1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Salad Honestly and truly, Katherine is just the best historical novel OF ALL TIME with the only possible exception being A Tale of Two Cities, which I can't even think about without getting emotional

I prolly recommended The Grand Sophy, which I am going to read the next time I babyfail, 'cos that book would warm and cheer a nuclear winter!

ARies yar, warm water with some salt in it. My mother seemed to have permanent cystitis. And 5 children. I really don't want to think about the implications....

Salad, you're too nice. I might've always wanted to be a Mum, but I waited to start trying until I was 36 (to be fair, didn't start relationship with man of my dreams, TYF, until I was 34), so under the Daily Heil rules, I don't deserve one eever Let's have a little cuddle and cheer ourselves up

I once had cystitis so bad I was hospitalised as I was pissing what looked like pure blood. Had to have a bladder x-ray and everyfink.

Not really, it was fucking awful!

Cross post there Scrops.

Any interesting UTI anecdotes?

I'm just getting over @ 5 weeks of a weak-but-stubborn bladder infection. I guess I'm 'lucky', in that when I get it (once every few years), it doesn't hurt when I wee. Just aches 24-7 and bladder is agony and keep needing loo all the time.

HB I picked up Arabella in the end, but there quite a few in the library so will check it out. I remember reading Katherine many years ago, I will definitely give it another go. My favourite 'historical' novels were the Mary Stewart ones about Merlin, so more fantasy really. I loved how she interpreted the legend within a historically factual framework and imbued some realism into the magical aspects.

scorps screw the Daily Heil, can you feed me one of those flapjacks with the hand thats not groping pls?

aries all i can say is ouch!

Aaaah, historical novels. Anyone read the Sunne in Splendour, or the trilogy and Llewelyn ap Gruffydd and Llewelyn ap Iowerth by Sharon Penman? Pure tosh of course. But brilliant tosh.

I think I might have to add Katherine to my library wishlist (which is enormous after all the recommendations in our last fred). I've read The Winthrop Woman, also by Anya Seton and loved it, one of my favourite books eva. Anyone else read it? I used to read a lot of the Philippa Gregory books, always enjoyed them but they got a bit samey after a while. Anya Seton blew her out of the water though.

Not heard of those Aries but will go investigate...

Not a historical novel, but anyone read The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff? I read a lot, and generally forget as soon as I'm finished, unless it was really outstanding. I think there is probably a lot of dross in my reading list and you lot are encouraging me to up the ante. This book stayed with me for ages though.

Great news perfectcamel. Your hump, your hump, your lovely lady lumps. Have a lovely holiday.

Joining Lorry in having the rage today. ANyone want to wrestle?

I would but I'm too tired stinker. I have put together Madam's new cabin bed (on my own) and just put new mattress in it (delivery driver did not see fit to carry it indoors for me, so I lugged in and up the stairs myself... harumph). OMG I've probably killed my baybee. Mattress = heavier than cake right? Wah!

Not read any of those aries or the one you mention pol although I like the sound of it

I would wrestle you stinkles but i am still recovering from flapjack induced concussion. I might manage a thumb wrestle?

I have done a shockingly little work today oops.

Aries The Sunne in Splendour was flipping amaze. I haven't really been on speaking terms with Shakespeare since, for making Ricky Three so vile

Shakespeare was kind of the Heat magazine of the Tudor age wasn't he?

Stinky I couldn't have handed over my crown to anyone better. I no longer have The Rage, I'm just knackered. I rarely have The Rage so hopefully that's my annual one over with.

head even the thought of SWI twice in 1 day is enough to make me tired. I'm trying to gear up to it again tonight. Thought I'd ov'd yesterday thanks to temp rise, but this morning it dropped again. However I was up for a wee at 4.30 & up for work at 6am so didn't manage the majick 3 hrs of rest before temping. But, just in case I haven't ov'd I'll go for it again.

Another cystitus sufferer here. Though not for a little while. Have been known to send the boyf out in the middle of the night for some cranberry juice, then proceed to sit on the toilet whilst drinking gallons of that & water to quite literally flush the whole lot through. Liquid in 1 end & out the other. Tis a glamorous existence.

Don't have to wait for cyctitus to pee in the bath though

Have my second baybee promising reflexology tomorrow. And no tango-soles to worry about. Its allllll good.

Polly mattress vs. cake: depends how big the cake is and how much chocolate ganache you put on top.

DynamiteIceberg 1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war.

LorryLoadofSerenity I have the rage oooooo about 50% of the time? However, I have spent the afternoon doing a hilariously foul, stinky wet job so am feeling better now.

(Well someone has to clean out the cage with the Handsome Captives in and I don't see any of you lot doing it. Poor things were starving and filthy, they barely had any fight in them at all poor loves. I've threatened them with BangersGoes10totheDozen and they're so scared that I nearly had to clean their cage out again.)

Jesusfuckingchrist, am so with Jobsworths! My parents are flying to their 2nd honeymoon tomorrow - is their 40th anniv on Sunday (awww) - so I've been trying to get the airline just to get the pilot to make a little inflight announcement wishing them a happy 40th with love from me and my bro, etc. You would think this would a fairly simple request (even if not an everyday one), wouldn't you? Well, apparently you have to arrange this weeks in advance and them they'll give 'em free booze, etc. And that I should know this, as it's stipulated in the travel documents. So I point out that I don't have said documents cos I'm not travelling. Man is confused and weirded out as to why I'm ringing. I laboriously explain what I'm after about 6 times and manage to get him to understand why I am not in possession of the documents (Jesus wept). Also say that I don't care about them being given champers as they don't drink anyway. So man tells me they can only do an announcement as a big thing with champagne or not at all. I tell him that's nonsense. So he leaves me on hold for 20 mins and comes back and says he can take a v small message and email the pilot and ask him to do it, but there's no promises. I mean, surely me not expecting a giant fuss is easier for the company? I've planned this for a month, but my 'cousin'* was a stewardess and she said to do it as last-min as possible cos otherwise it'll get forgotten - she said it's usually a case of someone grabbing the pilot and going, Oi Tony, can you wish some old-timers a happy anniversary? Mr & Mrs 'Pette, seats 1 and 2, blahblahblah. Hmmmph.

Sorry that's boring, but aaaaaargh! Feel v sad it might not happen, as have not been able to get them lovely gifts as am currently Dole Scum (Am doing them a painting instead)

*My godmother's daughter, who we consider a cousin as spent more time when young with her than with our actual cousins.

These people are cunts scorps, utter, utter cunts.

I hope your parents have a lovely 2nd honeymoon - that's really sweet.

&*%$£$%£$%!!!!!!!!

New washing machine delivered, the deal was they fit, and take the old one away. The valve broke and the fitter was unable to disconnect the old one so now I'm lumbered with a washing machine in the dining room, a useless one connected to the mains and will have to sort out a plumber to come and fit it and the council to take the old one away. I just knew something would go wrong as had the fit originally planned for yesterday and had to work so rescheduled to frigging friday 13th. And I am NOT normally superstitious but FFS, this is beyond a joke!! (V, that should clinch it if you are out there)

scorsplady i think there is hope, even tho some CS people can be numpties, pilots usually buzz of that kind of thing so as long as he sends the email you should be reet. Bless Ma n Pa Scorps, thats a note worthy achievement, no mistake.

Gah Score, reminds me of that 'computer says no' sketch. As I remarked to my disreputable friends last night as we became roaring drunk*: People are cunts, and that is that. I reckon there's still hope, though. And confabulations to the Score-begetters!

Salad that is most aggravating . I refer you to my earlier 'people are cunts' comment.

I had entirely failed to notice that it's Friday 13th. Hey, if I conceive a Headbangerlet today, maybe they'll grow up to be supercool and wear lots of black leather and have black hair with a white streak and listen to Rammstein and Black Sabbath and similar . Heaven forfend they should wind up a goody-two-shoes milksop like their (potential) Ma...

*You listening, differs? DRUNK! I HAD FUN DRUNK TIMES BECAUSE I HAZ NOT BAYBEE!

Mini-goth-baybee sounds excellent, would it come with eyeliner and black nail varnish as standard?

CUNTS!!!!!

Ah, i feel better now, nice plumber man is coming to fix it all. I wonder if I can get bastard electrical superstore corporation to pay for it (I am pretty sure I would be left gazing) I can't believe we have problems with RL white goods too. Is this prophetic?

Of course HBspawn will be super cool. Tis a genetical certitude.

But I LIKE Saffron Buns, they iz yummo!

Is my favourite pair of shoes. They have very small discreet owls on. Stealth owls, sort of.

salad our fridge-freezer is proper fucked and doesn't freeze anything properly and the washing machine only works if you belt the door really hard before pressing 'go'. Perhaps you are right about the RL whitegoodsfail. Or maybe we are just in need of expensive new appliances, bugger.

btw hoorah for the 40 yr anniversary - hope the Scorps-elders get their plane announcement :)

Hello :) I've either outed Saladbomb or been outed myself (?) so thought it was about bloody time I introduced myself and my lurker tendencies!

You lovely lot have kept me amused and entertained on some of my darkest days but I've been far too scared to join in as in no way as witty or well read. Also I don't really like gin so wasn't sure if you'd let me in? I can just about force it down with lemonade - a gimlet I believe - if I really have to :O

34 years old. Have been trying to make a baby for 17 months now with not even a sniff. Had loads of tests which originally showed massive problems with lazy swimmers but these appeared to have bucked their idea up recently (perhaps vitamins, perhaps changing his pants- who knows?) Have had 1 lot of IUI which failed despite being 'textbook'. Had a month off to get wasted at a festival let our hair down a bit (although secretly hoped the relaxtion would cause instant diffedness). Sadly not to be and next round of IUI kicks off next week.

Realised I know Saladbomb in RL (and freaked her out - soz about that!) so finally plucked up the courage to say hi - please be gentle (at first anyway :O)