Ancient Egypt; where the regal BESH barge floats gently in De Nile.

[owlboots]

Glittering seductively in the evening sun, crewed by swarthy slaves, waited on hand and foot by bare-chested manservants bearing a rudimentary form of gin.

We have golden temples decorated with hieroglyphs for sacrificial offerings (and woo from the soothsayers) if required, and The Pit is full of asses? milk.

So, put on your eye make-up that goes out as far as your ears and jewellery so weighty it leaves dents in your head and step out to survey the peasants on the banks.

Come join the 30s TTC if your womble is as ancient and crumbly as Tutankhamen! Egypt; the thread where everyone eventually gets to be a mummy whether they like it or not.

Ski that genuinely made me larf lots. Thanks. Not that I'm glad your clothes got pissed on or anything...but you know! Wot is UBIs pliz?

UBI = Unidentified Beer Injury.

You know. Like the next day when you find a pebble, a piece of kebab AND a blood scab in your ear.

Aaah. I had perpetually bruised knees and shins in my early twenties for those reasons. NO! NOT for THOSE reasons!

Am looking into Amazon preseed.

I must confess to feeding Mr Shoes rather a lot of salads covered liberally with pumpkin seeds. As I knew damn well he wouldn't take vitamin supplements. There's a woman on one of the other freds who was grinding up the tablets and sprinkling them in her husband's dinner

I once got two massive bruises on the back of my upper thighs after an exceptionally drunken night out. Took me ages to work out what they were; turns out I'd sat down rather heavily on the bog when I got in and I bruise easily when drunk. Classy, oh yes.

Ariel don't get the evil applicator sort, that just cannot be right (and is damn expensive). It comes in a normal tube too.

What, so you just squirt some out on your finger and shove it up? As it were?

owlie I used the applicators -gets the stuff where it needs to go. Fairly fuss free but Aries go easy on the quantity or your dh will think you're VERY excited (or peeing yourself). Actually now I remember it, I shoved it up there and then went and lay down or it would fall out so my tip is put it in as the very last thing you do before getting under the covers (or on the kitchen table).

Well the big appointment was a right anti climax. Don't know what I thought would happen after I took Alpinefresh's advice (the check this bitch out bit didn't go down to well but I'm sure the doctor has heard worse) MS is quite excited about wanking into a tube & I've got an appointment at the fertility place in January.

You lot made me laugh today when I was sneakily reading this at my desk and ordering preeseed and pollen on line I think I'm going to have organise a desk move so I can MN away in peace without fear of being seen!

I fell into a ditch once when I was drunk.

Glad you've got appointments set up sunnyjim
I once fell down a flight of stairs rat arsed and had spectacular bruises on my legs for weeks which made people gasp in a Topshop changing room

I've just seen in my last post I wrote to when I meant too. This is completely inexcusable - pliz feel free to berate me, mock me and hand out plenty of Chinese burns

Just been watching the shark attack news in Sharm el Sheikh, I went their on honeymoon in May and did a lot of dip sea scuba diving and mid ocean reef snorkelling. My blood is running cold!

Also watched this and have tracked it down on youtube for your listening pleasure

Um that was a deliberate there, their, they're mistake to make sunnyD feel better honest

Bitey, apparently the sharks have appeared there because of the idiot Egyptians dumping livestock carcasses in the sea. They "don't know whether the incidents are connected". WTF? I know! Let's just catch a couple of sharks! That's reassure people. No fuckitt - let's kill ALL sharks.

Gggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Bitey

Just whilst we are on a TV rant - Kirsty Allsop - take your egg box decorations & fuck off.

Kisrtys Handmade by someone else she payed a fortune to Home. Gets my goat so it does. (I have just completed hand appliqued cushion cover as housewarming/thankyou/xmas gift for our xmas hosts, feel very proud and FU Kirsty)

Pleased you have some new stuff going on YouAreTheSunshineOfMyLife and bless MS for JIAP excitement. I think TGB would be all Britishly embarrassed about it.

In UDI news, my most significant incident was a broken nose when SIL (yes the perma-diff pre-kids and therefore still alchofriendly fun) kicked me in the face during a mis-timed star gazing manouvre. We still aren't 100% sure how exactly it happened and it took quite some time the next day to realise it wasn't just a black eye. Have also broken the heel off 2 lively pairs of shoes in drunken dancing incidents. One was my beloved Manolos. Wine is evil. But slso so gooood.

I appear to be slightly addicted to 'The Walking Dead' and having just watched last Fridays' episode am now desperate for more zombie gore.

Best thing about KMA is the impression of her by Debra Whatsername, "I wasn't born, I was knitted"

@ egyptians/carcasses/sharks.

Some years ago I went away skiing and left my nag in the "capable" hands of a local farmer & friend. Nag didn't take too kindly to new surroundings & went menkul not to put too fine a point on it. Rather than keeping things calm & quiet, farmer's friend brings around elderly father for a "look-see". Father drops to floor with heart attack, emergency helicopter called in from Germany (roads closed due to snow). Old man died at the scene and I doubt the heli improved my horse's state of mind much either. Veh embarrassing. "Thanks for looking after my horse, sorry about yer dad and everyfink. Stick 'o' rock?".

sunshine He's looking forward to it? Most of them are horrified about having to JIAP - you get around it by talking about NURSES and UNIFORMS and NURSES and stuff like that.

Am at office - no wee today.

PMSL at "stick'o rock" but at old geezer.
I tried a CBdigi this morning - 3+ . I'll stop now.

It's the way you tell 'em, Alps

Don't stop yet milano we can send them to ladyG to craft a christmas wretah out of. I haven't weed on anything for ages am too afraid of getting a negative and an ensuing meltdown.

Aries apparently it was an Autralian ship that dumped the sheep and cattle carcasses. You'd think they'd know better! But yes am very at the killing of a protected species to encourage tourism. Also daily heil ( I know I shouldn't have looked) has picture of a great white ala jaws to spread the fear a bit more.

[hgrin] at truffs broken nose story. I went through a spate of coming home with fingerprint bruises on my upper arms. FDH and I were mystified how they got there until I saw a photo on facebook of me falling over and FDH catching me by gripping my upper arms both as drunk as lords. At least it wasn't aliens and at least I wasn't probed.

I shall amend my my tale to "idiot Australians". Sorry, Egyptians. It was a mako actually . But hey that looks like a great white, right? And most people are stupid, right?

I can't believe the number of alcoholically induced injuries here

I fell off the prom whilst pissed at uni. Fell asleep on the beach (needed a little nap innit). Woke up, hailed a taxi. A couple of days later in the shower discovered a tumour in my ear. Actually it was a small pebble. But it could've been a tumour. Friend jumped off the halls of residence and broke his arm, we all told him to stop being a whiny twat and go to bed. Casualty the next morning brought a plaster cast.

I'm just relieved that no one has blamed a certain barge for throwing piss sticks and the remains of captain Jack over board!

Tee hee. Has Cap'n Jack actually expired now from over-shagging? Shame...

Poor buggers. It's not their fault they are so evil looking with their 3 rows of teeth and tiny staring eyes.

but ARGH at the broken lovely shoes.

Can I also add my FU Kirsty vote here pliz? She is damn annoying. My home has wrecked sofa, shit carpet, kitchen with ceiling falling down in bits, asbestos garage also falling down and I say fuck it, I shall put up some fairy lights and a tree and it will all be fine. Bollocks to her!

Aries perhaps you can persuade Mr Aries to insert it, as part of the 'fun'. This is why the applicator stuff fails in my opinion as far too medical plus as Milano rightly points out you need to lie down immediately or it will probably all fall out. Ew. Ew. Ew.

I'm up to 9 piss-sticks so far and will probably buy some more today as am still convinced this is all going to go tits up at some point. I have them all numbered and sitting in a row in a drawer so I can menkul over whether lines are stronger or fainter. milano if you're getting 3+ you must be quite a long way along - how far, pray tell? I daren't go for a digital one as last time I did that it came up 2-3 when I was supposedly 7 weeks and I knew something was wrong :(

I am wearing exclusively white knickers owlie to better enable my obsessive gusset checking. Ginormous buzzwams and vomitting like herself from the excorcist this morning should be an indication that it is a baybee and not just wind but I don't think I'm going to believe it until the end of July when he or she appears!

at skihorses ear tumour tale!