1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Morning HagelinaChicas I have had HairyPanther whipped off this morning. Was rather disconcerted when lady said 'Shall I go a bit further round the back?'..I just nodded.....

I'm in South Devon. But surely you are elfin and tiny Aries? Haystack - that's the word I'm looking for to descibe my hair at the moment. Badger, eh? Some cosy mittens, or even a novelty merkin I would suggest. There's loads of them on the North Devon Link Road so maybe there's enough to make some new Ugg style boots from them?

Bangers do you sew? Gulp. I'm in awe. I can cook and garden but am hopeless with the whole clothing thing. I don't even iron. Maybe you can help out with the badger pelt restyling project.

Salty - did you keep your removed pelt? Would be a lovely trim for our badger project. What sort of postion do they get you in when they do that?

Ankles heading towards ears. Very dignified.

Stinky I'll pop it in an evelope for you. Did you want a jam jar too?

Bangers is a very clever and talented needlewoman I'm not elfin and tiny! I'm tall and skinny that's all, and sadly this isn't reflected in my face. I have "strong features" (jaw, nose that sort of thing)

Just going off to skin badger. Luckily it hasn't been there too long.

What really? You have your ankles heading towards your ears with no pants on in front of a stranger? Wow. I'm impressed. Puts all my dildocamming and such like to shame. Ummm...I'll pass on the "jam" thanks, the last lot tasted a bit funny to me.

Cool - I already have images in my head of what everyone looks like to go with my telephoto lens shots and hair clippings I've collected of you all.

You do have bikini bottoms on. didn't have the whole lot off.

I have no shame. At all. i think I may have been German in a previous life, as I will take an opportunity to be naked/undignified.

ahh..you ate the jame,,,,now, stink how can I put this....

It has taken me ages to catch up... you lot are fucking funny. I've had a week off and have been busy making burgers, decorating Boo's bedroom, making curtains and cushion covers. We have bought her a second hand grownup bed from family member which I now need to sand, chisel off glow in the dark alien faces and paint white. Some fucking holiday!

Don't have much to add except that Stinkers I can recommend v good hairdresser in Modbury, S Devon - Nicholas Hair Salon, ask for appt with Jane. 01548 830152. I have very awkward hair. Tis curly, but tends towards dry frizzyness and cannot cope with chemical stuff. I travel an hour and twenty minutes from somerset to get Jane to do my hair, because she is a) lovely b) my BF and c) I just cannot trust anyone else with my birdsnest barnet.

Polleeeeeeeeeeee!!!! You have lovely hair and well done for your housework holiday. Do you think Modbury is a bit excessive for me to travel to? Or is anything justifiable when it comes to hair?

Thread murderer :(

I'm still here!

Where is modbury?

Sarf Devon innit. First plastic bag free town in the country. More interesting information.

do you get arrested if you try to bring one in?

You get put in stocks and pelted with fish innards.

wow. bit like being BESHland....

pollyyyyyyyyy you domestic goddess you! How's tricks?

My ovaries have exploded & have been replaced with my heavy heart. I had to buy a new baby girl present..........stoopidly wandered around looking at the tiniest most gorgeous little outfits, audibly oohing & ahhing. Strangers gathered up their offspring & quickly moved away.

On the plus side I SWI again last night & when I go a-cervix hunting tonight I'll hopefully prod the lazy little sperm fuckers along the golden path. Plus I have baybee promising reflexology tomorrow morning, so I reckon I'll be updiffed by this time tomorrow - HUZZAH!

What could possibly go wrong?

Hello LorryGirl. How are the feet?

aries the feet are back to normal now thanks. Lots of loofah-ing & pumice-stoning has worked.

I need to get my eyes tested - in your previous post I thought you'd written "you get put in socks" . I am a nob!

oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!

I really can't keep up. and you are all being so funny and clever and I am not functioning properly so JUST STOPPIT!

stinky I have brought you a special lovely cake to cheer you up. Don't worry, I didn't bake it, I stole it from Head's kitchen umm bought it from a cakey cake shop. I am sorry you are having a horrible day, I know how vile EDDs are. Mine was on our anniversary last year so I was wonderful company. Have a smooch and a large bottle of absinthe.

Incidentally, having mentioned cooking/baking etc, someone hilariously sent me a 'recipe share' email recently. I mean, what am I going to write? 'Buy paella from waitrose, pierce film lid...'

Mr Gin is the cook in our house, I only cook for mooch (poor kid.) Mr G took over when I got ms when pg with moochie, and..umm..I totally took advantage and now don't really cook ever cos he is so bloody good at it. Bless the lovely man.

In other news I am unlikely to make it through today without crying at my desk. I am a total emotional mess and everything is upsetting me. I feel awful. And sorry to those who have actual good reason to feel awful, I'm sure this is just hormones and not Actual Insanity but to be honest I feel quite, quite mad. I need a cuddle.

And now I have typed all that I am exhausted.

And and and I told Ead I loved her and she BLANKED ME. bitch

I was too busy weaving a Gin-doll out of strands of hair I have been silently collecting from your comb for the past two months

Oh but Gin don't cry at your desk, sausage! Does it halp knowing that you're being bonkers only because you have a lovely ickle baybee in your tum-tum & therefore everyone has to be nice at you even if you proper lose it? Hmm? No? Thought not...

Look, here is a picture of a <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=a0.vox.com/6a00c225256b2c604a00d41425a798685e-500pi&imgrefurl=littlemiao.vox.com/library/posts/tags/baby%2Btapir/&usg=__PSn0kew_eUzAvfRORNdJ9mK6V18=&h=332&w=500&sz=35&hl=en&start=0&sig2=ekYNhquU_Vxj0iQEpkoclA&tbnid=eJQidD8ipE7AjM:&tbnh=121&tbnw=151&ei=Ew9cTMWDIIyOjAeii7jyAw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbaby%2Btapir%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1024%26bih%3D573%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=276&oei=DQ9cTNWRHNCNjAeMk_nwAw&esq=3&page=1&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0&tx=82&ty=98" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">baby tapir to make you smile! It looks like a pig fucked a watermelon and they had a baybee! Suh-weeeeeeeeeeeet!

healp

Tsk.

I liked 'breastses'. For some reason reminded me of Nursie on Blackadder, maybe tis the 'breasty-dumpling' thing.

and a watery :) for the baby tapir...

ps I do know really and I should stfu, is just tricky as I really do feel like an utter loon. And an incompetent one at that.

Modbury is near Ivybridge, very pretty little place and it is indeed the first place to go placy-bag-free. Prob a long way for you to go though Aries me dear, unless you like spending around 4 hours in a car there and back. Or of course, unless you are up that way or on way somewhere else? Is not much further on from Plymouth. Then again, it is not that much further than the distance I travel for a decent haircut. And RieRie if you can find a salon that sells Lamaur products (or have a helpful hairdresser that will order it from Aston & Fincher wholesalers for you - I don't, Jane keeps forgetting!) I can thoroughly recommend their shampoo and conditioner (can't remember the name/type but it smells of coconut). I can't get any atm as Jane's salon no longer stock it but it is literally the only thing I can use on my hair without turning it to a frizzball. You can only get it through a salon, believe me I have spent hours trawling the internet. I have a horrible feeling the company is no longer trading, which means a lifetime of bad hair days for me

I am feeling tres good thank you. I have 20 wk scan on Tues and a v small bump, which colleagues/friends/random strangers seem to think it is acceptable form to comment on, which then makes me menkul that there is something wrong with teh Shrimp and it is not growing properly. The menkul never ends... I finally confessed to TG today that I hate it that, as a pregnant wimmin I am somehow public property and it narks me/worries me that everyone seems to think bump is too small. He then berated me for being a twat, said I was an idiot for worrying and of course there is nothing wrong. At which point I cried and said that laughing at me when I am talking openly and honestly about how I feel just makes me feel dumb as a rock (and in future will stfu and not tell him anything). Bloody men. But apart from all that shit, I am feeling good, not too tired - in fact bags of energy at mo (hence decorating/catering/sewing etc), so hoorah!