1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Whitening toothpaste is the answer. Smear over feet and leave, then wash off.

Morning BESHloves...

MountainDew please to stop the menkul, especially when the menkul is directed at your lovely self.Are you calling Dr today?

Awww...lolly bless you....lemon juice also works well. Or you could get some of those fake tan remover wipes from T'chemist? I do have to ask how it got on the soles of your feet my dear?

saladsandwich why the menkul? I am totaling banning you lot from going anywhere near Dr Google. No good ever comes of it....

MounttheFairyCakes there could be a number of things up with your blood test results - progesterone, FSH, LH, Thyroid, etc.. Most are able to be fixed without bags of grief so DON'T Panic. It might simply be they want to repeat something or interpret the numbers you've got. Oh, and can everyone stop apologising about mentalling? This is why this thread is here is it not?

Apologies for sounding stern I have PMT. Laters my bitches.

blimey, you sound like a very firm headmistress.....

Thank you for the tips, will try all of them.

salty tis a very silly, boring story. Sprayed some tan on my legs to get rid of the hint of blue shade before I contemplate a skirt. Later I saw a damp patch on floor boards, scooted over it with my foot to investigate, glad it wasn't dog pee, thought "meh" & carried on. Didn't THINK it was residue of said spray & tan developed nicely overnight.

So mountie I can't tell the reflexologist or she'll deliberately block my tubes to prevent such a nob-jockey from having a baybee.

Sorry for this totally random mememe post.

mountie how's the menkal this morning? Could it be they just want to explain blood results? Unrelated to fertility I know I've been told the GP wants to see me following results, I've panicked & they've just told me they're fine.

In other news Project Shagalot got off to a very fine start last night. Very fine indeed Once the boyf had stopped laughing at my feet..........

Get you Stinks! Being all strict! For what it's worth, I agree.

Lozza I'm sorry if the fake tanned soles have caused you distress, but thank you for giving me my first snigger of the day. A good old loofah always helps, I find, particularly if your feet (like mine) are a bit scaly and manky. Watch that brown come slathering off.

I am In Extreme Pain. I have trapped a nerve in my neck and it's extending down my arm and back. I am Whey Faced and in my line of work this injury is Not A Good Thing. Pliz excuse the randomness of my capital letters It has caused a couple of sleepless nights and one very large work-related cock up. I thought MrA would be a perfect pig about it (the cock up not the nerve) but he dealt with it all, realising I was near snapping, harridan, screeching, mental breakdown territory. He has his uses. Cass, in your wisdom, what shall I do?

Morning my darlinks.

Laurie that is most excellent. Someone I used to work with got that stuff all over her palms, it looked like badly done henna for about a week. Alcohol wipes helped a bit. Am amused by the whitening toothpaste idea, that will look even funnier

Mountaingoat it is indeed shite being referred with no clue why, but on the plus side, referral might result in either immediate updiffage due to sod's law, or future updiffage due to treatment - either of which is obv. excellent step in right direction. Menkul as much as you like, you're in the right place as we all know

I would like to report some quality imaginary symptoms: feel sicky, random cramps, feel like whale with bloat. Of course none of these could possibly be down to with a) eating far too much food late last night and b) PMT.

Am also liking the stern, Wizzle

LoopyLou I am muchos impressed at managing to shagalot despite feet! Can't decide how I feel at your investigating of possible dog pee with nekkid foot.....

symptoms, hey Saffydaffy?

Aries my dear, neck nerves are horrible. Although don't google anything or you'll convince yourself you'll be paraplegic by lunchtime.

Aries - bag of frozen peas? Nurofen? Warn wheat bag if you can find one or hot water bottle if you can't?

I've done that twice now and had to take the day off work because I couldn't sit up in bed unaided so I feel your pain

Nice glasses, saltybiscuit

Aries - Voltarol Gel.

Mountie - a) am fairly certain you are less of a fat cunt than me, going purely on statistical probability, and b) you are very definitely less of a fat cunt than my sister, who conceived first time, twice, at more than eighteen stone. There may be ishoos to be resolved with this or that: but I bet you my piano, my aquamarine ring, my complete Sherlock Holmes and my treasured collection of hand embroidered Victorian tableclothes that your weight has fuck-all to do with any of it.

Mas fanks for piss-stick advice, pal.

Laurie don't be a silly sausage. I bet the reflexologist has dealt with many a festering pustulating wart-infested sole before. A jolly hint of orange will prolly be a welcome relief! Also: Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!

Muse your whitening toothpaste tip is priceless. Makes me want to try fake tan and cock it up purely to test your theory.

Saffy Quelle day et tu?

salty I did warn you not to ask.

aries OUCH! I've suffered with back pain before & have been told to avoid heat things despite them giving comfort. Only thing I found helped was a deep freeze spray - Boots do one, quite inexpensive & just numbed the area, if made me yelp with the cold.

ead 'what day and you?' may be yer ackshul French but am not sure it was an ackshul question (thought I'd have a crack at being a pedant, it looks like fun )

Aries ouch ouch ouch. I would recommend tequila, which will surprise absolutely no one.

lorrypoofeet hahahahahaha! [helpful emoticon]

Oh and Mountie have you phoned re appt yet? Any more info? Aries put it v wisely. Don't worry till you know why you should worry and do not blame yourself (especially as you don't even know what you are blaming yourself for!)

Ignore this advice and you will get a sound kicking from the best coven. Nothing kinky, just pure unadulterated violence

Je ne speak pas le Francais cos je used to read Les Mills & Boon during l'ecole quand le lessons de Francais were on !

Je wish les livres que je was reading had been DH Lawrence but tant pis...

HB is right re. weight, I have seen with my own eyes a woman so massivehuge returning from her section (complete with baybee) that the ward had to hire in a special extra-load-bearing bed for her. If she can get updiffulaged then we all can, I say. Pass the pasties.

I have prepared some Actual French avec le google translator:

C'est possible aujourd h'ui est le jour 27 de 28. Mais je pense que c'est actuellement c'est le WTFWOOFLWTFWTF et aujourd h'ui c'est le jour 27 de ???. Merde sur un stick.

Ah, le violence, gin , splendide.

Merde sur un stick = mon phrase favourite!

That, et "Merde-mon-pyjamas"

I'd POAS if I were you . My new tactic is to crush hope before it gets too hopeful. Not that your hope needs crushing . sorry, pained neck and PMT is making me gloomy.

PdansleStick! PdansleStick! PdansleStick!

Merde sur un stick????

fuck on a stick????

am I missing something?

Sadly I don't think 'stick' is yer actual french but I'd given up by that point.

Merde = shit.

PdansleStick! I like that

I cannot PsurleStick as I do not have le Stick. The bonus thing about being this pessimistic is that I have no hope to be crushed! Hoorah!

Boo @ PMT HB , here, have this cupcake with a scale model of le Tour Eiffel on it and a slap round the chops with a baguette to alleviate your gloom.

Ead these are the piss sticks I bought and got positive on, albeit a very feint one. But then again, I was POAS at about 11 DPO

piss sticks

GinLover congrats on the jelly baby! I am so relieved for you.

Sorry to be brief... have secured myself a job making 200 burgers (following success of recent BBQ) and should currently be up to my elbows in pork mince, bacon and apples.

PS. Lozza you did make me larf with your brahn feet. I second lemon juice.

OOoooOOOoooOOOOoooo get Pols and her domestic goddess ways! Makes me want to shout BUMSEX and run away giggling

Have purchased those very same. Gd enuf 4 U gd enuf 4 me.

20 sticks for £1.95??? Good lord above. That makes me cross about CB and FR and all the other rip-off merchants.

Ouch, sorry Arials. I have no experience.

BunOfSaffron when is POAS time?

Lezzer do let us know how the home remedies worked!

I rang up the clinic, and it was one of those annoying booking lines, I am not sure we even understood eachother. Anyhoo, as it was pretty much a call centre, they would not have a clue apart from "Ooo, this is strange, you have another apointment with us on September 9th. Did you know that?"

Uhm, yeah, hence the surprise. That was my original FC appointment...

Anyway, like I said she did not have a clue. I am away now doing research, so do not have the FC number. I will ring them on Monday and try and find out what's going on, but I am sure they'll say the results cam back weird. The only slightly comforting thought I have is that I went very late on day 4, maybe even begining of day 5, depending how I count, cause that's when I had dildocam, and they said to give blood between days 2 and 4. Anyway, those are straws I know, and I am adopting wait and see approach. Who knows, maybe I can make the FC send me the results beforehads. Has anyone managed to do that?