1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

I won't be able to get some sleep for many, many hours. But thanks for the kind thoughts, and Lozza if you could go round and kick some sorry ass, Cardiff-style, that would be very acceptable. The thing is, I actually really like him, and his kids are gorgeous and his girlfriend is very sweet, and he was the guy I had an unreasonable, bit of rough crush on the other week. 6 ft 2 of testosterone...you know the type. It has evaporated now, of course.

Aries what a tosser. I second getting Laurie to punch him in the dick.

Laurie can you have a little walk outside? ALternatively listening to shouty music and shouting at the top of your voice always helps. Try some Slipknot or System of a Down.

That's shite Arial.

I was refused a job today, from a person I know, and without any kindness, but with a kind of "why are you bothering me" air about him. I am now thinking I will never sort myself out, don't know how I will raise a child as I am a mess...

Just feeling blue...

Aries what a nobber. I can see why you went off him...

Ooh yes, shouty music... I love a bit of Rage Against the Machine, or some shrieking to Skunk Anansie. Soooo good for the soul.

Well I was worried we wouldn't have enough cake for this avo, so have now baked a summer berry one from the waitrose mag. There are 4 adults and 5 children and we have 1 lemon vic sponge, 12 toblerone cookies (I may have eaten some instead of dinner last night), 12 shop-bought smarties cupcakes, a pack of party rings and now the berry cake too. A tad excessive perhaps? Anyone want to come round for tea gin and cake? (And *Ginsters I haven't forgotten about baking you a birthday cake... it is just a bit late, but how about week after next?!)

Set Laurie on him Mountie, she is tres feisty today. What a rude git.

BESH SMASH! Who are these massive wankers harshing on my lovely BESHies? Absolute fuckers. The Laurienator will sort them out, proper-style

Oh gawd, TTC is so dull. Can I just have my baybee now, please? Sheeeesh...

Right aries I gave him a good ole Cardiff dry slap, twist of the nads & shoved a haddock up his arse by way of the BESH calling card. He won't be giving you any more grief.

mountie am on my way...........

• This is my shouty song. However I usually find singing Tom Jones at the top of my voice helps The Rage too. Have been spotted driving around whilst dramatically shouting singing "I who have nothing"

Oh the shame.............

scorps I too am bored shitless waiting for my baybee. For the love of God, just hand one over now. NOW I SAY!

I like to imagine there is one of those ticket machines like when you go to the deli or maybe argos. Surely you two must be at the front of the queue by now. :)

Nice work lorry , remind me never to piss you off. btw, as you are in Wales Tom Jones is technically legal (in moderation)

MTF that sucks. There was a terrifying programme on last night about a 15 year old who fed her baybee by propping a bottle in its gob at night and then going back to sleep. No matter how much of a mess you think you are you will still be 100 times better than that.

Polly I think it's safe to say that you have enough cake there.

Yes, yes, yes, Poll I want ALL of it!

Laurel thank you and please shove extra large Spectator up his arse. While proclaiming himself as a Marxist, he also claimed to be posher than Cameron or Clegg. How is this relevant to the job conversation you ask? Exactly! Avoided talking about it in all possible ways...

I would be bored if I did not think I was incapable of raising one... I am almost wondering if I am stopping myself subconsciously because I think I need to sort myself out...

That was deep. LaurelLeaf, luvver, could you turn your violence towards me? As long as it involves shoving toblerone cookies into me gob.

Ooh, and I second Rage. Perhaps some Smashing Pumpkins too? Or... ooooh, would anyone forgive me Axl?

Saffron thank you, that is, ehm, encouraging. I guess. Poor kiddo. Is it ok?

Astonishingly yes, it was. Just goes to show how resilient the little buggers are I guess.

Spectator, ouch, that's surely going to result in unpleasant paper cuts.

Shit, it's 3pm and I have achieved no work whatsoever. I blame the internet, it is evil.

Mountie I am with you on Pumpkins, but I'm afraid I cannot forgive you Axl.

Well they have all gone and I have left - 1/2 a lemon sponge, 3/4 of my lovely berry cake, 9 smartie cupcakes, 4 toblerone cookies, half a pack of party rings plus half a pack of tesco cupcakes that someone else brought. Guess we'll be ok in here for cakes until ... well, tomorrow maybe?

Grrr, got to get ready for work now. I am too full of cake and need a sleep tho. Wah.

But he was sooooo hot. So where do you live, love? I am coming to eat your cakes.

I have a weird metallic taste in my mouth. YOU DID NOT EVEN SWI THIS MONTH YOU STUPID CAAH, I hear you say.

soz pollster didnt mean it like that, i should have said "our" age. No, the kids probably havent even heard of speed, its all K, Mcat or a vast cornucopia of incomprehensible acronyms. I, on the other hand, remember the days when you could have a great night out for under a tenner (£5 wrap and 3 pints of snake bite and black :o)

Mountbatton yes the boy is coming with me this time. He didnt the first time which was ok but prob a mistake. I am expecting they will be sending him to JIAP again anyhoo. Sorry to hear you are feeling poo. C'mere and i'll stroke your bottom hair.

twinks wish i had been sluttier too. Maybe would have come in handy right this week in enticing knackered boy into even more SWIing. I mean what do we do now we have tried all three positions? Go back to the beginning? :o

Ababes on your behalf at that stupid fucker. SERIOUSLY. What a dick.

Sorry again for absence - have been beating myself regularly and doing housework (which I HATE) just to avoid the menkul (really I should have come here for the beatings, would have been more violent and fun)....is now 8 weeks since I last evil droid so today I POAS and had 2 lines (destructions said "probably" but with sore boobs, occasional waves of nausea/irrational rage/tiredness-beyond-belief and sense of smell, I'm thinking it probably is a v strong probably.

So, am pleased (numb and in a bit of shock) and almost a little disbelieving....

Sorry for mememe post; Aries your 'friend' is a wanker, it's not an OK think to say to anyone.

Hope everyone else is OK too - anyone want my bottle of gin? (Dh reckons OK to drink a little, me not so sure!)

Oh dear. Now you all hate my fisherman mate who was just being tactless and male. He saved me once, you know. From almost certain injury Hence the bit of rough crush. But I'm very touched by all your rage on my behalf! And LorryBabe you iz well 'ard and I loves you I does When will we meet?

I agree that TTC is deeply, deeply tedious. Can we not have each others babies?

Squishy dear, am v v v v happy for you . Those there symptoms sound DISTINCTLY promising - you'd better lie down and give me that there bottle of gin

Thanks Pencilgal, you want the hard drugs as well as the gin?! Mind you, lettuceleaf got me thinking back to my days of snakebite and black, still love it (just harder to get in a pub now) and can drink like fizzy pop (well, clearly not now).

I have crossed with you Squish! You are diffed! Congratulations.

congratulation on diffment squishy that is great news!!!! :o

snake bite got banned in my teenage local. but we got round it by sharing a pint of cider and black and a lager and mixing our own :D

oh and there were 'purple nasties' snakebite and black with double vodka added. i bet that would be nice with gin instead, hmm.....

As I was told, Swansea Uni was the only place in the country where they served snakebite and black on tap. It's the troof. You would walk home and dodge the piles of bright purple puke, knowing there was a SBandB quaffer ahead of you.

Oh, this is nice - some CUNT is telling me to shut up with my 'emotional claptrap' over in Relationships when I had the temerity to disavow them of the notion that rape isn't about anonymous loons leaping out at women and violently throwing them about! I possible shouldn't have just told them to 'shut the fuck up', mind

LINK! LINK! LINK!

PS what are you doing in Relationships?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad to see you're making friends elsewhere on MN Scorps....

Congratulations Squishy, that's great news