1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

drom consider candles lit & big BESH vibes ahoy. I have good feelings for you all. Tis very exciting times...........

Good like Pefect! I shall be sending some BESHly chants your way. As is the case on Monday, of course.

What stage is Stew at? Like 4 weeks or summat?

Oh no I never hoover, they might come out and get you - out of the hole near the handle as it accidentally slides open and runs up your arm. I was thinking more about some sort of laser beam to deal with them - stand about 20 feet away and direct a small deadly beam of light onto wee beastie - instantly vapourising it.

HB you're on thin ice. Now stop it.

Wanted to say that GaGa, your story is so What does not kill us makes us stronger. And what crap befalls us makes us even more evil BESHes

I LOVE the not-very-brave-Beetle - my heart pangs for him! And I think the centipede should secretly struggle with OCD and worry about her/his stripy socks being clean and perfect. BESH Baby Books - it should be our next venture!

Here's one for little girls: 'Jenny Wants A Baby'. Jenny is a grown-up with a lovely husband and a fun job. Jenny and her lovely husband want a baby. So they try and make one, with lots of special adult cuddles every month but no baby ever grows in her tummy, because she is over 30 and she is a bad lady for waiting so long to have a baby. Now look at Jenny, readers: she is fat and drunk and doing her job badly and she can't stop crying. Doctors keep doing nasty things to her private places and telling her she is naughty for being so old. Lovely husband thinks she is mad and she doesn't have fun with all her girl pals any more because they all have babies and Jenny doesn't. This makes Jenny want to stab her heart out with a fork. Or steal a baby. Everyone keeps asking Jenny why she hasn't had a baby yet. Do YOU want to be Jenny when you grow up, little girls? No, you don't, do you. Make sure you're not a bad lady who spends so long making sure her life will be perfect to make a little happy in that she leaves it too late. But don't have a baby before you're 21, because that's bad too. And remember, little girls, that whatever girls and ladies do is WRONG, no matter what.

A bestseller, surely!

Am off to my parents v soon for the avo. Many snogs and frozen flapjacks thwaps to you all xxxx

Thanks ImmaculateCamel. All go around this weekend eh? Will make spider sacrifice offering to Goddess Lyra that all is well in BESHland.

Lorry I just read your message as "while the boyf & I were AT it". . Must remember to read things properly.

GOOD LUCK FOR ALL THE PESH SCANNERS AND THEIR BAYBEES! And despite what the sonographers say, we'll know it's not just a 'coincidence' when the images show the baybees to be flicking the Vs

Bernie Beetle sat in the rain. His little boots were wet, and his poor legs were sore, and his special hat was all broken. "I can't go on," he said: "I'm only little, and ugly, and when girls and boys see me, they run away."

Then he remembered his mother's voice, on the day the storm came and swept her away. "Remember that although you are only little and ugly, your heart is big and brave. I will always be proud of you, Bernie! Always!"

He looked into the puddle at his feet. "How ugly I am," he thought: "No wonder the boys and girls hate me and I'm always alone." Then all at once, the sun came out, and he thought he saw his mother's kind, shiny black eyes staring back at him. The rain stopped, and the birds began to sing: "Always proud of you, Bernie! Always!"

So he put on his special hat, and tied up his best boots, and even though his little legs were breaking and he was so afraid his heart hurt, he set off for the red-ant heap. "I'm coming Billy! I'm coming!"

All for you, Stinky.

There are 2 BESHcandles burning for the PESH scans. I shall be thinking of you all.

Sorry, Scorps. Sorry. Over-sensitive on the subject.

Anyway.

Spiders. I thought I was the only one who is terrified of them, yet also terrified of harming them, in case word gets round the Spider Community and they all come en masse to terrify me by...well...by running along, standing still in the shower, that sort of thing. I once turned round in the shower, mid-shampoo, and found one not six inches from my face on the shower curtain. Boyf (as he was back then) found me naked, screaming, crying, soapy and cowering in the corner of the bathroom. The spider, needless to say, had run away and hidden. Bastard!

Score that novel would clearly be given away free with copies of the Daily Hate!

Love the synopsis Scropes. Twould be a bestseller, sure as anyfink.

And then there is Jenny's friend Jane, who is fertile and healthy and started when 31. Late for Hate but ok by today's standards. But she married a fat bloke because he is nice and kind and they laugh a lot together and give eachoter support. Will Jane be punished because she did not go for a 'prime specimen' and care about the looks as people are meant to? Will doctors continue doing nasty things to her private bits because she was not genetically calculative when falling in love?

Ok, that was melodrama. Just feel a bit like a pair of losers in every respect lately.

Will you BESHs still be around when we all get diffed?

Shhhh don't worry, let me in the shower to comfort you Ariel there there.

In all the drama I fogot to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to SquishyWonABaby! Babydust and sticky bean thoughts hun!!!!LOL

HB : Bernie stopped to thank the birds for helping him have the courage to go on, "Thank you Old Mother Crow! Thank you Dusty the sparrow!" he cried at them, holding his little hat aloft in salute to his feathered friends. Old Mother Crow bent her head in gracious acceptance, and Dusty soared above Bernie in a victory flight trilling a triumphant song.

Dusty swooped low, tickling Bernie's head with her wing tips, then pecked him up in one big gulp into her sharp little beak. "Mmm delicious!" Dusty cried, and then she flew away in search of the ant heap, where she knew Billy would be waiting helplessly for her.

YOU ARE DEAD TO TO ME STINKY DEAD I TELL YOU

Oh Mountie. There is nothing loser-ish about struggling to conceive: 'tis just one of life's stupid pointless illogical lotteries. If you had been 'genetically calculative' (which, by the way, is the best phrase I've ever heard on a BESH thread!), you might also have married a right misery-making cunt, as proved by the 'masturbation' thread.

Come here so I can deliver a faceful of flapjack, sharp and cold from the freezer.

Ahem. The second 'dead' in the hysterically screamed stream of invective should, in fact, have been underlined.

Headbanger don't you mean Billy and Bernie are DEAD to you? Now you can't say you weren't warned. And they didn't suffer much.

MavisCruet don't be sad lovely. It's a real shitter I know but it will be worth it I'm sure. Here, watch me belly dancing, does that cheer you up?

Mmmm, flaaaapjacks (Homer voice). Thank you for mentioning the 'good looking' husband from The Thread. It did drive the point home .

'Genetically calculative' is a phrase I have never used before, but popped into my brain easily as it is an accurate description of large parts of my family!

Sorry, that was an indulgent post. Responded to Scorps story, I would have so much more to say on the previous subjects discussed, but would take too long and I have a dissertation to give birth too! Apart from thinking about BESHly scans, I now officially clear my mind of everyfink else!

Stop talking. We are in 'most active' again and I would rather the randomly curious don't read the last couple of pages...

Except the spider story obviously. Which was oh so lovely until stinky ruined everything, the big ruiner.

I feel really weird having spent time thinking about the D.R thing. I had forgotten just what a hideously Bad Person that bad person was. Incidentally he also told anyone who would listen that I was struggling with lots of 'issues' and was essentially a bit mental. Not that he had any part in that obv

Mmmm, flapjacks and StinkyBelly.... mmmm must purge mind of impure thoughts. I am a serious academic, repeat after me, Mavis is a serious academic. Which, trust me, is as unlikely as Mavis Cruet being one.

Shitfucker Gin. Cockwanker of the highest proportions that leaves me speechless. But I will now obey your orders and shut up.

A few months later, the stork dropped a little baybee down the chimney to Jane, and it was an extra special baybee because Jane was so wonderful and warm and funny and clever, and had persevered. And his dad was a prime specimen because he was a good, kind chap.

It's ok we've dropped of most active so we can lose the radio silence :)

Accurate descriptions Mountie. am sorry you feeling blue. Aries got the end of the story right though :) although she missed the massive celebratory besh booze up!

cam will be thinking of you tomorrow. All will be well and etc. What time is scan? Pleeeease text me if you can I will be working and may struggle to get to palace as it's last day before hol.

FGS. To cheer up Gin and Fairy and to get back into Bangers pants good books:

"Phew" said Bernie, crawling out from underneath Dusty's beating wing, "That was a close one! It's a good job you saw those horrid red ants from high up in your tree, else they would be taking me away to join poor Billy!"

Clever Dusty had seen Bernie's peril and flipped him neatly into the air, catching him on her back as he swooped past. "Now let's rescue Billy together!" she warbled, while Bernie clung on with all his tiny legs, and marvelled at the landscape rushing by, far below.

Yes. Well. All right, Stinky, you may have a snog some frozen flapjack

What is truly frightening is that my work count on MN is, on a daily basis, equal to and often greater than my wordcount for this pissing idiotic story my 'proper' work [loser emoticon]