TTC after a Miscarriage - Let This Be Our Lucky Thread!!!

[Diddle]

Right Ladies, lets hope this helps speed up our ability to read and type more messages and help and support one another through these tough times.

This thread is for laughing at, crying at, screaming at, bawling at!!

We've all been through so much, and together we can get one another through it. Lets Do It!!!!!!

Here's to weeks of Bd and legs in the air

Love and positive hugs to you all.

xxx

Oh sweetheart!
Right first of all go and get your self some tissue, swill ur face and make yourself a nice cup of tea with some choccy biscuits!
With all these emotions running through your head you ahev been surpressing them! I can see that with your humour it's a defense mechanism and that inside you are hurting so much and you almost dont want to admit to yourself that you are in pain. this is why it's good to let it allout hun! You have lost a baby that you longed for and now there is a gap that you want/need to fill in order for you to be happy! You really need to sit down with hubbie and tell him exactly how you feel but also try (i know it iwll be harD) and think why it is he doesn't want another baby! Has he actually said a reason in which he doesn't? Does he know how you truly feel or have you only touched on the surface of your feelings?
It is perfectly natural to have these feelings hun, have you given yourslef enough time to grieve? Have you at all? You need to!
About feeling that DH is your soulmate, there is no cliche in that, i feel that about my DP! you are feeling very insecure at the moment and you are going to be feeling like DH is against you but u really need to find out deep down what is going on in his head and he also needs to know what you are going through!
People can say that they have spoke about it, btu have you really spoke about it and been completely honest and open, spoke from the heart, dont hold anything back - but dont argue or raise your voice!
Maybe he needs to know what in your heart CH!!!
You need to carryon talking otherwise u will send urself crazy! And i dont want that! x
Love ya xxxx

When i said that there is gap that you want/need to fill in order to be happy I mean that you feel that you need to fill it for you to be happy. This is not tha case, you are still grieving hun, you are going to feel like this! It's natural and for you DH to deny you the oppourtunity to TTC again straight away is hurting you cos u want to replace what you have lost!

Does that make sense?

LL you've really got me going now...

Dh and I have spoken at great length about his and my feelings and I told him all the reasons why I want another baby. But now you've come to mention it I don't think he has given me a real reason why he doesn't want the same as me. I know he has issues with providing, money and the stress that comes with having a family, but he hasn't actually said this, just skimmed over it.

I do respect his feelings, I mean that, but does he understand my desperation? I really don't know...

we are in stalemate right now, and we don't know where to turn. Whoever gets their way, the other is going to feel hurt and resentful...and that person will be me - it always is... I hurt so much, my heart is aching with the pain of losing my baby, feelin glet down by th epeople around me I thought cared and now dealing with not being able to have the one things that would make my life complete.

I don't want to replace the baby I lost - after all , he or she would have developed an individual character and looks that I couldn't produce again. But I know that I hgave gone head long into wanting another straight away because I want to go back to that place I was before I lost baby. I want that future back, the plans I had made the hopes I had...

See, you need to get DH to open up to you, if you have to him that it's only fair huni that he respect you enough to do the same!

Can i ask you a question without you being hurt or wonder why i'm asking it??????

Why do you want another baby? I know thats a really awful question to ask but you'll see where i'm going with it!

You feel that your on you own now dont you? Well your not, there are so many people out there that care sooooo much for you but in times like having a M/C some people really dont ahve a clue what to say and it results in you feeling like your on you own with no support! Well you will always have us! And maybe the people that aren't giving you the support you need, you shud talk to them if you feel you can! you need as much support around you at the mo! If people aren;t offereing it it's only because they dont know how to treat you! I felt the same when i had my M/C but was soooo thankful that i found Diddle on here, she helped me sooo much (along with others) cos i cud let myself go and say what i wanted! This is why u need to be sad if you want to be!

And those plans will come again hun! You need to get to a place with DH that he truly understands what this means to you and he should get on board but it need to be clarified as to why he doesn't want another baby!

The post about replacing, i knew that came out as waffle, i didn;t mean that you want to replace the baby you lost, i was thinknig more about the feeling, to be having another baby as it's what you want so much!

Oh god, maybe i shud shut up! Spade, hole, spade hole big huge hole! neck deep into!

oh CH - hope u don't mind me saying it but u're just how I was after my M/C it didn't hit me till about 3 weeks after either we had terrible rows at the time, poor DH just took everyhting I was saying and shouting at him about how he didn't care, but believe me honney, your DH will be hurting just as much as u are now, u need to grieve together for ur baby.

From a mans point of view thou, my DH told me, he was upset, but a) was being strong for me, b) he did care and it was killing him just as much and c) in the nicest possible way he ment this we could carry on TTC and take as long as it took but he only has one me, so that's what he was thankful for.

I guess what i'm saying is don't be too hard on ur DH u both need to talk it thru there will be tears there will be good days and bad, but u will see hte good times and hopefully the sun will come back out for u.

(((((((((((group hugs))))))))))) for all u girls right now, I wish I could wave a wand an help u all get PG, I honestly do. ((((hugs)))))

You are not the only person to ask me the real reasons why I want a baby. There have been many...

But there are lots of reasons why I do. Before I tell you those reasons I must tell you, as I said before, that I have wanted another for well over a year. But wanting a baby now so desperately is, I know, because I feel an eptiness i feel i need to fill. But I am coming to terms with that feeling slowly. However, once i do come to terms with that, it won't mean i don't want anoither baby full stop.

Anyway (sorry about spelling BTW, bored with keep correcting myself!), the reasons I want another baby, where to start:

I love the 3 i've got so much. they make me laugh, proud, happy beyond comparison, wanted, they give me perpose, i love doing all i can for them. I would do anything for them. And they are my first reason, because they are so amazing I want it again.

I have had trouble fitting inall my life. I was bullie dat school and in work. When I met my DH i finally found somebody who loved me for who I am, instead of one of the many people i tried to be. As a couple we created something amazing, and those littl ecreations love me unconditionally. I know this reason is a selfish one, but the love I get from my kids is overwhelming and I feel for once i am liked

Being a mum is all i know. Its my vocation. I think i'm good at it and i want to keep doing it. I'm not trained in anything else ao its my life.

And I'm scared of what comes after kids growing up....
I know all these reasons are selfish but I thinkwanting kids is a selfish act.

There are lots of reasons I want another baby, but i could bore you to tears and my fingers are aching now...

I try not to be hard on DH and I love so much. He is kind and caring, a fantastic dad (another reason for wanting another) and looks after all of us so well. I know its hard for him, but he has told me that losing this baby didn't hit him as hard as it did me because he wasn't thrilled to be having it anyway (although he was coming round to it). What did hurt him, and what is still hurting him is seeing me heartbroken and there is nothing he can do to bring that particular baby back to me.

CH, I think they are all good reasons. I don't think there is a reason for having children that isn't selfish, if it wasn't that way how could we ever become parents! (hope that make sense) It's only after you have them that you become self less in giving everything to them and they reward you be giving you so much to be proud of. I think LL is right about asking your DH to really talk to you about why he doesn't want any more children. It might just be concern for you. Maybe having a bit of time communicating and getting over your grief from this m/c will give both of you a clearer idea of want you really want. How long that is or needs to be, only you two know. I really hope you can find some peace and happyness cause you really are a special and lovely person. Whatever you do, don't rush your grief through, cause it'll only pop up again later......nasty thing.

BIG {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

yes agree about that please do confront everything now - I didn't after my first one and ended up twice as bad after my second.

((((hugs))))

I guess ur DH feels he's ment to protect u, and feels like he failed cos he didn't perhaps?

CH - you need to let all of your emotions out, bottling them up won't do you any good, if you need to cry, then cry. You've been through a lot, and you know what, if people think you're milking it thats their problem, you know that you need to go through the grieving process before you can feel happier.
I still get upset, DH and I still have a good cry even now and its been 5 months since our most recent m/c and 9 months since the first. The pain won;t just vanish.

Sounds to me like you're not happy with your decision with DH and that you're agreeing with him so he's happy, then at least one of you is. But if you're not happy with it you need to tell him. Sorry if that ws out of line, just got the feeling you weren't happy with it, hope you don;t mind.
Are you not trying at all, or are you just relaxing about it? in other words, are you using "protection" or just seeing what happens? could be that you relax about it and conceive. i'm sure once your dh got used to it he'd love a new baby.

What are his reasons for not wanting one?

You are all so good to me. I really don't know how I would have got this far without you. Thats why I couldn't stay away for very long.

I will try to talk to DH. Its difficult but will give it a go.

Got to go for a little while to do dinner. Will be back soon.

THANK YOU ALL ! Love you to bits {{{HUGS}}} xxxx

Diddle - hold that thought. Will answer very soon. Must do dinner... xxx

You're right Diddle, I'm not happy, but I want DH to be happy. If I didn't agree to waiting the other two options were to not TTC at all an dfor DH to have Vasectomy, or for me and DH to separate. He told me he couldn't stay with me if we were for ever making each other unhappy - I would resent him for not giving me the one thing I want, but he would resent me if I "made" him have another baby. I love DH too much for that to happen. I am unhappy to wait 6 months but its better than nothing and I am willing to wait the time...you never know he might change his mind...

Oh Coathanger - you got me crying now. your reasons are wonderful reasons to want tme a mum to another. You sound like a fantastic mum, your children are blessed.
I think all of my questions have been answered already. must get faster at typing and posting.

I totally agree with munz, my DH felt just the same. its tough for them, they do feel like they have to keep strong for us. And worrying about money and stress and the impact on the family is of course soemthing to worry about, but i'm sure nothing can compare to holding your own child in your arms . I too think you should try and gte him to open up a bit more, and there is no reason why you have to be the person to get hurt. Maybe he should be reading this, have you told him what you have told us?

I can't imagine being in that situation, its a no win. Nobody can win, but you know what, this is not about winning. This is about living your lives together happily. He must have pretty strong reasons for not wanting another, especially if the choices are as serious as splitting up. Who made those suggestions?? I can't imagine you did? I know its easy for me to say but i can't imagin being in your position where the choices are having a baby, a vasectomy or a divorce. It sounds like you both have a lot more talking to do. You're obviously not happy waiting for 6 months.
He might change his mind and i seriosuly hope he does. Coathanger i don't know what to say, i really don't, will have a think.

I totally understand you wanting DH to be happy, but you need to think of you and your family too, surely your happiness should be just as important to him, as his is to you.

Yes I have. Thats the thing. He is still holding fast. I just want to hear his real reasons...

I'm going to have to go again. Its getting a bit much. Will come back later, promise.

You are still fab BTW!! xxx

sorry honey, hope i haven't upset you. Its easy for us to comment on here, but we nobody knows better than you what is happening in your own home. I hope it works out and we're heling you and not making you feel worse.

looks like i've killed the thread already, sorry guys. is there anyone there???

Still about diddle. Poor CH Still it's good to have an outlet for these feelings every once in a while.

So did you go on all the big scary rides at Disneyland?

Will any of you be on here after 9.30? DH goes to work then and I can type more freely without him lurking around me. Keep worrying he'll see what I'm typing

Strike1 - yes went on the big scary rides. my DH loved the rockin rollercoaster we just ahd to keep going on again and again. We were a bit dissapointed that the fireworks weren't on or the night time parade, but apparently it was out of season,

CH - i might be on here later, sure DH will be in front of the PC so can carry on here on my laptop.