!
(Almost as good as the rosotto excuse :o)

Chocs EPO helps your cervical fluid get, well, more fluidy and more receptive to sperm so good to take in first part of cycle. Apparently. I haven't noticed a difference yet. Hmmmm.

Good luck with the dressing up as an inanimate object Jars

Ah ladies I am glad to see the thread moving again!

Was getting depressed every time I clicked 'I'm on' and saw my own name as last poster

I have stopped mentionning sex as anything to do with baby-making. This sounds utterly ridiculous, but it was drving e slowly insane and I am sure my DH was going the way of many others (a sort of suspicion that any time I got a bit, er, frisky (does anyone use this word any more? Or am I in 1983?) it was nothing to do with him at all, and because I was thinking about prams and bottles and rattles, if that makes any sense?
Sort of like I was faking attraction to get what I want.

Boh of us know this is bollocks, and he wants a baby as much as me, but it ort of falls into this weird twilight zone of madness...

So now we pretend we are just hot for each other 24/7 and it's great!
Downside of getting pg - this will not continue, DH

Hope y'all have a great day!

Got all confused with my bracket use, there (), (...etc!

Folicacid - I tried some kind of disgusting cough syrup for the same purpose last month. The Primrose thing sounds much more appealing - may give it a go.

Jars - did he buy the Lara thing?

Tante -hello from a newbie :)
We sort of do a similar thing a bit. I use OPKs, he knows I use them and then we don't mention it too much. Let's se how long it lasts before we have to try some kind of SM outfits to get things going :)

Tante! Was getting worried, bird. I know exactly what you mean re ulterior motives and in fact DH & I had a talk about this very subject last night (so there was no dressing up, nor even as Lara), but he also - TMI alert - thinks he has thrush, which I had last month, curtailing activities. This means I probably still have it too, and the Window Of Hope slammed shut yesterday anyway, so it's not my month this time. Hey ho, never mind etc .

Cough syrup? Do tell. Can it be any brand, or does it have to be, say, Buttercup Syrup? Am intrigued.

Right, off to make sandwiches, iron shirts etc.

Jars - the syrup has to be for chesty coughs (with guaifensin) - can be Robitusin or Benylin or anything else. They help to loosen the stuff you normally cough out. And doing that they also loosens all other bodily fluids, CM included. Cheep and cheerful :)

Joining in the sex-and-germs theme - I went to a GP today (decided to tackle the fertility issues head-on :)) and got a referral for lots of blood test (for my dodgy hormones) and some STD-kind of infections (just screening! :)). And my DF got a nice plastic cup for his stuf. What a turn-on!

Are we all drinking cough syrup for kicks now as we are pretending to have given up drinking? Fair enough

Perhaps there should be some kind of NCT sale for kinky outfits and fetish wear for those ttc!

Does it make you think about those first 6 months when you got together and shagged like bejaysus couldn't keep your hands off each other and were precious about contraception?

What a waste of unbridled rogering! If I knew what I know now...would definitely save myself the embarassment of having to ask pharmacist friend to get me the MAP one Sunday morning in the early days

jars poo about the thrush. Ever glamourous, eh?

chocolate what does your DF do with the cup? (I mean, I know what it's for, but where does he bring it?) DH has an appt to arange this with GP and hasn't a clue about the procedure. I have told him all sorts of bollocks about pornos in the waiting room and having to do it in front of the nurse so that she knows it is actually yours heh heh.

He is so unused to doctors that he believes nearly anything until he engages his brain.. Great fun.

Right, off to do the shirt ironing/healthy lunch making thing as well.

Night, ladies!

Hey folks,

To steal Bloofer Lady's chat: I'm mizz.

My partner works shifts, weird times so we are always out of sync and have to make moer effort than even a normal average couple. It makes things difficult. Like you Jars I am seeing the window of opp slamming shut and it's just not doable. He's getting ratty, pressured and we are not shagging. And we all now the opne thng you have to do to make a baby. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Then what will happen is that I am not going to instigate now, and be pissed off.

I think we need a few months off. Give me a chance to get healthier anyway and take the pressure off.

I've also been taking my temperature wrong with my new basel body therm (how stupid and useless at this shit can I be?) so the last week has been a bit pointless.

Tante being hot for each other 24/7 sounds ace.

Jars

Choc I got big capsules of 1000mg EPO from superdrug and have been necking them. Not dear.

I just read somewhere on here that it might work better to shag 2 or 3 x per week, as sperm can live for 3 days and if you overdo it you can get a) carpet burn b) bored and c) sperm concentrations that make school orange squash look like Sunny D.

So we are going to try and manage it every couple if days or so (which will be a big improvement anyway). DH has the face on atm as he thinks I've mistaken him for that Damien Lewis (drool).

So IKEWYM, Folic ol' chum. DH doesn't work shifts, he just got Call of Duty Black Ops for Xmas...

PMSL @ Tante's DH getting it out for the nurse...

Night night all, just off to -neck- -Benylin- bed.

Ah folic don't worry - I think many people are in the same situation. My DH works shifts too, so actually through total opportunity, we will clock up an amazing 1 shag in 7 days this week. We just aren't in the same room at the same time to allow any more!

Thn it really does put the pressure on to get swinging like a good 'un on the one day left!

I used to leave it until bed time. This was terrible as he is a night owl and I go to bed earlier (get up earlier as well, knackered by then). So I would be waiting upstairs whilst he dicked around did nothing downstairs, which would end up with me shouting down the stairs and getting all rejected when he took ages to come up. By that stage I was in a huff and he was arsey and it all descended in to 'how are we ever going to have a baby if you don't...' whinge whinge.

Just read that back - fuck sake! How unsexy! I'd rather not bother!

So after a chat, my new technique is when kissing him hello when he/I come in from work, I just pretend to get all 'ooo, hang on a minute, seeing you all tired and stressy looking from work has suddenly turned me AWWWN! ' and get a bit steamier with the kiss. And off we go!

He seems incapable of turning this down as it seems so 'spontaneous'. Reader, it is not

Whilst always enjoyable (and I can't say it hasn't put a spring in my step!), it is about 9/10 THE LAST THING I feel like doing at the time. However, it then let's me get on with my evening and go to bed when I want and sleep

HAve never admitted any of the above to anyone, sssshhhhh don't tell Mr Tante! (Or 'Oncle', as I suppose he technically should be)

Have a nice day!

Tante, your post cheered me up no end, although I have to draw the line at calling your partner Oncle. It makes me feel seedy.

I cannot believe that he falls for that everytime. Simple souls men eh. I took a leaf out of your book though this eve. I did the lingering kiss when he got up tonight, but he is just about to leave for work so no chance for that, but at least it paves the way for tomorrow.

Got a fair bit of the ole EWCM today so it's a bummer I can't do owt with it. I wish sometimes he could have a jizz in a cup and leave it with me. Ha. not really. Well......maybe.

Thnaks Jars me dear. All will be well.

Fuck me, 2 more pg announcements today.

But it's myyyyyyyyyyyy tuuuuuuuurrrrrrrnnnnnn!

Was IBU to respond to my 21yo cousin's queries about when I would be announcing any imminent sproggage with, "Round about the time you get a job!".

Gin?