The Bus Stop - Waiting to TTC (part 3)

[bebejones]

New thread ladies! :)

Old one here

Will go get the list.....

Hi JBells, yes we are going to Marrakech, really looking forward to it as (fingers crossed) it could be the last child-free exotic holiday for a good while! Which is why I think i am so bothered about being on my period then, it really would affect things as usually on holiday we would have sex at least once a day (sorry TMI!) but we wouldn't at all during my period.

I don't know what to do!

AmandaC- don't know your whole story but from what you have postedI think most women feel a similar fear of the unknown before having a baby or before TTC. You are completely right- the nature of the beast means it would change your life (as a woman) so much more than that of DH's.

I think they key is- can you see yourself in 5,10 years, without a family? I know I can't, even though at times I break out in a sweat at the enormity of the whole thing and the concept of our very happy, stable, reasonably well-off lifestyle being turned upside down.

I think the fact that so many women on here, even this thread, are desperate for another child after having the first must be an indication that it ain't all bad! And i know its a cliche but so many people have said to me that yes, you will get no sleep for years months on end, yes you will be skint and yes, you can kiss goodbye to nights out- but it is all worth it the first time they smile/laugh/say 'mummy'.

So they say anyway!

amanda that does not sound crazy at all

sounds like you had a really good productive chat, and are ready for your next one, when fingers crossed, he realises, that perhaps now is a good time.

Good luck discussing it all with your friends.. make sure they are on your side and primed to say the right things

not a size 10.... personally id take the pill and take it until the END of the October pack.... rational being is having a baby 3 weeks earlier really going to matter in the scheme of life? then stop pill at end of pack and use that fertile window which you get immediatly after finishing the pills so fingers crossed concieve a baby as soon as you stop.

have been a busy bee this morning... spent 70p in my bargain charity shop... went past yetruday and there were some really cute ELC soft blocks (30p) in window RRP £10... said to OH can i get them and he basically said yes so i did, + some lovely usbourne books and balack and white books at 10p each (all rrp £8ish in immaculate as new condition)

been very good doing house work, 2 loads of washing done and on the line, bathrooms and kitchen clean, whole house hoovered and dusted (cause cleaner couldnt come on friday, grrrr) and now off for my pre-lunch time swim.

huge pile of ironing to do this afternoon... JOY

Right - I've got a quick break form the mountain of paperwork I'm dealing with this morning (damn my bosses leaving everything on my desk over the weekend!!!)

Hopefully I've not forgotten anything significant.....

First of all - very interesting chat RE birthing plans. I managed to read it on my iphone last night whilst DH was watching the golf and it was good to hear all differing perspectives on the issue. I think i will probably be of the "give me whatever I need to help with the pain and do whatever you need to get my baby out safely". I'm not against anything other than forceps. will probably change that when i got to an NCT class and they push you into advise it's best to have a natural birth!!!

bebe so sorry to hear the THE TALK didn;t go as well as you had hoped. I know that there is nothing any of us can say that will make you feel any better but I am inclined to agree with all of the girls on here. Stop your meds when you want and then hopefully by Jan your DH will be ready. It seems so unfair that despite it not being their bodies that go through pregnancy and birth, men have all of the control over when they feel ready to TTC. Maybe we are all just too good to our DHs and consider their views when other women just lie and come off the pill for an "accident"

squirel excellent work on the exercise front!!

quodlibet yes, a raclette is a device for melting cheese but it's also a table top hotplate. Very 80's but was such a fun way to do a dinner party and you actually don't eat that much as you are too busy cooking your steak and drinking wine!! this is where mine is from

notasize10 I also had this issue but came off my pill mid packet and all was fine. I totaly understand that you don't want your period on holiday ;) Irritatingly I am going to have mine when we are away at the end of this month......

AC I am really pleased that you felt you could tell us about your feelings RE to TTC or not to TTC. I think everybody wonders if they are making a wrong decision about having children, especially as it is something that you can't undo. That you and DH have had this conversation shows that you are really putting a lot of thought into your decision and are making sure that if you are going to TTC then it is the correct decision for you both. It's a realy mature attitude and whatever you decide must be what you really want.

My weekend was lovely and great fun. DH and his friend chatted a lot on the golf course about babies etc and I think he found it useful to hear what it is really like. Irritatingly their baby wasn't planned and he said that whilst he doesn;t regreat it he wishes that they had had more time to get money together and enjoy their married years. He also said that it was really tough for the frist 6 months (but his wife said the first 3 were tough but that it got heaps better after that....)Not really what I wanted him to be told!!

Their DD was a delight and behaved so well considering it was the first time she's been to stay anywhere. On the Sunday morning, DH and I were lying in bed and we heard her giggle.
DH "aaah..."
JS "She's cute isn't she?"
DH "yeah. Really cute. more so that I though she would be"

He then sat on the sofa watching babyTV with her and then when the boys went shopping with her whilst her mum and I went to the spa (Strawberrypie - after reading that commando thread I couldn't help wondering how many women would find themselves in Sainsburys on Sunday afternoon depositing half the contents of the thermal pools on the floor!!!) DH wanted to know where all the baby shops were!!!

I tried very hard not to talk about TTC with him and hopefully it has worked a little bit but I still can see anything happening agead of time.......

Thank you for your kind replies. This thing really does have the potential to make nervous wrecks of all of us. I am really amazed that anyone ever decides to do it at all!

Notasize10yet I have read so many accounts of how wonderful it is to have children and how it is worth every sacrifice and struggle. And it's rare to find someone who says they regret it - usually it's someone with PND or other problems going on, and if you are able to read on a few months, often the problem resolves itself and mum and baby bond.

I do see myself with children in the future and I think that if I don't have them it will affect me quite badly.

But as nannyl says the important thing is that by bringing up all my fears, I have managed to initiate a productive chat with DH and I feel so much better for it. There's nothing worse than communication breaking down with your partner and an issue like this coming between you.

Thank you both for your advice. Not a size 10 yet I agree with nannyl about your pills, but only you can make the decision. It is, as she says, only 3 more weeks to wait and when you put it like that it puts a different light on things.

Jealous of your purchases nannyl - you are so lucky to be at this point together.

AC - that does sound very constructive. I for one can totally understand that the pressure of having such a huge issue looming over your head can feel very oppression (and it's very hard not to obsess about it). Sounds like finally being able to have an open and straight and constructive conversation with your DH might relieve some of that pressure and help you to work out how you really feel about it all? I think there are a few of us with the same very complex feelings.

notasize10 - could you loop your pill; ie come to the end of this packet, not have 7 day break and instead continue to then take as many as you need from the next packet to shift your period-calender a week later or whatever you need!? I've done that before when I wanted to plan my period. It doesn't really matter if you take 21 in a row or 30 or 48 as far as your body is concerned I think. Then as far as I can work out when you came off it you'd be in exactly the same position as you would have been otherwise?

JS - aha! I think we've got something similar in the cupboard left from the last tenant, which we looked at puzzled and never used! Got to get it out and do some cheese-melting.

mmmmmmmm Melted cheese!!! I'm a sucker for cheese fondue but since I went gluten free that't not really an option now :( The raclette is a good 2nd best though!

Hi JS x-posted with you as I'm sure you've guessed. I think it's not a question of do I want one or not - I'm pretty sure that I do, it's just that the decision has always been way off in the future and then suddenly it's upon me and there start to be consequences to putting it off that I don't want to have to contemplate but there is no choice.

I'd love to have another twenty years in the sunshine of youth if we possibly could, but we can't - and that's tricky to come to terms with. I think it's a big thing for DH, particularly with mr being three years older and wanting him to close this chapter of his life before he's ready.

I was worried that if I admitted that I wasn't all guns blazing for a baby I'd be a bit marginalised on MN - but opening up to DH about all this made such a difference that I had to share it with everyone else, so many of us are having a hard time getting our OH to open up and it's heartbreaking.

Quodlibet it is very good to hear I am not alone.

Thanks everyone- Quodlibet good point, I will look at carrying on without a break and see if the dates work out. As others have said though, 3 weeks isn't the end of the world, just want to get on with TTC asap!

Ahhhh - sorry! I got a bit confused. Must be all the info I took in catching up with so many posts!!!

AC - it sounds like progress was made with your talk. I don't think you are alone in the fear of what having a baby will do to your life.

Notsize10 - was going to suggest the same as Quod!

JS - mmmm fondue, love cheese, but sadly not good for the diet! :o Sounds like the weekend went well to me. I think it is better to be told it was tough at first but now its good. Otherwise you'd be lulled into a false sense of security about it all!

Have spent the morning doing housework & having a good clean out of the spare room. Hasn't made me feel much better TBH. Not helped my mood by finally chucking out all of my degree show work. Had to be done, but has made me feel sad & has dragged up all my regrets from that part of my life :( Feeling so low, just don't feel like it is fair that I am always the one who makes compromises. (I know that seems really whingy, sorry) Will snap out of soon, I hope! Hopefully things will be resolved soon, can't deal with not having made decisions. If DH says no to TTC again that'll be the 4th time he has committed to a date then changed his mind!! I can't keep doing this :(

Amanda I have to admit that I'm also not that keen on having a baby. I don't really want my life to change beyond all recognition and to be sleep deprived for years to come. Plus, I'm not really sure I'll be that great with a baby! But, I have got to a stage in my life where I think it is probably a good time, and I don't think I'll be any more ready if I wait. I can be quite impatient and once I've decided to do something, I'd rather just get on with it because the reality is probably far better than any worries I might have.

bebe sorry to hear that clearing out all your degree show work has upset you. I don't really know a lot about your situation but can totally understand the feeling that it is you who makes all of the sacrifices. I think that if DH changes his mind again (and I seriously hope that he doesn't for your sake) you need to be strong and tell him that you won't be dictated to by him on this front and that it is a joint decision that untimately affects your body and not his. I know that it is hard to do but for your own sanity you have got to let him know just how unhappy his dithering makes you.

Squirrel - I thought I'd be useless with a baby too. One of my friends said I was the least maternal person she knew! But actually I sort of took to it far better than anyone (including myself) thought that I would! It's much easier to be good with them when they are yours! For me anyway! I always feel far too self concious with other peoples babies/children!

JS - He knows how his dithering is affecting me but says that I am guilt tripping him into doing something he doesn't want to do! All I'm doing is being honest & telling him how I feel! Trouble is, I can't exactly make a baby without him! He actually asked me last night if I would be happy having a baby if I knew he didn't want it. I said 'no' but actually, I probably would be ok with it does that make me a bad person? It's not like he is here much of the time doing the parenting anyway! Apart from the financial issues he has about having another baby his other big issue is if I have a relapse afterwards. (Which isn't a certainty) He is saying that he couldn't cope if I did, which is fair point. But that isn't going to change with time, that situation is still possible, probably more so the longer we leave it! I have done loads of research into trying to prevent it & had spoken to my specialists etc, but he just doesn't seem to listen to that at all. Rambling again, sorry! Just really felt like we had been making progress the last couple of months & now feel like I'm back to square one again!

Bebe how do you mean about your regrets about that part of your life? Did things not work out as you had hoped with your degree? Sorry to hear you're feeling so down.

Squirrel thanks for telling me you feel this way too. No I don't think I'm going to get much more ready than this. Unless and until DH comes round to the idea that is.

Who can we ask this question of do people think? Those of you who have DC - would you mind being asked about it by a friend?

AC - I did well in my degree, just when I look back at what I did I feel that I didn't stand up for myself & tried to please the tutors all the time instead of doing what I wanted. As a result my final project work wasn't a true representation of my work, or what I was capable of doing. I just don't think I made the most of the oppurtunities I had. Have been holding on to it all for 4 years & as I said to DH we just don't physically have room for sentiment in this house! So it had to go!

I don't think I would mind if a friend asked me the question. You would just need to make sure they gave you an honest answer!

Bebe all this sounds messy with your DH. I don't know what to suggest at all.

As regards your degree I think nearly everyone feels that way. Degrees are too precious to take risks with - therefore ironically you can't enjoy them in the way that you are supposed to because your whole future rests on getting the right grades and that means reigning in your desire to be adventurous and innovative and experimental.

My ambition is to do another degree after ai retire when all that matters is my enjoyment of the subject. I'd like to read English Literature I think.

I think the biggest regret is that I haven't used my degree! I knew I didn't want to work in London so never really persude fashion as a career. I was so settled with DH & planning our wedding when I finished that I just didn't think about what I was going to do with it & now it almost feels too late. The only real use for the things I can do is teaching, but I don't want to re-train until I have had my family!

bebe it absolutely does not make you a bad person. I for certain would feel that way too!!! In a perfect world you would both be happy and excited about trying but............. sometimes that's not possible.

Agree with JS it absolutely does not make you a bad person, that sounds perfectly normal to me.

Bebe it must feel hard to feel like you're compromising in all areas - and a wrench to throw stuff out!

Even though you haven't used your degree so far it doesn't mean you can't or won't, you still have all the skills you learned. What was your degree in and what did you enjoy most from it? Is there a possibility of doing something with it from home/part time, for your own enjoyment to start with? (and with no tutors to please!) So that you don't feel it's part of your life that is totally gone?

bebe so sorry to hear things arnt going well. It must be so frustrating . wish i could suggest something, but apart from hypnotising your DH (im joking) not sure what to say. sending you a bug hug.

i too am intrigued as to what your degree was in.

Also dont feel that your degree is a waste of time....
i never needed a psychology degree to be a nanny... OR to work in the kindergarten class... BUT having my degree meant i was offered every nanny job i wanted, and im sure it was also what got me my job in kindergarten...
so although i havent really used it as such (i believe psychology is essential when dealing with children) it has benefited me in other ways..

Unfortunately my degree is not in anything useful! It's in Fashion & Textile design! So I'm good at drawing & I can sew quite well & that's about it! Bizarely though when I was searching for part time work (pre DD) I was turned down for alot of jobs for being 'over qualified' just because I actually had a degree! All I wanted was a job!!