1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

soz that was to aries not you pol haha speed, now you're showing your age ;-)

Oooh, Pollster, I do want the recipe.

I am jealous of yar youth! Sounds much like mine, except I was an early starter and pretty much did that 16-20. Spent really boring twenties, and I kinda regret that now. So where were you living then?

Harumph, thanks for the Salad So what do the kidz call it now? Or do they not even take it anymore? Oh yes... I loved the speed, until it practically stopped having any effect anyway. Was quite useful at keeping me awake at work though.

Mountie do you wanna email me at [email protected] and I will send you recipe? Don't want to scare the others away...

I too was traumatised by the scary doll glaring menacingly in the background!

Can I just point out that Poll is not the lady holding the horse in that bottom piccy. That lady is nice, but Poll is a gazillion times foxier

Barry White saved my life. You are too kind Scopes

Can I join, can I join, can I join!?

Ah go on then Mountie

Lay yo'self down by the fire, sexy lady...

Jezus wept, pliz to stop this talk of Barry White. He makes me ACKSHERLY sick. The walrus of love? Fuck me, the bile is rising.......

cass woop for the fella's lappi, have been missing you. Glad you're not feeling sick - that must be a huge relief.

aries hope you've managed a morning quickie. I'm with cass (the perv) some of the best secks I've had with the boyf was when we were staying at each other's parents houses. Of course we were also in our early 20's & it was before we moved in together, but it just felt so naughty.

salad you're not selfish about safety in numbers for our FC appointments. Though I'm not really sure why I'm going. I've booked this appointment myself & I think its more to whinge about why I'm not updiffed & what the merry hell do they plan to do about it! So should go well

scorps talk of your squid baybees made me snort with laughter & worry like mad all at the same time. I say this with love, but you're proper menkal.

poll your baking sounds well lush. Am I too late for a Toblerone cookie? I'm also quite envious of your crazy past. I was more an alcohol girlie than drucks. Took speed once, apparently. That was the night I stayed awake talking bollocks all night & the first time I kissed the boyf . Rather I think he kissed me to shut me up. The boyf however has never drunk, but taken a shed load of other stuff. So between us I reckon we were cur-razy. My mum once suggested we take speed in a bid to lose some weight.................

Ah well, onwards & upwards lovely BESHies.

Oh, no, I went to bed and missed out on the akshon. I hope you ladies were good to eachother.

Laurster 3 BESHes is for good luck. Or is it a coven? Either way, the BESHly day of appointments will do summat, even if it is to cause unprecedented chaos in hospitals . Seriously, I am imagining sirens going off and people screaming THEY ARE COMING, THEY ARE COMING.

Are you gals going with yar blokes?

Your boyf fancied you while you were on speed and he was sober? He .... is... insane. Or in love .

Do you reckon there will be a DM article about Women Who Want To Be Mothers Have Shameful Pasts?

I don't have a shameful past. The most shameful thing I ever did in my youth was doodle during lengthy sermons.

Anyone want to give me a shameful present?

Polly can I be you for a bit? I want to stay home and bake deliciousness with a pretty bump, WAH! Now please may I have a cookie?

Lorry I'm with you - Barry White = Vomitous. Imagine seeing him bearing down on you, no thanks.

Stewpot so glad you are alive and well and not feeling too pukey! Long may it continue.

I'm sure my brain isn't right after too many drugs. I have real trouble remembering stuff. Or maybe that's just old age.

My office smells of farts today. Please discuss. Points will be deducted for the phrase "Whoever smelt it, dealt it".

HB I read that as "The most shameful thing I ever did in my youth was yodel during lengthy sermons". Here have this Double Intruder dildo and a LSD tab. Should make the rest of the day fly by.

Ah, so that's where all the drugs went. No wonder nobody ever offered me any when I was a young 'un. I do remember seeing a block of resin for the first time and wondering if it was an oxo cube, ah, innocent days.

Toblerone cookies sound inspired, Pol - hurrah for experimental baking. :)

Bloody hell, brain is working at half-speed today. By the time I press "post message" six other messages will probably have happened and I will be out of date again. Bugger.

Wizzle perhaps your cleaner has taken a random dislike to you and is saving all his/her outpourings for your office for some reason.

MTF 3 BESHs has to be good luck, non? Do these hospitals not realise how lucky they are to be in our company?

The boyf isn't coming to this appointment. He did ask if I wanted / needed him to come along, but I don't think I want him to see the menkal. There really isn't any reason for both of us to take time off work.

My brother bought a massive bag of hash, accidentally left it in his overall pocket & mum plonked it into the washing machine with the family wash . Brother not overjoyed especially as mum just said there should be no family arguments as we should all be mellow .

stinky my office regularly smells of farts. I often hear them too. But then I work with a bunch of hairy arsed* potty mouthed ex-sailors.

*this is an assumption, I do not know for sure.

I'm with you Stinky - drugs have addled my brain too. I have a real problem with forgetting words or trying to find the right word or saying the wrong word when I'm talking to someone. I am convinced that my drug use between the ages of 14-22 is to blame (although it did get worse after childbirth). Who knows, maybe just early onset of dementia. Worries me though.

I didn't do anything too shameful growing up, was quite well behaved apart from the drugs. Not nearly slutty enough, which I regret now that I've been with the same person for 11 years and have no intention of leaving him!

I took the plunge and had the sechs last night. Let the 2WOOFL begin...

Twinks your drug taking got worse after childbirth? Slutty is overrated. I was far too slutty so am making up for it now by being respectable married laydee wot bakes stuff.

Do you know, I have never concluded that my shit awful memory may be connected to the drucks. What does that say about the state of my brain?!

Ha ha! Perfect example of my rotting brain. Parenthood drives me to drink on a fairly regular basis but not sure I could handle the come down from anything harder with a hyper manic 2 year old.

Saffroncheeks but the cleaner is such a nice looking little middle aged lady. I always say hello to her, but I do leave quite a lot of mess on my desk. I'll never look at her the same way again.

Well done on taking the plunge Twinkle.

Polly what about some experimental Twirl and Hash cookies? Take some speed first and you'll make them in double quick time.

Hahaha, poll I also read that as twinkles drug habit got worse after childbirth.

twinks well done on teh secks. I'm approaching 2WOOLFing time so here we go again....

I have really, really REALLY REALLY bad rage today. Tis so not like me. I'm going to explode with a fuckwit twat cunt person that I work with. Another colleague has just commented I look worried. Think a walk away from my desk & some deep breathing is in order.

I....Have....Had....Two.........Hours.............Sleep I cannot function. Shall I dissolve into tears?

Onwards and upwards. The nest exciting news is, now my dad has left after ruining our SWI, the ILs are coming for a few days. The joy. They are hopeless at looking after themselves, refuse to do so much as put the kettle on and use all the hot water. Why do people visit me in August? They are greeted by a lined-faced, wild eyed, wild haired ghost of a woman. A "friend" this morning (well, someone I know - 31, male, 2 kids under 2, girlfriend with bleached hair and dark roots who is actually very lovely) asked if I was pregnant yet this morning. He said "For some reason I thought you'd be up the duff this year. Better get a move on, love." I just gaped at him. Why would anyone think that was an ok thing to say? Even if he is a male with the intellectual and emotional capacity of a rabbit dropping.

Wizzle at least she hasn't crapped in your bin as well.

AG when you see said 'friend' again please insert a rolled-up copy of the DM into him on behalf of us all. Is there a bigger, weekend DM? If so, that one, plz. Or maybe send Lorry round to pay him a rage-filled visit.

Two hours sleep though :( Are you hallucinating yet? If so, have you seen anything particularly good?

Poor aries. What an arse of a mate & how, again HOW are you up & functioning on 2 hours sleep? I'm guessing it wasn't due to fantastic sexy time?

I'm on my way to sort your mate out. I'm stomping & muttering & swinging my arms wildly. See you in a bit, x

Re: Aries '''''''friend''''''':

That is all.

Poor sausage. Hope you get some sleep this pm.