1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

PS Whilst we're in the spirit of disclosure, I will add: please can we never bring up 'first times' as a topic for cheery banter? That's all I'm prepared to say on the matter.

It's so sad and wrong, but it'd be more unusual to find a woman in their 30s who hasn't had some sort of shit experience like that, whether as a child, teen or adult, that it would be to find one who hasn't. [BESHSMASH] So why and how other women can be so clueless, so blinkered and so heartless, is beyond me. It's like they taken on board everything that sexism/misogyny says about their own sex (if these idiot posters are actually women) and believe it about themselves and their fellow women! My Dad - a groovy male feminist - has always said that some of the worst and cruellest misogyny he's heard has always been from women about other women.

"first times"???? What are you referring to? I assure you I don't think it's cheery banter. If that's what you mean. Maybe you don't.

Is why I'm scared of having a daughter. Me and my sis have both had the bad stuff, and mum had it worst of all.

The guy who date raped me was fairly evil and actually used my confession that I had been abused to pretty much paralyze me into submission. I cried through the whole thing and for the rest of the night....

It was so excellent watching him sing 'everybody hurts' at a karaoke night a couple of weeks later. Hahaha CUNT.

Anyway, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all. I would never have felt the need to bring it up but you can see from the description above that according to some people I absolutely was not raped. He didn't threaten me once, see?

I knew about the Big Bad but still makes me sad my lovely.

Am wondering if we should be moving on to talk of....I dunno, something else. Perhaps something very silly.

I am not responsible for the Z where an S should be. Fucking American correcty spell bastardy computer thing. (technical term)

Ps also smooches and hugs to Aries and Polly for the same reasons. Sorry thought I already wrote that

And Fred, I am sorry I seem to have killed you.

Gin Same thing happened to me. Drunk, bit flirty, 18 years old - first year at uni. Thought I'd made a friend until I woke up and he was inside me. It WAS rape, I know it was but I still feel at some level it was somehow my fault depite being a rational feminist. There was no way I could have reported it. Who would have believed? How could I have proved it etc. I think it's true, most women have a story of this ilk. It is shit, it never leaves you and colours how you see men for the rest of your life. Luckily my DP now is the sweetest man who is incapable of behaving like that but many are not.

I think you both did very well on t'other fred.

Well, against my better judgement I read "that thread". Dear God Alive. For the first time in my life I am utterly bereft of words.

What I will say is that gin you are an incredibly brave & wonderful person & I'm proud to call you my mate.

The same goes for all of youse in fact. Its just mind boggling how many of us have had nightmare experiences, of all degrees. There are some real cunts out there, aren't there?

Thankfully there are some pretty nice ones too & we've managed to bag a few!

District 9 - I thought it was FAB.

I had tired myself out with The Rage until before 8 am this morning I had been likened to a dog tail, as I was told "another example of the tale trying to wag the dog". Nice. So I did the only professional thing I could - I shouted & stomped & embraced The Rage again.

Twatcuntfuckface *

*him, not you.

RieRie, I meant that the topic of losing one's virginity is a sore point around me, and I live in fear of people having cheery chats about 'first times', cos what I got to say on the matter is the opposite of cheery Am being a bit unclear cos is v hard for me to say more.

Fanks, Ginster's and you are a wonderful mum and would be a wonderful mum of a daughter too. The very fact you're aware of this worry about a daughter means you would be vigilant about your own possible over-reactions about stuff.

May we all have a mass bundle now?

It's not so much that scorps as a worry about the family curse continuing... Thanks tho :)

Yep, bundle time.

Then tequila.

Then breaking comedy balsa wood chairs over each other's heads.

lorry I hearts you too. And what a fucking shit thing to say, was that someone at work? Arsehole.

Oh dear. . I didn't want to comment until I read t'other thread but just wanted to say how proud I am of Gin, Scorps HB Polly et al. You did the BESHes well.

I'm feeling all protective and mother hen ish over you all now, especially the diffed ones, who really don't need this emotional trauma. I've set LorryLoadofRage at the Palais door to prevent any interlopers ruining the ambience.

Um...anyone want to hear about the fucking gargantuan spider that was in the bathroom last night? Mr Stinky had to slay it jousting style with a 5 foot long fencing post while I cowered outside. I don't like killing spiders but it was so big I could hardly get in the bathroom.

:( poor spider. Its ghost will wail its spidery wail and nash its spidery teeth whenever you go for a witching-hour wee now stinky..... Be Afraid.

As you mentioned being pg it occurred to me that some lovely person asked how far on I was/am recently. Will be 12 weeks on Monday, although if I don't have scan every other day I go back to think it has all gone wrong.

Incidentally I have the nuchal fold scan, bloods etc on Monday. It had better not be bad news as we go on hol the day after. Shit. (when I booked hol I was for some reason convinced I was a week less than I am...by the time I get back I'll be on the cusp of 'too late')

I just finished reading a very good book called The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti that touches on lots of these issues. Would very much recommend it, especially for Feminist BESHes (if that's not a tautology).

It's an American book but lots of it has relevance to the UK as well and it has very interesting things to say about the whole myth of virginity and how that links with violence and views that 'well it wasn't rape-rape'.

Ps @ lorryloadofrage

I hoovered a large spider last night too, I hope this isn't the start of them appearing all over the house. It was trying to clamber into my laptop case and that just isn't on :(

Seeing as we have virtual tequila already, I have brung some virtual temazepam and a scantily-clad masseuse for Lorry , hopefully that will help the rage abate somewhat.

PS. Having looked at the aforementioned Fred; there really are some unspeakable cocks in there & it is a good thing you lot eloquently waded in. It's amazing what cowardly, offensive things people will type when they have the benefit of anonymity :/

Gin, please kindly write a children's book about a boy who is scared of spiders and gets his Mum to stomp on one in the bathroom, and then gets haunted by a spidery ghost, and they become terrific friends, and go off and have all sorts of ghostly-spidery japes, and assemble all sort of jolly insecty companions, such as for instance a centipede who wears jaunty striped socks, and a beetle who isn't very brave, but does his best. Thanks.

Re. all the stories above (not the spidery one), , basically. In moments of childishness, I bemoan my boring history, but never have I been so thankful for having married my first boyfriend when I was barely out of school. Not that predatory men leave married girls alone of course, but I never met any: too busy being tediously domesticated.

again.

That's all.

It was meeeee Gin who asked how far along all the differs are! Best of luck for Monday, I can understand how nerve racking it will be for you. The odds are WITH you as to it all being fine, just focus on that, the best you can.

Oh, and I'm already afraid of the spider. I had to wait for ages afterwards to build up the courage to have a wee, just in case there happened to be another beast of the same proportions scurrying around (but two of them surely wouldn't have fitted in our bathroom?)or the corpse's leg moved or something.

Going for second installment of needling tonight. Bit pinchy putting them in but then strangely relaxing.

I just got tears in my eyes at "a beetle who isn't very brave, but does his best". I am such a fucking loser.

I feel bad for murdering Aragog now. Once I found a huge spider on my lightshade. I heard a scurrying noise and thought "Oooo a moth" and then a massive spider appeared. It fell off and ran under the bed so me and the husband had to sleep in the spare room for a week, just in case it ripped our faces off or came near us when we were asleep. Triple hard I am.

gin yep someone in work. Someone who went to sea in 1973 & for whom time has stood still ever since. I'm a silly little girl playing at offices, dontcha know? Hopefully he's retiring soon anyway.

Anyway, The Rage has been somewhat lifted a little by fred entitled "Help - marble up the bum" or sommat. I just COULD NOT resist. Don't panic, it has a happy ending, but some of the stories are farking hilarious. A perfect antidote to the t'other thread.

Yeah stinks, I'm expert at characterisation, me

Look, <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=guicentral.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Little-Beetle-Wallpaper.jpg&imgrefurl=guicentral.com/tag/nature-wallpapers/page/5/&usg=__hbDghulrQ9VSdfJvMMj5uLDSRJo=&h=288&w=460&sz=31&hl=en&start=77&sig2=E2cZyIVjsQGIdSphIV_itQ&tbnid=rkhVurnesUTyaM:&tbnh=143&tbnw=202&ei=netjTNLFII7w0wTrhNCVCQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbeetle%2Bcute%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1440%26bih%3D783%26tbs%3Disch:10,2186&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=571&vpy=417&dur=634&hovh=178&hovw=284&tx=107&ty=69&oei=hOtjTPK4G4X34AaTzvDNCg&esq=4&page=4&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:21,s:77&biw=1440&bih=783" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here he is!

"Ooo boy, I sure don't like the look o'them pesky red ants, but I gots to save mah friend Billy..."

stinky You can't hoover them up. They live in the hoover eating the dirt & become Mega Spiders. Everyone knows that.

What you do is invest in a spider catcher. Think I've mentioned it before, the best present I've ever had. A long plastic handle with a plastic trap door. You spray the spider with hairspray so it can't move, then you jump onto sofa / bed screaming. You wait for it to slow down, trap it in the door, then holding it at arms length still screaming, you take it down the bottom of the garden, release it, shouting over your shoulder as you run back into the house to fuck off & never darken your door again. Then you lock the door.

What? What?

FGS! Have you lot never read Charlotte's Web?!

But but but... I always Hoover them up ?Lorry? exactly how long is the handle on spider catcher? I would need one with a reach of at least 5 ft.

ladygone that is awful.

yes plz to besh bundle. Think we need it. Ok, I need it.,

Uh, its not quite 5ft poll. Just short of 1m maybe..................screaming defintely helps though.

head confession - I never have read Charlotte's Web. I know, I know. But I could just never get past the spider factor. Tis stoopid.

I had a fucking spider on the bed once while the boyf & I were in it. But I'd broken my wrist so was in plaster & like a fucking dying fly on my back, couldn't push myself up. So I wailed & wildly flung arms around, scared the boyf, he sat up quickly, I accidentally (honest) hit him on the had with my plaster, we rowed & the spider was found dead. Oh, how we laughed

Differs update for StinkyCheese

Gin - Monday scan
Muse - Monday scan
Me - Scan tomorrow, eek! And then supposedly flying straight out afterwards, if all is well, inshallah. Pliz to be lighting the BESHly candles that I a) have a real baybee in my tumtum and b) that said baybee has full complement of limbs, head etc.

I hit the boyf on the head..............