The Bus Stop - Waiting to TTC (part 3)

[bebejones]

New thread ladies! :)

Old one here

Will go get the list.....

Hi all!

quodlibet hope the wedding was good fun!

mrs your dissertation sounds interesting and also quite complicated!

nannyl how exciting about your mil saving all the stuff for potential grandchildren! Do you think she's mentioned it to your oh too? My ILs have three grandchildren already, but I know they dote on them and would love more!

AC yeah, difficult to keep up with the thread, esp on a mobile! The age thing is a good point to make, and if you think 37 is too old then I think your hb should consider that.

bebe I hope you do manage to talk to your dh soon and he doesn't keep putting it off.

pjd the birth story sounds a bit scary, so I think I will skim over it and not scare myself!

I am feeling a bit fed up as just got back from my friend's leaving drinks... the number of friends I have in this town is dwindling as they're all moving away! Oh well, I just need to get out and meet some new friends.

I haven't thought much about actually giving birth, but I think I fall firmly on the side of "give me as much pain relief as you can". But then I don't really know anywhere near as much as I should so I have no idea about the pros and cons of intervention and drugs. But I think that with all the medical help available, why not take advantage? I am on the side of breastfeeding though, not sure why anyone wouldn't at least try it?

Wow, this thread has been busy!

Interesting discussion. I am definitely hoping I'll be strong enough to go through with a natural birth. Also planning to breastfeed.

Nannyl, sounds like you made some great progress with your MIL! My MIL has already let me know she wants to be a "very active, hands-on" grandparent, and if I ever need to take a night off, or several days, she would be happy to look after DC. Somehow we've become her best hope out of my DH and his siblings, even though she has no idea we'll be TTC soon!

Bebe, I agree with Amanda. If DH is aware of the situation, hasn't objected, and thwarts everyone effort you make to talk to him about it, I would stop taking it. Maybe he's looking for you to be a bit more decisive before he gets on board?

By the way, I've had a look at everyone's photos. You are all lovely, and it is nice to know what you look like! I put one up myself.

Ugh, I just realised how late it is. Was just sneaking a peak at the thread as a distraction from my dissertation, but it's definitely time to call it a night.

Wow, so many posts after I logged off! Had to watch the film, was getting into trouble for typing over it! (Wasn't that good though, would much rather have been on MN :o)

Nannyl - I think my fear of birthing at home stems from knowing that my mum had had a really difficult labour with me & I was worried with DD being my first and not knowing what to expect. The MLU is like a home away from home IYSWIM? It's attached to a very small hospital & is very cosy. So is sort of the middle ground. This is my aim as I would be wary being at home after DDs difficult birth. I would agree that the idea of staying at home & having your own bed to snuggle a newborn in is very appealing! Just wish I was brave enough/had enough room in my house! :o

I had a lot of drugs in the end for DDs birth even though it wasn't what I wanted initially but it all got a bit much & I defy anyone to have a 64 hour back to back labour with nothing!! BUT I am determined to try and not repeat that next time around...I will have my MLU waterbirth!!!!!

PJD - my DD is an August birthday (but due 31st July) and was conceived in November so your maths was right! :o Your DSs birth sounds v scary. I think if you want a VBAC you need to able to really stand your ground as (from what I have heard) the MWs/consultants are very resistant! I think bf is supposed to be harder ater C-Section because of being able to hold LO comfortably & something to do with contractions to deliver placenta stimulating the breasts to produce milk, which doesn't happen in the same way with a CS. I do think alot of it depends on mother & baby though. DD was a natural birth & took 5 days to latch at all (lazy baby) & things didn't really improve much after that, she just wasn't that bothered, wouldn't take a bottle well either & still is fussy as hell with food!

Squirel - :( That all your friends are leaving! Pre DD I would say I was in the same camp as you, in fact I was until about halfway through my pregnancy. I just suddenly changed my mind & had to change which hospital I was booked in to & re-write my birth plan. Not sure why, just think as I read more the whole thing seemed less scary!

Mrs - can't believe you were up that late doing your dissertation! Hope you got some sleep! :)

Just wanted to send a quick message to say sorry for scaring everyone with my birth story! Reading it back it probably sounds worse than it actually was, this may sound weird but I look back on the whole process very fondly! The staff were all brill, I have no recollection whatsoever of the pain, and I really quite enjoyed the c-section itself, was weird but good. I don't want to put any first-timers off, it used to really annoy me before I had DS when people used to tell me their birth horror stories and I would think to myself "thanks a bunch, I've got to go through that some day!" And now I've become one of those annoying people.

Will log on again later to catch up properly.

PJD - snap! I don't want people to think my experience was awful & it always sounds worse than it was when I talk about it! I actually quite enjoyed the whole thing too! And the staff were FAB! (Think it always sounds worse)

Hello all

Thanks - wedding was really really lovely. SUCH a high small-child count! And I found out that one of my friends (partner of one of DP's best friends) is TTC which is really really exciting news (and of course gave me an opening for another installment of The Talk!). It turns out there's a few of my RL friends who are all planning to TTC over the next year or so which I find quite comforting.

AC you made me laugh out loud at pictures of us all peeing on sticks with nervous-looking men in the background!

AC - Re The Talk: the age-limit technique is I must say working v well over here. I have declared that I don't want to be growing any humans after the age of 35, that it is my body that has to bear the strain of it and as such this is my non-negotiable limit. Therefore, if we are to have 2 children as DP sees as essential, then we need to get cracking (I'm nearly 31). He seems happy to accept this logic - though does do an alarmed face when I point out that working backwards from there we need to start TTC in mid 2011. He is very understanding of my worry that leaving it later will make TTC harder and I do count myself lucky on this front. And I think actually he does quite like me being decisive about things.

He also doesn't seem to be bothered about me coming off the pill (I've got 3 pills left!) so I think I've decided to do so which seems like a huge thing -but as DP points out, I can always start taking it again if it actually turns out to be a pain. AC - you must let me know how you get on with your Persona monitor, I've thought about getting one too.

pjd and bebe - you have spooked me with your birth stories - I have a bit of a phobia about forceps, epidurals give me the willies, and the thought of a caesarian makes me feel a bit panicky!! I'll have to get over it at some point I suppose.

Right - got to go and get dressed (shamefully still in bed at midday!) Got people arriving soon to cook a roast!

have a nice sunday all!

hey everyone got invited onto this thread as hear from one of my threads that everyone is a similar situation to the one im in, wanting to concieve but dp isnt ready or various other reasons

Hi jbells and welcome. I didn't say anything on the other thread but it does annoy me when people make comments like "you just have to wait until he's ready then", it's ridiculous.

When you have a difference of opinion about important decisions in your life, there's no reason why the partner who wants to initiate a change should have to defer to the partner who prefers to preserve the status quo.

It's only reasonable for you both to acknowledge that you have a reached a point in your lives where you have a serious and important difference of opinion that must be resolved and to agree that you will both commit some time and energy to resolving it, i.e. listening carefully to each other's points of view, weighing up the pros and cons, working out if there are ways around any obstacles, trying to find a compromise, etc.

Squirrel I think I need to keep in mind that one day I might be 37 and have my 2 DC and still want another, so I'm not planning to commit myself to the opinion that 37 is too old lol!

Oh no Quod don't be spooked! Honest it sounds far worse than it was, promise!

Welcome jbells! :)

AC - very eloquently put! :o Would you mind explaining that to my DH? He seems to think that everything should always be his way & never seems to want to compromise with anyone...not just me! Gets it from his dad & I don't envy the people who work for them! (Still love him though :o)

pjd and bebe I think all birth stories sound a bit scary until you've been through it! But am glad to hear you look back and think it went okay :) I think if it really is as traumatic as it sounds, then noone would be willing to relive and write about it, so that is quite reassuring!

AC I think you put it very eloquently I'm lucky that dh is on my side (we just need to wait till after holiday and antimalarials) but I do think it's such a difficult thing to discuss and I don't believe the answer is as easy as "wait till you're both ready". Once we'd decided to have kids then I was quite keen to get on with it asap because it's my body that has to go through with it, and I'd rather be as young as possible. Not that I think anyone should force a man to become a dad before he's ready, but there's such a grey area when you both definitely want kids but can't agree on the timing.

Welcome jbells I have no advice but do you know if your hb wants any more children? Or if he just doesn't want any more right now?

Yes, I think you're right there squirrel. I'm not really scared of going through labour again, I wouldn't say it was as bad as I thought it might be based on stories I'd heard.

I must admit, I found it quite reassuring when I first read through this thread and realised there are lots of other people whose OHs are not as ready as they are to have kids! Or in some cases not ready at all and not willing to discuss it! It made me feel better in a strange way, because when we first had the talk, DH was quite adamant that he didn't want kids and it was a massive hurdle for us to get over. I thought DH was different to other men - it seemed as though friends' OHs were just as happy as they were to have kids, but not mine! So it was good to know there are lots of men out there who get scared at the thought of having kids. I'm so thankful that mine did come round to the idea, and I hope all of you who are having "the talk" soon have a positive discussion, and can reach a decision that works for both of you.

Ahem yes well I do have to persuade my DH of this as well! The talk is still in the planning stages, mainly as I don't see any point in having it until I get to the point where I am ready to TTC, i.e. December.

I don't even know at this point how hard or easy I think labour is going to be. Based on the fact I want to have a homebirth with minimal interventions, I have to conclude that I'm completely deluded and think it will hardly hurt at all!

Quodlibet it seems we have quite a bit in common. I'm so glad I'm off the pill now, I started hating taking it. I start on Persona in about 2-3 weeks, so I'll keep you updated as to how I get on. DH is being quite organised about condoms in the meantime - I am quite impressed!

Feeling miserable, the talk did not go well. Just don't know what to do. We didn't really come to any conclusions at all so feel in limbo still. :( DH is adamant he isn't ready now. Despite me pointing out it isn't now that we are talking about! We are still 4-5months off TTC and therefore at least 13-14months off actually having another baby! I pointed out it doesn't take me 9 months to have a baby anymore, it takes at least 12 coz of the 'preparation'. At the moment I think we might be saying that I will stop drugs Sept & hope that he is 'ready' by Jan. If not I'll have to go back on the drugs! Just so confused. :( Plus the fact that DD has been horrid all weekend really hasn't helped my case at all!

Good morning all

welcome Jbells

bebe so sorry talk didnt go as planned .. agree with your plan to stop drugs and hopefully by Jan DH will realise that now is his chance to TTC
quod sounds like you had a great wedding with lots of oppertunities to discuss babies / children / TTC

I had another lovely day with OH yesturday... we didnt do alot, just went to farmers market, to MIL's for sunday roast, and then took their dog for a nice long walk, then came back and pottered weeded our garden, and just had lots of nice calm happy quality time wth each other

Right i have a busy day today, friends coming to stay for a week tomorrow, so tidying, and ironing, and menu planning, and some sewing for OH

aww bless i have just been bought breakfast in bed, so gonna have that now

Nannyl - breakfast in bed
Your yesterday sounds lovely, wish mine was as calm as that!

I did point out to DH that having another baby next year actually fits with fixed plans/things. Putting it off indefinately would prevent me from developing any sort of career or re-training as I want to stay at home with my while I can. His argument is that we don't have age as a factor, my counter argument is we have my MS as a factor! We just went round and round in circles for hours! At one point he even said he wasn't sure he would ever want another baby but he didn't know for sure. So I am just supposed to wait around not knowing for ever? :( I think it all stems from him being so stressed & his reasons seem to be mostly financial. Although he did keep saying 'we can make all the plans in the world & then I could get hit by a bus'...well by that rational you can't plan for anything! MEN!!!

hey everyone, just been trying to catch up and c where everyone is at its a long thread lol AC thanks for your comment i was also annoyed when someone put u will just have to wait then not exactly supportive, squirral i think he does want more b4 our dd he wanted 3 now if i mention another one he changes the subject and wont even have an adult conversation tells me im only young no rush, i say well your not so young haha, he also says that because i had a really difficult birth 46 hrs wasnt pleasant from start to end and he doesnt want to watch me go thru it agen, it was me that had to deal with the pain lol i would really like a sept 2011 baby would make a nice 2.5 year age gap between dd1 and no2, bebe your dhs viewpoint sounds very much like mine

pjd know exactly how u feel bout wanting an electiv c section im thinking the same way as u dont know wot to do had an awful birth, partner got sent home at beggining as i was 4 not 5 cm so dh got sent home, i got moved upstairs, 20 mins later i was in such bad pain i started vomiting in hallways lol, they checked me agen and i was 5cm so back downstairs and dh got called back, anyways vomited every 5-10 mins throughout the whole labour was even vomiting afta dd was born, then dd got stuck and was facing wrong way, kept pushing nothing happening then a consultant came in asked if theyd emptied my baldder NO then they had to cut me and use forceps afta threatening to give me c-section if i cudnt get baby out in next 20 mins then i ripped to, and then to top it of they left a swab in me for 10 days, but afta all that i still want another one hehe, its true u must forget how bad it actually was at the time

jbells - are we married to the same man?! :o Mine changes the subject as well...or leaves the room!!

If we have a Sept/Oct 2011 baby the DD will be just 3 & at playgroup 3-5 mornings a week. Having a baby then would fit really well with our current situation. And at least my DH can see that he's just being over anxious IMO!

Wow! What an active weekend it's been on the thread! Just marking my place but will be back on here later once I;ve had chance to read everybody's posts (and make copioius notes!!!)

x

Hey all

Bebe really sorry to hear that - how frustrating! Are you supposed to go into suspended animation or something while he ums and ahs?! It must not be helping at all if he's generally stressed, IMO when you feel like you're working really hard just to stay still you can go into emotional Emergency Lock-Down Mode and anything that threatens to change anything or make life any more potentially difficult makes you go into a wild irrational panic! (well that's what happens to me anyway).

Will it be detrimental to your health to come off your drugs until Christmas and then re-start them if necessary? Or can you still do that to create a window of possibility in the hope your DP comes round?
nannyl, I'm jealous of your lovely relaxing weekend, mine was really fun (a 30th birthday yesterday following on from wedding on Saturday) but I feel more tired now than I did on Friday night! (at this point in time I think I'd happily take 9 months off the booze).

JS - you MUST explain this raclette business to me please?!

bebe- haha think we mite b, i was planning and trying to explain to my dp that if i got pregnant in next few months dd would be around 2.5 years and then i would be on mat leave so she cud stay home with me instead of goin to nursery for first 6 months of my mat leave which wud save us a lot of money each month and then by the time she was 3 she would have had 6 months to bond with new baby b4 going to nursey and then i would have last 3-4 months of mat left, i think its a pretty good plan lol dp not so convinced

Hi all,

Im back again with more questions- I hope thats ok but you all know waayyy more about TTC than me!

I am lookign for advice on exactly WHEN to come off the pill. Basically, DH and I are both ready to start trying, the only thing stopping us is the holiday we have booked from 27th September to 4 October. For obvious reasons, I don't want to be on my period whilst we are on holiday!

The plan originally was for me to just stop taking the pil on the last night of our holiday. However, that would only be on day 6 or 7 of the pack of pills- and I read on here recently that you shouldn't stop mid-pack as it can mess your cycle up. So that would mean waiting for virtually another month, which of course we don't want to do.

So I could stop taking it at the end of this pack- the last day of the pack being Sunday 29 August- BUT then there is a chance (albeit small but knowing my luck!) that I would be 'on' during our holiday. Argh!

If you were me, WWYD?

ooh im on holiday then to, r u going anywhere nice, your dilema is a tough one i think personally i would just stop taking the pill now and risk it, but depends how your periods are and how much u feel it will impact your holiday, i know mine generally last about 3-4 days and rnt to painfull etc so wouldnt bother me to much

A bit of good news here girls, DH and I had not the talk but certainly a talk - and it went really well. Not that we agreed to have a baby as the outcome, but just that we actually had a proper conversation where we talked around lots of issues and DH wasn't hostile and I finally felt listened to for the first time in as long as I can remember.

But to explain how our talk went, first I have to have a talk with you guys, which is a bit scary considering that this is my only support group. I told DH that I don't want a baby. I know! What I really feel, I told him, is that there's this horrible black cloud hanging permanently over me like the guillotine looming - and it's the looming decision about whether to have a child and the fear that having one could completely ruin our lives and there would be no going back. On the other hand for as long as we don't have one the dilemma continues and I have to live with the pressure of the decision. And if I feel like this now at 32, how will I feel when I'm 35, or 40, or 45 - and will I even get through that, even with therapy? And what will it be like when the damage is done and it's too late, and it's over?

I explained to DH that he doesn't feel the same way because his bridges aren't going to be burnt - and I asked him why, if he was so certain that he didn't want children, he didn't have a vasectomy - and he told me he didn't want to rule out the possibility that he could change his mind - ha!

He said I spend too much time on MN and that was making things worse - but I pointed out that this is my only support group and I didn't really feel that I could tell the truth about what I was feeling even on here. DH was surprised to find out I have also been on forums for women who have decided never to have children, forums for women who haven't been able to have children, and forums for women who haven't had children because their husbands said no.

DH said he thought we needed to have some real heart to hearts with the friends we have who do have children, to try to find out more about what it's really like on the other side.

We also talked about what the advantages would be, including that we might make new friends. It was a really good talk.

There's more but I've probably gone on for far too long and possibly ostracised myself from the rest of MN forever - so I'll stop there.

Does it all sound crazy?